DH having emotional affair

[Anonymous]

Hi. So how are her texts overt? Are you sure it’s really flirty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

The feelings are hormonally induced and amplified by the pleasures of not having to deal with a mate through the grind that is daily marriage, running a home, and parenting. People who indulge in this are high-risk partners.

I took some time to read r/theotherwoman and it's really sad what scraps the other women will settle for. They get lied to a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

You’re wasting your life on a cake-eater. His feelings for you are so intense that he can’t be bothered to leave his wife and be with you, LOL. Low self-esteem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

Don’t settle for scraps. If he doesn’t have enough respect for you to cut off contact cold turkey then you’re simply wasting your time while he has his fun and keeps you hanging. Read Chump Lady.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP, EA are in my opinion worst than just sex. Usually men are just in it for sex, but when they develop feelings for AP it means you marriage is basically dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

Bizarre. You don't want someone who actually chooses you? You don't want kids I assume? If his feelings were so intense for you he would leave his wife, especially with no kids and a short marriage. That's a no-brainer. We have been married 23 years and have 3 kids.

He chooses me everyday. I already have kids. He can't leave her, I understand that but you don't have to. I have no doubt at all about the intensity of his emotions. I don't need him to leave her, everything doesn't always fit into a neat little box that follows the typical narrative. Just saying, the intentions of strong emotions are powerful. You said he agreed to lessen the talking, that is not him agreeing to end it. Sounds to me like he maybe feels like he can't stand the idea of being without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP, EA are in my opinion worst than just sex. Usually men are just in it for sex, but when they develop feelings for AP it means you marriage is basically dead.

It only means the marriage is dead if the one in the EA wants to replace their spouse. An EA may be considered cheating by many but it is not adultery. It is loving another person. I think if an adulterer is having sex and feels strong emotions for another person outside the marriage that's a pretty bad situation but if a person in an EA loves the other person but isn't having sex with them that's a different story and I'm not so sure it's worse than sexual cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

You’re wasting your life on a cake-eater. His feelings for you are so intense that he can’t be bothered to leave his wife and be with you, LOL. Low self-esteem?

PP is likely borderline personality disorder (she “knew him first?” Like that makes it acceptable? GMAFB). Regardless, years will pass and she will miss her opportunity to find an available partner, and her AP’s loyalty will continue to be to his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP, EA are in my opinion worst than just sex. Usually men are just in it for sex, but when they develop feelings for AP it means you marriage is basically dead.

It only means the marriage is dead if the one in the EA wants to replace their spouse. An EA may be considered cheating by many but it is not adultery. It is loving another person. I think if an adulterer is having sex and feels strong emotions for another person outside the marriage that's a pretty bad situation but if a person in an EA loves the other person but isn't having sex with them that's a different story and I'm not so sure it's worse than sexual cheating.

An EA will be come a PA in time, people that “love” each other and have a strong emotional connection also have physical chemistry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

Bizarre. You don't want someone who actually chooses you? You don't want kids I assume? If his feelings were so intense for you he would leave his wife, especially with no kids and a short marriage. That's a no-brainer. We have been married 23 years and have 3 kids.

He chooses me everyday. I already have kids. He can't leave her, I understand that but you don't have to. I have no doubt at all about the intensity of his emotions. I don't need him to leave her, everything doesn't always fit into a neat little box that follows the typical narrative. Just saying, the intentions of strong emotions are powerful. You said he agreed to lessen the talking, that is not him agreeing to end it. Sounds to me like he maybe feels like he can't stand the idea of being without her.

Hon, he doesn't choose you every day. If he did you two would be together. You're so pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

You’re wasting your life on a cake-eater. His feelings for you are so intense that he can’t be bothered to leave his wife and be with you, LOL. Low self-esteem?

PP is likely borderline personality disorder (she “knew him first?” Like that makes it acceptable? GMAFB). Regardless, years will pass and she will miss her opportunity to find an available partner, and her AP’s loyalty will continue to be to his wife.

He’s not loyal to his wife- he’s loyal to his convenience, finances, and respectability. He knows how hung up on him is AP is and that he’s wasting her time but it’s a good pick-me-up, that he’s so hot he gets to juggle two women. He’s not loyal to anyone but himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got into one, it never got sexual but that didn’t matter. If there a blood test to determine if one were in love I would have been off the charts. It felt incredible to have someone be interested in me and discovering new things about this stranger and where we overlapped was seriously intoxicating. It’s been over for years but she was every other thought for a really long time. Emotional affairs are mostly projection, my friend and I had no shared experiences, we didn’t do anything together, we didn’t build anything besides a 10 mile long string of text messages.
The whole thing was incredibly destructive but I wouldn’t trade it
The longer your husband‘s emotional affair goes on the harder it will be for him to come back to earth, after a long marriage we are pretty much powerless against new love chemicals, I look back on my behavior and I don’t even recognize myself. I also hurt my friend in the process, she did not deserve it, I have no idea where our friendship would have gone but my actions are something I truly regret.

I was honest with my wife and told her I had developed feelings for someone, it hurt her deeply but looking back she says it was more of a shock than an actual injury. During my emotional affair my marriage improved, we were having more fun and things were looking up.

A lot of the damage was from assumptions and her own retaliatory affair, I rocked her, she didn’t feel safe and I provided no good chemicals.

What I wish would have happened:
My wife understanding that feelings can develop out of nowhere but assuming good intentions when I said I wanted to rebuild our marriage.
Let her anger all out instead of a constant simmer that lasted for years all while she was conducting her own affair.
Have a number of scheduled frank debriefings, drain all the mystery out, get the answers to your questions but be careful what you ask for you don’t want mind movies.
After the debriefing stage call a detente to for a month or two or three and just go about your lives, he will need time to process his heartache and will be in no position to rebuild.
After you think enough time has passed look into any number of marriage courses like Gottman or marriage helpers etc., they cost money but they are worth it.
I cannot really recommend marriage counseling, you spend the week in the corner and come out swinging for 50 minutes once a week and you never really get anywhere.

ask for honesty and assume good intentions,Good luck.

This is a very thoughtful and honest post. I wish all posters on this thread and other marriage threads on DCUM were like you. There is so much nasty and bad advice on here.

Op, listen to this post. Ignore most of the others.

This is a new situation. And not sure what is meant by a Three month break

Take a break more in the cooling off sense not moving out or separating bedrooms. Like it or not abruptly cutting off contact with someone important to you will cause some heartache and someone in that condition is going to be pretty much worthless when it comes to doing Gottman intimacy exercises.

Debrief, drain the mystery, ask for a decision (end the marriage or rebuild) then go about your lives. Agree that you will both do some independent research on classes, books or whatever sounds interesting to reestablish your marriage and agree to meet up to discuss what you’ve learned in a month.
In the beginning things get heated and it’s really counterproductive so cooling off in your own corner will lend some clarity to the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

You’re wasting your life on a cake-eater. His feelings for you are so intense that he can’t be bothered to leave his wife and be with you, LOL. Low self-esteem?

PP is likely borderline personality disorder (she “knew him first?” Like that makes it acceptable? GMAFB). Regardless, years will pass and she will miss her opportunity to find an available partner, and her AP’s loyalty will continue to be to his wife.

He’s not loyal to his wife- he’s loyal to his convenience, finances, and respectability. He knows how hung up on him is AP is and that he’s wasting her time but it’s a good pick-me-up, that he’s so hot he gets to juggle two women. He’s not loyal to anyone but himself.

What do you mean he's loyal to you when he is not with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

Bizarre. You don't want someone who actually chooses you? You don't want kids I assume? If his feelings were so intense for you he would leave his wife, especially with no kids and a short marriage. That's a no-brainer. We have been married 23 years and have 3 kids.

He chooses me everyday. I already have kids. He can't leave her, I understand that but you don't have to. I have no doubt at all about the intensity of his emotions. I don't need him to leave her, everything doesn't always fit into a neat little box that follows the typical narrative. Just saying, the intentions of strong emotions are powerful. You said he agreed to lessen the talking, that is not him agreeing to end it. Sounds to me like he maybe feels like he can't stand the idea of being without her.

Hon, he doesn't choose you every day. If he did you two would be together. You're so pathetic.

Your condescending use of "hon" is indication of how pathetic you are in your narrow minded bubble. I have no need to explain the details to you but I am fine, happy, definitely chosen by him everyday, and I have no desire to displace his wife at her expense, neither does he. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

Bizarre. You don't want someone who actually chooses you? You don't want kids I assume? If his feelings were so intense for you he would leave his wife, especially with no kids and a short marriage. That's a no-brainer. We have been married 23 years and have 3 kids.

He chooses me everyday. I already have kids. He can't leave her, I understand that but you don't have to. I have no doubt at all about the intensity of his emotions. I don't need him to leave her, everything doesn't always fit into a neat little box that follows the typical narrative. Just saying, the intentions of strong emotions are powerful. You said he agreed to lessen the talking, that is not him agreeing to end it. Sounds to me like he maybe feels like he can't stand the idea of being without her.

Hon, he doesn't choose you every day. If he did you two would be together. You're so pathetic.

Your condescending use of "hon" is indication of how pathetic you are in your narrow minded bubble. I have no need to explain the details to you but I am fine, happy, definitely chosen by him everyday, and I have no desire to displace his wife at her expense, neither does he. Get over yourself.

Triggered much?