DH having emotional affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
lol He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. po Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

And you’re ok w that ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
lol He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. po Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

And you’re ok w that ?

As opposed to what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
lol He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. po Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

And you’re ok w that ?

As opposed to what?

Ummm choosing OP/wife and ending whatever situation-ship the husband has going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
lol He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. po Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

And you’re ok w that ?

As opposed to what?

Ummm choosing OP/wife and ending whatever situation-ship the husband has going on.

Going zero contact seems extreme and makes it more enticing anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

Good you brought it into the open. That's a start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

Good you brought it into the open. That's a start.

Agree- we are being pretty open and honest with one another. But I do think he has some sort of connection with this person- will see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got into one, it never got sexual but that didn’t matter. If there a blood test to determine if one were in love I would have been off the charts. It felt incredible to have someone be interested in me and discovering new things about this stranger and where we overlapped was seriously intoxicating. It’s been over for years but she was every other thought for a really long time. Emotional affairs are mostly projection, my friend and I had no shared experiences, we didn’t do anything together, we didn’t build anything besides a 10 mile long string of text messages.
The whole thing was incredibly destructive but I wouldn’t trade it
The longer your husband‘s emotional affair goes on the harder it will be for him to come back to earth, after a long marriage we are pretty much powerless against new love chemicals, I look back on my behavior and I don’t even recognize myself. I also hurt my friend in the process, she did not deserve it, I have no idea where our friendship would have gone but my actions are something I truly regret.

I was honest with my wife and told her I had developed feelings for someone, it hurt her deeply but looking back she says it was more of a shock than an actual injury. During my emotional affair my marriage improved, we were having more fun and things were looking up.

A lot of the damage was from assumptions and her own retaliatory affair, I rocked her, she didn’t feel safe and I provided no good chemicals.

What I wish would have happened:
My wife understanding that feelings can develop out of nowhere but assuming good intentions when I said I wanted to rebuild our marriage.
Let her anger all out instead of a constant simmer that lasted for years all while she was conducting her own affair.
Have a number of scheduled frank debriefings, drain all the mystery out, get the answers to your questions but be careful what you ask for you don’t want mind movies.
After the debriefing stage call a detente to for a month or two or three and just go about your lives, he will need time to process his heartache and will be in no position to rebuild.
After you think enough time has passed look into any number of marriage courses like Gottman or marriage helpers etc., they cost money but they are worth it.
I cannot really recommend marriage counseling, you spend the week in the corner and come out swinging for 50 minutes once a week and you never really get anywhere.

ask for honesty and assume good intentions,Good luck.

This is a very thoughtful and honest post. I wish all posters on this thread and other marriage threads on DCUM were like you. There is so much nasty and bad advice on here.

Op, listen to this post. Ignore most of the others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

Bizarre. You don't want someone who actually chooses you? You don't want kids I assume? If his feelings were so intense for you he would leave his wife, especially with no kids and a short marriage. That's a no-brainer. We have been married 23 years and have 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know that you are aware of his emotional affair OP??

Yes-- out in the open now. Maybe it wasn't quite an "affair" but was flirty and inappropriate and possibly heading that way.
He agreed to lessen the talking and focus on us. Like I said, we were on horribly shaky ground before this so we have some work to do.

The guy I am in an EA with told his wife that too and he did it to some degree. That hasn't changed the way we feel about each other or the extent of our interaction except in minor ways. His marriage is also on very shaky ground but he doesn't want to intentionally hurt her. I'm just telling you this so you know that him saying that doesn't necessarily mean a whole hell of a lot. I actually knew him before she did and our emotions aren't going anywhere.

Are you also married? How long has he been? Any kids? What is your goal with this? Only so much I can do I guess. If he leaves me he leaves me, so be it. I am not going to beg. His EA person is single and extremely attention seeking (at least on social)

I am not married, he's been married five years, they don't have kids together, I have no goal, I just love him and he loves me and that's it. Not physical but pretty close to it. He is very torn between his feelings and his commitment to his marriage. I respect that but I don't want to lose him. I hope your husband does not have the intensity of feelings we have, it's very hard to fight that.

NP. You’re not going to be able to hear this but his feelings for you are not that intense. He is using you, and prefers her. He doesn’t even have kids as an excuse for why he stays with her. I know you think you’re different but I have seen this scenario play out again and again with people. You need to have some self respect and move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP my dear friend had an emotional affair 20 years ago with a married colleague. It turned into a 2 year physical affair. I disapproved but kept my mouth shut. I believe they were deeply infatuated and maybe even in love (she called him her soul mate). This is what the wife did, which worked: she put the affair out in the open. Got their pastor to talk to him. Got her mother in law to talk to him. Got his brother to talk to him. Lots of mini-interventions from people in his orbit. It worked. They are still married. My friend was dropped and never married. Good luck to you.

Smart wife. I think this is what chump lady says to do to flush out an affair, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got into one, it never got sexual but that didn’t matter. If there a blood test to determine if one were in love I would have been off the charts. It felt incredible to have someone be interested in me and discovering new things about this stranger and where we overlapped was seriously intoxicating. It’s been over for years but she was every other thought for a really long time. Emotional affairs are mostly projection, my friend and I had no shared experiences, we didn’t do anything together, we didn’t build anything besides a 10 mile long string of text messages.
The whole thing was incredibly destructive but I wouldn’t trade it
The longer your husband‘s emotional affair goes on the harder it will be for him to come back to earth, after a long marriage we are pretty much powerless against new love chemicals, I look back on my behavior and I don’t even recognize myself. I also hurt my friend in the process, she did not deserve it, I have no idea where our friendship would have gone but my actions are something I truly regret.

I was honest with my wife and told her I had developed feelings for someone, it hurt her deeply but looking back she says it was more of a shock than an actual injury. During my emotional affair my marriage improved, we were having more fun and things were looking up.

A lot of the damage was from assumptions and her own retaliatory affair, I rocked her, she didn’t feel safe and I provided no good chemicals.

What I wish would have happened:
My wife understanding that feelings can develop out of nowhere but assuming good intentions when I said I wanted to rebuild our marriage.
Let her anger all out instead of a constant simmer that lasted for years all while she was conducting her own affair.
Have a number of scheduled frank debriefings, drain all the mystery out, get the answers to your questions but be careful what you ask for you don’t want mind movies.
After the debriefing stage call a detente to for a month or two or three and just go about your lives, he will need time to process his heartache and will be in no position to rebuild.
After you think enough time has passed look into any number of marriage courses like Gottman or marriage helpers etc., they cost money but they are worth it.
I cannot really recommend marriage counseling, you spend the week in the corner and come out swinging for 50 minutes once a week and you never really get anywhere.

ask for honesty and assume good intentions,Good luck.

This is a very thoughtful and honest post. I wish all posters on this thread and other marriage threads on DCUM were like you. There is so much nasty and bad advice on here.

Op, listen to this post. Ignore most of the others.

This is a new situation. And not sure what is meant by a Three month break