DH having emotional affair

[Anonymous]

We are in early 50's and married 23 years. Things have been very rocky for awhile. This was a huge wake up call and I'm terrified of things ending and frankly at the same time disgusted by it all. Empty nest soon. Any advice on strategy as far as trying to nip in the bud? I feel like trying to forbid makes it more enticing. We are working on the marriage too but haven't openly discussed it all. Have discussed a little. I think we are both unsure what the future holds so trying to see how it all pans out.

[Anonymous]

OP here- finances horrible

[Anonymous]

Someone at work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone at work?

No met on a trip. Doesn't live here but could easily be mobile. No kids, late 30's, very overt

[Anonymous]

Does he know that you know? If not you should gather proof and confront him. Unless he’s willing to completely cut contact there’s no point trying to fix anything. Might as well start preparing yourself so you aren’t caught flat footed if he decides to sail off into the sunset solo: sort your finances and get legal advice.

[Anonymous]

Get Chump Lady’s book: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. www.survivinginfidelity.com is also a good resource.

[Anonymous]

How are you working on the marriage? An emotional affair to me always seems worse than a physical one. It's much more of a betrayal in my mind. If DH decided he was bored of our sex life and wanted it somewhere else, I'd be pissed and hurt. If DH felt our emotional connection was so bad that he sought one somewhere else, I'd be devastated.

So, take this as the sign you need to work hard if you want to save this marriage. Counseling where you should bring this up. You also need to prepare for if a divorce is coming. This man has one foot out the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you working on the marriage? An emotional affair to me always seems worse than a physical one. It's much more of a betrayal in my mind. If DH decided he was bored of our sex life and wanted it somewhere else, I'd be pissed and hurt. If DH felt our emotional connection was so bad that he sought one somewhere else, I'd be devastated.

So, take this as the sign you need to work hard if you want to save this marriage. Counseling where you should bring this up. You also need to prepare for if a divorce is coming. This man has one foot out the door.

I agree. I would barely care about a one night stand but this is killing me

[Anonymous]

I don't know what to say right now - he doesn't know I know as much as I do. He is away now, not with her. (I know for a fact) but I'm sure they're texting nonstop. I'm barely eating.

[Anonymous]

i am so sorry u r going through this. sending you a hug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to say right now - he doesn't know I know as much as I do. He is away now, not with her. (I know for a fact) but I'm sure they're texting nonstop. I'm barely eating.

Rip off the bandaid and have a CTJ conversation when he returns. The longer you let it go the more he’s going to fall for her. Don’t let him gaslight you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to say right now - he doesn't know I know as much as I do. He is away now, not with her. (I know for a fact) but I'm sure they're texting nonstop. I'm barely eating.

Rip off the bandaid and have a CTJ conversation when he returns. The longer you let it go the more he’s going to fall for her. Don’t let him gaslight you.

What would I say? I can't give an ultimatum. And how can I force it?

[Anonymous]

do you know what emotional support / connection he is getting from her, and is it really a breach of your marriage vows? I believe emotional affairs happen, but I also think they are overdiagnosed. A spouse cannot always meet every emotional need. Friendships are important.

Example: I have a friend from work going through a very stressful job situation that has been going on a while. His wife is a SAHM, has been for a long time, and doesn’t really follow the play by play (hasn’t wanted to, it seems, probably didn’t think it would go on this long or be such a big deal for him). We text a lot about it and I know I am giving him emotional support he isn’t getting from her. I also know that if she read every single one of our texts she would see some inside jokes (about work people / things) but nothing untoward, flirtatious or sexy. We never talk about their relationship. If I were providing the identical support to a female friend there would be nothing odd about it. but i think because it involves emotional support and opposite gender people can be quick to label it.

so ask yourself - is she a friend, or is she really stepping into a role that should be yours?

if the latter, time to figure out how you can better meet that need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to say right now - he doesn't know I know as much as I do. He is away now, not with her. (I know for a fact) but I'm sure they're texting nonstop. I'm barely eating.

Rip off the bandaid and have a CTJ conversation when he returns. The longer you let it go the more he’s going to fall for her. Don’t let him gaslight you.

What would I say? I can't give an ultimatum. And how can I force it?

You can ask him to respect your marriage vows. If he’s saying things to her that he wouldn’t want you to know and he won’t stop then there’s your answer. You can’t force anything, he has to be willing to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:do you know what emotional support / connection he is getting from her, and is it really a breach of your marriage vows? I believe emotional affairs happen, but I also think they are overdiagnosed. A spouse cannot always meet every emotional need. Friendships are important.

Example: I have a friend from work going through a very stressful job situation that has been going on a while. His wife is a SAHM, has been for a long time, and doesn’t really follow the play by play (hasn’t wanted to, it seems, probably didn’t think it would go on this long or be such a big deal for him). We text a lot about it and I know I am giving him emotional support he isn’t getting from her. I also know that if she read every single one of our texts she would see some inside jokes (about work people / things) but nothing untoward, flirtatious or sexy. We never talk about their relationship. If I were providing the identical support to a female friend there would be nothing odd about it. but i think because it involves emotional support and opposite gender people can be quick to label it.

so ask yourself - is she a friend, or is she really stepping into a role that should be yours?

if the latter, time to figure out how you can better meet that need.

I'm in the same situation. I'm a fed working with mostly men and we text each other non stop for emotional support. However, there is nothing sexual about it. I would feel comfortable letting my husband or one of the wives reading the conversations.