DH having emotional affair

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to save the marriage at this point?

[Anonymous]

OP is not a complete moron. This is hard. The problems are real but she might be able to work things out if H and W both up their communication game.

[Anonymous]

I got into one, it never got sexual but that didn’t matter. If there a blood test to determine if one were in love I would have been off the charts. It felt incredible to have someone be interested in me and discovering new things about this stranger and where we overlapped was seriously intoxicating. It’s been over for years but she was every other thought for a really long time. Emotional affairs are mostly projection, my friend and I had no shared experiences, we didn’t do anything together, we didn’t build anything besides a 10 mile long string of text messages.
The whole thing was incredibly destructive but I wouldn’t trade it
The longer your husband‘s emotional affair goes on the harder it will be for him to come back to earth, after a long marriage we are pretty much powerless against new love chemicals, I look back on my behavior and I don’t even recognize myself. I also hurt my friend in the process, she did not deserve it, I have no idea where our friendship would have gone but my actions are something I truly regret.

I was honest with my wife and told her I had developed feelings for someone, it hurt her deeply but looking back she says it was more of a shock than an actual injury. During my emotional affair my marriage improved, we were having more fun and things were looking up.

A lot of the damage was from assumptions and her own retaliatory affair, I rocked her, she didn’t feel safe and I provided no good chemicals.

What I wish would have happened:
My wife understanding that feelings can develop out of nowhere but assuming good intentions when I said I wanted to rebuild our marriage.
Let her anger all out instead of a constant simmer that lasted for years all while she was conducting her own affair.
Have a number of scheduled frank debriefings, drain all the mystery out, get the answers to your questions but be careful what you ask for you don’t want mind movies.
After the debriefing stage call a detente to for a month or two or three and just go about your lives, he will need time to process his heartache and will be in no position to rebuild.
After you think enough time has passed look into any number of marriage courses like Gottman or marriage helpers etc., they cost money but they are worth it.
I cannot really recommend marriage counseling, you spend the week in the corner and come out swinging for 50 minutes once a week and you never really get anywhere.

ask for honesty and assume good intentions,Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, either be mature and ask him to stop or keep your head in the sand. You don’t want any real advice. The OF’s is stupid to bring up. And how do you know she is encouraging him to leave you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got into one, it never got sexual but that didn’t matter. If there a blood test to determine if one were in love I would have been off the charts. It felt incredible to have someone be interested in me and discovering new things about this stranger and where we overlapped was seriously intoxicating. It’s been over for years but she was every other thought for a really long time. Emotional affairs are mostly projection, my friend and I had no shared experiences, we didn’t do anything together, we didn’t build anything besides a 10 mile long string of text messages.
The whole thing was incredibly destructive but I wouldn’t trade it
The longer your husband‘s emotional affair goes on the harder it will be for him to come back to earth, after a long marriage we are pretty much powerless against new love chemicals, I look back on my behavior and I don’t even recognize myself. I also hurt my friend in the process, she did not deserve it, I have no idea where our friendship would have gone but my actions are something I truly regret.

I was honest with my wife and told her I had developed feelings for someone, it hurt her deeply but looking back she says it was more of a shock than an actual injury. During my emotional affair my marriage improved, we were having more fun and things were looking up.

A lot of the damage was from assumptions and her own retaliatory affair, I rocked her, she didn’t feel safe and I provided no good chemicals.

What I wish would have happened:
My wife understanding that feelings can develop out of nowhere but assuming good intentions when I said I wanted to rebuild our marriage.
Let her anger all out instead of a constant simmer that lasted for years all while she was conducting her own affair.
Have a number of scheduled frank debriefings, drain all the mystery out, get the answers to your questions but be careful what you ask for you don’t want mind movies.
After the debriefing stage call a detente to for a month or two or three and just go about your lives, he will need time to process his heartache and will be in no position to rebuild.
After you think enough time has passed look into any number of marriage courses like Gottman or marriage helpers etc., they cost money but they are worth it.
I cannot really recommend marriage counseling, you spend the week in the corner and come out swinging for 50 minutes once a week and you never really get anywhere.

ask for honesty and assume good intentions,Good luck.

So why did you decide to end it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, either be mature and ask him to stop or keep your head in the sand. You don’t want any real advice. The OF’s is stupid to bring up. And how do you know she is encouraging him to leave you?

Saw stuff and my point is she's trashy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either be mature and ask him to stop or keep your head in the sand. You don’t want any real advice. The OF’s is stupid to bring up. And how do you know she is encouraging him to leave you?

Saw stuff and my point is she's trashy

And yet, your husband is cheating on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got into one, it never got sexual but that didn’t matter. If there a blood test to determine if one were in love I would have been off the charts. It felt incredible to have someone be interested in me and discovering new things about this stranger and where we overlapped was seriously intoxicating. It’s been over for years but she was every other thought for a really long time. Emotional affairs are mostly projection, my friend and I had no shared experiences, we didn’t do anything together, we didn’t build anything besides a 10 mile long string of text messages.
The whole thing was incredibly destructive but I wouldn’t trade it
The longer your husband‘s emotional affair goes on the harder it will be for him to come back to earth, after a long marriage we are pretty much powerless against new love chemicals, I look back on my behavior and I don’t even recognize myself. I also hurt my friend in the process, she did not deserve it, I have no idea where our friendship would have gone but my actions are something I truly regret.

I was honest with my wife and told her I had developed feelings for someone, it hurt her deeply but looking back she says it was more of a shock than an actual injury. During my emotional affair my marriage improved, we were having more fun and things were looking up.

A lot of the damage was from assumptions and her own retaliatory affair, I rocked her, she didn’t feel safe and I provided no good chemicals.

What I wish would have happened:
My wife understanding that feelings can develop out of nowhere but assuming good intentions when I said I wanted to rebuild our marriage.
Let her anger all out instead of a constant simmer that lasted for years all while she was conducting her own affair.
Have a number of scheduled frank debriefings, drain all the mystery out, get the answers to your questions but be careful what you ask for you don’t want mind movies.
After the debriefing stage call a detente to for a month or two or three and just go about your lives, he will need time to process his heartache and will be in no position to rebuild.
After you think enough time has passed look into any number of marriage courses like Gottman or marriage helpers etc., they cost money but they are worth it.
I cannot really recommend marriage counseling, you spend the week in the corner and come out swinging for 50 minutes once a week and you never really get anywhere.

ask for honesty and assume good intentions,Good luck.

So why did you decide to end it?

The emotional affair ended, my marriage has not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not a complete moron. This is hard. The problems are real but she might be able to work things out if H and W both up their communication game.

She thinks a trip is better than therapy. Thinks being poor means he won't divorce her. Thinks because the other woman is trashy that she's better than her so....her husband won't leave her? Not sure why it matter if the OW is trashy or not.

OW is obviously hot. The DH wouldn’t have gone after her otherwise. Calling her trashy just makes OP look jealous.

I am jealous genius! So what? If I wasn't, why would I be posting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not a complete moron. This is hard. The problems are real but she might be able to work things out if H and W both up their communication game.

She thinks a trip is better than therapy. Thinks being poor means he won't divorce her. Thinks because the other woman is trashy that she's better than her so....her husband won't leave her? Not sure why it matter if the OW is trashy or not.

OW is obviously hot. The DH wouldn’t have gone after her otherwise. Calling her trashy just makes OP look jealous.

I am jealous genius! So what? If I wasn't, why would I be posting?

Yeah, but you’re going to look silly and obvious if you badmouth her to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got into one, it never got sexual but that didn’t matter. If there a blood test to determine if one were in love I would have been off the charts. It felt incredible to have someone be interested in me and discovering new things about this stranger and where we overlapped was seriously intoxicating. It’s been over for years but she was every other thought for a really long time. Emotional affairs are mostly projection, my friend and I had no shared experiences, we didn’t do anything together, we didn’t build anything besides a 10 mile long string of text messages.
The whole thing was incredibly destructive but I wouldn’t trade it
The longer your husband‘s emotional affair goes on the harder it will be for him to come back to earth, after a long marriage we are pretty much powerless against new love chemicals, I look back on my behavior and I don’t even recognize myself. I also hurt my friend in the process, she did not deserve it, I have no idea where our friendship would have gone but my actions are something I truly regret.

I was honest with my wife and told her I had developed feelings for someone, it hurt her deeply but looking back she says it was more of a shock than an actual injury. During my emotional affair my marriage improved, we were having more fun and things were looking up.

A lot of the damage was from assumptions and her own retaliatory affair, I rocked her, she didn’t feel safe and I provided no good chemicals.

What I wish would have happened:
My wife understanding that feelings can develop out of nowhere but assuming good intentions when I said I wanted to rebuild our marriage.
Let her anger all out instead of a constant simmer that lasted for years all while she was conducting her own affair.
Have a number of scheduled frank debriefings, drain all the mystery out, get the answers to your questions but be careful what you ask for you don’t want mind movies.
After the debriefing stage call a detente to for a month or two or three and just go about your lives, he will need time to process his heartache and will be in no position to rebuild.
After you think enough time has passed look into any number of marriage courses like Gottman or marriage helpers etc., they cost money but they are worth it.
I cannot really recommend marriage counseling, you spend the week in the corner and come out swinging for 50 minutes once a week and you never really get anywhere.

ask for honesty and assume good intentions,Good luck.

You really seem to lack a lot of insight. you cannot expect someone to wait around for you as you mope about losing your affair partner.

Like it or not this is more practical than humane. You’re not waiting a month or so to rebuild isn’t for the sake of their comfort, it’s waiting to prevent a rebound effect. Like getting into a relationship with someone fresh off a breakup, often times that relationship fizzles because one of you isn’t ready. Same deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not a complete moron. This is hard. The problems are real but she might be able to work things out if H and W both up their communication game.

She thinks a trip is better than therapy. Thinks being poor means he won't divorce her. Thinks because the other woman is trashy that she's better than her so....her husband won't leave her? Not sure why it matter if the OW is trashy or not.

OW is obviously hot. The DH wouldn’t have gone after her otherwise. Calling her trashy just makes OP look jealous.

I am jealous genius! So what? If I wasn't, why would I be posting?

Yeah, but you’re going to look silly and obvious if you badmouth her to your husband.

What do you mean obvious? How's it silly to be jealous? And what would I say instead to convey my feelings about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not a complete moron. This is hard. The problems are real but she might be able to work things out if H and W both up their communication game.

She thinks a trip is better than therapy. Thinks being poor means he won't divorce her. Thinks because the other woman is trashy that she's better than her so....her husband won't leave her? Not sure why it matter if the OW is trashy or not.

OW is obviously hot. The DH wouldn’t have gone after her otherwise. Calling her trashy just makes OP look jealous.

I am jealous genius! So what? If I wasn't, why would I be posting?

Yeah, but you’re going to look silly and obvious if you badmouth her to your husband.

What do you mean obvious? How's it silly to be jealous? And what would I say instead to convey my feelings about it?

Look, the woman has every right to post what she wants on her own social media. If your husband chooses to partake that’s an active choice he’s making. I’m going to humor you on the off chance you’re not trolling. Address this factually with him without name-calling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to say right now - he doesn't know I know as much as I do. He is away now, not with her. (I know for a fact) but I'm sure they're texting nonstop. I'm barely eating.

Rip off the bandaid and have a CTJ conversation when he returns. The longer you let it go the more he’s going to fall for her. Don’t let him gaslight you.

What would I say? I can't give an ultimatum. And how can I force it?

You have to be willing to walk away. "Obviously I'm not going to stay married to someone with a girlfriend. Let me know when you're moving out."

Believe me. I forgave an affair ten years ago, and I got dumped this past fall all the same. Your plan to do nothing because you're afraid to lose him is the worst of all options.

And also, if it's at ALL possible that they've had sex, then they have. People don't have the feels for each other and not act on it.

Please stop acting like he's the prize. You are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to say right now - he doesn't know I know as much as I do. He is away now, not with her. (I know for a fact) but I'm sure they're texting nonstop. I'm barely eating.

Rip off the bandaid and have a CTJ conversation when he returns. The longer you let it go the more he’s going to fall for her. Don’t let him gaslight you.

What would I say? I can't give an ultimatum. And how can I force it?

You have to be willing to walk away. "Obviously I'm not going to stay married to someone with a girlfriend. Let me know when you're moving out."

Believe me. I forgave an affair ten years ago, and I got dumped this past fall all the same. Your plan to do nothing because you're afraid to lose him is the worst of all options.

And also, if it's at ALL possible that they've had sex, then they have. People don't have the feels for each other and not act on it.

Please stop acting like he's the prize. You are.

Thank you