You are seriously crazy. Notice that your repeated posts trying to justify your convoluted thinking and blame the victim for potential trouble in the cheater’s marriage are in the minority here? Your thought process is so off. |
You’re a hero, OP! |
I was married. Sex definitely wasn’t the most important thing- he was an overweight alcoholic, hardly sexy but I could deal with that.
Lying and moral equivalency? Nah. See ya. |
I feel the same. If DH steps out but has no intention of leaving, will end it eventually, and is still being decent to me and the kids, I do not want to know. I know that I would not be able to stay and I think that would kill my kids. It would also ruin me financially. I respect people who would want to know, but there are a lot of us who wouldn't. |
Oh dear lord. The irony. Just ignore my cheating---you are going to cause my divorce. JFC. Cheaters are so fkd up in the head. |
Get help. |
I don't think it matters at all. It can be a little bit of both. They can want the spouse to know so they have their ducks in a row, can protect their children from any potential crazies, get their affairs in order knowing they are married to someone that is going to likely file for divorce w/out their being clued in for years, and protect themselves against STIs. And, they can also be pissed and want this person out of their family, their lives. It's kind of honorable to take one off the market--maybe just maybe that won't do it to another person after getting caught. One can hope the revelation will cure them of their deficiencies and force some self introspection about how deceitful and morally corrupt they are. |
Oh please, OP doesn’t give a damn about any of this. |
And many others would. If you are fine with staying with a cheater, just ignore the information and keep your head in the sand. Don't shoot the messenger because you have no self respect ![]() |
If OP is to be believed, they intentionally did something without caring if they were hurting someone else just so they could feel better, not to help the other person. That someone was as innocent of blame as OP and yet OP punished them. OP didn’t call the AP and tell them off so the AP could mend their ways. They called the spouse so they could feel better about themselves. It’s a human thing to feel and to want to do. But doing it is not noble. |
It's people like you who fall the hardest when life get messy. And it always gets messy. I often wonder what it's like living in a black & white world that you must protect by hurling meaningless insults at people you don't know. |
That was the cheating, honey. She wouldn't have had to make a phone call, if you treated your spouse with respect and honesty. You don't get to have the moral high ground. Telling the truth vs going behind people's backs, lying and committing adultery....hmmm? Which one is wrong? |
+1 Nothing in OP's post said she was happy about having to do this. In fact, she spent a lot of time contemplating what to do. "I emailed the other betrayed spouse that their spouse and my spouse had an affair. I went back and forth about whether or not I should contact them but I felt a huge sense of relief once I shared the truth. I was no longer holding onto our cheating, lying spouses’ secret. I have enough sh!t to deal with in this awful aftermath and I refuse to safeguard others’s lies and betrayals. Sharing in case anyone else is in a similar situation. Free yourself!" She did what she needed to do to heal. Hearing bad news is part of life. The cheaters put her in that moral dilemna. She is not at fault for anything. In fact, most of us, would want to know if our spouse was cheating and would thank the bearer of the news. "Don't shoot the messenger" didn't become a catch phrase for no reason. Shooting the messenger, a metaphorical phrase for blaming the bearer of bad news What does the saying "don't shoot the messenger" mean? to unfairly blame a person who has given you bad news or information, when you should instead be angry with the people who are really responsible for the situation. I don't make the rules – don't shoot the messenger! Easy Learning Idioms Dictionary. |
+1 |
It’s not black and white. No question, the betrayed spouse deserves to know in the majority of cases (assuming we are dealing with a stable person). But there is some (probably small) chance that the betrayed spouse is a psycho likely to engage in violence or likely to engage in self harm. In that case, is it really best to tell, regardless of what happens?
For this reason I probably wouldn’t tell unless I had some indication that the person is just a normal human who deserves to know. But I would definitely want to tell for a number of reasons and I understand OP. Also, it’s easy to theorize…. Who knows what any of us would do in that situation…. Hopefully the other spouse will take the information to improve their situation and not in any violent way. |