DH is not the person I married :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I am your husband. Not actually, but someone a lot like him. I worked very hard these years sacrificing my physical and mental health to provide you with an amazing life. Now that I’ve spent some time WFH, I realized just how amazing that life is and I want some of it for myself too before I kick the bucket.

You are welcome.

I hear this. I am the wife who works many more hours than my husband and prepandemic I just wanted to spend more time in my house looking at my flowers. Now I do (and I still earn $$$). The difference seems to be that my husband and kids are really happy for me to get all of the good things.

Yeah, unlike OP, your husband probably doesn’t get sexually excited from watching you slowly killing yourself.

[Anonymous]

What's his salary now as compared to before? Or are you mad that he's not making more than he is now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks- this is exactly what a close friend suggested. I guess the other part that bothers me, is I like being the mom and the one that is taking care of the kids/house etc. This has been part of my job for 15 yrs. He's flipping our entire family dynamic without considering everyone else.

I also think if I get a higher-paying (aka more stress) job while he plays Mr Mom, our marriage is doomed because I'm so turned off.

So you'd be turned off by your husband being an active father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

But you just said you WANTED that role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

Did he literally not just say that though?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

Are you OP? The man OP wanted wasn't a dad. She wanted drive, motivation, and high income. Those jobs are incompatible with doing much more than simply going to work and earning the money. OP herself took a cut to what she was earning so that she could have a job that enabled her to do the childcare. So no, not "everyone does that." OP didn't. She didn't do that because she liked taking care of the kids, and now, when she's asked to do what he did for 15 years, it's unreasonable. It's telling that she can't bear the thought of taking on exactly the kind of life that she demands of him.

I'm not (wasn't OP) but are you incapable of reading? He wasn't like this when they married and had children. He was working hard and earning a high income. And I'm assuming OP was willing and happy for her career to stagnate because he was doing what needed to be done. He is no longer doing that. If he is sleeping in, staying up late, working out and playing golf, he has plenty of time to take on my household responsibilities. He just chooses to prioritize his comfort. And not that the kids are grown he wants to do all that and have her work more. GTFOH.

Doesn’t OP’s husband still make high income? So basically OP and the rest of you place value on the pointless hustle?

Who in their right mind would chose to work more for the same money?

NP. She actually never said he made a high income, just that he was a hard worker and had drive.

But let's assume for the sake of argument he made a high income. So when the kids were young he had a hard, high-income job that brought in most of the HHI. Big contribution, big effort. She took a more flexible job and handled 100% of child/house care. Big contribution, big effort. Now he has a very easy job that (maybe?) pays the same as before, but does still does nothing for the kids. Good contribution, no effort. She is doing what she's always done, job + still handles all of the work around the house/kids, but the kids are older now so probably not as hands-on as when they were 5/2. Big contribution, somewhat less effort on the kid front (but still all the effort on the house front).

He wants her to change jobs, find something that pays more, and if she does he will help out more around the house and with "kid shuttling" - strangely the same year that the oldest will be able to drive themselves. So in his mind, he will be back to big contribution, big effort, which isn't crazy. But he's starting from the position that she owes him more money to justify him pitching in more around the house, when he has more free time than anyone in the household right now. That's what's messed up. She hasn't slacked off in any respect, but he's telling her to step her game up to convince him to put in any effort on the kids/home front. I would not take that kind of direction well from a husband who sleeps in every morning, golfs twice a week, and works less than 40 hours. Income isn't really the sole issue (remember, she never even said he was high income, just a hard worker). He's slacking and still acting like she isn't putting in the effort that would justify him being a partner.

You make no sense. If he's making the same as before, why is that not a big contribution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may get a lot of heat, but my DH is not the same person I married since Covid. He used to be (or at least appear to be) a hard-worker who worked in an office during the day. He was up and out before the kids woke when they were little (now 12/15) and home around 6.

Since Covid, he's been WFH 90% of the time and has an insane amount of free time during the day. He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights. He takes a few meetings, revolves his days around his 9:30am workout class, and is done by 4 at the latest. Golfs Wed/Fri afternoons.

Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. This is not the man I married or the life I wanted for myself or my kids (he's not setting the bar very high for a future spouse). He's acting like he's retired and he's only 45. Lack of drive/motivation was one of the main reasons I fell in love with him, ugh..

So did you ask him why? Because it sounds like you've martyted yourself all these years and maybe he thinks he's doing you a favor by saying you can go have the job you had wanted but couldn't have before. Or is it better to post on DCUM and have people pipe up that you're so under-appreciated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

Her kids are 12 and 15, how chaotic do you think their mornings are? My kids are 10 and are mornings are very calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

That's not what he said. He said OP can go get a higher paying job now because he will do the kid and house stuff. Not that she needs to go make more money and he'll only lift a finger if she does so. But go ahead and twist the narrative and rail against men. It's no loss to anyone else if you do that.
- Woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

But you just said you WANTED that role.

NP: it seems to me that he dumped the difficult years of parenting onto OP (and didn’t help much at all from what she says) and of course NOW wants to switch roles and play “house dad” now that the kids are pretty much self sufficient and there isn’t much active parenting to do. I mean….seriously? LOL. Don’t get me wrong- it is great that he can now WFH and be more present. But pressuring OP to find a better paying job with longer hours that she isn’t interested in right now (sounds like they don’t need the $ but he would just LIKE more) is lame. If he wanted that, perhaps he should’ve helped more when the kids were young so she didn’t feel she needed to mommy track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

You make no sense. It doesn’t sound like me makes less money now, and is able to do it working less. Great! What’s your problem? You were OK when he was working long hours.

Your kids are older, they don’t need a lot of care at this age.

Don’t go back to work, though. Continue to do your normal stuff you’ve been doing for 15 years and be glad your DH doesn’t have to work so hard any more.

So as long as the man makes enough money that's all he needs to do. Did you see OP's post where she said he sleeps in, stays up late, works out and is done with work by 4?

Did you also miss where he is telling her to work more and make more money?

Yes, I saw that. I don’t see a problem and I’m a working wife. Her kids are well old enough to get themselves off to school, why would he need to get up early? Her job is talking care of family and house, she should continue doing that or get a paying one.

OP here - You are missing a major piece here - I have been working while raising the kids. I've sacrificed comp for flexibility for the past 15 yrs. He's telling me he can pick up the house duties and kid shuttling now, so I should get a different job with a higher income.

My point is this is - not who I married, income level aside, I never would have chosen a "Mr Mom" to spend my life with. To each their own but this is how I feel.

Got it. You just wanted a sperm donor and a paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

What would she like him to do for their middle schooler and high schooler in the morning? I wake up when my high schoolers do and I just sit and the kitchen table and drink coffee while they buzz around.

He's saying there's shuttling to be done. That's from him, not her. So he could . . . do that. But he can't if he's asleep every morning when dropoff needs to happen. You're trying to compare you waking up with your kids and not having to help them brush their teeth with him not even waking up in the morning at all, and saying it's fine to do one if it's fine to do the other. So what if OP chose not to wake up either? Since middle schoolers need so little supervision, that should be fine, right?

We "shuttle" our kids in the afternoons to sports but they take the bus to and from school. So you're just making up facts to suit your narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are teens are quite happy to not see us in the morning. They are grumpy and rushed.

Mornings are our favorite time together. Dad makes breakfast, we eat together and mom drives teens to school. Evenings are good too. Mom makes dinner, we eat together after sports/activities are done, and then teens do homework while parents catch up with each other's day out on the porch listening to music. It's lovely. You really have to do meals together to keep teens engaged with the family.

Co-dependence isn't good for teens. When everything is sunshine and roses for one person, all the time as your post suggests, it's smothering for other people. Yes, some people luck into all 4 having the same temperament and personality and rhythms, but I haven't seen it in a single one of my friend's families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

Because it's a million times easier now that the kids are older, of course he wants to be involved.

First of all, it sounds like OP didn't give him a chance when the kids were younger.

Second of all, it's not necessarily easier now. You have no idea what their childcare situation was before. Older kids can be needier than younger kids, that is acknowledged on here all the time.

Why do you people hate men so much? It's kind of gross, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

You make no sense. It doesn’t sound like me makes less money now, and is able to do it working less. Great! What’s your problem? You were OK when he was working long hours.

Your kids are older, they don’t need a lot of care at this age.

Don’t go back to work, though. Continue to do your normal stuff you’ve been doing for 15 years and be glad your DH doesn’t have to work so hard any more.

So as long as the man makes enough money that's all he needs to do. Did you see OP's post where she said he sleeps in, stays up late, works out and is done with work by 4?

Did you also miss where he is telling her to work more and make more money?

Yes, I saw that. I don’t see a problem and I’m a working wife. Her kids are well old enough to get themselves off to school, why would he need to get up early? Her job is talking care of family and house, she should continue doing that or get a paying one.

OP here - You are missing a major piece here - I have been working while raising the kids. I've sacrificed comp for flexibility for the past 15 yrs. He's telling me he can pick up the house duties and kid shuttling now, so I should get a different job with a higher income.

My point is this is - not who I married, income level aside, I never would have chosen a "Mr Mom" to spend my life with. To each their own but this is how I feel.

Got it. You just wanted a sperm donor and a paycheck.

Are you missing the fact that OP has worked FT throughout the marriage?! She said nothing about being a SAHM. What about women who work in lower paid fields (teachers, for example)? Are they all just looking for sperm donors too?

I wouldn’t have any interest in being married to a “Mr. Mom” type either. Most women don’t.