DH is not the person I married :(

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

And I don't see where you're getting this either, because OP doesn't say it's an either or situation. Just that its a "now that I have the flexibility, we can look at you expanding".

Quote for reference

"Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. "

If no one needs to be their main caretaker (because either OP is the only one and doesnt need DH, or if DH wants to the kids are old enough they no longer need one - make up your damn mind), why can't OP get a better job? Because she doesn't want to. Which is fine, but let's not call one person lazy and unambitious when the other won't lift a finger either...

From the OP, the part you didn't quote. "He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights." So he has all the free time, and doesn't direct it to his kids or family. That's in the OP, it's not an assumption. Now read the part you're quoting - he's saying he *can* do those things, not that he does! So it's a weird ultimatum from him that she needs to go earn more money and then he'll step up on the kid/house front. She mommytracked herself because that was their agreement, which makes getting a higher paying job more difficult. And if you're so sure that he still makes a "high income" except now with only 10% of the effort why does she need to make more at all? Does someone have a gambling problem that hasn't come up?

He's not lazy because he works from home. I work from home, so does DH, it's great. He's lazy because he watches her do all the childcare/housework and just opts out to golf and sleep late and go to the gym. All things that benefit himself and only himself. And he's managed to frame any discussion around him contributing more around her "earning" his effort by making more money, even though she has a job and hasn't taken a step back on any front.

Ok, so he doesn't see them all mornings before school. She didn't say none, so sometimes he does.

And why does staying up late watching TV at night mean he's not spending time with his kids? Nowhere does it say that he doesn't direct any of his free time towards his kids or family.

And in any event, let's say everything you said was true, it sounds like that's the dynamic OP wanted from the start. She wanted him to be gone and go make money. He doesn't need to see her or the kids, just bring home the bacon, that's all she wanted. And now he's trying to figure out how on earth to actually be a present dad.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

What would she like him to do for their middle schooler and high schooler in the morning? I wake up when my high schoolers do and I just sit and the kitchen table and drink coffee while they buzz around.

He's saying there's shuttling to be done. That's from him, not her. So he could . . . do that. But he can't if he's asleep every morning when dropoff needs to happen. You're trying to compare you waking up with your kids and not having to help them brush their teeth with him not even waking up in the morning at all, and saying it's fine to do one if it's fine to do the other. So what if OP chose not to wake up either? Since middle schoolers need so little supervision, that should be fine, right?

Nothing in the OP is about morning shuttling. That usually happens in the afternoon, evenings, and weekend. Do you guys have teens?

So you agree that both parents can sleep in because teens are self-sufficient?

Not PP but sure, why not?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

What would she like him to do for their middle schooler and high schooler in the morning? I wake up when my high schoolers do and I just sit and the kitchen table and drink coffee while they buzz around.

He's saying there's shuttling to be done. That's from him, not her. So he could . . . do that. But he can't if he's asleep every morning when dropoff needs to happen. You're trying to compare you waking up with your kids and not having to help them brush their teeth with him not even waking up in the morning at all, and saying it's fine to do one if it's fine to do the other. So what if OP chose not to wake up either? Since middle schoolers need so little supervision, that should be fine, right?

Nothing in the OP is about morning shuttling. That usually happens in the afternoon, evenings, and weekend. Do you guys have teens?

So you agree that both parents can sleep in because teens are self-sufficient?

DP, but yes? Both my parents were gone for work before I got up by the time I was that age.

My husband's parents were both gone by the time he was up starting in Kindergarten. He had an older sister but it was just the two of them in the mornings all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may get a lot of heat, but my DH is not the same person I married since Covid. He used to be (or at least appear to be) a hard-worker who worked in an office during the day. He was up and out before the kids woke when they were little (now 12/15) and home around 6.

Since Covid, he's been WFH 90% of the time and has an insane amount of free time during the day. He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights. He takes a few meetings, revolves his days around his 9:30am workout class, and is done by 4 at the latest. Golfs Wed/Fri afternoons.

Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. This is not the man I married or the life I wanted for myself or my kids (he's not setting the bar very high for a future spouse). He's acting like he's retired and he's only 45. Lack of drive/motivation was one of the main reasons I fell in love with him, ugh..

Good for him. He realized what’s important. I suggest you do the same.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

And I don't see where you're getting this either, because OP doesn't say it's an either or situation. Just that its a "now that I have the flexibility, we can look at you expanding".

Quote for reference

"Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. "

If no one needs to be their main caretaker (because either OP is the only one and doesnt need DH, or if DH wants to the kids are old enough they no longer need one - make up your damn mind), why can't OP get a better job? Because she doesn't want to. Which is fine, but let's not call one person lazy and unambitious when the other won't lift a finger either...

From the OP, the part you didn't quote. "He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights." So he has all the free time, and doesn't direct it to his kids or family. That's in the OP, it's not an assumption. Now read the part you're quoting - he's saying he *can* do those things, not that he does! So it's a weird ultimatum from him that she needs to go earn more money and then he'll step up on the kid/house front. She mommytracked herself because that was their agreement, which makes getting a higher paying job more difficult. And if you're so sure that he still makes a "high income" except now with only 10% of the effort why does she need to make more at all? Does someone have a gambling problem that hasn't come up?

He's not lazy because he works from home. I work from home, so does DH, it's great. He's lazy because he watches her do all the childcare/housework and just opts out to golf and sleep late and go to the gym. All things that benefit himself and only himself. And he's managed to frame any discussion around him contributing more around her "earning" his effort by making more money, even though she has a job and hasn't taken a step back on any front.

I don't think you understand what an ultimatum is, because that aint it. And assuming gambling problems now? Hilarious! Really just making sh*t up to make the DH, who wants to spend more time with his family, a bad guy

Well that addresses zero of my points, but a flounce was expected from the selective quoting and the fact you keep misrepresenting the fact pattern.

You don't have any points, you made up "facts" that weren't in the OP (from which I was directly getting MY info) to try and bolster your case against a DH you don't even know. Bizarre that you say I'm the one misrepresenting when you are literally spinning fairy tales.

Actually, I quoted the OP directly, the part you were trying to ignore to misrepresent the situation. And I didn't make up any facts, I pointed out that there's no explanation for the need for more money. But you are super duper mad that I didn't fall for your cherry picking so here come the cursing and emojis. Don't interrupt your flounce on my behalf.

DP. Show me the need for more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

So you actually didn't like how he was then ... and you don't like how he is now. Get divorced. You said yourself, the bar is low for a new spouse, so go find one and tell us how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont see what the problem is here, except that he should be up in the morning.

DH now works from home 98% of the time. He also has a ton of free time. Sometimes I'm envious because he has time to work out during the day, run errands, take a nap, etc. Because of his flexibility, he does more of the driving for the kids, the errands, the appointments, laundry, dog walking and the shopping. I still do all the finances, life organization, and most of the cooking and cleaning and usually do some of the kid driving, but not as much as DH.

He has not told me to make more money, but I definitely do more travel and have been able to lean in more to work.

I dont see his working from home on what is in reality a half time schedule as him being less ambitious. I think he's just lucky. Gets his full time salary without the grind and commute. I dont understand why OP wouldn't take up her spouse's offer of taking on more kid/house stuff. My advice would be, ask him to step up and take on more and once you see that its working, then you can step up more.

Why? Some people aren't morning people. The kids are old enough to get themselves ready without any parental involvement. They could be those kids who have to get on the bus by 6:30. Why should both parents drag themselves out of bed to say goodbye every morning?

[Anonymous]

I’m confused- OP does your DH even work full time? How does he have time to take two afternoons a week off to golf, plus workout every day mid morning etc?? Is he working into the evenings?

I wouldn’t be OK with my DH dropping to part time work in his 40s unless we were either (1) very wealthy or (2) he was using that time to care for small children etc. And yes, I work FT too.

I’d be pissed to be working full time while my DH spent half his days golfing and working out. He is in his 40s with kids still at home to support- not verging on retirement ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I am your husband. Not actually, but someone a lot like him. I worked very hard these years sacrificing my physical and mental health to provide you with an amazing life. Now that I’ve spent some time WFH, I realized just how amazing that life is and I want some of it for myself too before I kick the bucket.

You are welcome.

+1

I'm a wife who works and makes about the same as my husband, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

But you just said you WANTED that role.

NP: it seems to me that he dumped the difficult years of parenting onto OP (and didn’t help much at all from what she says) and of course NOW wants to switch roles and play “house dad” now that the kids are pretty much self sufficient and there isn’t much active parenting to do. I mean….seriously? LOL. Don’t get me wrong- it is great that he can now WFH and be more present. But pressuring OP to find a better paying job with longer hours that she isn’t interested in right now (sounds like they don’t need the $ but he would just LIKE more) is lame. If he wanted that, perhaps he should’ve helped more when the kids were young so she didn’t feel she needed to mommy track.

OP DID NOT WANT HIM TO PARENT IN THE BEGINNING. She doesn't want him to parent now either, apparently. But acting like the dad just peaced out in the early years against OP's wishes is disingenuous.

And where did OP say he is pressuring her to find a better paying job with longer hours?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

You make no sense. It doesn’t sound like me makes less money now, and is able to do it working less. Great! What’s your problem? You were OK when he was working long hours.

Your kids are older, they don’t need a lot of care at this age.

Don’t go back to work, though. Continue to do your normal stuff you’ve been doing for 15 years and be glad your DH doesn’t have to work so hard any more.

So as long as the man makes enough money that's all he needs to do. Did you see OP's post where she said he sleeps in, stays up late, works out and is done with work by 4?

Did you also miss where he is telling her to work more and make more money?

Yes, I saw that. I don’t see a problem and I’m a working wife. Her kids are well old enough to get themselves off to school, why would he need to get up early? Her job is talking care of family and house, she should continue doing that or get a paying one.

OP here - You are missing a major piece here - I have been working while raising the kids. I've sacrificed comp for flexibility for the past 15 yrs. He's telling me he can pick up the house duties and kid shuttling now, so I should get a different job with a higher income.

My point is this is - not who I married, income level aside, I never would have chosen a "Mr Mom" to spend my life with. To each their own but this is how I feel.

Got it. You just wanted a sperm donor and a paycheck.

Are you missing the fact that OP has worked FT throughout the marriage?! She said nothing about being a SAHM. What about women who work in lower paid fields (teachers, for example)? Are they all just looking for sperm donors too?

I wouldn’t have any interest in being married to a “Mr. Mom” type either. Most women don’t.

I'd love to hear what kind of full-time job OP has had all these years. And no, I didn't miss that she had worked, because I can read.

If you don't want an active dad, that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion. And I'm entitled to think less of you because of it. Some of us didn't have kids with someone expecting them to not be present. Most women I know wouldn't be at all happy with a dad who only works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

I know, right. That was my thought too (not OP). I'd tell him to F off.

+1

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

But you just said you WANTED that role.

NP: it seems to me that he dumped the difficult years of parenting onto OP (and didn’t help much at all from what she says) and of course NOW wants to switch roles and play “house dad” now that the kids are pretty much self sufficient and there isn’t much active parenting to do. I mean….seriously? LOL. Don’t get me wrong- it is great that he can now WFH and be more present. But pressuring OP to find a better paying job with longer hours that she isn’t interested in right now (sounds like they don’t need the $ but he would just LIKE more) is lame. If he wanted that, perhaps he should’ve helped more when the kids were young so she didn’t feel she needed to mommy track.

OP DID NOT WANT HIM TO PARENT IN THE BEGINNING. She doesn't want him to parent now either, apparently. But acting like the dad just peaced out in the early years against OP's wishes is disingenuous.

And where did OP say he is pressuring her to find a better paying job with longer hours?

Stated right in her original post

[Anonymous]

Probably cheating

[Anonymous]

Take it from someone who used to be biglaw and now works 40 hours a week:

Working long hours sucks. Working fewer hours is a lot more enjoyable. Sitting in a chair most of your waking life is terrible for your health and likely to cause an early death. Daily workouts are great and golf is a good way to get fresh air and de-stress.

Good for him! He should cut back on TV and wake up earlier but other than that there’s no problem here. If he’s worked hard to reach financial stability, it’s completely rational to dial back and reinvest in other things.

You are also entitled to not want to work long hours too. Just don’t whine about how he should be doing what you don’t want to do either.

If your finances are in order there’s no problem here. Just chill out, be great for your good fortune and stop being a nag.