DH is not the person I married :(

[Anonymous]

This may get a lot of heat, but my DH is not the same person I married since Covid. He used to be (or at least appear to be) a hard-worker who worked in an office during the day. He was up and out before the kids woke when they were little (now 12/15) and home around 6.

Since Covid, he's been WFH 90% of the time and has an insane amount of free time during the day. He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights. He takes a few meetings, revolves his days around his 9:30am workout class, and is done by 4 at the latest. Golfs Wed/Fri afternoons.

Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. This is not the man I married or the life I wanted for myself or my kids (he's not setting the bar very high for a future spouse). He's acting like he's retired and he's only 45. Lack of drive/motivation was one of the main reasons I fell in love with him, ugh..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may get a lot of heat, but my DH is not the same person I married since Covid. He used to be (or at least appear to be) a hard-worker who worked in an office during the day. He was up and out before the kids woke when they were little (now 12/15) and home around 6.

Since Covid, he's been WFH 90% of the time and has an insane amount of free time during the day. He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights. He takes a few meetings, revolves his days around his 9:30am workout class, and is done by 4 at the latest. Golfs Wed/Fri afternoons.

Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. This is not the man I married or the life I wanted for myself or my kids (he's not setting the bar very high for a future spouse). He's acting like he's retired and he's only 45. Lack of drive/motivation was one of the main reasons I fell in love with him, ugh..

Sounds like he can do all that no matter what your job is. Tell him to start and if his performance up to your standards you'll job hunt.

[Anonymous]

Take him up on it. Tell him to do all the housework, driving etc for six months and if it works you’ll get a bigger job.

[Anonymous]

Thanks- this is exactly what a close friend suggested. I guess the other part that bothers me, is I like being the mom and the one that is taking care of the kids/house etc. This has been part of my job for 15 yrs. He's flipping our entire family dynamic without considering everyone else.

I also think if I get a higher-paying (aka more stress) job while he plays Mr Mom, our marriage is doomed because I'm so turned off.

[Anonymous]

Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

I know, right. That was my thought too (not OP). I'd tell him to F off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

[Anonymous]

That sounds so unattractive

[Anonymous]

What job does he have? How secure? If they find out his real schedule and time spent working is that a problem? Any chance of RTO?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but he may be having an affair and want to divorce.
My husband followed a similar pattern.
He's smart and knows he'll pay less in alimony and child support if you have a higher paying job.
Start investigating him- check his cell records, emails, etc.
Look at the thread on affair and contempt. good tips there.

I hope it's not the case, but his behavior points to an affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, but he may be having an affair and want to divorce.
My husband followed a similar pattern.
He's smart and knows he'll pay less in alimony and child support if you have a higher paying job.
Start investigating him- check his cell records, emails, etc.
Look at the thread on affair and contempt. good tips there.

I hope it's not the case, but his behavior points to an affair

Op here - thank you. I have had this exact thought, unfortunately. But unless it's' happening at the golf course or gym, he's always home. I could also be super naive about his golfing and working out though

[Anonymous]

Weird.

He sure turned into a loser fast.

Is he behaving like this to get you to file for divorce? Seems like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

Are you OP? The man OP wanted wasn't a dad. She wanted drive, motivation, and high income. Those jobs are incompatible with doing much more than simply going to work and earning the money. OP herself took a cut to what she was earning so that she could have a job that enabled her to do the childcare. So no, not "everyone does that." OP didn't. She didn't do that because she liked taking care of the kids, and now, when she's asked to do what he did for 15 years, it's unreasonable. It's telling that she can't bear the thought of taking on exactly the kind of life that she demands of him.