DH is not the person I married :(

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

You make no sense. It doesn’t sound like me makes less money now, and is able to do it working less. Great! What’s your problem? You were OK when he was working long hours.

Your kids are older, they don’t need a lot of care at this age.

Don’t go back to work, though. Continue to do your normal stuff you’ve been doing for 15 years and be glad your DH doesn’t have to work so hard any more.

So as long as the man makes enough money that's all he needs to do. Did you see OP's post where she said he sleeps in, stays up late, works out and is done with work by 4?

Did you also miss where he is telling her to work more and make more money?

Yes, I saw that. I don’t see a problem and I’m a working wife. Her kids are well old enough to get themselves off to school, why would he need to get up early? Her job is talking care of family and house, she should continue doing that or get a paying one.

OP here - You are missing a major piece here - I have been working while raising the kids. I've sacrificed comp for flexibility for the past 15 yrs. He's telling me he can pick up the house duties and kid shuttling now, so I should get a different job with a higher income.

My point is this is - not who I married, income level aside, I never would have chosen a "Mr Mom" to spend my life with. To each their own but this is how I feel.

Got it. You just wanted a sperm donor and a paycheck.

Are you missing the fact that OP has worked FT throughout the marriage?! She said nothing about being a SAHM. What about women who work in lower paid fields (teachers, for example)? Are they all just looking for sperm donors too?

I wouldn’t have any interest in being married to a “Mr. Mom” type either. Most women don’t.

DP - I think you're missing the point. She wanted him to work long hours and never be around. But she wanted children, and I'm sure enjoys huge benefits of his paycheck. She doesn't want him around, she just wanted his sperm and cash. Whether she works or not is almost irrelevant. She benefited from his working.

[Anonymous]

IMO if he is now around to help more- hey great- more time for you to catch up hobbies, exercise, friendships etc that have probably neglected over the busy little kid years. Given the ages of your kids, now is the time to start building more of a life for yourself outside the kids anyway.

Doesn’t sound like finances are an issue so if you are happy in you current job- great. I would not make any change unless you want to.

If he had little interest in parenting up until now that is unfortunate- but, better late than never. Frankly a lot of the teenage stuff (I have 3) has been harder to deal with than little kids at times. And my DH was excellent with little kids but is horrible with teenagers, so it is mostly on me. If I had a spouse who was good with teens it would be so much easier.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

You make no sense. It doesn’t sound like me makes less money now, and is able to do it working less. Great! What’s your problem? You were OK when he was working long hours.

Your kids are older, they don’t need a lot of care at this age.

Don’t go back to work, though. Continue to do your normal stuff you’ve been doing for 15 years and be glad your DH doesn’t have to work so hard any more.

So as long as the man makes enough money that's all he needs to do. Did you see OP's post where she said he sleeps in, stays up late, works out and is done with work by 4?

Did you also miss where he is telling her to work more and make more money?

Yes, I saw that. I don’t see a problem and I’m a working wife. Her kids are well old enough to get themselves off to school, why would he need to get up early? Her job is talking care of family and house, she should continue doing that or get a paying one.

OP here - You are missing a major piece here - I have been working while raising the kids. I've sacrificed comp for flexibility for the past 15 yrs. He's telling me he can pick up the house duties and kid shuttling now, so I should get a different job with a higher income.

My point is this is - not who I married, income level aside, I never would have chosen a "Mr Mom" to spend my life with. To each their own but this is how I feel.

Got it. You just wanted a sperm donor and a paycheck.

Are you missing the fact that OP has worked FT throughout the marriage?! She said nothing about being a SAHM. What about women who work in lower paid fields (teachers, for example)? Are they all just looking for sperm donors too?

I wouldn’t have any interest in being married to a “Mr. Mom” type either. Most women don’t.

DP - I think you're missing the point. She wanted him to work long hours and never be around. But she wanted children, and I'm sure enjoys huge benefits of his paycheck. She doesn't want him around, she just wanted his sperm and cash. Whether she works or not is almost irrelevant. She benefited from his working.

She stated that her DH was home at 6 every night. pretty typical hours, nothing crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused- OP does your DH even work full time? How does he have time to take two afternoons a week off to golf, plus workout every day mid morning etc?? Is he working into the evenings?

I wouldn’t be OK with my DH dropping to part time work in his 40s unless we were either (1) very wealthy or (2) he was using that time to care for small children etc. And yes, I work FT too.

I’d be pissed to be working full time while my DH spent half his days golfing and working out. He is in his 40s with kids still at home to support- not verging on retirement ffs.

It sounds like DH still makes the same amount, he just isn't tied to an office 50h a week. Why would it bother you to have your husband work less, make the same, and have more time to spend with his family?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

But you just said you WANTED that role.

NP: it seems to me that he dumped the difficult years of parenting onto OP (and didn’t help much at all from what she says) and of course NOW wants to switch roles and play “house dad” now that the kids are pretty much self sufficient and there isn’t much active parenting to do. I mean….seriously? LOL. Don’t get me wrong- it is great that he can now WFH and be more present. But pressuring OP to find a better paying job with longer hours that she isn’t interested in right now (sounds like they don’t need the $ but he would just LIKE more) is lame. If he wanted that, perhaps he should’ve helped more when the kids were young so she didn’t feel she needed to mommy track.

OP DID NOT WANT HIM TO PARENT IN THE BEGINNING. She doesn't want him to parent now either, apparently. But acting like the dad just peaced out in the early years against OP's wishes is disingenuous.

And where did OP say he is pressuring her to find a better paying job with longer hours?

Agreed. There is no "pressure", there was a suggestion. I'm going to guess OP has complained for years about how she had to mommy track and put her career on a shelf, since her DH was never around. Now he's giving her the opportunity to spread her wings and she spits on him.

She doesn't want him around but resents when he isn't around. She doesn't even like him. The sperm donor comments ring truer and truer.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

You make no sense. It doesn’t sound like me makes less money now, and is able to do it working less. Great! What’s your problem? You were OK when he was working long hours.

Your kids are older, they don’t need a lot of care at this age.

Don’t go back to work, though. Continue to do your normal stuff you’ve been doing for 15 years and be glad your DH doesn’t have to work so hard any more.

So as long as the man makes enough money that's all he needs to do. Did you see OP's post where she said he sleeps in, stays up late, works out and is done with work by 4?

Did you also miss where he is telling her to work more and make more money?

Yes, I saw that. I don’t see a problem and I’m a working wife. Her kids are well old enough to get themselves off to school, why would he need to get up early? Her job is talking care of family and house, she should continue doing that or get a paying one.

OP here - You are missing a major piece here - I have been working while raising the kids. I've sacrificed comp for flexibility for the past 15 yrs. He's telling me he can pick up the house duties and kid shuttling now, so I should get a different job with a higher income.

My point is this is - not who I married, income level aside, I never would have chosen a "Mr Mom" to spend my life with. To each their own but this is how I feel.

Got it. You just wanted a sperm donor and a paycheck.

Are you missing the fact that OP has worked FT throughout the marriage?! She said nothing about being a SAHM. What about women who work in lower paid fields (teachers, for example)? Are they all just looking for sperm donors too?

I wouldn’t have any interest in being married to a “Mr. Mom” type either. Most women don’t.

DP - I think you're missing the point. She wanted him to work long hours and never be around. But she wanted children, and I'm sure enjoys huge benefits of his paycheck. She doesn't want him around, she just wanted his sperm and cash. Whether she works or not is almost irrelevant. She benefited from his working.

She stated that her DH was home at 6 every night. pretty typical hours, nothing crazy

OP absolutely resents him for his hours:

"Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

But you just said you WANTED that role.

NP: it seems to me that he dumped the difficult years of parenting onto OP (and didn’t help much at all from what she says) and of course NOW wants to switch roles and play “house dad” now that the kids are pretty much self sufficient and there isn’t much active parenting to do. I mean….seriously? LOL. Don’t get me wrong- it is great that he can now WFH and be more present. But pressuring OP to find a better paying job with longer hours that she isn’t interested in right now (sounds like they don’t need the $ but he would just LIKE more) is lame. If he wanted that, perhaps he should’ve helped more when the kids were young so she didn’t feel she needed to mommy track.

You have made stuff up. OP wanted to be lead parent. She says being married to “Mr. Mom” turns her off. So no, I don’t see anything to suggest he “dumped the difficult years” on OP.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

You make no sense. It doesn’t sound like me makes less money now, and is able to do it working less. Great! What’s your problem? You were OK when he was working long hours.

Your kids are older, they don’t need a lot of care at this age.

Don’t go back to work, though. Continue to do your normal stuff you’ve been doing for 15 years and be glad your DH doesn’t have to work so hard any more.

So as long as the man makes enough money that's all he needs to do. Did you see OP's post where she said he sleeps in, stays up late, works out and is done with work by 4?

Did you also miss where he is telling her to work more and make more money?

Yes, I saw that. I don’t see a problem and I’m a working wife. Her kids are well old enough to get themselves off to school, why would he need to get up early? Her job is talking care of family and house, she should continue doing that or get a paying one.

OP here - You are missing a major piece here - I have been working while raising the kids. I've sacrificed comp for flexibility for the past 15 yrs. He's telling me he can pick up the house duties and kid shuttling now, so I should get a different job with a higher income.

My point is this is - not who I married, income level aside, I never would have chosen a "Mr Mom" to spend my life with. To each their own but this is how I feel.

Got it. You just wanted a sperm donor and a paycheck.

Are you missing the fact that OP has worked FT throughout the marriage?! She said nothing about being a SAHM. What about women who work in lower paid fields (teachers, for example)? Are they all just looking for sperm donors too?

I wouldn’t have any interest in being married to a “Mr. Mom” type either. Most women don’t.

I’m married to a Mr. Mom type. My children are doing great. But honestly I do worry that they will unprepared to deal with all of your children who grew up in such sexist households. They might think the shared responsibility in our house is the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

But you just said you WANTED that role.

NP: it seems to me that he dumped the difficult years of parenting onto OP (and didn’t help much at all from what she says) and of course NOW wants to switch roles and play “house dad” now that the kids are pretty much self sufficient and there isn’t much active parenting to do. I mean….seriously? LOL. Don’t get me wrong- it is great that he can now WFH and be more present. But pressuring OP to find a better paying job with longer hours that she isn’t interested in right now (sounds like they don’t need the $ but he would just LIKE more) is lame. If he wanted that, perhaps he should’ve helped more when the kids were young so she didn’t feel she needed to mommy track.

OP DID NOT WANT HIM TO PARENT IN THE BEGINNING. She doesn't want him to parent now either, apparently. But acting like the dad just peaced out in the early years against OP's wishes is disingenuous.

And where did OP say he is pressuring her to find a better paying job with longer hours?

Stated right in her original post

It doesn’t say longer hours. But she has a flexible job so she may need to take a less flexible job to get more money. Why do someone people think they are exempt from sweating a little to increase the family finances. I’m a woman, by the way. And I am puzzled that it’s inappropriate to ask her to work in a way that earns more money now that the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

You make no sense. It doesn’t sound like me makes less money now, and is able to do it working less. Great! What’s your problem? You were OK when he was working long hours.

Your kids are older, they don’t need a lot of care at this age.

Don’t go back to work, though. Continue to do your normal stuff you’ve been doing for 15 years and be glad your DH doesn’t have to work so hard any more.

So as long as the man makes enough money that's all he needs to do. Did you see OP's post where she said he sleeps in, stays up late, works out and is done with work by 4?

Did you also miss where he is telling her to work more and make more money?

Yes, I saw that. I don’t see a problem and I’m a working wife. Her kids are well old enough to get themselves off to school, why would he need to get up early? Her job is talking care of family and house, she should continue doing that or get a paying one.

OP here - You are missing a major piece here - I have been working while raising the kids. I've sacrificed comp for flexibility for the past 15 yrs. He's telling me he can pick up the house duties and kid shuttling now, so I should get a different job with a higher income.

My point is this is - not who I married, income level aside, I never would have chosen a "Mr Mom" to spend my life with. To each their own but this is how I feel.

Got it. You just wanted a sperm donor and a paycheck.

Are you missing the fact that OP has worked FT throughout the marriage?! She said nothing about being a SAHM. What about women who work in lower paid fields (teachers, for example)? Are they all just looking for sperm donors too?

I wouldn’t have any interest in being married to a “Mr. Mom” type either. Most women don’t.

If you don’t have the potential to earn a lot of money, then I can see why you need to find a provider rather than a husband who wants to be a real dad to his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

You make no sense. It doesn’t sound like me makes less money now, and is able to do it working less. Great! What’s your problem? You were OK when he was working long hours.

Your kids are older, they don’t need a lot of care at this age.

Don’t go back to work, though. Continue to do your normal stuff you’ve been doing for 15 years and be glad your DH doesn’t have to work so hard any more.

So as long as the man makes enough money that's all he needs to do. Did you see OP's post where she said he sleeps in, stays up late, works out and is done with work by 4?

Did you also miss where he is telling her to work more and make more money?

Yes, I saw that. I don’t see a problem and I’m a working wife. Her kids are well old enough to get themselves off to school, why would he need to get up early? Her job is talking care of family and house, she should continue doing that or get a paying one.

OP here - You are missing a major piece here - I have been working while raising the kids. I've sacrificed comp for flexibility for the past 15 yrs. He's telling me he can pick up the house duties and kid shuttling now, so I should get a different job with a higher income.

My point is this is - not who I married, income level aside, I never would have chosen a "Mr Mom" to spend my life with. To each their own but this is how I feel.

Got it. You just wanted a sperm donor and a paycheck.

Are you missing the fact that OP has worked FT throughout the marriage?! She said nothing about being a SAHM. What about women who work in lower paid fields (teachers, for example)? Are they all just looking for sperm donors too?

I wouldn’t have any interest in being married to a “Mr. Mom” type either. Most women don’t.

If you don’t have the potential to earn a lot of money, then I can see why you need to find a provider rather than a husband who wants to be a real dad to his kids.

I have lots of friends who are teachers and don’t earn a lot of $- are their DH’s not “real dads”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

You make no sense. It doesn’t sound like me makes less money now, and is able to do it working less. Great! What’s your problem? You were OK when he was working long hours.

Your kids are older, they don’t need a lot of care at this age.

Don’t go back to work, though. Continue to do your normal stuff you’ve been doing for 15 years and be glad your DH doesn’t have to work so hard any more.

So as long as the man makes enough money that's all he needs to do. Did you see OP's post where she said he sleeps in, stays up late, works out and is done with work by 4?

Did you also miss where he is telling her to work more and make more money?

Yes, I saw that. I don’t see a problem and I’m a working wife. Her kids are well old enough to get themselves off to school, why would he need to get up early? Her job is talking care of family and house, she should continue doing that or get a paying one.

OP here - You are missing a major piece here - I have been working while raising the kids. I've sacrificed comp for flexibility for the past 15 yrs. He's telling me he can pick up the house duties and kid shuttling now, so I should get a different job with a higher income.

My point is this is - not who I married, income level aside, I never would have chosen a "Mr Mom" to spend my life with. To each their own but this is how I feel.

Got it. You just wanted a sperm donor and a paycheck.

Are you missing the fact that OP has worked FT throughout the marriage?! She said nothing about being a SAHM. What about women who work in lower paid fields (teachers, for example)? Are they all just looking for sperm donors too?

I wouldn’t have any interest in being married to a “Mr. Mom” type either. Most women don’t.

If you don’t have the potential to earn a lot of money, then I can see why you need to find a provider rather than a husband who wants to be a real dad to his kids.

I have lots of friends who are teachers and don’t earn a lot of $- are their DH’s not “real dads”?

DP but I think you misunderstood pp. She was saying that OPs DH (now) wants to be a "real dad" and be around. The pp she was replying to doesnt want her husband to be an involved father as that's a turn off. She just wants his paycheck, not a father to her children. If your teacher friends feel the same, then I guess maybe I'm the one that misunderstood!

[Anonymous]

So no one is seeing this from OP's point of view? Not OP. But I'm reading that she mommy tracked when the kids were little and required all the work, and H was never around. Now that they're self-sufficient teens, he wants to switch roles and for OP to step up at work. So she gets the short end of the stick in the beginning *and* the end? I'd be resentful too! And before anyone mentions how the H was busting his butt working in the early years, I'm a single mom with sole custody so I've done all the work and all the parenting, and FT work is much less demanding than FT parenting/PT working.

OPs husband wanted it his way then, and now, and she's pissed. I get it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks- this is exactly what a close friend suggested. I guess the other part that bothers me, is I like being the mom and the one that is taking care of the kids/house etc. This has been part of my job for 15 yrs. He's flipping our entire family dynamic without considering everyone else.

I also think if I get a higher-paying (aka more stress) job while he plays Mr Mom, our marriage is doomed because I'm so turned off.

Translation - you want him to be the primary earner, because you don't want the responsibility. He would like you to take a turn being the primary earner, after 15+ years.

Also, you have antiquated views of men and masculinity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So no one is seeing this from OP's point of view? Not OP. But I'm reading that she mommy tracked when the kids were little and required all the work, and H was never around. Now that they're self-sufficient teens, he wants to switch roles and for OP to step up at work. So she gets the short end of the stick in the beginning *and* the end? I'd be resentful too! And before anyone mentions how the H was busting his butt working in the early years, I'm a single mom with sole custody so I've done all the work and all the parenting, and FT work is much less demanding than FT parenting/PT working.

OPs husband wanted it his way then, and now, and she's pissed. I get it!

How did she get the short end of the stick? He worked 70h weeks and never saw his children just to provide for his family. OP had some sort of easy flexible job with lots of time off to care for the children, and had money rolling in from apparently nowhere? Now he's WFH and able to step up more for the kids.

Covid changed the entire workforce and trajectory of careers, he is now able to take advantage of being home more. OP wasn't happy then, and OP isn't happy now. She can't decide what she wants, but it sure as F isnt her DH.