If you "tiger mom'd" your kids, how did they turn out in college (and beyond)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone know what the chua rubenfeld cubs are up to now? Last I checked they seemed to have incredible outcomes. I don’t see how she can regret what she did if it they have done so well.

Chua is a professor at Yale Law and her husband was also a professor at Yale Law (before too many female students accused him of sexual harassment). Their daughter is a lawyer who clerked for Kavanaugh. I fail to see how that is an "incredible outcome" given where she started. Don't parents want their children to do at least as well as they did anymore ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's really such an element of racism to the idea of a tiger mom. The real tiger parents I met are of all races and the ones that really stick out are actually white. Two kids stick out who literally have been pushed and molded by their white parents so hard that they picked out colleges in kindergarten and said they will get in because of (fill in the blank). Their parents will claim their children are just "driven" and they had nothing to do with their child's activities but it's so false. It was always surprising to me how they dictated their child's lives from age 4 or 5 onwards but the people that other parents label tiger moms are the Asian parents who are actually are super relaxed especially compared to those white parents.

Sorry there are lots of data / evidence that it is more common with Asian parents.

https://www.pasadenastarnews.com/2015/06/19/asian-parents-who-stress-academic-success-could-be-hurting-their-children-expert-says/

https://etd.library.emory.edu/concern/etds/vd66w1013?locale=zh

https://liberalarts.utexas.edu/aas/news/the-effects-of-academic-pressure-on-south-asian-children

Nice! Can you find some data on the rate of Black people committing crimes, too?

Idiot.

Maybe. 🙄

Anyway I’d like some data on how black moms keep getting their kids drafted. There are some hard core sports moms out there.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading all kinds of anecdotal stories here about someone who knew someone who knew a tiger mom'd kid who Hopelessly Collapsed in College. I'm not interested in such third-hand gossip here, I want to hear from current or former tiger moms themselves.

You put your kid through everything from Kumon to prestige summer programs and now they're presumably at or graduated from an institution of no little prestige. How did it work out? Do you have any regrets? Advice?

Thanks in advance!

We are Asian and NOT tiger parents. DW wanted to be but I didn't care for it so she gave up on it early on. No kumon, no prep, no tutoring or extra classes, for my kids. DC1 turned out great (think UCLA). Could have done better (think Stanford) had we pushed and 'tiger momd', I suppose. DC2 is heading to a decent school instate. Both are smart kids (1590/1530 in the SAT first sitting without prep). DC1 is the studious kind and also did well academically (GPA). DC2 is not, and ended up with a B+ average.

Every family we know tiger mom'd and all their kids are doing well.. I mean Ivy, top 3 public, med school, etc. Everyone! UVA is the lowest ranked school (other than kids attending guaranteed med programs) and that's for families that can't afford OOS. A couple of those kids had mental health issues and breakdown when younger but even those kids are now well adjusted, polished and are doing well.

I think people that don't tiger mom just don't want to put in the effort for whatever reason--aren't aware it's a thing, don't think it will work, don't have the time, can't afford it, or just plain lazy (this would be me). Most are self-aware and let the tiger moms do their thing while some show up on here and talk down on tiger moms. Do what's best for your kid and your family.

[Anonymous]

I am white and believe that “tiger mom” label is often used as a way to shame Asian parents who raise successful kids.

We have lots of other ways to make parents (mostly moms) feel bad through labels: Helicopter, Snowplow, Free Range etc. Obviously there are over the top parents who are unreasonable in their own way.

As parents particularly mothers, we are never good enough. We are too demanding, not demanding enough, we are overly involved, we are disconnected.

Every family dynamic is unique and I think most parents try their best- but moms are always blamed for failures.

Having high expectations but balancing it with a loving environment is something I think most parents strive towards, some more successfully than others.

[Anonymous]

I was kind of able to tiger mom DC1, but DC2 is high functioning on the spectrum. Good luck trying to get a neurodiverse person to follow your script. Best I could do is follow his lead in his areas of strength. He’s astonishingly smart and clueless at the same time. Wish someone would write a parenting book about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

The classic symptoms of BPD - never taking any responsibility for their failures, blaming people close to them, chronic depression, inability to feel joy, lack of any empathy for others and huge sense of entitlement.
It’s you. You are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

The classic symptoms of BPD - never taking any responsibility for their failures, blaming people close to them, chronic depression, inability to feel joy, lack of any empathy for others and huge sense of entitlement.
It’s you. You are the problem.

wow. that's harsh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

The classic symptoms of BPD - never taking any responsibility for their failures, blaming people close to them, chronic depression, inability to feel joy, lack of any empathy for others and huge sense of entitlement.
It’s you. You are the problem.

This. My DD “self diagnosed” using Dr Google and claimed BPD. We adjusted her meds and got her on the right dosage. And then gently compassionately we told her to get over herself, get going, and get growing. We all have sh*t from our childhoods. The most productive of us learn grow heal and move the f forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

You are an adult. Stop blaming your parents. If they backed off you wouldn't have gotten as far as you did. Get mental health treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

The classic symptoms of BPD - never taking any responsibility for their failures, blaming people close to them, chronic depression, inability to feel joy, lack of any empathy for others and huge sense of entitlement.
It’s you. You are the problem.

This. My DD “self diagnosed” using Dr Google and claimed BPD. We adjusted her meds and got her on the right dosage. And then gently compassionately we told her to get over herself, get going, and get growing. We all have sh*t from our childhoods. The most productive of us learn grow heal and move the f forward.

I'd be loading up an extra lithobid too if you were my parent, oh my god. What I've recognized from tiger parents is the inability to believe your kid has any skill of their own, so you have to have this controlling mentality to get them to where you want them. Some kids come out the batch a little messed up, doesn't mean you need to tell em that they're invalid and need to get over themselves.

You'd think most of you went through WW2 or something with how demeaning your style of parenting is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

You are an adult. Stop blaming your parents. If they backed off you wouldn't have gotten as far as you did. Get mental health treatment.

Many kids are self reliant and motivated without their parents constant push. It's really irresponsible to try to stir your child into one path and push them to the max without giving them any sense of independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was kind of able to tiger mom DC1, but DC2 is high functioning on the spectrum. Good luck trying to get a neurodiverse person to follow your script. Best I could do is follow his lead in his areas of strength. He’s astonishingly smart and clueless at the same time. Wish someone would write a parenting book about that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am white and believe that “tiger mom” label is often used as a way to shame Asian parents who raise successful kids.

We have lots of other ways to make parents (mostly moms) feel bad through labels: Helicopter, Snowplow, Free Range etc. Obviously there are over the top parents who are unreasonable in their own way.

As parents particularly mothers, we are never good enough. We are too demanding, not demanding enough, we are overly involved, we are disconnected.

Every family dynamic is unique and I think most parents try their best- but moms are always blamed for failures.

Having high expectations but balancing it with a loving environment is something I think most parents strive towards, some more successfully than others.

This is what we were striving for in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone know what the chua rubenfeld cubs are up to now? Last I checked they seemed to have incredible outcomes. I don’t see how she can regret what she did if it they have done so well.

Chua is a professor at Yale Law and her husband was also a professor at Yale Law (before too many female students accused him of sexual harassment). Their daughter is a lawyer who clerked for Kavanaugh. I fail to see how that is an "incredible outcome" given where she started. Don't parents want their children to do at least as well as they did anymore ?

I'm not a fan of either of them, but he's still a professor at Yale and that investigation must've been dropped since he was reinstated.