If you "tiger mom'd" your kids, how did they turn out in college (and beyond)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM posters = Tiger parents. All of them all the time.

Not a generalization at all.

Have you not seen posters disagree on this forum?

That means they are not all the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL's sons, two of them, were best friends with a kid who lived across the street. SIL was absolutely vicious about calling the kid's mother a "tiger mom." (And yes, there was an element of racism, SIL is white and the kid's parents are from China.) The kid's parents pushed him very hard academically.

He is now a doctor, finishing up residency. SIL's sons are living in her house, unemployed, playing online video games all night and stealing from her debit card every chance they get. These kids are all mid-30s now.

Shouldn't a doctor be done with residency before their mid-30s? Even a neurosurgeon should be finished around the age of 33.

No. He didn't get in to med school right away and did an anatomy/physiology master's degree between college and med school. Also I should have said he's in training, rather than residency, because he is beyond residency and doing a fellowship now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, kids of my circle's tiger moms seem to be doing well.

I don't doubt it. And when they get married, many of them will choose to spend holidays with their spouse's families who are interested in them as human beings and not just what they can achieve.

Yup! You may think they are happy and don't mind how you raised them. But in reality, many did not enjoy it and appreciate being appreciated for whom they are. There is so much more to a person than their GPA and academic achievements. We care more about what they do with their lives. Are they good, kind, generous people? Do other people want to spend time with them?

Plenty of "normal" parents have kids who won't speak to them or spend holidays with them. Nor does having a good GPA preclude one from doing something with their lives or being a good, kind, generous person that other people want to spend time with. You're thinking in black and white.

Obviously it's not just "black and white". But very few kids just up and not speak to their parents for no real reason. There is always a reason---typically something to do with how parents have treated them up til that point.

It is not okay to push push push your kids without allowing them to develop into overall good humans. There are also plenty of good kids with high GPAs who are genuinely good people---the vast majority of them got there because of self motivation and guidance from parents, NOT pushing pushing pushing from a tiger parent.

I'd prefer my kids learn how to motivate themselves and volunteer because it's a fun and good thing to do, not just because "it's needed for college".
No, we didn't just tell our kids "Cs are okay, just make it thru HS and that's all we expect". Our kids know we expected them to give 110% and work their hardest. But we never sent them to tutoring unless they were actually struggling (and getting a 94% in a class is NOT struggling). We never pushed them to do kumon from age 3+ in hopes they would be advanced in math. Instead we read to them, played with them and encouraged games and activities that built math and critical thinking skills. One kid loved to do math problems, so we gave them that. The other had ADHD and EF issues, and certainly wasn't sitting down to do stupid math problems at age 4.

Know what---the first kid is a math wiz since K. Engineering major in college starting in Calc 3.

other kid ended up a business major, did well in college calc (despite struggling in HS), graduated and landed a great job.

For both kids, the motivation to excel came from them and thru their own hardwork.

You do know that just because you have preconceived judmental notions about everyone and how they should live that they aren't always right? The idea that good grades and good people don't go together is a clear flag to me that you are speaking from some area of insecurity.

The kids getting drunk and doing drugs in high school of which there are a lot and are possibly more "happy" aren't better people and sure they may find more drunks to party with over the years than the dedicated hardworking student but that doesn't make them good. My neighbor was the opposite of a tiger parent - hippie and now one kid lives with her for life and she says she's close to them, the other doesn't talk to anyone in the family, and the other only talks to dad. Typical ending for a family regardless of her belief in having amazing mom skills. She used to tell the school when the kids were failing that it wasnt her job to monitor school. Your type of parent I guess. None of them are successful or married but sure they weren't pushed so that makes them "good" in your book? What exactly makes them super special in your world as being better kinder people than someone who is now a neuro surgeon? What do you have against neuro surgeons? A lot of people that hate disciplined parents come across as overly focused on being anti intellectual or anti society in a way that is just weird for their so called live and let live mentality. Another friend talks about her girls being so motivated on their own and they are both cookie cutter and emaciated. How exactly did they just happen to have the exact same interests as their peers and wear the same outfits while also being so independent as the mom likes to say? What makes them good compared to others for being more focused on being pretty than academic? These families spend inordinate amounts of time focusing on what other people are doing not like them and are basically narcissistic slackers as adults. They are not good and they are not unique. They are just experiencing tall poppy syndrome and coming from a place of insecurity.

You sound quite unsophisticated, in terms of understanding other people.

Kids who do drugs are not happier than others. They are sadder, and that is why they do drugs.

[Anonymous]

I knew a tiger mom who pushed her kids super hard, and one kid attended Harvard and the other attends Duke. Both are quite successful and well adjusted though, so honestly it just depends on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's really such an element of racism to the idea of a tiger mom. The real tiger parents I met are of all races and the ones that really stick out are actually white. Two kids stick out who literally have been pushed and molded by their white parents so hard that they picked out colleges in kindergarten and said they will get in because of (fill in the blank). Their parents will claim their children are just "driven" and they had nothing to do with their child's activities but it's so false. It was always surprising to me how they dictated their child's lives from age 4 or 5 onwards but the people that other parents label tiger moms are the Asian parents who are actually are super relaxed especially compared to those white parents.

Sorry there are lots of data / evidence that it is more common with Asian parents.

https://www.pasadenastarnews.com/2015/06/19/asian-parents-who-stress-academic-success-could-be-hurting-their-children-expert-says/

https://etd.library.emory.edu/concern/etds/vd66w1013?locale=zh

https://liberalarts.utexas.edu/aas/news/the-effects-of-academic-pressure-on-south-asian-children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's really such an element of racism to the idea of a tiger mom. The real tiger parents I met are of all races and the ones that really stick out are actually white. Two kids stick out who literally have been pushed and molded by their white parents so hard that they picked out colleges in kindergarten and said they will get in because of (fill in the blank). Their parents will claim their children are just "driven" and they had nothing to do with their child's activities but it's so false. It was always surprising to me how they dictated their child's lives from age 4 or 5 onwards but the people that other parents label tiger moms are the Asian parents who are actually are super relaxed especially compared to those white parents.

Sorry there are lots of data / evidence that it is more common with Asian parents.

https://www.pasadenastarnews.com/2015/06/19/asian-parents-who-stress-academic-success-could-be-hurting-their-children-expert-says/

https://etd.library.emory.edu/concern/etds/vd66w1013?locale=zh

https://liberalarts.utexas.edu/aas/news/the-effects-of-academic-pressure-on-south-asian-children

Nice! Can you find some data on the rate of Black people committing crimes, too?

Idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's really such an element of racism to the idea of a tiger mom. The real tiger parents I met are of all races and the ones that really stick out are actually white. Two kids stick out who literally have been pushed and molded by their white parents so hard that they picked out colleges in kindergarten and said they will get in because of (fill in the blank). Their parents will claim their children are just "driven" and they had nothing to do with their child's activities but it's so false. It was always surprising to me how they dictated their child's lives from age 4 or 5 onwards but the people that other parents label tiger moms are the Asian parents who are actually are super relaxed especially compared to those white parents.

Sorry there are lots of data / evidence that it is more common with Asian parents.

https://www.pasadenastarnews.com/2015/06/19/asian-parents-who-stress-academic-success-could-be-hurting-their-children-expert-says/

https://etd.library.emory.edu/concern/etds/vd66w1013?locale=zh

https://liberalarts.utexas.edu/aas/news/the-effects-of-academic-pressure-on-south-asian-children

Nice! Can you find some data on the rate of Black people committing crimes, too?

Idiot.

Actually, there is a lot of scholarship on the roots of this pattern.

I have actually READ IT. After I got my PhD.

So, I am far from an idiot. But the quality of your response to my evidence (and if I had time to kill, I could find HUNDREDS of thoughtful, peer reviewed articles) tells me that would be a waste of time. You operate from a much lower echelon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I admired the tiger moms to a certain extent. It has to be in their DNA. Kids wear you down and tune you out. I just don't have it in me to be so pushy. I can't even get the kids to do the dishes or keep their rooms clean.

My kids knew we expected them to do their best in whatever course they took. Other than that we didn't micromanage. TG they were self-motivated. Both going to T10s including H.

First para: same!

Last two sentences of second para: not so much!

[Anonymous]

A couple of the kids I knew were tortured souls.

One nearly had a nervous breakdown about making a normal childhood mistake, out of fear for having to go home and tell her parents.

The other was not allowed to wear pants (to a public high school in Bethesda), nor could she sleep over any friend's house, even in middle school or high school. And they told her that she had BETTER score higher on the SAT than any of her peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of the kids I knew were tortured souls.

One nearly had a nervous breakdown about making a normal childhood mistake, out of fear for having to go home and tell her parents.

The other was not allowed to wear pants (to a public high school in Bethesda), nor could she sleep over any friend's house, even in middle school or high school. And they told her that she had BETTER score higher on the SAT than any of her peers.

Recalling more details. And these girls kind of had no voice. It was so sad.

If you asked them what kind of restaurant they wanted to go to, they were meek and would not say. Like they had lost their identity/personality, i service to the parental decision.

[Anonymous]

One went to Harvard and one Yale.

Both are in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We tigered on piano lessons but we’re normal on other subjects

DC now 20 yo plays beautifully-and can actually create/compose and improvise - and now takes lessons by choice - seeking out maestros to study with

Academics are lackluster unfortunately. We’re hoping for a lucrative trade so they can support themselves eventually.

Is it a fail? Nope. Seems fairly normal for the age. Which is nice.

Tiger parent fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We tigered on piano lessons but we’re normal on other subjects

DC now 20 yo plays beautifully-and can actually create/compose and improvise - and now takes lessons by choice - seeking out maestros to study with

Academics are lackluster unfortunately. We’re hoping for a lucrative trade so they can support themselves eventually.

Is it a fail? Nope. Seems fairly normal for the age. Which is nice.

Tiger parent fail.

+1. 🐯

[Anonymous]

This is all great. My kid will be studying to be a (non-classical) musician and it looks like he won’t have much competition because all the other young musicians’ parents will force them to become doctors instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all great. My kid will be studying to be a (non-classical) musician and it looks like he won’t have much competition because all the other young musicians’ parents will force them to become doctors instead.

Not sure your kid will have it easy either. It’s incredibly competitive to become any kind of an artist. More people than jobs.