Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone assume mental illness? He might just have a strong preference for leisure that his parents have enabled.

Love this phrasing. Strong preference for leisure.

I don’t think people are assuming he does but pointing out it’s an option and one she might not even be aware of - but OP is assuming he doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Your son did nothing wrong.
2. You were right to put a stop to the interrogation. You did nothing wrong.
3. You were right to say what you did to your parents. You did nothing wrong.

Most people like your brother have undiagnosed, untreated, mental health disorders. They are too old to change much, unfortunately. The most common disorder is autism, which comes with all sorts of executive function issues, mental rigidity, social anxiety and OCD. Usually it's one of the latter symptoms that people see. ADHD and anxiety can be medicated, but autism needs to be addressed behaviorally from a young age, because there's no medication and you can only build social skills and life habits, not change the underlying neurodivergence. If your brother is also tired, maybe he has a physical condition, such as sleep apnea. He should consult his doctor, if he can be persuaded to do so.

YOur 7 year old did nothing wrong. Your brother needs to stop being butt hurt about what a 7 year old says, and maybe actually listen to the 7 yr old. Kids will call it as they see it. Hmmmm, my parents are adults and they work, why doesnt my uncle? It's not that hard.

If the brother has mental health issues, your parents aren't doing any favors to him by not stepping in and doing something about it. All they are doing is perpetuating the fragility and when your parents are gone, guess who will be expected to fix it? You. And noone is going to have the capacity to hear "i told you so" from you, even though you are right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a 42 year old man can’t call his sister to complain about what her kid said, that’s on him. Putting his parents up to making the call is not okay.

OP, I would have responded to you parents with this: “If Bob was offended by what Larlo or anyone in this family said, he’s welcome to call me to discuss it. This is not your business, and I’m not discussing it with you anymore.”

It’s possible he complained to his parents but never asked them to try to force an apology. Parents could have done this even without brother realizing they were running interference.

Sure, that’s possible. Whether or not he put them up to it or the enabling parents decided on their own that they needed to intervene, the offered response to tell the parents that the brother can contact her directly is the right response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Your son did nothing wrong.
2. You were right to put a stop to the interrogation. You did nothing wrong.
3. You were right to say what you did to your parents. You did nothing wrong.

Most people like your brother have undiagnosed, untreated, mental health disorders. They are too old to change much, unfortunately. The most common disorder is autism, which comes with all sorts of executive function issues, mental rigidity, social anxiety and OCD. Usually it's one of the latter symptoms that people see. ADHD and anxiety can be medicated, but autism needs to be addressed behaviorally from a young age, because there's no medication and you can only build social skills and life habits, not change the underlying neurodivergence. If your brother is also tired, maybe he has a physical condition, such as sleep apnea. He should consult his doctor, if he can be persuaded to do so.

YOur 7 year old did nothing wrong. Your brother needs to stop being butt hurt about what a 7 year old says, and maybe actually listen to the 7 yr old. Kids will call it as they see it. Hmmmm, my parents are adults and they work, why doesnt my uncle? It's not that hard.

If the brother has mental health issues, your parents aren't doing any favors to him by not stepping in and doing something about it. All they are doing is perpetuating the fragility and when your parents are gone, guess who will be expected to fix it? You. And noone is going to have the capacity to hear "i told you so" from you, even though you are right

OP, and you, have no idea what their dynamic is or what they are doing to help their son. Yes, some parents are enabling and allow adult children to mooch off them. Others are working privately to encourage therapy or medication (potentially meeting resistance, so a work in progress) or gaining government assistance etc etc. The issue here is that OP is completely disconnected from her brother by her own admission so she doesn’t really know. All she knows is that he gets financial assistance from her parents and doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Often people like this are mentally ill AND they have dysfunctional, overprotective parents. Their parents watch them struggle so much growing up or in young adulthood and they don’t know what to do or how to help, and they usually end up enabling or making the child feel even more helpless. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own family and it is frustrating and a little heartbreaking. 💔

Just be the bigger person Op and try to have some compassion.

[Anonymous]

It’s always hard to give advice without both sides. I can understand the frustration if you feel he is freeloading off your parents. It’s hard to see your parents supporting him when you have always been independent. But as a parent myself, i don’t do things equally because my kids needs are so different. Sometimes fair is not equal. He sounds like he has a disability and needs support. In many families these things are swept under the rug. Perhaps your parents know more than they let on to you. Or maybe even they don’t have a diagnosis because 20-30 years ago it was far less likely for kids to get extensive testing and far less was understood about autism.

It’s good you cut off the questioning quickly. It could be that he is very self-conscious and sensitive. Yet, I do find it unusual that your 7 year old questioned him once it was clear he wasn’t working, unless he had picked up on things he heard other adults say. My kids, even at that age, didn’t care what people did for work. They were aware that not every adult in our circle or the community had a job and it could be for many different reasons. Even as teens, they had an older cousin who couldn’t hold down a job and lived at home and never once did I hear them question him as to why. He was just their cousin.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it, We have these dynamics. i get it and I agree with the person who said "don't get in the sandbox."

In a health family, you deal with someone having a disability by getting the person diagnosed and getting the person help. You don't pretend there isn't an issue and get annoyed when it rears it's ugly head.

My mother enables my sister like crazy and pays for things and she was actually the favorite. They used to brag about how brilliant she was and normalize her mild paranoia, her revenge fantasies against anyone she though was a threat, her mood instability, etc.

Now that the mental health issues have made her unemployed, struggling to have friends and never able to maintain a stable romantic relationship there is a whole victim narrative created and anyone who won't play along is bad. My mother coddles her and then tries to dump her on me, my husband and kids and I refuse to play along. She needs help. The rare time she has been in therapy and medicated I can have a relationship with her, but my mom goes along with her delusion that she is fine and everything is the world's fault. So now my mother isn't speaking to me, because she cannot dump my sister on me and my family. She no longer has the patience to coddle and she just refuses to accept she has a daughter with serious mental health issues who only can function well if she is in treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the seven year old ask other kids moms why they don’t work? I find this so hard to believe.

You don't think 7YOs are curious about how other families do things? My kids weren't judgy about family differences (except to the extent that other families were more fun than ours), but they absolutely wanted to know why someone had two mommies or only a daddy or went to Florida on vacation or didn't have siblings. And kids in search of information can be relentless.

Have you seriously never had to pull a "We'll talk about it later" with your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Often people like this are mentally ill AND they have dysfunctional, overprotective parents. Their parents watch them struggle so much growing up or in young adulthood and they don’t know what to do or how to help, and they usually end up enabling or making the child feel even more helpless. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own family and it is frustrating and a little heartbreaking. 💔

Just be the bigger person Op and try to have some compassion.

She can have sone compassion while strongly encouraging them to get brother fully employed, out of the house and into an affordable studio apartment before their health starts failing. He absolutely has to do this or get rush board for depression or some other issue and go on disability. Otherwise, OP should NOT support him. Most likely he will end up inheriting the parent's’ house after they die, staying there, falling behind on the taxes even with the trust fund they leave him and living in squalor. OP, if you’re comfortable with things heading this way, mayor sure you’re not involved in any way legally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often people like this are mentally ill AND they have dysfunctional, overprotective parents. Their parents watch them struggle so much growing up or in young adulthood and they don’t know what to do or how to help, and they usually end up enabling or making the child feel even more helpless. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own family and it is frustrating and a little heartbreaking. 💔

Just be the bigger person Op and try to have some compassion.

She can have sone compassion while strongly encouraging them to get brother fully employed, out of the house and into an affordable studio apartment before their health starts failing. He absolutely has to do this or get rush board for depression or some other issue and go on disability. Otherwise, OP should NOT support him. Most likely he will end up inheriting the parent's’ house after they die, staying there, falling behind on the taxes even with the trust fund they leave him and living in squalor. OP, if you’re comfortable with things heading this way, mayor sure you’re not involved in any way legally.

*correct - he has to do this or get diagnosed with depression, I meant…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the seven year old ask other kids moms why they don’t work? I find this so hard to believe.

Most 7 yos know the difference between a married parent who stays home to take care of kids and a 42 man who lives with his parents who doesn’t work.

This.

If a seven-year-old holds enough power over you to make you feel bad about yourself, that's a personal problem.

Well, obviously there are some issues at play. And letting a 7 yr old harass his uncle who clearly has some undisclosed issue is pretty gross. For now he's the parents problem. OP needs to butt out and remind her kid to be kind. Until it becomes her problem it's none of her business. And she needs to stop talking shit about it to a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the seven year old ask other kids moms why they don’t work? I find this so hard to believe.

You don't think 7YOs are curious about how other families do things? My kids weren't judgy about family differences (except to the extent that other families were more fun than ours), but they absolutely wanted to know why someone had two mommies or only a daddy or went to Florida on vacation or didn't have siblings. And kids in search of information can be relentless.

Have you seriously never had to pull a "We'll talk about it later" with your kids?

This. My kids would definitely have asked. it's being mean. They were curious about everything. Also, at that age they have little career days so they wonder about different types of jobs people do. If Ops brother were employed as say a trashman, he would have been a hero to my son and he would then go brag to his all his friends about his uncle's job and the truck he drives or rides on. My kids consider being a SAHM or SAHD a job, so that they would have been fine with that answer. They would have been confused by am adult who is not retirement age who has no kids, no spouse and doesn't work, and they would ask and we should shut it down. It's much easier when the family doesn't have shame about disability and you know the person is getting help. Then you just explain to your kids and you talk about the importance of getting help for our struggles. it's when there is secrecy and family myths "Uncle Fred is totally fine and has no issues. He just lives with his parents, does nothing all day, doesn't get help, but nothing to see here, he is totally fine."

[Anonymous]

Sorry, it's not being mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the seven year old ask other kids moms why they don’t work? I find this so hard to believe.

You don't think 7YOs are curious about how other families do things? My kids weren't judgy about family differences (except to the extent that other families were more fun than ours), but they absolutely wanted to know why someone had two mommies or only a daddy or went to Florida on vacation or didn't have siblings. And kids in search of information can be relentless.

Have you seriously never had to pull a "We'll talk about it later" with your kids?

Not most 7 year olds. This kid is in 1st grade. An older kid might be much more aware, curious, and rigid in thinking. But 7 yr olds are much more accepting and haven't really learned how most people do things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often people like this are mentally ill AND they have dysfunctional, overprotective parents. Their parents watch them struggle so much growing up or in young adulthood and they don’t know what to do or how to help, and they usually end up enabling or making the child feel even more helpless. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own family and it is frustrating and a little heartbreaking. 💔

Just be the bigger person Op and try to have some compassion.

She can have sone compassion while strongly encouraging them to get brother fully employed, out of the house and into an affordable studio apartment before their health starts failing. He absolutely has to do this or get rush board for depression or some other issue and go on disability. Otherwise, OP should NOT support him. Most likely he will end up inheriting the parent's’ house after they die, staying there, falling behind on the taxes even with the trust fund they leave him and living in squalor. OP, if you’re comfortable with things heading this way, mayor sure you’re not involved in any way legally.

There is no "has to" with an adult who won't cooperate and doesn't want to. You can't even force them to go therapy, take medication, or "just get a job". Some of you clearly have no experience with this.