Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle

[Anonymous]

I was a kid like this and my parents were busy and it was a case of benign neglect. I asked them to send me to boarding school because I wanted more challenge at school than I was getting. They didn't take it seriously. I wanted more attention and someone to talk to. I was consumed with my social life and in high school, by socual life and dating. I quit the sport I was good at. I had no plans or goals. My parents could have made a huge difference if they had talked to me and spent time with me and if they had given me rules and limits. I wanted them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a kid like this and my parents were busy and it was a case of benign neglect. I asked them to send me to boarding school because I wanted more challenge at school than I was getting. They didn't take it seriously. I wanted more attention and someone to talk to. I was consumed with my social life and in high school, by socual life and dating. I quit the sport I was good at. I had no plans or goals. My parents could have made a huge difference if they had talked to me and spent time with me and if they had given me rules and limits. I wanted them.

+1. But some on here are dismissing the parents responsibility which is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if OP is still reading. I wouldn’t be. But just in case, I’m going to respond. If it were me, I’d take a look at my family life and figure out what I could do to get there t back on track. I don’t think you can punish into change - all that does is kick the can down the road unless you make changes in your family life. That’s why so many juvenile delinquent programs fail - no underlying change.

Personally id start by closer monitoring. Ban any apps with disappearing messages. Review phone daily. Educate yourself so you can spot secret accounts. Get to know all families who your daughter socializes with. Become the house of choice so you’re the supervising parent.

I’d also be developing interests. Classes for a hobby, maybe even a joint one. School clubs and sports. Church youth group - your kids can go even if you don’t go to the church. Family dinners out and family movie and game night. Weekends away.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?

I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.

This. Op, I think people are being very harsh. They probably have no clue that their daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school. Middle school seems a little early, but this is quite common weekend behavior in high school and lots of parents condone it and even supply the alcohol.

Are you really this obtuse? I mean this wholeheartedly when I ask.

Are you really that naive?

You’re naive to think that “daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school” just because you think people are harsh.

I think this is not uncommon teenager behavior. Were you a teenager?

So, we should all do it. All teens girls should be encouraged to ho. That’s the advice. The OP should let it go because it’s not uncommon teenage behavior.
No, I was never a teenager.
I underestimated your stupidity.

Can you quote what poster said to let it go and do nothing?

Coming from someone whose advice is “well other teen girls are hoing, so…”
Okay!

That was not me. Can you not follow a conversation? You clearly have me confused with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

You haven't failed as a parent. Parenting is hard. Focus forward.

I think it is very powerful for a kid to hear that you feel you have made mistakes and talk about how both of you are going to make changes. Follow through. I also think your daughter could benefit from therapy. It is really hard to be the sibling of a child with special needs, and we all too often overlook this reality. You are all a part of a family unit, but you are also all individuals. Nurture both of those realities. Talk about your family values, and do things for her as an individual. Help her find something to get involved in to fill her time (a sport, dance, music, theater, art, a hobby, writing, anything). Support her efforts. Be there. Volunteer somewhere together every month or every weekend. Discover something she likes and enjoy it with her -- a music style, a game, whatever.

If it’s not a fail, then why are you suggesting ways to fix it?

Why are you choosing to judge instead of help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move the child with another family. It is obvious the parents don’t know what the hell they are doing and cannot correct this.
The parents would have to do a complete turnaround and they will not be able to. It’s too far gone. Move the child.

Who are these trolls are are being so disgusting on this thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?

I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.

This. Op, I think people are being very harsh. They probably have no clue that their daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school. Middle school seems a little early, but this is quite common weekend behavior in high school and lots of parents condone it and even supply the alcohol.

Are you really this obtuse? I mean this wholeheartedly when I ask.

Are you really that naive?

You’re naive to think that “daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school” just because you think people are harsh.

I think this is not uncommon teenager behavior. Were you a teenager?

So, we should all do it. All teens girls should be encouraged to ho. That’s the advice. The OP should let it go because it’s not uncommon teenage behavior.
No, I was never a teenager.
I underestimated your stupidity.

Can you quote what poster said to let it go and do nothing?

Coming from someone whose advice is “well other teen girls are hoing, so…”
Okay!

That was not me. Can you not follow a conversation? You clearly have me confused with someone else.

You clearly cannot understand context and brought yourself into it. You know that you were condoning/agreeing with the poster who made the comment hoing comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move the child with another family. It is obvious the parents don’t know what the hell they are doing and cannot correct this.
The parents would have to do a complete turnaround and they will not be able to. It’s too far gone. Move the child.

Who are these trolls are are being so disgusting on this thread?

The ones who disagree with how the child is being neglected? Rather be a troll than a failure of a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move the child with another family. It is obvious the parents don’t know what the hell they are doing and cannot correct this.
The parents would have to do a complete turnaround and they will not be able to. It’s too far gone. Move the child.

Who are these trolls are are being so disgusting on this thread?

I don’t know, tell us then who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a kid like this and my parents were busy and it was a case of benign neglect. I asked them to send me to boarding school because I wanted more challenge at school than I was getting. They didn't take it seriously. I wanted more attention and someone to talk to. I was consumed with my social life and in high school, by socual life and dating. I quit the sport I was good at. I had no plans or goals. My parents could have made a huge difference if they had talked to me and spent time with me and if they had given me rules and limits. I wanted them.

+1. But some on here are dismissing the parents responsibility which is nuts.

I don't see that on this thread. I see some people offering empathy and ideas and some people just being mean and "holier than thou."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a kid like this and my parents were busy and it was a case of benign neglect. I asked them to send me to boarding school because I wanted more challenge at school than I was getting. They didn't take it seriously. I wanted more attention and someone to talk to. I was consumed with my social life and in high school, by socual life and dating. I quit the sport I was good at. I had no plans or goals. My parents could have made a huge difference if they had talked to me and spent time with me and if they had given me rules and limits. I wanted them.

+1. But some on here are dismissing the parents responsibility which is nuts.

I don't see that on this thread. I see some people offering empathy and ideas and some people just being mean and "holier than thou."

People interpret direct and honesty as “mean.”
So ridiculous and not helpful. You are actually mean in caring more about yourself
for wanting to be perceived as nice rather than what the family needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a kid like this and my parents were busy and it was a case of benign neglect. I asked them to send me to boarding school because I wanted more challenge at school than I was getting. They didn't take it seriously. I wanted more attention and someone to talk to. I was consumed with my social life and in high school, by socual life and dating. I quit the sport I was good at. I had no plans or goals. My parents could have made a huge difference if they had talked to me and spent time with me and if they had given me rules and limits. I wanted them.

+1. But some on here are dismissing the parents responsibility which is nuts.

I don't see that on this thread. I see some people offering empathy and ideas and some people just being mean and "holier than thou."

It’s not holier than thou to not neglect one’s child which is what op is doing and admitted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who was once a 13 year old drinking at sleepovers and sneaking out to meet boys, I can tell you that more discipline is not the answer. You daughter’s behavior is a cry for help, not a cry to be punished.

In my case, I got moved around a lot and my parents were dealing with a lot of their own issues. I was trying so hard to fit in somewhere and seeking some sort of approval from my peers. They didn’t keep me in any sort of continuous activity because of moving around.

Yes there should be consequences, but I also think you need to do something to bond with her and help her build up her value and self esteem. Also extracurriculars, especially a physical activity is a good idea.

The best advice on this whole thread.

I agree with this. Take away some privelages and work on building the relationship. 13 is tough. She likely needs empathy, validation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

So, parenting is not influential on kids? We can just throw that out the window. No need to parent, it’s a myth.
Okay, you!

Having the attitude it won’t happen to me is just foolish (among other words). Some kids, who have very present parents and lots of support, are going to push every single boundary. A kid who doesn’t doesn’t necessarily mean their parents were amazing. It often is just that kid’s personality.

A parent who is not present would do nothing. Did I say do nothing? FFS. Can you read?

It certainly will happen more with the way op is not parenting. No one said it won’t happen. Environments are influential.
You are essentially saying to throw parenting out the window.

Again, if you’re replying to my original post to OP, I gave at least 3 immediate things to do: ban all sleepovers, regularly check phone and have all passwords and discuss birth control/consent/sex awareness.

Did I say stop parenting? Again can you actually read? I can’t stand DCUM posters like you.

No one cares who you can stand and who you can’t stand.

Charming

The irony.

Ah, I knew that was you. You've been squatting on quite a few forums, haven't you. So fun to hear you rant. I'm pretty sure your life is an absolute mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?

I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.

This. Op, I think people are being very harsh. They probably have no clue that their daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school. Middle school seems a little early, but this is quite common weekend behavior in high school and lots of parents condone it and even supply the alcohol.

Are you really this obtuse? I mean this wholeheartedly when I ask.

Are you really that naive?

You’re naive to think that “daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school” just because you think people are harsh.

I think this is not uncommon teenager behavior. Were you a teenager?

So, we should all do it. All teens girls should be encouraged to ho. That’s the advice. The OP should let it go because it’s not uncommon teenage behavior.
No, I was never a teenager.
I underestimated your stupidity.

Can you quote what poster said to let it go and do nothing?

Coming from someone whose advice is “well other teen girls are hoing, so…”
Okay!

That was not me. Can you not follow a conversation? You clearly have me confused with someone else.

You clearly cannot understand context and brought yourself into it. You know that you were condoning/agreeing with the poster who made the comment hoing comment.

Sir, this is a Wendy’s.