Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?

I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.

This. Op, I think people are being very harsh. They probably have no clue that their daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school. Middle school seems a little early, but this is quite common weekend behavior in high school and lots of parents condone it and even supply the alcohol.

Are you really this obtuse? I mean this wholeheartedly when I ask.

Are you really that naive?

You’re naive to think that “daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school” just because you think people are harsh.

I think this is not uncommon teenager behavior. Were you a teenager?

And lots don’t.

Yes, but op’s daughter is. So, that ship has dialed.

Yes, but whoever posted that many do ignore that many don’t. Seemingly a way to suggest that it’s okay.

[Anonymous]

Lots of dramatic parents here. This was actually the norm in my FCPS school in the 90s, and what worked to get me in line was:
Parents banned sleepovers and most friend/social hangouts
They put me in tons of extracurriculars, I really didn’t have time for much else
Most importantly, they started to pay more attention to me. Looking back, im sure they were exhausted and had other (even more rebellious) kids to focus on, but having constant attention made a world of difference.

Best of luck OP. You can do this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of dramatic parents here. This was actually the norm in my FCPS school in the 90s, and what worked to get me in line was:
Parents banned sleepovers and most friend/social hangouts
They put me in tons of extracurriculars, I really didn’t have time for much else
Most importantly, they started to pay more attention to me. Looking back, im sure they were exhausted and had other (even more rebellious) kids to focus on, but having constant attention made a world of difference.

Best of luck OP. You can do this!

Yeah! What’s so dramatic about a sexually active, alcohol drinking, 13 year old? Leave her be! Fcps was doing this in the 90s.

[Anonymous]

Definitely parents fault. You have not been paying any attention to your child, OP.
Your job now is to do whatever necessary to get her on track. No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This kid would benefit from a good boarding school. Clearly, you are not on track yourself.

Drug and alcohol use is rampant in boarding schools, naive Nancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of dramatic parents here. This was actually the norm in my FCPS school in the 90s, and what worked to get me in line was:
Parents banned sleepovers and most friend/social hangouts
They put me in tons of extracurriculars, I really didn’t have time for much else
Most importantly, they started to pay more attention to me. Looking back, im sure they were exhausted and had other (even more rebellious) kids to focus on, but having constant attention made a world of difference.

Best of luck OP. You can do this!

The only dramatic one is you with calling others dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kid would benefit from a good boarding school. Clearly, you are not on track yourself.

Drug and alcohol use is rampant in boarding schools, naive Nancy.

So do nothing then, stupid Stephanie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kid would benefit from a good boarding school. Clearly, you are not on track yourself.

Drug and alcohol use is rampant in boarding schools, naive Nancy.

Np boarding school is also very expensive and what if you don't get in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kid would benefit from a good boarding school. Clearly, you are not on track yourself.

Drug and alcohol use is rampant in boarding schools, naive Nancy.

Um, she is already doing the alcohol along with sneaking out and sex.
What do you suggest then with absent parents?
The juvenile name thing calling only serves to put yourself down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kid would benefit from a good boarding school. Clearly, you are not on track yourself.

Drug and alcohol use is rampant in boarding schools, naive Nancy.

Np boarding school is also very expensive and what if you don't get in?

The point is the child needs a place that will take care of her and it isn’t at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No phone or limited to calls and texts with you. No hanging with friends for now. No screen time beyond schoolwork.

The “disciplinary” measures may just need to be those and lots of genuine, loving attention from you — and her other parent, if present. I understand that will be hard considering your SN child. But you will have to find a way. Play board games. Visit the library. Go out to dinner and a movie. Go for hikes and walks. Bowling. Dave & Busters, even. Busy busy busy with wholesome family activity. It’s hard, I know, but your kid is worth it.

There are 13-yr-olds like this at my kids’ school. I know some of the parents and some of these kids. The parents are not absent parents, but they are busy, working parents probably like most of us here. Some kids will just be drawn to these types of activities, no matter the parenting style.

I agree with this. It may mean finding someone to come in for one day per week for the SN child. In the mean time no phone and zero contact with this group socially. Bed checks every night. Alarm on her window.

Also, counselling. Even a few sessions to get her talking.

She's young, OP. This can be turned around.

The 13 years old needs to be taken care of every day. Not just the one day you suggest the gets sn child help with someone else.
It can only turn around if op makes a 180 in her parenting, which is doubtful.

Well no kidding. However, this gives the parents that time scheduled to spend with their dd without needing to also tend to their older daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

So, parenting is not influential on kids? We can just throw that out the window. No need to parent, it’s a myth.
Okay, you!

Having the attitude it won’t happen to me is just foolish (among other words). Some kids, who have very present parents and lots of support, are going to push every single boundary. A kid who doesn’t doesn’t necessarily mean their parents were amazing. It often is just that kid’s personality.

A parent who is not present would do nothing. Did I say do nothing? FFS. Can you read?

It certainly will happen more with the way op is not parenting. No one said it won’t happen. Environments are influential.
You are essentially saying to throw parenting out the window.

Again, if you’re replying to my original post to OP, I gave at least 3 immediate things to do: ban all sleepovers, regularly check phone and have all passwords and discuss birth control/consent/sex awareness.

Did I say stop parenting? Again can you actually read? I can’t stand DCUM posters like you.

No one cares who you can stand and who you can’t stand.

Charming

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

So, parenting is not influential on kids? We can just throw that out the window. No need to parent, it’s a myth.
Okay, you!

Having the attitude it won’t happen to me is just foolish (among other words). Some kids, who have very present parents and lots of support, are going to push every single boundary. A kid who doesn’t doesn’t necessarily mean their parents were amazing. It often is just that kid’s personality.

A parent who is not present would do nothing. Did I say do nothing? FFS. Can you read?

It certainly will happen more with the way op is not parenting. No one said it won’t happen. Environments are influential.
You are essentially saying to throw parenting out the window.

Again, if you’re replying to my original post to OP, I gave at least 3 immediate things to do: ban all sleepovers, regularly check phone and have all passwords and discuss birth control/consent/sex awareness.

Did I say stop parenting? Again can you actually read? I can’t stand DCUM posters like you.

No one cares who you can stand and who you can’t stand.

Charming

Yes, you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

So, parenting is not influential on kids? We can just throw that out the window. No need to parent, it’s a myth.
Okay, you!

Having the attitude it won’t happen to me is just foolish (among other words). Some kids, who have very present parents and lots of support, are going to push every single boundary. A kid who doesn’t doesn’t necessarily mean their parents were amazing. It often is just that kid’s personality.

A parent who is not present would do nothing. Did I say do nothing? FFS. Can you read?

It certainly will happen more with the way op is not parenting. No one said it won’t happen. Environments are influential.
You are essentially saying to throw parenting out the window.

Again, if you’re replying to my original post to OP, I gave at least 3 immediate things to do: ban all sleepovers, regularly check phone and have all passwords and discuss birth control/consent/sex awareness.

Did I say stop parenting? Again can you actually read? I can’t stand DCUM posters like you.

No one cares who you can stand and who you can’t stand.

Charming

The irony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No phone or limited to calls and texts with you. No hanging with friends for now. No screen time beyond schoolwork.

The “disciplinary” measures may just need to be those and lots of genuine, loving attention from you — and her other parent, if present. I understand that will be hard considering your SN child. But you will have to find a way. Play board games. Visit the library. Go out to dinner and a movie. Go for hikes and walks. Bowling. Dave & Busters, even. Busy busy busy with wholesome family activity. It’s hard, I know, but your kid is worth it.

There are 13-yr-olds like this at my kids’ school. I know some of the parents and some of these kids. The parents are not absent parents, but they are busy, working parents probably like most of us here. Some kids will just be drawn to these types of activities, no matter the parenting style.

I agree with this. It may mean finding someone to come in for one day per week for the SN child. In the mean time no phone and zero contact with this group socially. Bed checks every night. Alarm on her window.

Also, counselling. Even a few sessions to get her talking.

She's young, OP. This can be turned around.

The 13 years old needs to be taken care of every day. Not just the one day you suggest the gets sn child help with someone else.
It can only turn around if op makes a 180 in her parenting, which is doubtful.

Well no kidding. However, this gives the parents that time scheduled to spend with their dd without needing to also tend to their older daughter.

So, not a good or adequate solution.