Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

And you are without fault?

So many frickin glass houses you people are living in. Karma is a beeeeyatch. Watch out ladies.

Not without fault but damn, why are you willing to excuse lax parenting? I’m not telling all parents they’re doing a great job. Some aren’t. And the kids are the ones who pay.

No one is excusing anything. You don't have to kick someone while they are down. OP came here looking for advice. Just give it without the extra kicks and face punching.

People, learn empathy. Empathy is not excusing. Empathy is what is missing from this world.

[Anonymous]

OP - not sure if you are still reading this thread, but I wouldn't blame you if you weren't, based on the comments.

When I was 11 years old, my group of girlfriends would sneak out, smoke cigarettes, egg cars, steal from stores etc. My mom had no clue, probably because these activities at 11 years old wouldn't have even crossed her mind.

I was always SO grateful that I "rebelled" early because I got it all out of my system before the stakes were higher.

But you gotta figure out if your kid is the ring leader, or just going along with it. I was in the "just going along with it" camp and one day I made the decision that I was done with the "cool" kids. It was hard and I had to find new friends.

Meet your DD where she is right now. Don't get so caught up in punishment that you're not talking to your DD and seeing where she's coming from. This age is HARD. So much pressure to fit in etc.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I also have a 13 year old. We haven’t faced this yet but I feel mine is also running with a bit of a fast crowd in school and I’m not happy about it. Her friends outside of school are not that way so we encourage more time with them, but let’s face it, they spend most time with the kids in school. She is “pressured” to do things I don’t think she’d normally do, and we’ve talked about that, and how pressure will get worse as she gets older. She is easily influenced by others and wants to fit in and be cool.

We are very involved parents, have family dinners, she’s into sports, has limits on her phone, does charity work and attend church regularly, etc. If they wanna hide stuff from you, they can. And they’re all very good liars.

For those of you saying change schools, or public/private is the answer — not always. Mine is currently in a small special needs private and I’m finding the kids are worse there than in public. For now, she needs that school for the academic help, but I actually can’t wait to move her out. There’s pros/cons to either choice.

You can’t stop them, but you can make it much harder. Everything can be used for the good or for the bad, including social engineering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - not sure if you are still reading this thread, but I wouldn't blame you if you weren't, based on the comments.

When I was 11 years old, my group of girlfriends would sneak out, smoke cigarettes, egg cars, steal from stores etc. My mom had no clue, probably because these activities at 11 years old wouldn't have even crossed her mind.

I was always SO grateful that I "rebelled" early because I got it all out of my system before the stakes were higher.

But you gotta figure out if your kid is the ring leader, or just going along with it. I was in the "just going along with it" camp and one day I made the decision that I was done with the "cool" kids. It was hard and I had to find new friends.

Meet your DD where she is right now. Don't get so caught up in punishment that you're not talking to your DD and seeing where she's coming from. This age is HARD. So much pressure to fit in etc.

Hang in there.

This is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd start by switching schools for high school. New friends ASAP. More weekend activities with the family. Put her in a sport that keeps her too busy to sneak out and party with this fast crowd.

+1000

All. Of. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd start by switching schools for high school. New friends ASAP. More weekend activities with the family. Put her in a sport that keeps her too busy to sneak out and party with this fast crowd.

+1000

All. Of. This.

And prepare her for the school switch. You really do get to completely reinvent yourself with a whole new group of people. Help her figure out who she is and who she wants to be before the change. How does she envision herself as a high school senior?

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the whole thread, OP, but a lot of these PPs are mean and do not realize that but for the grace of G-d go they.

I would caution you against moving. We were told to do that. We had somewhat different issues, but did that, and it made things 20 times worse -- and now we are really in mess. People assume your kid will adjust just fine, but if your kid were going to adjust just fine, they wouldn't be having these issues in the first place.

I would recommend instead parent coaching and therapy to set boundaries and figure out her issues first. Maybe she should do some after school program, either IOP or something else like sports with also individual therapy sessions. You could use the threat of moving to get her to do some of these things.

[Anonymous]

I have had cousins go through this growing up who fortunately turned out to be functioning members of society with stable lives now that they are adults. Some kids are fast and extra rebellious during these teen years. When their parents clamped down, they would just sneak around or worse, run away. I hope you are getting therapy for your DD and for yourself and that you get through this difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Zero sleepovers. Ever.

Get her involved in activities that use her mind and body so she doesn't have time for these friends. Make her read research on alcohol and drug use in kids. I'd scare her straight and I would also lean in as a mother. I would assume she needs more from me emotionally. I know you are already stretched thin, but this is an emergency.

[Anonymous]

OP,
did your child really earn her phone at at that young age? did she have excellent grades and do all her chores on time? Pay a portion of her allowance towards it?

Or did she just *expect* such an expensive gift with no responsibility attached? That is on you, OP. Smart phones are not needed for everyone. A dumb phone may be all she needs -- you know, communication in times of emergency. Sounds like she *expects" you to get her out of trouble, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

And you are without fault?

So many frickin glass houses you people are living in. Karma is a beeeeyatch. Watch out ladies.

Not without fault but damn, why are you willing to excuse lax parenting? I’m not telling all parents they’re doing a great job. Some aren’t. And the kids are the ones who pay.

No one is excusing anything. You don't have to kick someone while they are down. OP came here looking for advice. Just give it without the extra kicks and face punching.

People, learn empathy. Empathy is not excusing. Empathy is what is missing from this world.

She doesn’t deserve any empathy.

Go away troll.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar crowd at the same age: sleepovers were only for the purpose of sneaking out, walking to a boy’s house, hooking up, and drinking. This was in the 90s and I was in FCPS schools so I know what I’m talking about. My parents were absolutely clueless and my dad was in law-enforcement, go figure. Nowadays, I feel like there’s absolutely no excuse to not know where your kids are, every tracking device in the world is available to you even if your kid does not have a smartphone. Put an apple ID tag, somewhere in her backpack where she won’t know where it is, sew it into the seams if you have to. If she has a smartphone, check it nightly and start getting savvy with how to search for things they delete. Look it up on YouTube. Absolutely no social media, period.

I think my parents had a lot of trust in me and blindly figured I had more sense, but nobody in adolescence has enough willpower to resist the popular crowd and every “activity” they deem popular. I actually didn’t like most of the things I went along with, especially stealing from the mall, but I did it because I craved being a part of this friend group. I sincerely hope your daughter is in the same boat, where her moral compass is actually guiding her differently than her actions are telling. Rather than punishing her you need to appeal to her inner compass and ask her what she truly feels is right and wrong behavior. Her answers will tell you what to do next: clamp down, therapy, make more time/emotional space in your life for her, moving schools, banning friends, etc.

I think a lot of the reason people on here are being so critical of you is because it sounds like you have been an absent parent, and even if you have been, that doesn’t mean you will continue to be. The way you respond to THIS situation is going to prove what type of parent you are. Good luck, and just be grateful it was not a lot worse before you found out. You now have the information to do something about it before she ends up pregnant, overdosed, or worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

And you are without fault?

So many frickin glass houses you people are living in. Karma is a beeeeyatch. Watch out ladies.

Not without fault but damn, why are you willing to excuse lax parenting? I’m not telling all parents they’re doing a great job. Some aren’t. And the kids are the ones who pay.

No one is excusing anything. You don't have to kick someone while they are down. OP came here looking for advice. Just give it without the extra kicks and face punching.

People, learn empathy. Empathy is not excusing. Empathy is what is missing from this world.

She doesn’t deserve any empathy.

Go away troll.

Yawn! DP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

And you are without fault?

So many frickin glass houses you people are living in. Karma is a beeeeyatch. Watch out ladies.

Not without fault but damn, why are you willing to excuse lax parenting? I’m not telling all parents they’re doing a great job. Some aren’t. And the kids are the ones who pay.

No one is excusing anything. You don't have to kick someone while they are down. OP came here looking for advice. Just give it without the extra kicks and face punching.

People, learn empathy. Empathy is not excusing. Empathy is what is missing from this world.

She doesn’t deserve any empathy.

She’s not a serial killer. She’s a mom with an SN kiddo and one who has gotten involved with drinking, sex, etc. She’s blaming herself and saying maybe attention to the sibling contributed. Bottom line, none of us know and neither does OP. If we are decent humans our goal should be helping OP gather resources to figure out next steps. Torturing people with guilt and judgment accomplishes exactly nothing. It leaves them paralyzed in darkness.

I have two much older up and out and one pretty young at home. The general breakdown in community and people relating with basic fundamental respect over the years is destructive for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the whole thread, OP, but a lot of these PPs are mean and do not realize that but for the grace of G-d go they.

I would caution you against moving. We were told to do that. We had somewhat different issues, but did that, and it made things 20 times worse -- and now we are really in mess. People assume your kid will adjust just fine, but if your kid were going to adjust just fine, they wouldn't be having these issues in the first place.

I would recommend instead parent coaching and therapy to set boundaries and figure out her issues first. Maybe she should do some after school program, either IOP or something else like sports with also individual therapy sessions. You could use the threat of moving to get her to do some of these things.

People should realize it's not a lot of mean people, but one obsessive person posting mean things over and over again. This was confirmed by Jeff as this thread was described in his top threads summary. "Unfortunately, the thread was immediately taken over by a lunatic. This poster provided the first, second, fourth, fifth, and sixth replies. The poster would eventually post 77 times in this 13 page thread, mostly attacking the original poster as a bad parent and offering no useful advice. It is safe to say that this poster ruined the thread completely. "

I am also curious what drives these vitriolic posters who make numerous posts, making it look like there is an army of mean posters. I honestly wonder if such people are posting with earnest anger, or if it's just something they do out of boredom, but it sure sucks because I agree this is an important topic, not that uncommon, and it would be nice if people like the OP could get earnest advice from others who have been through similar.