Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?

Knock it off. You are way out of line.

Dp. Actually, it is not. The parents are out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?

I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.

Well then, that makes it okay.

That’s a weird reach. The point is this is not unusual behavior for 13 and 14 year-olds unfortunately. Parents need to be aware — check those phones, check locations when they’re at friends houses, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?

Unless there is a large age gap, it is likely that she wasn’t aware of the special needs of the older child when she had the younger one.

OP- PPs are being incredibly harsh and smug, wanting to believe that this would never be their kid. You now know what is going on, and it sounds like taking her phone and essentially grounding her is the right move.

I agree with finding and activity to keep her busy — though not sure you can just put a 13 YO into a sport that will keep them busy all the time unless they have been playing that sport for awhile and can play at a club/travel level.

NP
Wow! Excuse maker condemning those who are parenting and there for their children.

Maybe you all could focus on helping the OP for the situation she is NOW instead of shaming her for the past. That’s not helping.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like the child may need to move to a home where she is looked after and taken care of. OP has said she hasn’t been and seemingly cannot.
Maybe a cpc case?

[Anonymous]

Your 13yo has we toouch freedom and unsupervised time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she 7th or 8th grade? At our public school, there are supposedly 8th graders having s3x in the bathroom and behind the school. This is a rich, white school. If it’s 7th grade, I think you have a much bigger problem. Obviously the group of friends she’s hanging out with is the problem, and you should probably get her away from those kids, but good luck trying. By 9th grade this was normal for many kids and continued throughout high school and college. Where are they getting the alcohol?

+1. The DD needs to be separated from these friends. I knew kids who had behaviors like this at that age, and things did not turn out well for them. I would also suggest therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?

Unless there is a large age gap, it is likely that she wasn’t aware of the special needs of the older child when she had the younger one.

OP- PPs are being incredibly harsh and smug, wanting to believe that this would never be their kid. You now know what is going on, and it sounds like taking her phone and essentially grounding her is the right move.

I agree with finding and activity to keep her busy — though not sure you can just put a 13 YO into a sport that will keep them busy all the time unless they have been playing that sport for awhile and can play at a club/travel level.

NP
Wow! Excuse maker condemning those who are parenting and there for their children.

Maybe you all could focus on helping the OP for the situation she is NOW instead of shaming her for the past. That’s not helping.

Disagree. Op needs a kick up her ass and if no one tells her the truth, it will continue to be a wreck. You only pretend to care but rather have harmony with op because you think it’s nice and sweet, which won’t fix anything. The truth is what needs to come out so she can fix herself in order to know what needs to be done to not continue this mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?

Unless there is a large age gap, it is likely that she wasn’t aware of the special needs of the older child when she had the younger one.

OP- PPs are being incredibly harsh and smug, wanting to believe that this would never be their kid. You now know what is going on, and it sounds like taking her phone and essentially grounding her is the right move.

I agree with finding and activity to keep her busy — though not sure you can just put a 13 YO into a sport that will keep them busy all the time unless they have been playing that sport for awhile and can play at a club/travel level.

NP
Wow! Excuse maker condemning those who are parenting and there for their children.

Maybe you all could focus on helping the OP for the situation she is NOW instead of shaming her for the past. That’s not helping.

How are you helping?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13 is so young. She needs to realize how damaging alcohol is for the brain at that age.

This^. I don't understand why society ignores how teens are exposed to alcohol from early age and later screams about dangers of alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

No phone or limited to calls and texts with you. No hanging with friends for now. No screen time beyond schoolwork.

The “disciplinary” measures may just need to be those and lots of genuine, loving attention from you — and her other parent, if present. I understand that will be hard considering your SN child. But you will have to find a way. Play board games. Visit the library. Go out to dinner and a movie. Go for hikes and walks. Bowling. Dave & Busters, even. Busy busy busy with wholesome family activity. It’s hard, I know, but your kid is worth it.

There are 13-yr-olds like this at my kids’ school. I know some of the parents and some of these kids. The parents are not absent parents, but they are busy, working parents probably like most of us here. Some kids will just be drawn to these types of activities, no matter the parenting style.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

[Anonymous]

Absent parents. Terrible. And the child gets the blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

So, parenting is not influential on kids? We can just throw that out the window. No need to parent, it’s a myth.
Okay, you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my 13 YO DD was drinking at a friend's sleepover. I was outraged and took her phone away. Once I started going through her phone I realized this was not the first time it happened and there have been times when they snuck out, met up with boys, and did inappropriate sexual activities. Obviously she is grounded with no phone or outings for a very long time, but seeking advise as to what other disciplinary measures I should take. We've had many conversations that this was not appropriate behavior and she's too young for all of this. She seems truly sorry for her actions and realizes it was wrong.

Any advise on how we course correct and get her back on the right track? I am still in shock.

Watch the movie 13 - it came out in the 90s and was eye opening. Once my kids have phones, they will locked down and I will have access to them at all times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

You only think you were a present parent.