Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kid would benefit from a good boarding school. Clearly, you are not on track yourself.

Drug and alcohol use is rampant in boarding schools, naive Nancy.

Funny. I’m 100 percent sure you don’t have a kid at a boarding school. I do. It is most certainly not rampant at all boarding schools. Also, boarding schools start in HS (the vast majority) so this is out. Not to mention most people can’t afford the 60-75k tuition.

If you have a kid at a boarding school, perhaps you should step away and not give advice about parenting. You aren't doing any right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

And you are without fault?

So many frickin glass houses you people are living in. Karma is a beeeeyatch. Watch out ladies.

Not without fault but damn, why are you willing to excuse lax parenting? I’m not telling all parents they’re doing a great job. Some aren’t. And the kids are the ones who pay.

No one on this thread is *excusing* lax parenting. People are calling for some understanding for OP and helpful advice instead on useless, mean condemnation by people who don't deserve to give parenting advice. There is a huge difference between lax parenting and struggling because you have a SN child. The fact that you don't get this indicates you are not a good person and have nothing to offer OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

And you are without fault?

So many frickin glass houses you people are living in. Karma is a beeeeyatch. Watch out ladies.

Not without fault but damn, why are you willing to excuse lax parenting? I’m not telling all parents they’re doing a great job. Some aren’t. And the kids are the ones who pay.

+1

You mean like you and Mr./Ms. +1's kids? Because with attitudes like yours, they don't have a chance of being decent humans.

[Anonymous]

Try family therapy to help your family get back on track and fix broken dynamics. The therapist can help you establish boundaries and consequences. Also, ypur child was drinking for a reason so sort that out so that same reason does not lead to other risky behavior. I would be more worried about what was driving risky behavior at this younger age and work on fixing that more holistically versus just focusing on this one incident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

And you are without fault?

So many frickin glass houses you people are living in. Karma is a beeeeyatch. Watch out ladies.

Not without fault but damn, why are you willing to excuse lax parenting? I’m not telling all parents they’re doing a great job. Some aren’t. And the kids are the ones who pay.

No one is excusing anything. You don't have to kick someone while they are down. OP came here looking for advice. Just give it without the extra kicks and face punching.

People, learn empathy. Empathy is not excusing. Empathy is what is missing from this world.

+10000

[Anonymous]

OP. I’m so sorry. This must be hard and I know you’re doing your best. Also sorry for the trolls here judging you and being totally unhelpful. Ignore them. They’re the worst kind of lowlifes and their replies are not about you at all but themselves.

This is not totally unheard of at this age unfortunately. I do think a lot of it comes down to her peer group. Also her free time and other places to make friends. Is she into sports? Sports is a must in our house because it keeps them really busy and theoretically around kids who take their health seriously (though not always). If she’s not athletic, then other interest groups like arts, theater, community group, faith based group etc.

Of course no sleep overs for the foreseeable future. No hangouts without a trusted adult (read: you or a parent you know well and trust) supervising. No phone. The rationale? It’s not random. Cause and effect. Since you have not proven to be responsible or trustworthy, you have lost the privilege as being treated as such. It will need to be earned back.

I’d ensure she is busy with productive scheduled activities to focus on and potentially make new friends too.

Evaluate peer group. Good kids that got into trouble? Bad eggs? Bad schools? Large school with pockets of different groups to try out?

Change schools if you must.

Trust and autonomy is earned. She’s broken that and it will take repair. Actions have natural consequences and she will be living these consequences for quite a while. She is still and always loved of course.

Schedule a set 1 hour per week just you and her. (Since I know you understandably spend a lot of time on your other DD) Go for a drive. Get Starbucks. Go to lunch. Make it a time she can count on. Build the rapport. It will take time, but it will get there.

Good luck OP & big hugs! You are not a bad parent. You are human. And you are carrying a lot. Also make sure to carve out a little time for yourself too.

[Anonymous]

No more sleepovers, tell her you will be doing regular checks of her phone, no snapchat, and she has to get involved in more extracurriculars to hopefully connect with a different crowd of people.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read the whole thread, but OP, I can relate. I didn’t drink at 13 but I did sneak out to meet boys or sneak boys in during sleepovers with one particular friend. She always arranged it and I was along for the ride (including sexual activity, though not actually intercourse with the friend of whatever guy she was interested in). I had only kissed a boy before then. The guys we met were several years older and expected more of me.
I was so glad when we got caught. My mom never knew the true extent but there were no more sleepovers with that friend.
For me, she was the bad influence. Her parents sent her to a Catholic high school and our friendship fizzled. I never did anything like that again, though I did repeatedly end up in situations where I was uncomfortable, in over my head, didn’t know how to say no, etc.
I’m not sure what would have made a difference for me then, but having the confidence to stand up for myself and not follow stronger personalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

Since you are already grounding her, I would focus less on discipline and more on family time. Ok, perhaps a 13 year old will see that as punishment . Make being home for dinner (or another activity ) mandatory. Have some family game nights. Have some heat to heart talks on why her behavior is troublesome.


Tell her you love her every day. Even when you are angry or tired. Be prepared for all if this to not work at first. But push through. And forgive yourself. No one is a perfect parent. You do have time to turn it around. Good for you for making an effort!

[Anonymous]

My DH went to a very exclusive boarding school and he can tell some stories! Coke was rampant, so was bullying and lots more terrible behavior. Private school is not some panacea to insulate your kid from bad behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kid would benefit from a good boarding school. Clearly, you are not on track yourself.

Drug and alcohol use is rampant in boarding schools, naive Nancy.

Funny. I’m 100 percent sure you don’t have a kid at a boarding school. I do. It is most certainly not rampant at all boarding schools. Also, boarding schools start in HS (the vast majority) so this is out. Not to mention most people can’t afford the 60-75k tuition.

[Anonymous]

I understand what everyone is saying here and why they’re worried.

I’ll also say that my behavior was also like this at 13. I didn’t try harder drugs (many friends did) and was still successful in HS, involved in many activities, and am a fully functional and successful adult.

Just wanted to put that out there.

[Anonymous]

Yeah this age is really where kids test the waters with friend groups. It can be from any type of home environment. It’s more nature vs nurture in each kid.

My first did nothing like this but my second was pushing endless boundaries from 13-15 and finally turned it around really well mid way thru sophomore year.

And honestly, I was drinking purple passion 2 liters in woods with friends my freshman year. Smoked pot freshman summer. I am now a nurse practitioner.

Not condoning anything but it isn’t that big of a stretch. Reel her back in kindly. Punish and teach. Get her involved in activities.

[Anonymous]

I hope OP has read Jeff's blog post about this thread so that she is aware that one manic troll has replied at least 77 times and it's not a bunch of people chastising her but mainly just one, maybe a few more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

And you are without fault?

So many frickin glass houses you people are living in. Karma is a beeeeyatch. Watch out ladies.

Not without fault but damn, why are you willing to excuse lax parenting? I’m not telling all parents they’re doing a great job. Some aren’t. And the kids are the ones who pay.

+1

You mean like you and Mr./Ms. +1's kids? Because with attitudes like yours, they don't have a chance of being decent humans.

Nice gaslighting, bad person.