Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle

[Anonymous]

NP. I’m pretty shocked at the judgmental, mean spirited, unhelpful responses. It’s a new low even for DCUM. Imagine being a parent whose world has been turned upside down, and then hearing that they are a terrible parent whose child should be taken away from them? There is nothing actionable here.

OP, you recognize that you screwed up. You have to do better, both in terms of supervision and time spent with this child. It might mean that you have to figure out a way to get help for your SN child so you have more time. Get her into counseling. The parents could probably use parenting classes, so you know how to do better in the future.

Your child needs consequences of course. In addition to losing the phone, I would implement a ‘no electronics anywhere except in public’ policy. Absolutely no devices or computers allowed in the bedroom. She needs to do more. When she is not doing school work, she is helping at home - learning how to cook alongside you, doing laundry, cleaning, helping take care of her sister, etc. She should also be in lessons for things she’s interested in or has talents - music, art, dance, etc. Her downtime can be spent listening to music or reading, not mindlessly scrolling. Obviously no outings without adult supervision for the foreseeable future.

You can’t keep her from seeing her friends when she’s in school. If she is not distancing herself, consider a new school. But continue the supervision because these kids exist everywhere.

My DD and I know a few kids like this. For the most part, the parents are not bad people, just caught up with life and other obligations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

So, parenting is not influential on kids? We can just throw that out the window. No need to parent, it’s a myth.
Okay, you!

Having the attitude it won’t happen to me is just foolish (among other words). Some kids, who have very present parents and lots of support, are going to push every single boundary. A kid who doesn’t doesn’t necessarily mean their parents were amazing. It often is just that kid’s personality.

A parent who is not present would do nothing. Did I say do nothing? FFS. Can you read?

It certainly will happen more with the way op is not parenting. No one said it won’t happen. Environments are influential.
You are essentially saying to throw parenting out the window.

Again, if you’re replying to my original post to OP, I gave at least 3 immediate things to do: ban all sleepovers, regularly check phone and have all passwords and discuss birth control/consent/sex awareness.

Did I say stop parenting? Again can you actually read? I can’t stand DCUM posters like you.

No one cares who you can stand and who you can’t stand.

Charming

The irony.

Ah, I knew that was you. You've been squatting on quite a few forums, haven't you. So fun to hear you rant. I'm pretty sure your life is an absolute mess.

That just tells us that you are on quite a few forums and your life is an absolute mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

So, parenting is not influential on kids? We can just throw that out the window. No need to parent, it’s a myth.
Okay, you!

Having the attitude it won’t happen to me is just foolish (among other words). Some kids, who have very present parents and lots of support, are going to push every single boundary. A kid who doesn’t doesn’t necessarily mean their parents were amazing. It often is just that kid’s personality.

A parent who is not present would do nothing. Did I say do nothing? FFS. Can you read?

It certainly will happen more with the way op is not parenting. No one said it won’t happen. Environments are influential.
You are essentially saying to throw parenting out the window.

Again, if you’re replying to my original post to OP, I gave at least 3 immediate things to do: ban all sleepovers, regularly check phone and have all passwords and discuss birth control/consent/sex awareness.

Did I say stop parenting? Again can you actually read? I can’t stand DCUM posters like you.

No one cares who you can stand and who you can’t stand.

Charming

The irony.

Ah, I knew that was you. You've been squatting on quite a few forums, haven't you. So fun to hear you rant. I'm pretty sure your life is an absolute mess.

Again, the irony.

[Anonymous]

I did not read all these responses but just want to say I see this stuff going on at my public middle school and the parents are just so out to lunch. I don’t get it. I think people are too tired to bother so just stick their head in the sand.

Hey people…if your daughter already looks 16 in 7th grade and is very interested in her social life above all else and just loves a group sleepover and you never check her phone. Hmmm….might want to start poking around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not read all these responses but just want to say I see this stuff going on at my public middle school and the parents are just so out to lunch. I don’t get it. I think people are too tired to bother so just stick their head in the sand.

Hey people…if your daughter already looks 16 in 7th grade and is very interested in her social life above all else and just loves a group sleepover and you never check her phone. Hmmm….might want to start poking around.

It’s evident by the parents on here patronizing the mom and trying to make her feel better about a situation she created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not read all these responses but just want to say I see this stuff going on at my public middle school and the parents are just so out to lunch. I don’t get it. I think people are too tired to bother so just stick their head in the sand.

Hey people…if your daughter already looks 16 in 7th grade and is very interested in her social life above all else and just loves a group sleepover and you never check her phone. Hmmm….might want to start poking around.

It’s evident by the parents on here patronizing the mom and trying to make her feel better about a situation she created.

^* pampering the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

So, parenting is not influential on kids? We can just throw that out the window. No need to parent, it’s a myth.
Okay, you!

Having the attitude it won’t happen to me is just foolish (among other words). Some kids, who have very present parents and lots of support, are going to push every single boundary. A kid who doesn’t doesn’t necessarily mean their parents were amazing. It often is just that kid’s personality.

A parent who is not present would do nothing. Did I say do nothing? FFS. Can you read?

It certainly will happen more with the way op is not parenting. No one said it won’t happen. Environments are influential.
You are essentially saying to throw parenting out the window.

Again, if you’re replying to my original post to OP, I gave at least 3 immediate things to do: ban all sleepovers, regularly check phone and have all passwords and discuss birth control/consent/sex awareness.

Did I say stop parenting? Again can you actually read? I can’t stand DCUM posters like you.

No one cares who you can stand and who you can’t stand.

Charming

The irony.

Ah, I knew that was you. You've been squatting on quite a few forums, haven't you. So fun to hear you rant. I'm pretty sure your life is an absolute mess.

These are things an only an unhappy person would wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my 13 YO DD was drinking at a friend's sleepover. I was outraged and took her phone away. Once I started going through her phone I realized this was not the first time it happened and there have been times when they snuck out, met up with boys, and did inappropriate sexual activities. Obviously she is grounded with no phone or outings for a very long time, but seeking advise as to what other disciplinary measures I should take. We've had many conversations that this was not appropriate behavior and she's too young for all of this. She seems truly sorry for her actions and realizes it was wrong.

Any advise on how we course correct and get her back on the right track? I am still in shock.

Where were the friend's parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my 13 YO DD was drinking at a friend's sleepover. I was outraged and took her phone away. Once I started going through her phone I realized this was not the first time it happened and there have been times when they snuck out, met up with boys, and did inappropriate sexual activities. Obviously she is grounded with no phone or outings for a very long time, but seeking advise as to what other disciplinary measures I should take. We've had many conversations that this was not appropriate behavior and she's too young for all of this. She seems truly sorry for her actions and realizes it was wrong.

Any advise on how we course correct and get her back on the right track? I am still in shock.

Where were the friend's parents?

Look at many parents on here and you’ll know many are not parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?

NP. What's wrong with you? Why would you say such an unkind thing to a stranger?
OP I'm sorry about these unstable posters who seem to get their jollies criticizing others.
You're doing fine, OP. These types of mistakes are very normal and many "good" kids make them at one time or another. Our very responsible, straight A kid didn't make the best decisions at 13 either and she is turning out just great later in HS. Just keep guiding her in the right direction, don't be afraid of consequences and she will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my 13 YO DD was drinking at a friend's sleepover. I was outraged and took her phone away. Once I started going through her phone I realized this was not the first time it happened and there have been times when they snuck out, met up with boys, and did inappropriate sexual activities. Obviously she is grounded with no phone or outings for a very long time, but seeking advise as to what other disciplinary measures I should take. We've had many conversations that this was not appropriate behavior and she's too young for all of this. She seems truly sorry for her actions and realizes it was wrong.

Any advise on how we course correct and get her back on the right track? I am still in shock.

Where were the friend's parents?

Look at many parents on here and you’ll know many are not parenting.

People make a lot of wrong assumptions about how other people parent. Oh this person looks like me and talks like me and has a job like me and stands on the sidelines like me and I like them and they have a nice house so sure it’s all good.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my 13 YO DD was drinking at a friend's sleepover. I was outraged and took her phone away. Once I started going through her phone I realized this was not the first time it happened and there have been times when they snuck out, met up with boys, and did inappropriate sexual activities. Obviously she is grounded with no phone or outings for a very long time, but seeking advise as to what other disciplinary measures I should take. We've had many conversations that this was not appropriate behavior and she's too young for all of this. She seems truly sorry for her actions and realizes it was wrong.

Any advise on how we course correct and get her back on the right track? I am still in shock.

Where were the friend's parents?

Probably upstairs sleeping while all the kids are in their basement doing whatever the F they feel like.

[Anonymous]

Based on the last few lines - troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?

NP. What's wrong with you? Why would you say such an unkind thing to a stranger?
OP I'm sorry about these unstable posters who seem to get their jollies criticizing others.
You're doing fine, OP. These types of mistakes are very normal and many "good" kids make them at one time or another. Our very responsible, straight A kid didn't make the best decisions at 13 either and she is turning out just great later in HS. Just keep guiding her in the right direction, don't be afraid of consequences and she will be ok.

NP. OP isn’t doing “fine.” Her daughter’s “mistakes” aren’t “normal.” Stop downplaying.

[Anonymous]

I think three things are big contributors to this at that age:
- peer group
- opportunity
- mental heath/family dynamics that can push kids to risky behavior

You can fully restrict the “opportunity” - especially now that she’s lost your trust. No more meeting up with other kids for the foreseeable future unless you’ve talked to their parents. Must come straight home from school or go to an afterschool program until she’s earned your trust back.

Peer group is hard but worth trying to address. Others have given good suggestion. I’d look for other activities to fill her time and develop an identity outside of the crowd she’s currently spending time with.

Going too draconian with punishment can backfire - she’ll just hide behavior in future. I’d work on building two way trust while getting her to understand behavior is unacceptable and you’re on her side to get her on a better path.

I also think others are being pretty harsh. Yes, it’s young, and bad, but I have the rare 14 year old who shares all the gossip and those behaviors definitely aren’t unheard of in MCPS middle and high schools even with the “good kids”.