Finances make me consider suicide

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please stay here. Your child needs you and you have a lot to offer the world.

Just under 80k is about the national average household income. If you live in a hcol, that makes it harder to live off of but not impossible.

It’s perfectly acceptable for your high school student to pay their way through community college and finish at a state school. The Maryland and Virginia suburbs offer good programs. I don’t have familiarity with DC but there is probably a resource at your child’s high school that knows about this path in the city.

Are you on a budget? It’s a tough habit to begin but remember to give it 3-6 months to establish. You don’t have to be perfect every month. You may have to cut some lifestyle expenses but cutting them is the hardest part.

You can do this. There are lots of personal finance groups you can join in the area. Seek some out. It’s not too late and you can do this.

I'm staying here, leaving her is not really an option. I live in moco, so yes a HCOL. I live in probably one of the crappiest parts of moco, but still at a decent school.

my budget is basically my bills, I don't spend on much else because there's nothing else to spend. I'm aware MC is an option but I was really hoping my kid would get the "away" experience. I'll have to talk to counselors about future options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have $190,000 in student loan debt, a 25 year old vehicle, zero retirement savings and a low wage job with zero benefits so I’m on Medicaid. My credit rating is somewhere in the 400s. I would be homeless if I didn’t have a lovely childhood best friend who let me move into her in-law apartment when her mother died. I cover all my own expenses and pay modest rent when I can, which suits her fine as her mother never did.

I ended up here despite a very solid academic background including a T-15 law degree. I had a reasonably successful career in my chosen area of practice- public interest - but my health crashed in my mid 40s and I was very sick for about six years until doctors properly diagnosed me. Now I’m on the slow road to recovering my health and beginning to build a next career.

It’s important to cultivate perspective about financial matters. Look at your life in comparison to the several billion people who are far worse off than you, instead of comparing yourself to the DCUM crowd. You are so much more than what you do and what you own. We can lose everything material and still be someone of great consequence, especially if we have people who love and depend on us.

Please consider getting some counseling to help manage your financial anxiety.

I have perspective about my financial matters. But why do I have to be ok with being mediocre and struggling? It's not a good way to live. I don't need to be DCUM rich but I do want to avoid a situation like the one you are in. That would truly put me over the edge. Having a kid also ups the stakes of why I need to be more financially secure. I have a therapist already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness you know that what feels like a temporary solution for you would only maje matters much worse for the rest of your daughter!s life.

I am really impressed with your hustle!! 👏🏼
You have so much right. You cannot control the results, only our own efforts. You are teaching her to work hard, spend wisely, and sacrifice for love.

Many kids have little or no money for college. Don’t be deceived by the posts on this board.

You are providing her with a home and family. She is almost raised. Keep up the great work. 🤗

Thanks so much for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut the streaming services and put that money into a savings account, just to get a confidence boost to start.
If you’ve sent hundreds of apps without any reply it may help to ask a friend to look at your resume to see if anything should be reworded/ reformatted.
Also, add your application to temp agencies in case something comes up there.

I finally created a linked in and have an interview next week. Hopefully this is a sign of things to come. I did not believe a friend who told me I wouldn't get jobs without a linkedin. The streaming services will get cut as we won't be home much with the start of spring sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP your mental health is a real concern and you should call 988. Talking about suicide is not a good thing.

You are a family of two living on $80k plus $200 a month from the ex. Your daughter is also making good money. You are not poor by any stretch of the imagination. You are overspending.

I do not always get the $200. 78k post tax is somewhere in the 60s so it's not as high as one would think. I'm not poor but I'm not comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sending good thoughts, OP. Agree call 988 for suicidal thinking. I know you say you won't do it, but talking about it with an anonymous, trained person can give you some strategies to help if it ever gets too much again.

I know it can be rough. 80k is a good salary, but it's just hard to be a single parent in a high cost of living area. I'm not far from that salary with 2 kids and our only "vacations" are car trips to visit and stay with family/friends than more traditional vacations. But I think they are having a great childhood still. One thing I started doing for my stress is try to get into the 'vacation mindset' at least one of the weekend days where I full on relax, eat simple easy to prepare foods I love, read books and take walks, exercise and listen to music, and try to have good conversations with my kids-- but don't go on my computer or phone (except if part of my vacation day is talking with a friend or something) and don't do any chores or other work. It's helped. I tell my kids which day is my "vacation day" so if they need a lot of help for a project or whatever, to time it for the other weekend day.

As for college you will likely qualify for at least some financial aid. This may include some subsidized loans for your kid, but the changes Biden made to the student loan repayment plan (SAVE), makes the burden of undergraduate student loans much less risky and burdensome and they go into effect July 1. Also, if you are in the DMV, the community college/transfer system is excellent if she wants to go that route or if that's what you can afford.

As for cutting expenses, maybe do some of the less painful things like review your insurances and see if you can get any better deals. Or choose which streaming service is most important to you and get rid of the others. Since your housecleaner brings you joy, maybe you can negotiate stretching out the services (e.g. bi-monthly or every 6 weeks) or you can see if you can take a 6 month break from having the housecleaner to build up savings.

Definitely rooting for you! Don't let anyone convince you that 80k isn't an achievement--esp as a single parent where don't have that other income and you can't lean as easily on the other parent for $ or childcare. Just trim the budget a bit, look at net price calculators on the websites where your kid is going to college and see what is realistic for her.

I might try this vacation thing during spring break since we'll be home, hopefully it will help a little. The housecleaner comes once a month but after some thinking she may have to go for some time...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t Thomas Edison high school have hair services for the public?

I'm not familiar with their familiarity of Black hair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it will be OK.

Single mom here, I can relate to how you feel, on many points. Some things to keep in mind. For one, your child will probably be able to get some scholarships. It won't be easy but they probably will be able to do OK.

Secondly, you cannot derail your kid's life by leaving her. You are not allowed to leave her.

Thirdly, one of the things I did in your situation was get a roommate. We shared a single family home. Coabode connects single moms looking to house share, and maybe child care share.

Also, I picked up a weekend job. It's not much per hour but when I get paid it covers my car payment which is nice.

If your child is going to school in 2.5 years, she can probably get a job. She can start saving for the future. Encourage her to do that. Working in high school taught me a lot.

Next, if you'd like detailed help, post your budget. Also, if you'd like some ideas on jobs, post your field (haven't read the whole thread yet).

Shave your head! So many black ladies look amazing with the Danai Gurrira/T'nia Miller look.

You will be OK. Your daughter will be OK if you keep on being her mom.

Thanks for this. Unfortunately a roommate is out of the question as we live in a tiny 750sqft condo that has one bathroom. I'd love to sell it but for now my mortgage is extremely low and I won't find rent that is comparable. I now have an infrequent tutoring job, hopefully I can pick up more of these over the next few months. My daughter has a summer job that pays her quite well. She could continue to do it during the school year, but her sports schedule won't allow her. Personnally, can't do a shaved head as tempting as it is, it wouldn't look good on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is you DC likely to get recruited for sports? What kind of grades do they get? …. Either of these could result in some big merit on top of the financial aid that you will qualify for….. I think knowing some path for your child’s college may ease the mental burden on you…

There's a small chance she could get recruited, but I'm not banking on it. She has grades in the 3.5 range.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have nothing but love for you. A lot of these families rolling around in 100k SUVs also have no college savings. Stop beating yourself up. Your child sounds like they have a great work ethic, and that will take them far (much further than their pampered brat peers, frankly).

Here's to hoping. She's currently in the very selfish annoying teen phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding sports...have you talked to the coaches/leagues/facilities to see if there are any breaks you could get?

I live in a pretty kind place. There are a lot of comments around activities that cause extra spending to "let us know" if some spending is a hardship. They don't ask a lot of questions. Can your daughter let you know when these offers come up, if they do?

Also, I don't know if this would work for you but occasionally I hear things about the website "Teachers Pay Teachers". Do you have any lesson plans, handouts, etc. that you developed or could develop to post there?

I think too, even though your daughter is young, you need a bit of teamwork from her. Can you work on beauty stuff together, in the home? Does she know/can she research ways to find bargains on things you need? I was my mom's coupon resource for a couple of years. Anything you can do now to help her develop budgeting skills will be useful later. Just try to make it fun and educational.

Only one of her sports is costing me significant money at the moment, but it really can't get much cheaper. TPT is a bit controversial so I've never created content on there, but I could look into it. I haven't asked my daughter for help because I don't want to stress her more than I already do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm rooting for you, OP. Please keep the house cleaner. You deserve it. I'm a teacher, too, and it's really hard. Is the profession itself stressing you out? Maybe you could switch to a less stressful role at your school?

It does sound like you are fighting depression as well as all of your practical challenges. Do you have a good friend who could walk with you?

Thank you for reaching out and for staying. You matter.

It's the profession, my particular school, my commute, etc. I'm looking to leave education altogether. I've lost a lot of friends on this single parenting journey because I had her young and my friends are just now having kids. My mom friend group has fallen apart over the last 4 years. Just altogether lonely over here. I definitely suffer from SAD (I try to hit Florida usually in March, not this year though) and up my dosage of vitamin d. I also workout regularly 3-4x/wk.

[Anonymous]

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/02/25/26-year-lives-for-free-in-luxury-tiny-home-she-built-for-35000-in-her-backyard-look-inside.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are sitting here shooting down virtually every suggestion offered by anyone.

I’m not shooting anything down, but a lot of what folks have suggested I don’t qualify for. I’m looking for a pt job, will start tutoring this week, and continue my hunt for a better paying job. Aside from the cleaner & streaming services there’s not much more I can cut. I do my own hair & nails. I try to by off brand food. I workout at home so no gym fees. I wear the same raggedy clothes & shoes. Sometimes things have to be replaced because my job requires decent appearances but I definitely stretch things out. I don’t like junk so there’s not a lot of “extra” stuff in my house. I don’t do things like Starbucks unless I have a gift card. I don’t go out with friends. I cook most meals. I only have to pay $100 a month for braces because luckily my insurance covered 50%. I have the cheapest internet package. I dont host family or friends because $$. I keep my thermostat low to save $. I’m trying.

Hey Sis, another black woman here.

You’re doing EVERYTHING right.

I understand the hair and nails thing.

I’m going to make a suggestion that is going to sound wild to anyone who isn’t a black woman.

You MUST invest in your physical appearance, your clothing, hair, and nails must look presentable in order for you to advance professionally. For us, 9/10 it’s network, and in order to feel confident enough to successfully expand your network, you have to be out and about, and you won’t feel ok being out and about if you don’t feel like you look good.

Make a hair appointment, make a nail appointment. Get yourself a new nice outfit. Get outside.

Reach out to people that you know in the field that you’re in and circulate your resume directly.

You don’t need 7 part time jobs. You need one good full time job. Overworking will run you into an early grave and make you a less effective mom.

Do NOT get rid of your cleaner, it’s probably the thing that’s keep you from falling fully into a depression pit.

Your daughter is going to be fine. At your income, she’ll qualify for aid, loans, need based scholarships.

Pursue your child support through the courts, if your ex owes you $18k, that’s your cushion. It’s tax time, at minimum you can get his tax return intercepted to start things off.

I do my own nails 99% of the time so I will keep that up, but my hair. Yikes LOL. I'm definitely going to do braids for a while just so it looks nice and one less thing to worry about. Currently looking for that one good full time job. Hopefully with the apps I've put in over the last few weeks I can snag another interview.

I've gone through the courts, but because we don't live in the same state things have been difficult (I don't even have his address). I just take what I can get when I get it. I appreciate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what job do you have today? What is your master’s in? Why do you feel you need to take it off your resume? What roles are you applying to?

I’m an educator. My masters is in education. I took it off to apply to pt jobs because I thought it was making me an automatic no/she’s too expensive. I am applying for any and everything. I’d like to get out of education but it looks like I’m stuck.

I missed this one, if you’re in education, getting out of the classroom and into administration is the way to go with an advanced degree. If you’re in public, consider going to the charter system unless you’re in a pension plan. Charter administration pays well.

Administration is not for me. Parents are crazy and I saw what my boss went through during covid. I currently want out of education altogether.