Just accepting unequal division of labor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should throttle back on your career. Why do you work much harder, and for 4 times his salary? If you didn’t want to mommy track, it would seem like your current situation is the inevitable outcome of that decision.

Maybe she likes her career, and the independence and fulfillment it provides? Some people actually like to work hard at their careers.

Well that’s the choice she made then isn’t it? She got what she wanted, with all the tradeoffs that it comes with.

Dp Would you say that to a man? No, because he is getting everything. A wife who works and makes money, takes care of the children and housework All he has to do is go to his job. If he does the anything than he is treated royally. But, women are expected to do this and if they don't than they are failing or as you put in pp "you ASKED for it"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

dp OR perhaps she was disappointed because all he had to do was make ONE dinner and he took the lazy way out. No, it isn't a parenting fail but, now dad is the "fun" one because he bought fast food. Meanwhile if Mom did that she would be called LAZY

Called lazy by whom?????

[Anonymous]

I think the McDonald’s thing comes down to ratios. If mom did it as often as dad does when each is responsible for dinner, what would that mean? Like if dad is responsible for dinner three times a month and he gets McDonald’s 2/3 times, if mom cops out as often has him, the kids’ diet is appalling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

dp OR perhaps she was disappointed because all he had to do was make ONE dinner and he took the lazy way out. No, it isn't a parenting fail but, now dad is the "fun" one because he bought fast food. Meanwhile if Mom did that she would be called LAZY

Called lazy by whom?????

Don't pay dumb...( i'm the pp)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

dp OR perhaps she was disappointed because all he had to do was make ONE dinner and he took the lazy way out. No, it isn't a parenting fail but, now dad is the "fun" one because he bought fast food. Meanwhile if Mom did that she would be called LAZY

Called lazy by whom?????

Don't pay dumb...( i'm the pp)

No, I really want to know. “If Mom did that she would be called LAZY” by…the dad? the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

dp OR perhaps she was disappointed because all he had to do was make ONE dinner and he took the lazy way out. No, it isn't a parenting fail but, now dad is the "fun" one because he bought fast food. Meanwhile if Mom did that she would be called LAZY

Called lazy by whom?????

Don't pay dumb...( i'm the pp)

No, I really want to know. “If Mom did that she would be called LAZY” by…the dad? the kids?

Maybe. Or maybe the kids would like having a crap diet but it's still harmful.

[Anonymous]

I have one of these husbands. I have been consulting with an attorney re divorce because I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life like this. I would get more support at home from a babysitter I paid $15/hr and I know they would at least do what they are asked.

How do all of the PPs live like this?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You two sit together and make a pact to be intentionally kind, fair and helpful. No keeping scores, just try to be a good team.

DP. Yeah, tried that. Just does not work with someone with weak executive function. Structure works. Good intentions do not.

Good intentions make all the difference, structure only helps execute them. Unless one understands and feels genuinely concerned about unfairly overburdening their partner, nothing would change.

They all INTEND to put their garbage in the van, lock the front door, turn off the lights, take the trash out, make sure the kids complete their homework….

But they don’t DO it.

So no intentions do NOT make the difference. The gap and disconnect between what an untreated ADHD persons wants to do and actually does is horrifically huge. They just can plan a way, they can’t remember, they can think of more than one thing at a time, they start shutting down and blocking out things in sight, words being said, lists on the door.

Talk is cheap, action is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You two sit together and make a pact to be intentionally kind, fair and helpful. No keeping scores, just try to be a good team.

DP. Yeah, tried that. Just does not work with someone with weak executive function. Structure works. Good intentions do not.

Good intentions make all the difference, structure only helps execute them. Unless one understands and feels genuinely concerned about unfairly overburdening their partner, nothing would change.

So for the first time in their life they will simply *feel* bad for dumping on their wife and suddenly function like a true adult??!!

Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with those saying if he can do it at work he can do it at home. For ADHD people, executive function is a depleteable resource. It’s very possible he’s barely holding on at work and has less left to give at home. It doesn’t justify becoming a lump on the couch, but it does explain just never getting a grip on the trash pickup or soccer game schedules.

And remember that work provides external structure, extrinsic rewards and constant validation- plus visible, public consequences. An intense job can conquer even the worst ADHD because it supplies constant dopamine and adrenaline. That’s also why ADHD can go undetected at school and in someone’s early 20s and why all of us women are startled to find ourselves with these men. The structure and rewards of school and early careers jobs make many ADHD people more successful than those who don’t have it! My DH ruled his 100-hour/week job in his early 20s because it perfectly suited someone who could hyperfocus and let everything else fall away.

There is no salary, promotion, or consequences for not taking out the trash or bungling soccer dropoff, and the boss is not going to stand up at the all hands and congratulate you for packing your kids’ lunches for the 90th time this year.

At work, if you hyperfocus through the jr years and are mid level or sr, you suddenly have secretaries and junior staff to dump on. So any chaos you create they can all work out, or the team can.
If you’re senior enough you can bully others too. I catch my asd/adhd spouse gaslighting his coworkers like he does to us at home: no, I never said that. no I never meant that. I would never XYZ.

At any rate, living with someone like that 24/7 is very difficult and crazy making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

I actually get mad about this and I think it’s fair. If I’m making and planning healthy dinners 90% of the time and DH can’t expend the same effort when it’s his turn, that means that if I want to take a night off from cooking and planning, he’s already used up our “unhealthy”/“easy” meal of the week. Since he never ever cooks or plans a healthy meal, I don’t feel like I can ever take the easy way out on my nights on because he’s so sloppy about nutrition and getting them sufficient calories.

Exactly, he cuts corners on food, health, being on time, homework because he knows Mommy does it the right way all the others times, so NBD, right?

So selfish and lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. I have no advice because I’m in the same boat. I have accepted that my DH must have executive dysfunction.

I’m a stay at home mom, so it’s A LOT more manageable than your situation, but it still sucks. I’m literally never off the clock. I think I’m working harder than ever. It’s sad that I actually prefer when he’s at work because when he’s home I’m just constantly picking up after him. He leaves dirty clothes, dirty diapers, dirty dishes scattered all over the house. He doesn’t even follow our baby’s schedule when he’s with her after work and on the evenings, making my life even harder.

Somehow he doesn’t see when the dishwasher needs to be loaded or emptied, when the dogs need water, when the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, when the counters need to be wiped down, when the trash needs to be taken out, when laundry needs to be done or just put away, when bottles need to be washed, when the diaper bag needs to be stocked, when literally anything needs to be done. On the rare occasion he has done a load of laundry he has left it in the washer for days (he’s done this multiple times). Oh, and this week. (And too many weeks to count) he failed to bring the trash to the street. Out of pure laziness. I also do every single night waking.

I’m trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mother for him. Dinner on the table when he gets home. He even has the nerve to ask me to make his lunch in the morning while I’m caring for myself, our two dogs, and our baby.

He tells me to tell him what to do, like, hello!? Open your eyes!? I tried telling him that this is more mental work for me. He just doesn’t get it and I don’t think he ever will. Other times when I do ask him, he tells me he’s too tired (I’m tired too!) or that he will get to it later (Surprise, later never comes). Lately I’ve been fantasizing about separating/divorcing.

Well, before divorcing, just try growing a backbone.

Believe me. I have tried. I don’t know what else to do except accept the situation or eventually divorce.

I'm honestly curious. Was he helpful with all these things before you got married and had a baby?

If you don't live together before marriage and dont have children, how would one know their husband will suck at doing these things? Many ADHD adults can mask this type of behavior enough to look good while dating. Don't be so obtuse.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why these executive function issues get in the way of all the flat out “labor” that needs to get done. Done these men know how to clean a kitchen? How much executive functioning reserves need to be available for plain labor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

dp OR perhaps she was disappointed because all he had to do was make ONE dinner and he took the lazy way out. No, it isn't a parenting fail but, now dad is the "fun" one because he bought fast food. Meanwhile if Mom did that she would be called LAZY

exactly. my DH literally never cooks an actual meal for our child. So when he goes to McDonald’s that basically means another day I have to cook if I want my child to have any chance of a somewhat healthy diet (not to mention the cost).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. I have no advice because I’m in the same boat. I have accepted that my DH must have executive dysfunction.

I’m a stay at home mom, so it’s A LOT more manageable than your situation, but it still sucks. I’m literally never off the clock. I think I’m working harder than ever. It’s sad that I actually prefer when he’s at work because when he’s home I’m just constantly picking up after him. He leaves dirty clothes, dirty diapers, dirty dishes scattered all over the house. He doesn’t even follow our baby’s schedule when he’s with her after work and on the evenings, making my life even harder.

Somehow he doesn’t see when the dishwasher needs to be loaded or emptied, when the dogs need water, when the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, when the counters need to be wiped down, when the trash needs to be taken out, when laundry needs to be done or just put away, when bottles need to be washed, when the diaper bag needs to be stocked, when literally anything needs to be done. On the rare occasion he has done a load of laundry he has left it in the washer for days (he’s done this multiple times). Oh, and this week. (And too many weeks to count) he failed to bring the trash to the street. Out of pure laziness. I also do every single night waking.

I’m trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mother for him. Dinner on the table when he gets home. He even has the nerve to ask me to make his lunch in the morning while I’m caring for myself, our two dogs, and our baby.

He tells me to tell him what to do, like, hello!? Open your eyes!? I tried telling him that this is more mental work for me. He just doesn’t get it and I don’t think he ever will. Other times when I do ask him, he tells me he’s too tired (I’m tired too!) or that he will get to it later (Surprise, later never comes). Lately I’ve been fantasizing about separating/divorcing.

Do calendar alerts work for him? With the trash, for example, I assume it's collected the same day every week. So the night before, would a calendar alert to tell him to take it to the curb help? And then the day of, another calendar alert to bring it in.

Not trying to be unsympathetic, I wouldn't survive your situation, it's just that the trash thing made me think because my husband is in charge of it but there are calendar alerts that help me when he's away on trash day because it isn't otherwise on my radar at all.