Just accepting unequal division of labor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

Same, absolutely cannot die. Had a surgery two years ago that had me out for a month and I was supposed to be on bed rest for 2 weeks. By day 4 I was up on my feet doing things because DH was so out of his depth. It set my healing way back but no way was my child going to be neglected just because I chose a hot ADHD mess as her dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

Same, absolutely cannot die. Had a surgery two years ago that had me out for a month and I was supposed to be on bed rest for 2 weeks. By day 4 I was up on my feet doing things because DH was so out of his depth. It set my healing way back but no way was my child going to be neglected just because I chose a hot ADHD mess as her dad.

PP here and yes. About a year and a half ago when I was still freelance, I took a job that meant I couldn't do drop off and pick up daily, as I always had before. So for two weeks (yes, just two weeks) DH did both. He had to rearrange some stuff at work to make it happen, but he didn't actually miss any work, just shifted his schedule a bit. I still packed lunch most days, got DD ready for school, communicated with the teacher, etc. I got home around the same time they did so he didn't have to do any additional childcare. And she was at school all day.

DH STILL talks about that two weeks as being two of the hardest weeks of parenting ever. Like harder than Covid. Because he had to be solely responsible for getting her to and from school.

Every time he mentions this I just want to scream. Imagine being this put out at having to take your child to and from school every day for a couple weeks. I just cannot even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

Same, absolutely cannot die. Had a surgery two years ago that had me out for a month and I was supposed to be on bed rest for 2 weeks. By day 4 I was up on my feet doing things because DH was so out of his depth. It set my healing way back but no way was my child going to be neglected just because I chose a hot ADHD mess as her dad.

PP here and yes. About a year and a half ago when I was still freelance, I took a job that meant I couldn't do drop off and pick up daily, as I always had before. So for two weeks (yes, just two weeks) DH did both. He had to rearrange some stuff at work to make it happen, but he didn't actually miss any work, just shifted his schedule a bit. I still packed lunch most days, got DD ready for school, communicated with the teacher, etc. I got home around the same time they did so he didn't have to do any additional childcare. And she was at school all day.

DH STILL talks about that two weeks as being two of the hardest weeks of parenting ever. Like harder than Covid. Because he had to be solely responsible for getting her to and from school.

Every time he mentions this I just want to scream. Imagine being this put out at having to take your child to and from school every day for a couple weeks. I just cannot even.

If I were you every time he brought this up I would say “I don’t get it. Are you saying I deserve more time off since I do this 100% of the time?” And “are you mentioning this because you think you need to split these up with me since it’s so hard?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with those saying if he can do it at work he can do it at home. For ADHD people, executive function is a depleteable resource. It’s very possible he’s barely holding on at work and has less left to give at home. It doesn’t justify becoming a lump on the couch, but it does explain just never getting a grip on the trash pickup or soccer game schedules.

And remember that work provides external structure, extrinsic rewards and constant validation- plus visible, public consequences. An intense job can conquer even the worst ADHD because it supplies constant dopamine and adrenaline. That’s also why ADHD can go undetected at school and in someone’s early 20s and why all of us women are startled to find ourselves with these men. The structure and rewards of school and early careers jobs make many ADHD people more successful than those who don’t have it! My DH ruled his 100-hour/week job in his early 20s because it perfectly suited someone who could hyperfocus and let everything else fall away.

There is no salary, promotion, or consequences for not taking out the trash or bungling soccer dropoff, and the boss is not going to stand up at the all hands and congratulate you for packing your kids’ lunches for the 90th time this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

I actually get mad about this and I think it’s fair. If I’m making and planning healthy dinners 90% of the time and DH can’t expend the same effort when it’s his turn, that means that if I want to take a night off from cooking and planning, he’s already used up our “unhealthy”/“easy” meal of the week. Since he never ever cooks or plans a healthy meal, I don’t feel like I can ever take the easy way out on my nights on because he’s so sloppy about nutrition and getting them sufficient calories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with those saying if he can do it at work he can do it at home. For ADHD people, executive function is a depleteable resource. It’s very possible he’s barely holding on at work and has less left to give at home. It doesn’t justify becoming a lump on the couch, but it does explain just never getting a grip on the trash pickup or soccer game schedules.

And remember that work provides external structure, extrinsic rewards and constant validation- plus visible, public consequences. An intense job can conquer even the worst ADHD because it supplies constant dopamine and adrenaline. That’s also why ADHD can go undetected at school and in someone’s early 20s and why all of us women are startled to find ourselves with these men. The structure and rewards of school and early careers jobs make many ADHD people more successful than those who don’t have it! My DH ruled his 100-hour/week job in his early 20s because it perfectly suited someone who could hyperfocus and let everything else fall away.

There is no salary, promotion, or consequences for not taking out the trash or bungling soccer dropoff, and the boss is not going to stand up at the all hands and congratulate you for packing your kids’ lunches for the 90th time this year.

Oohhh ... both the "depletion" comment above and "structure/consequences" point resonate, thanks. Never really understood how my project manager spouse couldn't do certain things at home (yet got better when his job became more structured but less interpersonal).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I'm the PP and while sometimes this is true, it's also true that men wield that "sometimes" as a weapon against their wives. It is very easy to say "you should just chill, the dishes can be done later" and "you should just chill, the kids don't need baths EVERY night" and "you should just chill, it's okay if Larlo is a little behind in math, he'll catch up" and "you should just chill, that rotting step on the back deck isn't that big of a deal -- we'll get to it eventually" and "you should just chill, we don't have to plan out our whole summer in January, camps surely don't fill up that fast," and "you should just chill, of course Larla can go to school today, it's probably just a cold," and so on and so on and son on.

A dynamic where a mom who worries about anything at all is "uptight" and has standards that are "too high" will always be an unequal dynamic, no matter how many things that mom decides to "just chill" on because her DH is using the dynamic to ensure he never has to do anything or worry about anything. He's relying on his wife to be NOT chill, and make sure that step gets fixed and research math tutors online and create a bath schedule so the kids don't go got school filthy, and know that actually, yeah, camps do fill up by February so you need to get on it, and Carla does not just have a cold since she's running a fever and can barely get out of bed so one of you (mom, obviously, since she's the not chill one) needs to stay home to take care of her. And the not chill mom will do all the stuff all while being told she's a helicopter mom and she worries to much. And DH gets to be soooooo chill and relaxed and roll his eyes at mom, sometimes in front of the kids and other parents. Lol, moms, amiright? They worry so much for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

I actually get mad about this and I think it’s fair. If I’m making and planning healthy dinners 90% of the time and DH can’t expend the same effort when it’s his turn, that means that if I want to take a night off from cooking and planning, he’s already used up our “unhealthy”/“easy” meal of the week. Since he never ever cooks or plans a healthy meal, I don’t feel like I can ever take the easy way out on my nights on because he’s so sloppy about nutrition and getting them sufficient calories.

I mean, you can have a second unhealhty/easy meal of the week if you'd like a break. It will be fine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

Well… was her point that when he’s tied up she still makes sure they eat well, but when it’s his turn it’s consistently a “blue moon”?

If it’s rare on both sides I agree with you but if he uses unhealthy quick fixes any time he’s on deck I’m not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

I actually get mad about this and I think it’s fair. If I’m making and planning healthy dinners 90% of the time and DH can’t expend the same effort when it’s his turn, that means that if I want to take a night off from cooking and planning, he’s already used up our “unhealthy”/“easy” meal of the week. Since he never ever cooks or plans a healthy meal, I don’t feel like I can ever take the easy way out on my nights on because he’s so sloppy about nutrition and getting them sufficient calories.

I used to notice this when I’d go out of town for a few days in a row. DH would order out *every night* I was gone. Finally, I framed it to him as: Our kids are going to think that women are responsible for cooking, and men don’t have to learn that self-sufficiency task. You are a GOOD cook, and used to cook often before we had kids!

Now if I go out of town for multiple days, they might still order out one night, but he’ll cook the other nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I agree that is true SOMETIMES. I see examples on DCUM all the time where I’m like, that lady needs to chill. But truly I run a bare minimum household, and DH can’t pick up even 20% of that. (DP)

Right - sometimes. Like I have a friend who was complaining to me the other day that she had a work dinner so her DH pulled through a McDonalds rather than cooking their kids a balanced meal like she does every night. CHILL. The kids are not going to get scurvy because they eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon, but she saw this as some huge parenting fail.

dp OR perhaps she was disappointed because all he had to do was make ONE dinner and he took the lazy way out. No, it isn't a parenting fail but, now dad is the "fun" one because he bought fast food. Meanwhile if Mom did that she would be called LAZY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home. So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

I'm the PP and while sometimes this is true, it's also true that men wield that "sometimes" as a weapon against their wives. It is very easy to say "you should just chill, the dishes can be done later" and "you should just chill, the kids don't need baths EVERY night" and "you should just chill, it's okay if Larlo is a little behind in math, he'll catch up" and "you should just chill, that rotting step on the back deck isn't that big of a deal -- we'll get to it eventually" and "you should just chill, we don't have to plan out our whole summer in January, camps surely don't fill up that fast," and "you should just chill, of course Larla can go to school today, it's probably just a cold," and so on and so on and son on.

A dynamic where a mom who worries about anything at all is "uptight" and has standards that are "too high" will always be an unequal dynamic, no matter how many things that mom decides to "just chill" on because her DH is using the dynamic to ensure he never has to do anything or worry about anything. He's relying on his wife to be NOT chill, and make sure that step gets fixed and research math tutors online and create a bath schedule so the kids don't go got school filthy, and know that actually, yeah, camps do fill up by February so you need to get on it, and Carla does not just have a cold since she's running a fever and can barely get out of bed so one of you (mom, obviously, since she's the not chill one) needs to stay home to take care of her. And the not chill mom will do all the stuff all while being told she's a helicopter mom and she worries to much. And DH gets to be soooooo chill and relaxed and roll his eyes at mom, sometimes in front of the kids and other parents. Lol, moms, amiright? They worry so much for no reason.

All of this. And he gets to be Fun Daddy while making her look bad. This dynamic is a marriage killer.