I told my parents that we aren't coming over for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

They invited me/dh over, why are we required to serve all of their friends and extended family? If they want the big hosting, why dont they actually, um idk, HOST? It's very frustrating. If they are so frail at 70+ then they shouldn't be having 20 people in their home and having to cook and clean for them instead of just shoving that responsibility onto their children. Just so they dont have to drive 30 minutes to someone elses home. I don't need anyone to wait on me hand and foot, but why am *I* waiting on them and their 20 guests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

They invited me/dh over, why are we required to serve all of their friends and extended family? If they want the big hosting, why dont they actually, um idk, HOST? It's very frustrating. If they are so frail at 70+ then they shouldn't be having 20 people in their home and having to cook and clean for them instead of just shoving that responsibility onto their children. Just so they dont have to drive 30 minutes to someone elses home. I don't need anyone to wait on me hand and foot, but why am *I* waiting on them and their 20 guests?

The reason you don't know how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" is because you know it's rude AF. And still you want these elderly people to bust their ass and do all the work while you sit on your ass? Just let your husband do it if you won't want to. I'd be embarrassed to be that person, but what's stopping you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

They invited me/dh over, why are we required to serve all of their friends and extended family? If they want the big hosting, why dont they actually, um idk, HOST? It's very frustrating. If they are so frail at 70+ then they shouldn't be having 20 people in their home and having to cook and clean for them instead of just shoving that responsibility onto their children. Just so they dont have to drive 30 minutes to someone elses home. I don't need anyone to wait on me hand and foot, but why am *I* waiting on them and their 20 guests?

The reason you don't know how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" is because you know it's rude AF. And still you want these elderly people to bust their ass and do all the work while you sit on your ass? Just let your husband do it if you won't want to. I'd be embarrassed to be that person, but what's stopping you?

As a guest of someone elses party yeah, I don't want to host or serve them. I don't see that as rude at all. Why should my husband have to serve them either? Just because his parents gave birth to him 40 years ago doesnt mean he is an indentured servant whenever he comes to their home.

If I was hosting them in my own home, then I do it, with who I want, and how I like. But apparently that's illegal on dcum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

They invited me/dh over, why are we required to serve all of their friends and extended family? If they want the big hosting, why dont they actually, um idk, HOST? It's very frustrating. If they are so frail at 70+ then they shouldn't be having 20 people in their home and having to cook and clean for them instead of just shoving that responsibility onto their children. Just so they dont have to drive 30 minutes to someone elses home. I don't need anyone to wait on me hand and foot, but why am *I* waiting on them and their 20 guests?

The reason you don't know how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" is because you know it's rude AF. And still you want these elderly people to bust their ass and do all the work while you sit on your ass? Just let your husband do it if you won't want to. I'd be embarrassed to be that person, but what's stopping you?

As a guest of someone elses party yeah, I don't want to host or serve them. I don't see that as rude at all. Why should my husband have to serve them either? Just because his parents gave birth to him 40 years ago doesnt mean he is an indentured servant whenever he comes to their home.

If I was hosting them in my own home, then I do it, with who I want, and how I like. But apparently that's illegal on dcum.

Then say the words, tough gal. What's stopping you? Tell your MIL how it's going to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

They invited me/dh over, why are we required to serve all of their friends and extended family? If they want the big hosting, why dont they actually, um idk, HOST? It's very frustrating. If they are so frail at 70+ then they shouldn't be having 20 people in their home and having to cook and clean for them instead of just shoving that responsibility onto their children. Just so they dont have to drive 30 minutes to someone elses home. I don't need anyone to wait on me hand and foot, but why am *I* waiting on them and their 20 guests?

The reason you don't know how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" is because you know it's rude AF. And still you want these elderly people to bust their ass and do all the work while you sit on your ass? Just let your husband do it if you won't want to. I'd be embarrassed to be that person, but what's stopping you?

As a guest of someone elses party yeah, I don't want to host or serve them. I don't see that as rude at all. Why should my husband have to serve them either? Just because his parents gave birth to him 40 years ago doesnt mean he is an indentured servant whenever he comes to their home.

If I was hosting them in my own home, then I do it, with who I want, and how I like. But apparently that's illegal on dcum.

Then say the words, tough gal. What's stopping you? Tell your MIL how it's going to be.

DH already mentioned something after our last event with them, but we're not 100% sure how to approach it yet. I'll be sure to update you after xmas XD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

OP, I totally get it. We have been through this with both my parents and DH's parents and it can be hard. Once we were married and had kids, we wanted to start creating some of our own traditions around holidays. We've always invited our families to join us for those traditions, but they are generally unwilling to travel (DH and I traveled for holidays into our mid-30s before finally deciding we wanted to spend some of these holidays at home).

One thing both sets of parents really struggled with was that we wanted to provide family holiday experiences for our kids, much as our parents provided those experiences for us as kids. 90% of my memories of holidays growing up occurred in our home. I never once spent Christmas morning at a relatives house, for instance. My grandmother and some aunts and uncles were sometimes present at our celebrations, and we sometimes would travel to a nearby family member's home the day after or the day before a holiday for extra family time. But mostly my parents hosted our immediate family, maybe a few extended family members who were in town, and then a few friends. And that's what DH and I want to do as well, but our parents have both been angry at the idea that we would host any of this.

Of course they also got mad about us having to split holidays between them when we got married.

Basically they are just resistant to change of any kind and also they're all a little bit self-centered and can't really understand any of this from anyone's perspective but their own.

OP here, yes, this resonates with me. I didn't relish my mother's reaction. I was not exactly surprised by it, but I had hoped she would react differently, maybe appreciate that she wouldn't have so much work to do. She often complains about all of the work she has to do, so I thought I was relieving some of that. She was literally complaining about that for a long time right before I told her. The work she was complaining about wasn't holiday related, but it will affect the holiday. That's enough.

This is all BS. You didn't think you were relieving her of any burdens. If you'd genuinely thought that you would have had a conversation with her like adults do, not presented it as a fait accompli.

Not presenting it as a fait accompli, asking, asking in a round about way. You are all ridiculous. OP is 40 years old with 2 kids. She doesn't need to ask if her mom is okay with her hosting Thanksgiving this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

Anyone who gets a monopoly on their 40 year old adult child's Thanksgiving and doesn't see that change will be coming? Well that says a lot more about them then the 40 year old child who spent their life accomodating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

Anyone who gets a monopoly on their 40 year old adult child's Thanksgiving and doesn't see that change will be coming? Well that says a lot more about them then the 40 year old child who spent their life accomodating.

This is such a bizarre take on family holiday traditions. Are you from a broken home and estranged from your entire family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

They invited me/dh over, why are we required to serve all of their friends and extended family? If they want the big hosting, why dont they actually, um idk, HOST? It's very frustrating. If they are so frail at 70+ then they shouldn't be having 20 people in their home and having to cook and clean for them instead of just shoving that responsibility onto their children. Just so they dont have to drive 30 minutes to someone elses home. I don't need anyone to wait on me hand and foot, but why am *I* waiting on them and their 20 guests?

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

Anyone who gets a monopoly on their 40 year old adult child's Thanksgiving and doesn't see that change will be coming? Well that says a lot more about them then the 40 year old child who spent their life accomodating.

This is such a bizarre take on family holiday traditions. Are you from a broken home and estranged from your entire family?

Quite the opposite. At some point, in functional families, the older generation makes way for the younger one and new traditions. It’s pretty unusual for a married 40 year old with children to keep showing up for her parents thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, actually, I told them that we had a menu and were preparing food, that they were welcome to join us if they wished, but that we would not be traveling for the holiday.

My mother looked like I had punched her in the gut and said nothing in response. My father just kept doing what he was doing. I'm not even sure if he heard what I said, but if he did, he didn't react or say anything in response.

We actually do have a nice menu planned for just DH, me, and two DCs. This will be our first Thanksgiving not at my parents' house.

(As far as why we have never celebrated with DH's parents, there are two sets of them and their holiday tables are full with others who live closer to them and are part of their current families. It's always been this way.)

So you're cutting off the half of your extended family who values your children and their presence?

If you view OP's post as "cutting off" family, then you need help. Why can't the parents come to her house for once? Why do these aging parents (usually boomers, lbh) insist on not passing the torch, even if it's every other year or whatever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

OP, I totally get it. We have been through this with both my parents and DH's parents and it can be hard. Once we were married and had kids, we wanted to start creating some of our own traditions around holidays. We've always invited our families to join us for those traditions, but they are generally unwilling to travel (DH and I traveled for holidays into our mid-30s before finally deciding we wanted to spend some of these holidays at home).

One thing both sets of parents really struggled with was that we wanted to provide family holiday experiences for our kids, much as our parents provided those experiences for us as kids. 90% of my memories of holidays growing up occurred in our home. I never once spent Christmas morning at a relatives house, for instance. My grandmother and some aunts and uncles were sometimes present at our celebrations, and we sometimes would travel to a nearby family member's home the day after or the day before a holiday for extra family time. But mostly my parents hosted our immediate family, maybe a few extended family members who were in town, and then a few friends. And that's what DH and I want to do as well, but our parents have both been angry at the idea that we would host any of this.

Of course they also got mad about us having to split holidays between them when we got married.

Basically they are just resistant to change of any kind and also they're all a little bit self-centered and can't really understand any of this from anyone's perspective but their own.

OP here, yes, this resonates with me. I didn't relish my mother's reaction. I was not exactly surprised by it, but I had hoped she would react differently, maybe appreciate that she wouldn't have so much work to do. She often complains about all of the work she has to do, so I thought I was relieving some of that. She was literally complaining about that for a long time right before I told her. The work she was complaining about wasn't holiday related, but it will affect the holiday. That's enough.

This is all BS. You didn't think you were relieving her of any burdens. If you'd genuinely thought that you would have had a conversation with her like adults do, not presented it as a fait accompli.

Not presenting it as a fait accompli, asking, asking in a round about way. You are all ridiculous. OP is 40 years old with 2 kids. She doesn't need to ask if her mom is okay with her hosting Thanksgiving this year.

Could not agree more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk to.

Are you the OP? I remember a similar post to this one like a week ago. Is this the same OP of both posts.

I am the OP, but I just started posting today. I wasn't using this site a week ago and I'm not an avid daily reader, so sorry if I'm repeating something too similar to someone else.

[Anonymous]

OP- there seem to be at least three different posters agreeing with me. I am on and off because I can't stay on here all day. I have other things to do, but this must have resonated with some people to get this many views...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

Anyone who gets a monopoly on their 40 year old adult child's Thanksgiving and doesn't see that change will be coming? Well that says a lot more about them then the 40 year old child who spent their life accomodating.

This is such a bizarre take on family holiday traditions. Are you from a broken home and estranged from your entire family?

Quite the opposite. At some point, in functional families, the older generation makes way for the younger one and new traditions. It’s pretty unusual for a married 40 year old with children to keep showing up for her parents thanksgiving.

This X1000