I told my parents that we aren't coming over for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

OP here- that was my question to the pp. I was wondering how someone could force another adult to do something at their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, never change dcum...

OP, good for you. I hope your parents come and enjoy their low-maintenance TG with the family. There is nothing wrong with starting your own family traditions. I havent read all the replies if you've posted it, but what is on the menu?

+1 I will never understand the DCUM mantra that you must travel any distance to spend holidays with grandparents, when most grandparents are perfectly capable of traveling to them. Particularly if means not having to make Thanksgiving dinner for a crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

No assumptions. It is extremely normal for an adult in their 40s with children of their own to want to host holidays. It's very common and not "shocking." Responding to this announcement as though you've been punched in the face, like it's an insult for someone to say "We are going to celebrate this holiday in our own home this year" is absolutely a dramatic overreaction.

Also, it's pretty clear that going to OP's parents' house is not a "beloved" family tradition. Maybe beloved by her mom, but it sounds like OP and her family don't love it that much and were doing it out of obligation.

That said, I have no problem with how you suggest phrasing it, but honestly we weren't there and can't read tone and for all we know that's pretty much what OP said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why you didn’t say “Hey Mom, we really want to do Thanksgiving at our house this year. The kids are really excited to host. I’m planning a whole menu but let me know if you want to bring anything or come early to help!” Especially if you’re an only child or dont have local siblings.

Sometimes I read dcum and am amazed at the total lack of social skills. They way you’ve described it sounds like you were deliberately trying to get a rise out of your mom.

People on this website act like robots with no human emotion! Except a little low key glee when people are upset, so they can say smugly in response: one needs boundaries, and no is a complete sentence. Beep boop.

Hahaha, this is hilarious. I completely agree!

[Anonymous]

I think what OP said and did was perfectly fine. It may give confidence to others that are making unpleasant trips out of obligation when all they really want is to stay home, to make the same liberating break.

The squawking ones are the boomer brigade which wants to OWN every holiday and force people to do what they want. OPs mom’s reaction was inappropriate not something to be coddled, normalized or encouraged. The ones angry that OP was direct are probably the manipulative boomer types who want you to beat around the bush so they can bulldoze right through whatever you are saying.

[Anonymous]

Who says "we have menu prepared and you are welcome to come to our house?"
What happened, hey, we are making it at our place this year come on over?

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP is a horrible cook and her mom was gutted punched that she might have to eat her food!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who says "we have menu prepared and you are welcome to come to our house?"
What happened, hey, we are making it at our place this year come on over?

Right?! Why not just talk like a regular PERSON? Everyone here is so cold and weird!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who says "we have menu prepared and you are welcome to come to our house?"
What happened, hey, we are making it at our place this year come on over?

Right?! Why not just talk like a regular PERSON? Everyone here is so cold and weird!

It's regular to boss people in their 70s around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP! I'm not sure why PPs are jumping down your throat about this but kudos to you for setting boundaries. It seems you've been at the receiving end of your mom's passive aggressive (manipulative?) tactics and you took a stand for yourself in a respectful, matter-of-fact way. Every child has to set boundaries with their parent(s) one day, perhaps this was yours? Own it and have a great Thanksgiving with or without your parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

Plus at that age, I think you've earned the right to sit on your ass.

Still, I'm all for everyone not travelling as much, and younger generations taking over hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk to.

Are you the OP? I remember a similar post to this one like a week ago. Is this the same OP of both posts.