Parents of three, do you feel less bonded to your third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The self righteousness of parents with two or less children commenting on this thread is laughable. The subject is "Parents of three...." and yet here you are, four pages into it with these mean and usless comments. Go away!

Three is perfect and I believe there's a season for every child; give yourself grace OP - we all have a stage that is hardest for us to parent and that usually makes the bonding harder as well. I have three, all the same gender and while every relationship is different, I believe they'd all say they are the favorite or least favorite depending on the day.

I don't think the input of other parents with 3 kids is that helpful when the impulse is to say "is love them all equally" or "no this is not a problem." For OP, it is a concern, so those responses aren't useful.

Whereas the responses from people who grew up in 3 kid families are actually useful. People are saying "here's what worked, here's what didn't." It's productive because OP can read them and get real input that could help her now. Even hearing from people who resented being one of three is useful, because if they explain why, OP can avoid those pitfalls.

I think the most useful advice on this thread is a to make sure all your kids have a firm role and identity in the family. That's advice specific to 3 kid families that not everyone heeds but can make a real difference in family harmony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the middle child you lose the bond with, if you had it to begin with. The baby is often the favorite, or the one you are most connected to. The middle loses their role.

Yep, 2nd child syndrome!
In my culture, they are the most problematic or troublemaker or the "black sheep", lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the middle child you lose the bond with, if you had it to begin with. The baby is often the favorite, or the one you are most connected to. The middle loses their role.

Yep, 2nd child syndrome!
In my culture, they are the most problematic or troublemaker or the "black sheep", lol.

Not if the second child is the super star of the family academically, athletically, socially, aesthetically, etc.

In our case, our second daughter is that and more. She has a big personality, but is amazing and definitely not a trouble maker or black sheep.

Oldest is great and I believe she feels secure of our love because she is the first at doing everything and does not feel the competition from her younger siblings.

Our third is the only boy and has a special bond with dad.

[Anonymous]

Answering the OP, no if anything right now it feels like an extra bond with the 3rd. He’s the cuddliest (well, actually his personality is not cuddly) but even so he is still the sweetest.

He’s 6, and he started the thing where he doesn’t hug. But he LOVES if I hug his side. Lol. His smile says it all though, he loves it. And he wants me to pick him up, sit by him to sleep. He talks with me the most.

He just naturally never liked kisses. His love language is not affection. But he’s still just very sweet and says thoughtful things.

[Anonymous]

Who cares if you are “bonded” to your 6 year old - I should certainly hope so! What matters is if it can be sustained through the teens years and into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

No! I have equally special bonds with all 3! I enjoyed my first and our special time being our only for a while, figuring out this parenthood thing, doing all the first baby things. So well-behaved and just the perfect first child— made me feel like a rockstar mom! And just when I thought I couldn’t love another kid more than my first, my second came along and made sure she was noticed!! A little more challenging and humbled me as a mom, but definitely the quintessential middle child (I’m also a middle child). So funny and so much charisma. Couldn’t love her more! And then the third is my super snuggly baby, and the last so I cherish all the last firsts! She’s the most challenging but everyone including her knows she’s my baby!

The reason I point out levels of challenge is because each kid in my case was progressively more challenging and I was expecting the reverse would be true. But I still have equally special bonds with each. I didn’t read the entire thread so I don’t know your reasons for asking, but your kid is your kid and barring any mental health issues on your part I can’t see why you’d have any issue connecting with your third if you already have special bonds with the other two ♥️

[Anonymous]

Crazy amount of non parents of 3 responding here….

OP, to answer your question as asked: no, I cannot say I relate to this and I don’t feel this way. But I DO wonder if a lot of it could have to do with how young your 3rd still is - depending on if you’re a toddler person or not, although their personality is obviously starting to show already….that will only increase, a lot - and if you’re not a big toddler person, in some ways this age can still often just feel like a lot of neediness and physical effort

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the middle child you lose the bond with, if you had it to begin with. The baby is often the favorite, or the one you are most connected to. The middle loses their role.

Yep, 2nd child syndrome!
In my culture, they are the most problematic or troublemaker or the "black sheep", lol.

Are you talking about second children who are also middle children, or just all second children? (Actually curious!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The self righteousness of parents with two or less children commenting on this thread is laughable. The subject is "Parents of three...." and yet here you are, four pages into it with these mean and usless comments. Go away!

Three is perfect and I believe there's a season for every child; give yourself grace OP - we all have a stage that is hardest for us to parent and that usually makes the bonding harder as well. I have three, all the same gender and while every relationship is different, I believe they'd all say they are the favorite or least favorite depending on the day.

+1 agree with all of this, including the request for the parents of two who are still constantly trying to justify / talk themselves into their decisions to pipe down.

But yes I feel bonded to all 3, in different ways and more or less so at different times. Kids go through phases, and I may feel more or less “bonded” to that kid as a person during said time…not that it changes in any way how I treat them or how much I love them. For instance, my oldest is in a tough phase right now - she’s having a hard time and is lashing out at me a lot. But she’s 5 and just started K and from talking to other moms, this is a pretty common thing regardless of # of siblings at home. I will continue to attempt to connect with and support her, just as I’ve always done, and I have no doubt she’ll be in the next phase before I know it. Meanwhile my second child is currently easy and fun and open and super interested in connecting with me, so yes I’d say (to strangers, anonymously and not in front of anyone) that I feel more bonded to him currently, but I’m aware that will shift multiple times over time. Kids are people too! My third is an adorable 1.5 year old and I’ve felt very bonded to him from day 1…and he’s still (essentially) a baby and there’s not that potential for complex dynamics just yet

So OP to answer your question, no I don’t feel less bonded to my third; I’d say I have a unique and ever-evolving relationship with each of my children, but also it doesn’t really occur to me to compare strengths of bonds. I can’t tell how serious this feels, but if you’re really not feeling connected at all to your 3rd and you’re concerned, I wonder if it could be PPD?

[Anonymous]

I answered earlier and I wanted to add that because each kid is unique, each bond is unique also and not really comparable. My eldest is 10 and we are very close in a more grown up way. We have the hugs and kisses, but we also have the “adult” talks.

With my second who is almost 8 I have a more intense relationship because she is a real mini me. I get her the best of any of my kids and she really feels as a part of me.

My third is our only boy and is 4.5. He is so sweet and cuddly, but also really young. We are at the discovery phase with him where his brains and language is increasing so much, but can’t quite have a complex two way conversation yet (as I have with my daughter).

Overall, I feel close and bonded to all 3 of my kids equally and when I miss that bond for a second, I make sure I make time for that bond to come back to its full strength with each one of them.

My kids are still young and I have no idea how things will evolve in the next 10-20 years, but I am their mom and I cannot even imagine not being super close and bonded to each one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the middle child you lose the bond with, if you had it to begin with. The baby is often the favorite, or the one you are most connected to. The middle loses their role.

Yep, 2nd child syndrome!
In my culture, they are the most problematic or troublemaker or the "black sheep", lol.

My parents are both middle children of 3. They had 2 kids. Take that how you will...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being the middle literally stopped me from creating one. My kids are 6 years apart, so same distance between oldest and youngest in my family of origin but without the middle.

Only way I would have had 3 is of the youngest were twins. That didn't happen. My oldest is responsible and independent. I do find I spoil the little one a bit more and she also is the jokester in the family. I do fancy dinner dates with the older so she also gets plenty of my attention and time. Never would I have a 3rd!!! Not enough time to do right by everyone.

Sounds like your first will have an only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crazy amount of non parents of 3 responding here….

OP, to answer your question as asked: no, I cannot say I relate to this and I don’t feel this way. But I DO wonder if a lot of it could have to do with how young your 3rd still is - depending on if you’re a toddler person or not, although their personality is obviously starting to show already….that will only increase, a lot - and if you’re not a big toddler person, in some ways this age can still often just feel like a lot of neediness and physical effort

Crazy amounts of parents of toddlers here! Like they know anything about bonding with teens or adults…

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's the middle child you lose the bond with, if you had it to begin with. The baby is often the favorite, or the one you are most connected to. The middle loses their role.

Maybe for you, but this is a generalization that does not account for ages, temperaments, etc. This question also wrongly presumes that a parent cannot be strongly bonded to three children. OP is a troll.

It's rare for parents to be equally bonded to all children, especially once you are in the 3+ category. It's ideal, but not that common. Some kids handle it better than others.

DP. Is that based on your personal experience? Or studies or something? I’m thinking about families I know with 3+ kids (my siblings, my friends growing up, extended family, etc) and I think most parents did have strong bonds with all their kids. Of course I grew up UMC with emotionally healthy people. Ymmv.

Based on years of private practice as a therapist, largely to UMC families, middle child syndrome is absolutely a real phenomenon. There is a great deal of literature on this. Birth order isn't everything, but there are common dynamics in families with 3+ children, and the overlooked or invisible middle child is quite common. Often layered with other dynamics.

I don't think this dynamic is automatic, and conscientious parents can take steps to counteract it. But people thinking if having more than 2 children, at any socioeconomic level, should be aware of these issues.

100% correct!

My parents are wealthy and I've always felt invisible as a middle

Op here. This is so interesting to me. If anything I favor my middle and worry about the baby being ignored. I wonder if it just comes down to individual family dynamics.

I have 3 and I think your question is very interesting, OP. I worried when my 3rd was little, too. Everything is fine and I feel very bonded to all of them.

Thank you. It just feels like I know the older two so well and the youngest is still such a baby it's like I don't know much about her if that makes sense.

OP I haven't read the whole thread beyond this so not sure if this helpful, but I had VERY similar feelings with my second. I definitely felt a difference in the first couple years because my oldest just felt like a little human with a personality that I knew deeply, and the baby was just, a baby. Who was he? I didn't know. I don't know, it just took some time. Now at 2.5 I feel like we are truly developing that really deep bond as I get to know him more. And everything is feeling equal in terms of bonding, just different relationships now due to different personalities.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP who mentioned that parents of 1 or 2 chiming in and being self righteous were not being helpful. Several responded that you had to respond because you were grown adults and the product of three children.

I neglected to point that out in my original post. I am the middle and as this thread would lead you to believe, the worst possible outcome - the second daughter followed by a baby brother. My husband is also a middle child. Guess what? WE LOVE THE DYNAMIC. Even if it at times, we felt the "burden" of being the middle, it made us both incredibly strong and resilant. As adults, we both are probably the closest to our parents - perhaps because of personality or because our parents are also middle children and so we are all crazy.

Any parent with any number of children will tell you if they are being honest that there are moments of bonding and seasons of challenges relating to their children. And any parent of more than one child has to figure out how to split their time, energy and love.

OP - this to shall pass. Do not read into these ridiculous comments. Anyone posting that they didn't have more children bc of their own childhood has more damage than birth order alone. It's absurd to chalk up all the hostility and negative energy to just one factor. Families with more children are more complicated and nuanced but there is also an incredible opportunity to have deep and meaningful sibling bonds that simply don't happen in smaller families. That's a fact.