Friend says I treated her "like an errand boy".

[Anonymous]

I think your friend maybe could be my sister.

She's a jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

It sounds like there may be a money/power dynamic at play that you are perhaps a bit obtuse about. I can feel the dynamic reading this post.

It seems like you are trying to be kind, but end up, probably unwittingly, throwing your weight around with money and it makes her feel small.

OP here .How can I avoid doing this in the future? She is fine with accepting these things but deep down feels hurt/discomfort/anger?? I'm just not understanding, but I would like to.

For example, she asked me if she could host her son's birthday at my house because I would have space for the amount of people she wanted to invite. She also didn't want to have to rent a space. I agreed to let her do it because I know she (and her guests) would take care of my house and I enjoy having gatherings anyway. I am not strongarming her into these things. That's where I'm not clear on how not to do these things.

Reread your previous post. You said you don't ask for money and she's never offered, when you have done favors for each other in the past. Then you venmo her $250 for a favor. Do you see that you are not treating her like a friend when you do that, and changing the dynamic?

Asking a friend to let your dog out, set up for a party, etc. is normal. Turning around and paying that friend for the next favor is treating her as an errand boy.

Then send the money back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

With the wine, I would have asked if others wanted wine and selected a bottle together, if they did indeed want wine. Ordering it for the table on your own tab and knowing she wouldn’t order it herself is generous, but also could have made her feel less-than.

Op here:

Re the wine, we were discussing what bottle we were going to get or if we just wanted to get ind glasses if we didn't both want the same type. She saw the type of wine on the menu and said "I had that once at a wedding and it was amazing, too expensive for everyday, though". I said, "Sounds tempting!". She continued raving about how great the wine was, so I ordered it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

It sounds like there may be a money/power dynamic at play that you are perhaps a bit obtuse about. I can feel the dynamic reading this post.

It seems like you are trying to be kind, but end up, probably unwittingly, throwing your weight around with money and it makes her feel small.

OP here .How can I avoid doing this in the future? She is fine with accepting these things but deep down feels hurt/discomfort/anger?? I'm just not understanding, but I would like to.

For example, she asked me if she could host her son's birthday at my house because I would have space for the amount of people she wanted to invite. She also didn't want to have to rent a space. I agreed to let her do it because I know she (and her guests) would take care of my house and I enjoy having gatherings anyway. I am not strongarming her into these things. That's where I'm not clear on how not to do these things.

Reread your previous post. You said you don't ask for money and she's never offered, when you have done favors for each other in the past. Then you venmo her $250 for a favor. Do you see that you are not treating her like a friend when you do that, and changing the dynamic?

Asking a friend to let your dog out, set up for a party, etc. is normal. Turning around and paying that friend for the next favor is treating her as an errand boy.

Okay, I understand. I sent the money because I was just so so grateful that she was able to do it and get it mailed same day. She literally saved the day. Multiple days actually. I wasn't trying to make her feel like I was tipping her, I was just really happy and grateful that she was able to make it happen. I will apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

OP still avoiding that question, what was the item you couldn't buy new for $250?

All this yapping op, 10 pages now? Still not answering the question bc you like trolling so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

OP still avoiding that question, what was the item you couldn't buy new for $250?

All this yapping op, 10 pages now? Still not answering the question bc you like trolling so much.

Does it matter what the item is? You think I'm a troll but does the item really make or break your opinion of this situation? Go sit down somewhere. FWIW, the item was a laptop and tablet in a case.

[Anonymous]

OP pities her friend for not having as much money as her. Friend is offended at being pitied. I get that. I've been on the receiving end of a friendship like this. At first it's great not to have to spend money but once you realize your friend's charitable intentions (pitying you makes them feel good about themselves), it doesn't feel good anymore.

[Anonymous]

PP, at what point does the person who is feeling pitied have to address if those feelings of inadequacy (while valid) are warranted? Just because I *feel* a certain way doesn't mean that's how the other person feels towards me.

[Anonymous]

OP, assuming you are not a troll, what are you looking for here?

I thought you were looking for help resolving a conflict with your friend. If that's the issue, you need to accept that your friend's perspective on this situation and your relationship dynamic might be valid from her position. You don't have to agree, but you have to accept that to her, this interaction made her feel used or diminished in some ways, and that experience is valid.

But it feels like you are just looking for people on here to say "she's a jerk, she's crazy, she sucks, she's wrong" so that you can feel good about your own behavior. That's fine if that's what you want, but then drop the pretense that you are trying to resolve the conflict. Because if all you want is to be right and for her to be wrong, you are actually pretty invested in the conflict and it will persist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, at what point does the person who is feeling pitied have to address if those feelings of inadequacy (while valid) are warranted? Just because I *feel* a certain way doesn't mean that's how the other person feels towards me.

Yes but the effect of behavior matters more than the intentions of the behavior.

I had a friend once who constantly sent me job listings and was suggesting new jobs for me. I liked my job and told her repeatedly that I wasn't looking to change jobs. I also wasn't interested in the jobs she sent me, which I think were more like what she though I should be doing and not what I actually wanted to do.

I really don't think she was trying to be judgmental or rude when she did this. I think she was trying to be helpful and it was done out of love and care for me. But the effect was that I felt judged by her, that I felt like she thought I was insufficiently ambitious or that she didn't respect my work. In the end, I asked her to stop because of how her behavior made me feel, even though I knew it was not her intent to make me feel that way. And to her credit, she did, because she came to understand that her behavior was not having the intended effect.

[Anonymous]

I'm like you, OP. I am very independent, never ask for help (think I'm not worth it) so when I do need help I am effusively grateful and tackily generous and spendy. Never change who you are, or apologize. Your friend just sounds like a royal witch honestly. Maybe you caught her on a bad day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

It sounds like there may be a money/power dynamic at play that you are perhaps a bit obtuse about. I can feel the dynamic reading this post.

It seems like you are trying to be kind, but end up, probably unwittingly, throwing your weight around with money and it makes her feel small.

OP here .How can I avoid doing this in the future? She is fine with accepting these things but deep down feels hurt/discomfort/anger?? I'm just not understanding, but I would like to.

For example, she asked me if she could host her son's birthday at my house because I would have space for the amount of people she wanted to invite. She also didn't want to have to rent a space. I agreed to let her do it because I know she (and her guests) would take care of my house and I enjoy having gatherings anyway. I am not strongarming her into these things. That's where I'm not clear on how not to do these things.

OP, I think you are fine. Your friend has issues.

[Anonymous]

So ... she felt put-out this one time. Don't do it again. It is too bad she didn't know her own feelings, ahead of the task, so she could have stated she didn't want to do it. Hopefully, she will be more self-aware, in the moment. Not after the fact.

It's not -whether it was ok or not ok to ask. That's not a question to ask. But now you both know and you move pass it.

[Anonymous]

why did a woman say errand boy - why not errand girl?

[Anonymous]

My friend is out of state and I went to his place to make him a document. He thanked me and Venmo’d me the shipping. The end. Paying that much over was weird.