Friend says I treated her "like an errand boy".
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Anonymous
| Is this that bad? I had to suddenly leave and go out of town. I realize that I left something important at home. I asked my friend if she could go to my house, get it, take it to the PO and overnight it to me. I told her I would of course pay for the shipping and compensate her for gas, etc. She agreed to do it and I cash app'd her $250. After she mailed it, she sent me the rec from the PO. It was $65 to ship. I thanked her profusely and confirmed that she got the cash app. Later that night she sent me a text saying how I treated her like an "errand boy". I'm confused as to what social norm I broke here? |
Anonymous
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Maybe it's the way you asked?
I would do this for a good friend and wouldn't take payment. Maybe she took offense you paid her? |
Anonymous
| She’s not a real friend. Sorry. That was a pretty huge favor to ask but a real friend would not have been snarky about it. I’m assuming the thing was actually important, like medicine or keys. |
Anonymous
| If she was okay going to your house and doing this for you when you asked, then the social norm you broke was by paying her $100+ to do it above shipping cost. It's either a favor (repay the cost of shipping) or a TaskRabbit (pay them for their time). |
Anonymous
I told her in the original text that I would pay her for gas (I live about 10 mins away) and shipping. I sent $250 because I was assuming that it would have cost around $100 to ship. The rest was for her doing me the favor/driving to my house and the post office. |
Anonymous
Who gets mad about getting paid for being inconvenienced? |
Anonymous
| Was it the item you asked to send? Instead of something important like medication was it a lucky pair of socks that she felt wasn't worth the emergency? |
Anonymous
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I bet she said that b/c you overpaid her.
It's awkwardly phrased, but sometimes texts don't come across how we want them to be. I'd call her and ask what she meant, see if she's truly mad at you. |
Anonymous
Someone who was doing a favor for a friend and made to feel cheap by the payment. This could be a particular problem in this friendship if OP has more money and throws it around regularly. Anyway, I don't see where it says she was mad, she just told OP how she made her feel. Cue everyone calling her names because she used her big girl words instead of stewing over it or going to DCUM to vent. |
Anonymous
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Hmm, the fact that you thanked her profusely and compensated her makes me think you’re fine.
BUT one question I’d ask is if you ask her to do other things for you, and if so, why is she the one you ask? Like do all your other friends have kids and she doesn’t? Or all your other friends work and she’s a SAHM? That kind of thing can lead to resentment over time. I once had a friend who asked for lots of favors and none were as big as you describe. But she asked with some frequency and eventually I realized I was her go to for that kind of thing, even though I never asked her for favors (I don’t ask for a lot of favors generally). Even though she was always nice about it, I did start to feel like she was treating me like an assistant and like she did not value my time or consider my time as valuable as hers. |
Anonymous
Was she mad? All she said was OP treated her like an errand boy.. which is true, she did. |
Anonymous
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15:37 again. Another question: if she’d said no, she couldn’t do it, would you have pressured her, come up with excuses why actually she could do it, or been upset with her? Or would you have gracefully accepted that no? That speaks to the power dynamics too.
The friend I had who asked for a lot of favors never accepted a no. When I did say no, she’d try to “problem solve” to turn it into a yes, or she’d pout about it. That played a big part in making me feel like she was using me, because it’s like didn’t have a choice if I wanted to maintain the friendship. I am not friends with this person anymore and this is a central reason why. |
Anonymous
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Yea. If I was willing to do this for a friend, I’d have been insulted by the extra $185. I’d even have been insulted by offering to pay gas. But I wouldn’t have said anything, just stewed and/or returned the extra.
I would have appreciated a useful souvenir from your trip, a bottle of wine or gift card for Starbucks/pedicure or even better, treating for a coffee/drinks/pedi “date” as a thank you. If you care, I’d just send her a clarification text saying you didn’t mean to make her feel that way, and suggest you get together for something fun when you get back. |
Anonymous
Agree with this. I would have sent her a massive, profusion thank you and then asked when she was free for dinner, my treat, when I got back. Friends don’t pay each other for services. A strong friendship doesn’t develop resentments over stuff like this because both people understand that if the situation was reversed, the person asking would also do the thing being asked. I’m betting OP is not at that level of friendship with this person, thus the awkwardness and resentment. You have to be careful about where you go for your “big asks.” |
Anonymous
| Some people are very fussy about pretending to not like money, and would have preferred a gift. |