Friend says I treated her "like an errand boy".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I think the friend was totally angling for OP to offer to buy the wine, by saying how great it was and also mentioning how she couldn't afford it. And now friend acts like that was "shady" so she can't be accused of taking advantage. Maybe she was embarrassed that OP went ahead and got the whole bottle.

And then she's also asked for huge favors like using OP's house for a party?! She doesn't get to act like the poor put upon errand boy who takes great offense at OP's generosity lol.

OP probably insisted that the friend use her house.

Wrong again.

She was telling me about how she didn’t want to have to rent a place for her child’s bday and they didn’t want to do it at their house. I asked what kind of place did she want in terms of a pizza place vs a park pavilion vs a water park. She said she wanted a place with an inside space for eating/games and yard for a bouncy house. Then she said “kind of like your house”. So I offered.

Sounds similar to the wine situation, lol. Guess you should stop offering since it makes her feel so terrible.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

It sounds like there may be a money/power dynamic at play that you are perhaps a bit obtuse about. I can feel the dynamic reading this post.

It seems like you are trying to be kind, but end up, probably unwittingly, throwing your weight around with money and it makes her feel small.

OP here .How can I avoid doing this in the future? She is fine with accepting these things but deep down feels hurt/discomfort/anger?? I'm just not understanding, but I would like to.

For example, she asked me if she could host her son's birthday at my house because I would have space for the amount of people she wanted to invite. She also didn't want to have to rent a space. I agreed to let her do it because I know she (and her guests) would take care of my house and I enjoy having gatherings anyway. I am not strongarming her into these things. That's where I'm not clear on how not to do these things.

OP, as the friend who usually has more money, this is something I have been sensitive to/aware of for a long time now.

Offering to watch her dog or host a party without having her pay is nice. You are clearly a giving friend and she is ok asking you to do these things. You paying her an exorbitant amount of money for a task she said she would do was weird because that was a way for her to pay you back for the things you have done. She doesn't pay you to do her favors - you paid her to do you one. She wanted to be your FRIEND, and your friendship consists of you doing nice things for her for free. She had a chance to reciprocate and you paid her for it. That's not letting her be a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update, I apologized. I said,

Hey, I'm really sorry if I offended you by sending extra money or if you felt put upon when I asked you to do me a favor. I know we talked about it earlier, but you still seem to be upset. You mentioned the wine at dinner, but didn't elaborate. I don't know what you would like me to do differently but if you tell me, I can try. I apologize for hurting you.

Here's her reply:
"It's nothing for you to apologize for. It's not the money and it's not that you asked me to do it. I was happy to do it for you, my friend. It's just that you have so many people around you all the time. It's like you don't need me. You left and ran off to your second home and only told me as you were packing your things."

(Second message a few mins later)"About the wine, idk, like it was just weird. You were gonna get a glass and offered to get me a glass as well which was cool since I wasn't going to spend money on a pricey wine but then when the waiter came you asked for a bottle. I just think that was shady and weird. But it's fine."


So... I don't even know where to go with this. I told her as I was packing because I found out a few hours before I had to leave. She's making it sound like I planned a vacation and didn't tell her. As far as the wine situation, once you're buying more than 1.5 glasses of wine, it's usually just cheaper to get the bottle (and it was!). Ugh, I'm trying to give her grace and to understand my errors but she's not giving me much to go on.

OP, I think you've done what you can do. When I'm in a situation like that, I apologize, like you did, and then I let it go. If your friend wants to continue to be upset after you have tried to understand and explain and apologize, you need to not let it bother you. I think you tried and now it's on her.

[Anonymous]

Hello, OP here.

You guys gave me good advice about this friend and I have a follow up question.

She asked me to hem the skirts and pants for her kids school uniforms for back to school. She said to let her know how much it’ll be. I’m thinking that I won’t charge her at all since I have the skills and I’m happy to help, but I feel like she might think I’m treating her weirdly again. What would you prefer?

A. Charge her a nominal amount like $5 per item
B. Don’t charge at all
C. Ask her to just pay for materials/give a flat fee of $20 or so?

TIA!

[Anonymous]

I would do B and say something like you would love to help Larla/Larlo get ready for school and since you don't have many opportunities to do much for them these days as they are getting older, you won't accept a payment.

I'm make it like you were doing the favor for the kids, and not for her, so no $ necessary.

[Anonymous]

Op here,

Thanks! This should work. Even if I charged $5 an item, it would be over $100 total so I’m glad to just avoid payment in general!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello, OP here.

You guys gave me good advice about this friend and I have a follow up question.

She asked me to hem the skirts and pants for her kids school uniforms for back to school. She said to let her know how much it’ll be. I’m thinking that I won’t charge her at all since I have the skills and I’m happy to help, but I feel like she might think I’m treating her weirdly again. What would you prefer?

A. Charge her a nominal amount like $5 per item
B. Don’t charge at all
C. Ask her to just pay for materials/give a flat fee of $20 or so?

TIA!

This is so weird! I can't imagine charging a friend for my labor. Op, if this is on your mind at all, maybe carefully consider if you can continue to be there for her. But for sure don't trade favors like a budget !

[Anonymous]

OP, are you and she too entwined? Would be for me, probably for many people.

[Anonymous]

Lol, this woman is obviously NOT your friend! She's negging you to make you feel obligated to do favors for her. And you fall for it every time.