Friend says I treated her "like an errand boy".

[Anonymous]

I just read this whole thread. Clearly I have too much time on my hands. What happened here is pretty obvious: OP clearly offended the friend by paying her so much. The one question that has been asked or answered is: does OP have more money than the friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this problem could have been resolved by not communicating via text.

A request like this merits a phone call.

And figuring out what her text meant also merits a phone call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just talk to her in real life and ask her what she meant by her comment!

Why waste time here asking strangers?

THIS. It is highly likely the entire situations is the fault of having this exchange over text. If you just talk to her, you can clear the whole thing up. Be clear and direct. Let her know you don't think of her as your "errand boy" and are worried you may have offended, but have thought through the situation and really can't figure out what you might have done wrong.

Most likely this is a miscommunication issue and you just need to connect, rehash, and move on.

The people recommending you drop her as a friend (she just did you big favor! yes you paid her but she didn't ask to be paid) because of ONE text that you haven't even discussed with her? Sorry that is nuts. If you do stuff like that you are going to wind up 50 years old with NO FRIENDS.

Grow up and have an actual conversation.

[Anonymous]

Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

It sounds like there may be a money/power dynamic at play that you are perhaps a bit obtuse about. I can feel the dynamic reading this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

It sounds like there may be a money/power dynamic at play that you are perhaps a bit obtuse about. I can feel the dynamic reading this post.

It seems like you are trying to be kind, but end up, probably unwittingly, throwing your weight around with money and it makes her feel small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

It sounds like there may be a money/power dynamic at play that you are perhaps a bit obtuse about. I can feel the dynamic reading this post.

This is so weird to me. You can either take advantage of the benefits of being friends with someone or you feel uncomfortable with their money. You can't have it both ways. Ala the "my friend got me space a country club for my dad's funeral but now I want to uninvite her to said funeral" post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

It sounds like there may be a money/power dynamic at play that you are perhaps a bit obtuse about. I can feel the dynamic reading this post.

It seems like you are trying to be kind, but end up, probably unwittingly, throwing your weight around with money and it makes her feel small.

OP here .How can I avoid doing this in the future? She is fine with accepting these things but deep down feels hurt/discomfort/anger?? I'm just not understanding, but I would like to.

For example, she asked me if she could host her son's birthday at my house because I would have space for the amount of people she wanted to invite. She also didn't want to have to rent a space. I agreed to let her do it because I know she (and her guests) would take care of my house and I enjoy having gatherings anyway. I am not strongarming her into these things. That's where I'm not clear on how not to do these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read this whole thread. Clearly I have too much time on my hands. What happened here is pretty obvious: OP clearly offended the friend by paying her so much. The one question that has been asked or answered is: does OP have more money than the friend?

Offended why??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

It sounds like there may be a money/power dynamic at play that you are perhaps a bit obtuse about. I can feel the dynamic reading this post.

It seems like you are trying to be kind, but end up, probably unwittingly, throwing your weight around with money and it makes her feel small.

OP here .How can I avoid doing this in the future? She is fine with accepting these things but deep down feels hurt/discomfort/anger?? I'm just not understanding, but I would like to.

For example, she asked me if she could host her son's birthday at my house because I would have space for the amount of people she wanted to invite. She also didn't want to have to rent a space. I agreed to let her do it because I know she (and her guests) would take care of my house and I enjoy having gatherings anyway. I am not strongarming her into these things. That's where I'm not clear on how not to do these things.

Reread your previous post. You said you don't ask for money and she's never offered, when you have done favors for each other in the past. Then you venmo her $250 for a favor. Do you see that you are not treating her like a friend when you do that, and changing the dynamic?

Asking a friend to let your dog out, set up for a party, etc. is normal. Turning around and paying that friend for the next favor is treating her as an errand boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered.

With the wine, I would have asked if others wanted wine and selected a bottle together, if they did indeed want wine. Ordering it for the table on your own tab and knowing she wouldn’t order it herself is generous, but also could have made her feel less-than.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's because you paid her. I would never expect to be paid for something like this. I'd expect to be reimbursed for postage, but $250 for a $65 package? WTF? I don't work for you, you don't need to TIP ME.

[Anonymous]

Ooooh, I Just read OP's updates. OP, you are a jerk. You have more money than her, you pity her, you spend money on her because you feel sorry for her. She is insulted because you think she needs. your money. You're kind of gross, OP.

[Anonymous]

I call troll. The wine anecdote was part of another thread about a friendship and money dynamics, with the OP being the richer friend. Can’t remember details, but similar thread where OP started out sounding reasonable and then slowly trickled out details that made her both less sympathetic and less reliable of a narrator.

[Anonymous]

Don't know if it's a troll, but as the story is told, true friend is embarrassed about being poorer than her friend, but wants the benefits of a rich friend, and can't get over herself.

OP, you're stuck. You can't fix an insecure person. She has to either enjoy your money, or actually walk the talk about being too proud to accept things she can't afford. Best you can do is quickly apologize when she complains, adjust to her demands, and then forget about it. Anything you try to do to fix the situation will restart the cycle of embarrassment and backlash.
Only give to her in ways she feels don't count -- your labor, and borrowing your stuff. No gifts or cash.