Unpopular truth: If you don't maintain your value, your successful DH will move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These scenarios happen all the time. Make your own money.

But then who raises children? Does the stay-at-home parent get an allowance to take care of the house and raise children then with a portion going to retirement? Maybe everything becomes transactional?

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:I wrote about this thread today in my daily blog post:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2023/07/25/update072523

Some of you may find what I have to say to be interesting.

I would love to hear more about your discovery process - patterns to this person's other posts that made you think it was the husband rather than the friend?

Honestly these posts are kind of the highlight of DCUM for me now. Thank you for doing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am a BigLaw partner and recently had practice group chair complain to me that another partner in group was not engaged because his spouse was overly demanding on emotional issues related to a death in her family (like OP's post, the death had occurred at least six months prior). In my experience, the business world is understanding during a crisis event like a terminal illness, sudden death, etc. but has little patience thereafter, especially if the employee is NOT the directly affected person.

So true. People don't like to hear it but op's post is reality.

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:

jsteele wrote:I wrote about this thread today in my daily blog post:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2023/07/25/update072523

Some of you may find what I have to say to be interesting.

I would love to hear more about your discovery process - patterns to this person's other posts that made you think it was the husband rather than the friend?

Honestly these posts are kind of the highlight of DCUM for me now. Thank you for doing them.

I don't want to comment on that but I think that if you re-read the OP's posts with the view that he is the husband, everything makes a lot more sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man who marries his mistress creates a job vacancy OP. You can’t say you haven’t been shown the kind of man this dude is.

She’ll still have the house and the kids and the insurance if he’s as keen as you say on keeping up the idea it was mutual. Not to worry.

Nope. Selling the house next year. Custody is 50-50, though I imagine my friend will wind up more at 65-35 given his work conferences and other obligations. He most certainly can drop her from his insurance and make her get Obamacare or whatever dinky insurance her eventual employer provides.

^^ Like this post makes sense if it is the OP DH sock puppeting that he’s gonna drop her from insurance and make her get dinky healthcare - for the mother of his own children. Blimey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am a BigLaw partner and recently had practice group chair complain to me that another partner in group was not engaged because his spouse was overly demanding on emotional issues related to a death in her family (like OP's post, the death had occurred at least six months prior). In my experience, the business world is understanding during a crisis event like a terminal illness, sudden death, etc. but has little patience thereafter, especially if the employee is NOT the directly affected person.

So true. People don't like to hear it but op's post is reality.

Is this a DC-based mommy blog so many of us have actually lived this issue. You'll find that ditching the spouse is the minority view in real life.

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

jsteele wrote:I wrote about this thread today in my daily blog post:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2023/07/25/update072523

Some of you may find what I have to say to be interesting.

I would love to hear more about your discovery process - patterns to this person's other posts that made you think it was the husband rather than the friend?

Honestly these posts are kind of the highlight of DCUM for me now. Thank you for doing them.

I don't want to comment on that but I think that if you re-read the OP's posts with the view that he is the husband, everything makes a lot more sense.

My favorite part of the OP is "she's a "feeling" person" which no woman would ever say. I think you nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man who marries his mistress creates a job vacancy OP. You can’t say you haven’t been shown the kind of man this dude is.

She’ll still have the house and the kids and the insurance if he’s as keen as you say on keeping up the idea it was mutual. Not to worry.

Nope. Selling the house next year. Custody is 50-50, though I imagine my friend will wind up more at 65-35 given his work conferences and other obligations. He most certainly can drop her from his insurance and make her get Obamacare or whatever dinky insurance her eventual employer provides.

^^ Like this post makes sense if it is the OP DH sock puppeting that he’s gonna drop her from insurance and make her get dinky healthcare - for the mother of his own children. Blimey.

People are so messed up these days. For one, going on a moms' forum just to do this. How did all these men even get on here? And then to imitate someone else. And then to actually do this in real life or bring it up as a hypothetical? How did men get to this place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got involved in supporting DH's business venture. I didn't believe in it at first (concept is selling t-shirts as t-shorts, sporty pants) but he says it's getting a lot of start-up investor interest. The launch date has gone from the 12th of Never to mid November, lol. Anyhoo becoming involved in the business has really elevated my appearance and all round confidence. I'm all round confident, but not all round. lol. Lost 4 lbs in the last 7 months. Thank me later.

Yes, working will do that. You should make sure you are getting paid on the books and listed as co-owner, not donating your labor.

PP, thank you for engaging with me. (Let's get engaged! lol.) But seriously I will bring those subjects up with DH. He says a lot investors are excited about t-shorts. It was my idea (eye-dia?) to call the head hole the cool breeze portal and apparently everyone DH pitches on it loves it. You put your legs through through the armholes and the portal keeps you cool, which in this weather, is not a bad thing lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got involved in supporting DH's business venture. I didn't believe in it at first (concept is selling t-shirts as t-shorts, sporty pants) but he says it's getting a lot of start-up investor interest. The launch date has gone from the 12th of Never to mid November, lol. Anyhoo becoming involved in the business has really elevated my appearance and all round confidence. I'm all round confident, but not all round. lol. Lost 4 lbs in the last 7 months. Thank me later.

Yes, working will do that. You should make sure you are getting paid on the books and listed as co-owner, not donating your labor.

PP, thank you for engaging with me. (Let's get engaged! lol.) But seriously I will bring those subjects up with DH. He says a lot investors are excited about t-shorts. It was my idea (eye-dia?) to call the head hole the cool breeze portal and apparently everyone DH pitches on it loves it. You put your legs through through the armholes and the portal keeps you cool, which in this weather, is not a bad thing lol.

Wait, so are these like PJ’s with a trap door, except there is no door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is a retired big law partner, and when my moms parents, who lived nearby, were dying, he was there with her, and my grandparents, who loved him, as much as he could be. Your friends husband sounds like a d*ck.

OP here. I should have known that DCUM would twist what I said into a slam on my friend. I feel for her and think he's a jerk. But that doesn't put food on the table nor does it keep her in the house.

That's the key phrase: "as much as he could be". But what if, like my friend, the wife demands more than what the DH can give. Law partners have deals to get done or need to take a case to trial; doctors have research to conduct and patients to treat.

You can't say "sorry your Honor, my wife is having trouble dealing with her Dad passing away over six months ago so I can't take the case to trial and I need a continuance". Or "sorry Stage IV Cancer patient, my wife spent the morning crying so I wasn't able to design your drug regimen yet". We like to talk in ideals, but the world is complicated. That's what I was trying to explain to my friend, because holding her husband to her standard of what her husband SHOULD be, when he brings in so much money. Why push him to the point where he wants to take away your health insurance, your time with the kids, your ability to live in your beautiful house? Why?

LOL, that's exactly what he can do--more or less. He must work at a shit firm or be a poor partner if he doesn't have a deep well of resources to draw on, in other partner and associate relationships, to make sure he's there for his family. I work at one of the most cut-throat firms but let me tell you, the most successful partners step away for their families and trust their colleagues to handle when there's a crisis. I'm not saying you bow out of trial, but if you're a good enough lawyer that stuff becomes easy at some point. You take care of your family. That's literally the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

100% understand Jeff playing this one close to the vest, but surely there are some DCUM'ers with too much time on their hands to comb the archives to try to identify other potentially related threads? Or is there an AI for that now?

[Anonymous]

Virginia being a fault-based state for divorce, one would expect the wife to allege adultery if she can gather any sort of "clear and convincing evidence".

But the family also got used to the wife's servitude and devotion to their needs. If she was a mess and not keeping up to that standard, I could see the husband countering with an allegation of desertion. Fact is it would likely be easier to prove wife was off her game and wasn't getting it together. I mean, SAHM to two fairly old kids? C'mon.

[Anonymous]

It's so weird when someone latches on to a greedy selfish partner in an attempt to ride his coattails to unearned welath for herself, and he turns out to be greedy and selfish!

[Anonymous]

Now that I know the real provenance of this story, I am rooting for "feeling" mom to live her best life after dropping this dead weight DH. So glad for her that she will be compensated for putting up with him all these years with a great alimony arrangement. Maybe that was her plan all along . . . why pretend to be a "fun loving" replacement mom who has to keep up a charade when you can keep the money but ditch the narcissist simply by having emotional needs? First wives for the win!

I feel a little sorry for the OW in this scenario who is going to have to WORK IT just to get half as good of a lifestyle as first wife got. But I assume she's going into this with eyes wide open. Only a fool would think he wouldn't do the same thing to you as he's doing WITH you.

The kids get the greatest share of my sympathies, but their father is a transactional, materialistic, self-absorbed person whether he's married to their mom or not. I hope they have a good family therapist lined up.