Unpopular truth: If you don't maintain your value, your successful DH will move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got involved in supporting DH's business venture. I didn't believe in it at first (concept is selling t-shirts as t-shorts, sporty pants) but he says it's getting a lot of start-up investor interest. The launch date has gone from the 12th of Never to mid November, lol. Anyhoo becoming involved in the business has really elevated my appearance and all round confidence. I'm all round confident, but not all round. lol. Lost 4 lbs in the last 7 months. Thank me later.

Yes, working will do that. You should make sure you are getting paid on the books and listed as co-owner, not donating your labor.

Hi dcum shirts as shorts poster. It’s good to see you again! We ordered 20 shirt shorts last season and wanted to say they are the best thing we’ve ever bought! So thankful to have found your services!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that I know the real provenance of this story, I am rooting for "feeling" mom to live her best life after dropping this dead weight DH. So glad for her that she will be compensated for putting up with him all these years with a great alimony arrangement. Maybe that was her plan all along . . . why pretend to be a "fun loving" replacement mom who has to keep up a charade when you can keep the money but ditch the narcissist simply by having emotional needs? First wives for the win!

I feel a little sorry for the OW in this scenario who is going to have to WORK IT just to get half as good of a lifestyle as first wife got. But I assume she's going into this with eyes wide open. Only a fool would think he wouldn't do the same thing to you as he's doing WITH you.

The kids get the greatest share of my sympathies, but their father is a transactional, materialistic, self-absorbed person whether he's married to their mom or not. I hope they have a good family therapist lined up.

Re the bolded, don't worry, the kids are going to have so much fun with the step mom!

[Anonymous]

Wow this is not what I thought this thread was going to be about when I clicked on it. If my husband told me he “didn’t have the bandwidth” to deal with me grieving the loss of my PARENT…I’d be the one kicking him to the curb! You “warned her” not to go to him for support on this? Who wants a marriage like that?!

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

jsteele wrote:I wrote about this thread today in my daily blog post:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2023/07/25/update072523

Some of you may find what I have to say to be interesting.

I would love to hear more about your discovery process - patterns to this person's other posts that made you think it was the husband rather than the friend?

Honestly these posts are kind of the highlight of DCUM for me now. Thank you for doing them.

I don't want to comment on that but I think that if you re-read the OP's posts with the view that he is the husband, everything makes a lot more sense.

Just re-read it. OP is 100% the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend's husband just told her a few weeks ago that they're separating and divorcing. They had been in couples therapy for a few weeks but now he's done. She had been a drag the last year and the spark died. She's a "feeling" person so when her Dad passed away and she dealt with her Mom, she looked to her husband for support. I warned her that he's really successful and busy and for her lifestyle she has to figure out how to manage without burdening him. She said he had told her that he just didn't have the bandwidth for this, particularly as she has a therapist and meds plus plenty of time as a SAHM to deal with those things.

Unfortunately she didn't listen to me and he started looking around. Turns out the husband met someone else he feels is a better fit for his lifestyle, and if it proceeds would be a fun stepmom for their two boys. Now my friend is trying to grind through each day while DH has moved on. I really want to tell my friend that for her own good she shouldn't play the victim, don't go bashing him and go along with telling people that it was mutual. Take the high road. You can love your husband and love your kids, but ultimately you need to maintain your worth and not go draining people if you want to maintain your lifestyle. How do I explain that to her, give her the tough love, without just damaging her more?

Exit her life immediately and totally. Tell her you realize you are a grade A jerk and idiot and you have bought into every stupid trope that women should SERVE men and not "burden" or bother them. You are the worst friend who ever lived. You will do her a huge favor by never speaking to her again because you speak pure poison.

Why are you so absurdly melodramatic? DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man who marries his mistress creates a job vacancy OP. You can’t say you haven’t been shown the kind of man this dude is.

She’ll still have the house and the kids and the insurance if he’s as keen as you say on keeping up the idea it was mutual. Not to worry.

Nope. Selling the house next year. Custody is 50-50, though I imagine my friend will wind up more at 65-35 given his work conferences and other obligations. He most certainly can drop her from his insurance and make her get Obamacare or whatever dinky insurance her eventual employer provides.

Lol! This sounds exactly like the story a divorcing guy sells the new spouse— don’t worry she’s not getting anything, don’t worry she’ll have the kids most of the time. Honey she won’t have an “eventual employer” in Virginia she’s going to get alimony.

Next year is a long way away. Plenty of time for him to realize his children hating him and his parents disappointment is not worth it.

By all means keep deluding yourself. But better would be to find an actually single guy to date.

No, “honey,” she will have to get a job. Sorry that bothers you for some bizarre reason, but oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man who marries his mistress creates a job vacancy OP. You can’t say you haven’t been shown the kind of man this dude is.

She’ll still have the house and the kids and the insurance if he’s as keen as you say on keeping up the idea it was mutual. Not to worry.

Nope. Selling the house next year. Custody is 50-50, though I imagine my friend will wind up more at 65-35 given his work conferences and other obligations. He most certainly can drop her from his insurance and make her get Obamacare or whatever dinky insurance her eventual employer provides.

Lol! This sounds exactly like the story a divorcing guy sells the new spouse— don’t worry she’s not getting anything, don’t worry she’ll have the kids most of the time. Honey she won’t have an “eventual employer” in Virginia she’s going to get alimony.

Next year is a long way away. Plenty of time for him to realize his children hating him and his parents disappointment is not worth it.

By all means keep deluding yourself. But better would be to find an actually single guy to date.

No, “honey,” she will have to get a job. Sorry that bothers you for some bizarre reason, but oh well.

Is that you OP? I guess you weren’t so successful after all then if you have so few assets to divide. She’ll get alimony, especially since you’re cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, I hope you’re trolling us, op.

This is cleary a made up scenario.

[Anonymous]

Obviously this is a troll but I know that people do, indeed, think that a "high value man" will leave if his wife gains weight or whatever. If I was the wife in that scenario I'd be sad, but at the same time who wants to be married to somebody who will dump the mother of his children if she is no longer super attractive or starts wanting emotional support? That kind of man is not worthy of a woman's efforts or attention.

[Anonymous]

I have just recently learned that "high value" and "low value" men and women is Andrew Tate Speak, and ew. So much ew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have just recently learned that "high value" and "low value" men and women is Andrew Tate Speak, and ew. So much ew.

I know, I'm the PP who used that term and I hate it but I figure it works with the horribly misogynistic perspective that OP is working from. And I am 99% sure OP has said at some point in his life "yeah Andrew Tate has said some controversial things but it was just for shock value and when you really listen to him he makes some good points."

[Anonymous]

This story and your friend’s DH are stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that I know the real provenance of this story, I am rooting for "feeling" mom to live her best life after dropping this dead weight DH. So glad for her that she will be compensated for putting up with him all these years with a great alimony arrangement. Maybe that was her plan all along . . . why pretend to be a "fun loving" replacement mom who has to keep up a charade when you can keep the money but ditch the narcissist simply by having emotional needs? First wives for the win!

I feel a little sorry for the OW in this scenario who is going to have to WORK IT just to get half as good of a lifestyle as first wife got. But I assume she's going into this with eyes wide open. Only a fool would think he wouldn't do the same thing to you as he's doing WITH you.

The kids get the greatest share of my sympathies, but their father is a transactional, materialistic, self-absorbed person whether he's married to their mom or not. I hope they have a good family therapist lined up.

+1. OP has disappeared into the wind. Truth hurts OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now that I know the real provenance of this story, I am rooting for "feeling" mom to live her best life after dropping this dead weight DH. So glad for her that she will be compensated for putting up with him all these years with a great alimony arrangement. Maybe that was her plan all along . . . why pretend to be a "fun loving" replacement mom who has to keep up a charade when you can keep the money but ditch the narcissist simply by having emotional needs? First wives for the win!

I feel a little sorry for the OW in this scenario who is going to have to WORK IT just to get half as good of a lifestyle as first wife got. But I assume she's going into this with eyes wide open. Only a fool would think he wouldn't do the same thing to you as he's doing WITH you.

The kids get the greatest share of my sympathies, but their father is a transactional, materialistic, self-absorbed person whether he's married to their mom or not. I hope they have a good family therapist lined up.

Re the bolded, don't worry, the kids are going to have so much fun with the step mom!

Hahahah yes nothing step kids love more than hanging out with the woman who wants to replace their mom and take all their dad's attention!

[Anonymous]

A man who leaves his wife is never considered a high-value man by anyone. He is always a scumbag.