Unpopular truth: If you don't maintain your value, your successful DH will move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend's husband just told her a few weeks ago that they're separating and divorcing. They had been in couples therapy for a few weeks but now he's done. She had been a drag the last year and the spark died. She's a "feeling" person so when her Dad passed away and she dealt with her Mom, she looked to her husband for support. I warned her that he's really successful and busy and for her lifestyle she has to figure out how to manage without burdening him. She said he had told her that he just didn't have the bandwidth for this, particularly as she has a therapist and meds plus plenty of time as a SAHM to deal with those things.

Unfortunately she didn't listen to me and he started looking around. Turns out the husband met someone else he feels is a better fit for his lifestyle, and if it proceeds would be a fun stepmom for their two boys. Now my friend is trying to grind through each day while DH has moved on. I really want to tell my friend that for her own good she shouldn't play the victim, don't go bashing him and go along with telling people that it was mutual. Take the high road. You can love your husband and love your kids, but ultimately you need to maintain your worth and not go draining people if you want to maintain your lifestyle. How do I explain that to her, give her the tough love, without just damaging her more?

The spark died in A YEAR and he’s filing for divorce? With minor children? I’ll take Things That Did Not Happen for $1,000, Alex.

For the last year. Since her dad died.

Thanks for this warning OP. A reminder to all you DCUM biddies not to bother your high earner/executive DHs with your annoying grief if you want to maintain a good strong marriage. A spouse is only meant for financial support, not emotional support. You’re such a good friend for having told her so.

/S

[Anonymous]

Damn. He's a jerk, and so are you. Sounds like she's better off without him. What kind of jerk can't be emotionally supportive when their spouses' dad dies? Cause he's "too busy"?

Ugh, I'd way rather be single that saddled with that dillweed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is either the new woman or the DH. Or a really sh!tty friend.

The wife/friend doesn’t need any of you. She needs a really good divorce atty. Best thing you can do is find her one and then leave her alone to find better friends.

This was my first thought. Or that she is hoping to be.

[Anonymous]

Trolling away today.

[Anonymous]

It had taken a few lows for me to realize this but no matter how busy a spouse is, if they are a good person who loves you, they will be there to support you completely. Your friend needs better advice!! She should not be shamed by you because the dh is the filthy scum here. It's OK for everyone to acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone views relationships at transactional, OP. Nor is it a universal truth that wealth = success, or that success means you don't have to care about your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is a retired big law partner, and when my moms parents, who lived nearby, were dying, he was there with her, and my grandparents, who loved him, as much as he could be. Your friends husband sounds like a d*ck.

My uncle by marriage who is very successful did leave his wife (my moms sister) due to numerous real issues. But you know what? It absolutely was not to find a “fun stepmother” and he remained incredibly loyal and supportive through many travails on “our” side of the family. Because he’s just a good person with a strong value of loyalty- and wants to support his kids grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is either the new woman or the DH. Or a really sh!tty friend.

The wife/friend doesn’t need any of you. She needs a really good divorce atty. Best thing you can do is find her one and then leave her alone to find better friends.

God help you if you think that any of this is real…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is a retired big law partner, and when my moms parents, who lived nearby, were dying, he was there with her, and my grandparents, who loved him, as much as he could be. Your friends husband sounds like a d*ck.

OP here. I should have known that DCUM would twist what I said into a slam on my friend. I feel for her and think he's a jerk. But that doesn't put food on the table nor does it keep her in the house.

That's the key phrase: "as much as he could be". But what if, like my friend, the wife demands more than what the DH can give. Law partners have deals to get done or need to take a case to trial; doctors have research to conduct and patients to treat.

You can't say "sorry your Honor, my wife is having trouble dealing with her Dad passing away over six months ago so I can't take the case to trial and I need a continuance". Or "sorry Stage IV Cancer patient, my wife spent the morning crying so I wasn't able to design your drug regimen yet". We like to talk in ideals, but the world is complicated. That's what I was trying to explain to my friend, because holding her husband to her standard of what her husband SHOULD be, when he brings in so much money. Why push him to the point where he wants to take away your health insurance, your time with the kids, your ability to live in your beautiful house? Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is a retired big law partner, and when my moms parents, who lived nearby, were dying, he was there with her, and my grandparents, who loved him, as much as he could be. Your friends husband sounds like a d*ck.

OP here. I should have known that DCUM would twist what I said into a slam on my friend. I feel for her and think he's a jerk. But that doesn't put food on the table nor does it keep her in the house.

That's the key phrase: "as much as he could be". But what if, like my friend, the wife demands more than what the DH can give. Law partners have deals to get done or need to take a case to trial; doctors have research to conduct and patients to treat.

You can't say "sorry your Honor, my wife is having trouble dealing with her Dad passing away over six months ago so I can't take the case to trial and I need a continuance". Or "sorry Stage IV Cancer patient, my wife spent the morning crying so I wasn't able to design your drug regimen yet". We like to talk in ideals, but the world is complicated. That's what I was trying to explain to my friend, because holding her husband to her standard of what her husband SHOULD be, when he brings in so much money. Why push him to the point where he wants to take away your health insurance, your time with the kids, your ability to live in your beautiful house? Why?

I know you’re just a bored troll but I’m confused how someone’s grief somehow interrupts their spouse’s work hours.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you sure her her parents (both) have died/are longer with us/her? Sometimes people will say such a thing but what they mean is they have realized they are mortal and may be passing at some point, but not necessarily now. If so, could he DH have found this out, misunderstood, and taken his love to town? It happens.

[Anonymous]

Was this friend in therapy and on meds all due to her father’s death? That reaction is a bit extreme. Did she have some other stuff going on? Also, is the ex not providing child support (re the lack of food on the table comment)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is a retired big law partner, and when my moms parents, who lived nearby, were dying, he was there with her, and my grandparents, who loved him, as much as he could be. Your friends husband sounds like a d*ck.

OP here. I should have known that DCUM would twist what I said into a slam on my friend. I feel for her and think he's a jerk. But that doesn't put food on the table nor does it keep her in the house.

That's the key phrase: "as much as he could be". But what if, like my friend, the wife demands more than what the DH can give. Law partners have deals to get done or need to take a case to trial; doctors have research to conduct and patients to treat.

You can't say "sorry your Honor, my wife is having trouble dealing with her Dad passing away over six months ago so I can't take the case to trial and I need a continuance". Or "sorry Stage IV Cancer patient, my wife spent the morning crying so I wasn't able to design your drug regimen yet". We like to talk in ideals, but the world is complicated. That's what I was trying to explain to my friend, because holding her husband to her standard of what her husband SHOULD be, when he brings in so much money. Why push him to the point where he wants to take away your health insurance, your time with the kids, your ability to live in your beautiful house? Why?

Because women aren’t slaves to rich men?

The only right thing to say to your friend is: fight hard for your fair share of the assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gave shitty advice. No need to justify him being a DB.

As a spouse your spouses health and mental needs take priority over your career. When you get married or are in a committed long term relationship you make two commitments one to the person and one to the relationship.

Let's be real. A good looking guy who is rich can get a hot piece of *ss any time he wants. Just hope he has a prenup like I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The husband is a jerk. He cheated on his wife in her time in need. I don’t think this has anything to do with him being successful.

I have a few friends who had a parent pass. Many are wealthy or average. I can’t imagine these guys cheating and blaming that the wife should maintain her value.

Not quite so simple. Many women on DCUM are very open about losing attraction to their husband if he is no longer a high income earner etc. Same way, a man loses his attraction if the wife becomes an emotional pain or is no longer attractive...neither sex is holy.