It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk… SAHM’s get depressed in the summer with kids home.

I think it’s fun and novel for a second but the next thing you know you are doing everything to not be around the kids all day.

You say you are with them more but in reality you have them in camp, your shopping/cleaning/cooking.

You quickly replace “spending all your time” with them not spending the same time as when you worked.

I think breaks from kids and influence other than mom is the healthiest model.

If you don’t want to work just own it and stop trying to justify it using your kids as a reason.

Huh? Only people i have heard complain about kids at home are working moms who do not know how to spend time with their kids because they are out of practice, and are incapable of handling summers, school closing, snow days, sick days, childcare gaps etc. Any normal, educated sahm with an iota of common sense and planning abilities already have a firm grip on what needs to be done for their children and household. sahms are not lacking for companionship, ideas or finances in any season. At least not in DMV.

DMV is an intensely competitive area. In my circles, having a sahm is strategic decision by the couple to make sure that the kids are excelling and thriving, the marriage is solid, personal and social life is being nurtured, household is running smoothly, long term goals are being worked on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is. And the secret here is that high school students need a strong parental presence on the home front so they stay on track and don't spiral out of control emotionally. Modern high school is a slog, lots of ups and downs for them. Even if they are good, solid students. This doesn't mean you're overbearing as the parent, it simply means you are emotionally available and are able to be present in real time. You can give them your 100 percent undivided. I can't tell you how important it is with teens age 14-18. It makes an enormous difference if you can be in the moment instead of writing your next work email in your head while they talk.

You need a parent home during school hours? Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk… SAHM’s get depressed in the summer with kids home.

I think it’s fun and novel for a second but the next thing you know you are doing everything to not be around the kids all day.

You say you are with them more but in reality you have them in camp, your shopping/cleaning/cooking.

You quickly replace “spending all your time” with them not spending the same time as when you worked.

I think breaks from kids and influence other than mom is the healthiest model.

If you don’t want to work just own it and stop trying to justify it using your kids as a reason.

Huh? Only people i have heard complain about kids at home are working moms who do not know how to spend time with their kids because they are out of practice, and are incapable of handling summers, school closing, snow days, sick days, childcare gaps etc. Any normal, educated sahm with an iota of common sense and planning abilities already have a firm grip on what needs to be done for their children and household. sahms are not lacking for companionship, ideas or finances in any season. At least not in DMV.

DMV is an intensely competitive area. In my circles, having a sahm is strategic decision by the couple to make sure that the kids are excelling and thriving, the marriage is solid, personal and social life is being nurtured, household is running smoothly, long term goals are being worked on.

Go back to June posts about dreading summer.

Look at all the posts about being annoyed at over scheduled neighborhood kids because now mom actually has to figure out how to be with kids.

Look at all the post of “what happened to the 70’s” when you kicked kids out at 9am and they weren’t allowed back h til dinner.

I don’t really know any SAHM’s who actually spend all day with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the best is for mom to have a high-paying yet-flexible job that allows her to be present with her kids, provide them present and future security, outsource the bulk of the housework, and still have the adult interaction she craves.

Plus either a truly supportive husband who actually splits the remaining housework/parenting, or no husband (or ex-husband) at all.

Everything else is subpar.

I think the best is for mom to be -
- pretty, fit, happy, highly educated, rich, connected, influential
- have a very high-paying, fun yet-flexible job, here she gets a lot of recognition and prestige, and makes professional and social connection
- have high achieving, healthy, well adjusted kids and her job allows her to be present with her kids, provides them present and future security,
- have reliable and excellent help so she can outsource the bulk of the housework,
- have family, friends, neighbors, coworker network so that her family has adult interactions
- has a good looking, loyal, fit, happy, present, highly educated, rich, supportive husband, who actually splits the remaining housework/parenting, appreciates the work that the wife does, handles all the ILs side of the personal relationship and has a perfectly matched libido with his wife.
- has a good lifestyle with a lot of luxury vacations and spa days thrown in.
- And she had not only her on wealth but also her DHs wealth and no pre-nup and is financially secure for the rest of her life.

Everything else is subpar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk… SAHM’s get depressed in the summer with kids home.

I think it’s fun and novel for a second but the next thing you know you are doing everything to not be around the kids all day.

You say you are with them more but in reality you have them in camp, your shopping/cleaning/cooking.

You quickly replace “spending all your time” with them not spending the same time as when you worked.

I think breaks from kids and influence other than mom is the healthiest model.

If you don’t want to work just own it and stop trying to justify it using your kids as a reason.

Huh? Only people i have heard complain about kids at home are working moms who do not know how to spend time with their kids because they are out of practice, and are incapable of handling summers, school closing, snow days, sick days, childcare gaps etc. Any normal, educated sahm with an iota of common sense and planning abilities already have a firm grip on what needs to be done for their children and household. sahms are not lacking for companionship, ideas or finances in any season. At least not in DMV.

DMV is an intensely competitive area. In my circles, having a sahm is strategic decision by the couple to make sure that the kids are excelling and thriving, the marriage is solid, personal and social life is being nurtured, household is running smoothly, long term goals are being worked on.

Go back to June posts about dreading summer.

Look at all the posts about being annoyed at over scheduled neighborhood kids because now mom actually has to figure out how to be with kids.

Look at all the post of “what happened to the 70’s” when you kicked kids out at 9am and they weren’t allowed back home till dinner.

I don’t really know any SAHM’s who actually spend all day with kids.

I think its just that you and the June posters are non-POC, MC, unhappy and not in DMV.

And no, after a certain age, your kids are not spending all day with you even though they are in the same vicinity or under the same roof or under your supervision.

For most of the childhood or teen years - mom, dad or grandparents are always accessible, reachable and present for the kids, regardless of what activities they are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is. And the secret here is that high school students need a strong parental presence on the home front so they stay on track and don't spiral out of control emotionally. Modern high school is a slog, lots of ups and downs for them. Even if they are good, solid students. This doesn't mean you're overbearing as the parent, it simply means you are emotionally available and are able to be present in real time. You can give them your 100 percent undivided. I can't tell you how important it is with teens age 14-18. It makes an enormous difference if you can be in the moment instead of writing your next work email in your head while they talk.

You need a parent home during school hours? Why?

Read the teen forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Do you know any real people? Most people who work wouldn’t call it exciting experiences, it is a paycheck. Very few people make or female really love their jobs. Also if you think SAHMS just mop and fold laundry then you must not know any. There are many valuable and rewarding ways in which one can use their time.

Like Pilates and lunch duty?

If not, can you explain what is valuable and rewarding?

Oh come on now. NP but why are you being so dense? I’m a SAHM. I was previously an attorney. I majored in STEM. I love immersing my children in science and math experiments, going to the museums with them and spending time at the library. I find it super rewarding to watch them learn and explore the world around them, and I add value by exposing them to new things and educating them.

When I was working, I never set foot in their school. Now I actually do sometimes volunteer for lunch duty and actually, it’s been really helpful to get to know their classmates, teachers and see the dynamics at school. I also love being able to pick them up after school and hear about their day - I find it’s the time that they are most open and honest about what went on during the school day.

I also loved practicing law - I practiced in Big Law for 15 years. One is not Bette than the other, both can be rewarding and valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Do you know any real people? Most people who work wouldn’t call it exciting experiences, it is a paycheck. Very few people make or female really love their jobs. Also if you think SAHMS just mop and fold laundry then you must not know any. There are many valuable and rewarding ways in which one can use their time.

Like Pilates and lunch duty?

If not, can you explain what is valuable and rewarding?

Oh come on now. NP but why are you being so dense? I’m a SAHM. I was previously an attorney. I majored in STEM. I love immersing my children in science and math experiments, going to the museums with them and spending time at the library. I find it super rewarding to watch them learn and explore the world around them, and I add value by exposing them to new things and educating them.

When I was working, I never set foot in their school. Now I actually do sometimes volunteer for lunch duty and actually, it’s been really helpful to get to know their classmates, teachers and see the dynamics at school. I also love being able to pick them up after school and hear about their day - I find it’s the time that they are most open and honest about what went on during the school day.

I also loved practicing law - I practiced in Big Law for 15 years. One is not Bette than the other, both can be rewarding and valuable.

I do everything you describe and work full time.
Idk about you but including after school sports and activities - mine are at school from 830 to 5. I do drop off and or pick up every day and go in to volunteer frequently. We also do tons of stuff after school.
It is so much easier to be a good parent if you sahm but not bc you can do more but bc you have way more relaxation and me time during the day when the kids are at school so you’re not exhausted and burned out.

[Anonymous]

I am currently at the end of maternity leave - go back in two weeks, eek! - and you are 100% correct OP. (Currently sitting with my three kids and a cup of coffee, wearing my pajamas).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is. And the secret here is that high school students need a strong parental presence on the home front so they stay on track and don't spiral out of control emotionally. Modern high school is a slog, lots of ups and downs for them. Even if they are good, solid students. This doesn't mean you're overbearing as the parent, it simply means you are emotionally available and are able to be present in real time. You can give them your 100 percent undivided. I can't tell you how important it is with teens age 14-18. It makes an enormous difference if you can be in the moment instead of writing your next work email in your head while they talk.

You need a parent home during school hours? Why?

Read the teen forum.

I WFH. My teens don't need me during the school day because they are at school. And then sports. What teen needs their parent in them middle of the school day? Please do not say "dentist appt" or some other nonsense that working parents manage just fine.

[Anonymous]

My job is highly flexible. I WFH 100% of the time and my management doesn’t care how many hours I work, as long as I get everything done well, which I do. I get paid really well for a job with very few demands.

I can do pickup and drop off, get DD to all her activities, and my job’s flexibility allows DH to work a much more demanding (and lucrative) job.

The downside is I don’t really have upward trajectory, but for now that’s fine with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am currently at the end of maternity leave - go back in two weeks, eek! - and you are 100% correct OP. (Currently sitting with my three kids and a cup of coffee, wearing my pajamas).

Did you keep your older two children home full-time during your maternity leave, or did you send them to school/camp/childcare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk… SAHM’s get depressed in the summer with kids home.

I think it’s fun and novel for a second but the next thing you know you are doing everything to not be around the kids all day.

You say you are with them more but in reality you have them in camp, your shopping/cleaning/cooking.

You quickly replace “spending all your time” with them not spending the same time as when you worked.

I think breaks from kids and influence other than mom is the healthiest model.

If you don’t want to work just own it and stop trying to justify it using your kids as a reason.

Huh? Only people i have heard complain about kids at home are working moms who do not know how to spend time with their kids because they are out of practice, and are incapable of handling summers, school closing, snow days, sick days, childcare gaps etc. Any normal, educated sahm with an iota of common sense and planning abilities already have a firm grip on what needs to be done for their children and household. sahms are not lacking for companionship, ideas or finances in any season. At least not in DMV.

DMV is an intensely competitive area. In my circles, having a sahm is strategic decision by the couple to make sure that the kids are excelling and thriving, the marriage is solid, personal and social life is being nurtured, household is running smoothly, long term goals are being worked on.

Go back to June posts about dreading summer.

Look at all the posts about being annoyed at over scheduled neighborhood kids because now mom actually has to figure out how to be with kids.

Look at all the post of “what happened to the 70’s” when you kicked kids out at 9am and they weren’t allowed back home till dinner.

I don’t really know any SAHM’s who actually spend all day with kids.

I think its just that you and the June posters are non-POC, MC, unhappy and not in DMV.

And no, after a certain age, your kids are not spending all day with you even though they are in the same vicinity or under the same roof or under your supervision.

For most of the childhood or teen years - mom, dad or grandparents are always accessible, reachable and present for the kids, regardless of what activities they are doing.

Constantly being “accessible” is in no way shape or form a good thing or something children were grown up historically.

You’re the person whose kids need phones in schools so they can reach you.

Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is. And the secret here is that high school students need a strong parental presence on the home front so they stay on track and don't spiral out of control emotionally. Modern high school is a slog, lots of ups and downs for them. Even if they are good, solid students. This doesn't mean you're overbearing as the parent, it simply means you are emotionally available and are able to be present in real time. You can give them your 100 percent undivided. I can't tell you how important it is with teens age 14-18. It makes an enormous difference if you can be in the moment instead of writing your next work email in your head while they talk.

You need a parent home during school hours? Why?

Read the teen forum.

Nice try but no, you don’t need to be home while your kids are in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk… SAHM’s get depressed in the summer with kids home.

I think it’s fun and novel for a second but the next thing you know you are doing everything to not be around the kids all day.

You say you are with them more but in reality you have them in camp, your shopping/cleaning/cooking.

You quickly replace “spending all your time” with them not spending the same time as when you worked.

I think breaks from kids and influence other than mom is the healthiest model.

If you don’t want to work just own it and stop trying to justify it using your kids as a reason.

Huh? Only people i have heard complain about kids at home are working moms who do not know how to spend time with their kids because they are out of practice, and are incapable of handling summers, school closing, snow days, sick days, childcare gaps etc. Any normal, educated sahm with an iota of common sense and planning abilities already have a firm grip on what needs to be done for their children and household. sahms are not lacking for companionship, ideas or finances in any season. At least not in DMV.

DMV is an intensely competitive area. In my circles, having a sahm is strategic decision by the couple to make sure that the kids are excelling and thriving, the marriage is solid, personal and social life is being nurtured, household is running smoothly, long term goals are being worked on.

Go back to June posts about dreading summer.

Look at all the posts about being annoyed at over scheduled neighborhood kids because now mom actually has to figure out how to be with kids.

Look at all the post of “what happened to the 70’s” when you kicked kids out at 9am and they weren’t allowed back home till dinner.

I don’t really know any SAHM’s who actually spend all day with kids.

I think its just that you and the June posters are non-POC, MC, unhappy and not in DMV.

And no, after a certain age, your kids are not spending all day with you even though they are in the same vicinity or under the same roof or under your supervision.

For most of the childhood or teen years - mom, dad or grandparents are always accessible, reachable and present for the kids, regardless of what activities they are doing.

Constantly being “accessible” is in no way shape or form a good thing or something children were grown up historically.

You’re the person whose kids need phones in schools so they can reach you.

Sad.

Agree with this. Also kids benefit from being exposed to multiple trustworthy adults. Not just the SAHP all.the.time. And with these couples, the working spouse usually has to be a workaholic to support the family, and rarely spends actual time with the kids