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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Oh I wish I knew you IRL because SAME and we could totally spend a whole night chatting about this kinda thing over drinks.

Personally - 
--I prioritize one of us taking kids to the doctor/dentist BUT this feels like something that could be outsourced if it works better for your family. Especially dentist, routine cleanings are very... routine. Annual doctor visit is something I'd try to have a parent attend, but if it's more than annual for some reason, sounds fine to have someone else do it. 
--ABSOLUTELY do not let yourself get into having someone at every single school thing. You've got to prioritize here. I think what's hard is that when we were kids, this was like... 3 things a year. The annual play and two school concerts, the end. So it was easy for them to be must attends. Now it's like 98027349775 things, many of which are during work hours. No. Prioritize. 2-3 things per kid, outside of work hours, that are really important and both parents should attend (hint: if it's during standard work hours, it's optional for sure). 2-4 other evening things per kid, max, that one parent attends. Max one daytime activity per parent per kid per year. These are MAXIMUMS. 
--I'd be fine with someone else doing the morning or evening routine. Maybe 2-4 times a week, total between the two? I'd prioritize being with my kids for dinner over getting ready in the morning.

I think where the flexibility comes in is thinking about the some total. If you rarely go to school events, someone else gets your kid dressed in the morning five days a week, someone else does school pickup and dinner and bedtime three days a week, a babysitter comes for a chunk of every Saturday, and you've never met your kid's dentist, that's a problem.

So try and move away from what's "OK" (based on what? DCUM? Please.) and towards - what you're doing now obviously isn't working. So, what's the lowest impact thing you're doing now that you could drop?

Other wider advice:
1) Lower your standards. Sheets can be washed less, house can be cleaned less, kids can do less extracurriculars, you can shower less, you can take fewer vacations. Less is more. 
2) Your happiness and wellbeing is critically important, just because you, too are a human who matters, but also because if mom is miserable and in poor mental/physical health, that impacts the whole family. It's NOT selfish to focus on your needs, it's critical.
3) Both you and your spouse have inflexible jobs? Then you BOTH have to take on these burdens. Make sure you're both contributing equally. If you're not, that's the first thing I'd change. Yes, maybe having the nanny take the kid to his annual checkup is less than ideal, but you know what is ideal? Dad taking him. Just as ideal as mom. 
4) Judge yourself on dad standards. Seriously. Would society call you a GREAT dad? Then you're killing it. 
5) Make sure you've giving this same once over to your job. Yeah, if you're an ER doctor, your job is inflexible, no two ways about it. But lots of people are out there putting their grocery order in while listening in to calls. Be one of those people.
6) If it still isn't right, your or your husband might want to consider decreasing your hours or changing jobs. Not because you CAN'T make it work (as long as you're both working less than 45 hours or so, it's doable) but because you might not want to live like you're living. That's okay, too. 
7) Get him the snip. Surprise change of life babies are a thing. [/quote]

This is really well said and how my DH and I think too. I think one of the hardest things is how many daytime events there are at school now. You're right - when I was a kid it was a rarity. [b]Now parents are CONSTANTLY invited to things[/b] (halloween party! unity assembly! field day!) that aren't even scheduled for first or last thing. DH and I don't have flexible or work from home jobs, so we generally can't make those things. My kid gets it but its definitely a bummer to her. [b]I wish the school would stop acting like parents all have wfh jobs or that each family has a stay at home parent[/b]. I've had teachers/staff express shock that I don't work from home - which is odd since neither do they. [/quote]

But many families do have a SAH or WAHP and we want to go to these events during the school day. Should DH and I not be able to volunteer at field day, chaperone field trips, attend class parties, coffee chats with the principal, etc. because some other parents chose inflexible jobs?

DH and I have chosen to stay in lower-earning non-managerial positions because we prioritized flexibility over earnings. We have 3 kids and are at their schools a lot for events and are involved in coaching their after school sports. These are the trade offs we as parents make, and I’m ok with not having a nanny to handle things for me and not having the same disposable income as other families who chose to work longer hours. Parents need to own their choices including the downsides that come with them.

I don’t think schools should be guilting parents or acting surprised not everyone has a WAHP. But I think it’s nice that parents who can attend are invited to this stuff and hope that continues.[/quote]

+1 totally agree

We both work FT but have some WFH and flexibility and do like participating in these events when we can![/quote]

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