Reply to Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

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Reply to "Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I relate. My mother looked down on people with mental health issues probably because she herself struggled with anger, depression and anxiety. She saw us as objects to meet her needs. I had to get good grades and go to good schools to make her look good. Her rage made her quite verbally abusive which is why when I am under a lot of stress or go through a rough patch with parenting I get help. I will not be abusive toward my children. I will be a cycle-breaker.

Also, there was no protection. We had tremendous freedom, but any issues that arose were our fault. My mother would leave me and my siblings anyone, any age and if the person hit us or said inappropriate things it was out fault. It wasn't until someone witnessed a sitter being physically abusive with me in public, that my mother fired her and I had already brought the issue to her attention, but she blamed me. She only fired the sitter so a stranger would not think she was a bad parent if she witnessed me with the sitter again.

My mother had more than enough money to get herself help and she endless free time for self care. Yes, my grandma was crazy too, but because mom was the golden child she saw nothing wrong with abusive parenting. She blamed her siblings for their abuse.[/quote]

I just posted, but wanted to add I think you will get different responses from people who faced abuse then from people raised in stable households. Sadly I see from the responses a lot of people blessed with more emotionally safe circumstances don't seem to have empathy for those who grew up without that.[/quote]

OP said she grew up in a stable household being emotionally abused from her mother and having an unavailable father so she needs more responses from that group. [/quote]

A home with an emotionally abusive mother and an unavailable father is not "stable." I get OP used that term, but then she's describing experiences consistent with abuse and neglect. A home with abuse and neglect isn't stable.

It's really common for people who grew up in financially stable homes, middle class or better, to struggle with the idea that their experience was abusive. Even in cases with physical and sexual abuse, it is hard -- I was physically abused as a child and it took me years to even categorize it as abuse (my family justified it as corporal punishment and said it was normal "at the time" but neither were true). Also, part of the emotional abuse is often using the fact that the parents are meeting the child's basic needs (fed, clothed, housed, in school, access to doctors -- the bare minimum required by the law) as evidence that the child can't complain about emotional abuse or neglect. "Look at all I've done for you" is a refrain I heard a lot growing up.

The people piping up that parenthood has made them understand and more sympathetic to their parents, who came from warm and loving homes that may have had issues, don't actually help OP. Because they simply contribute to the gaslighting OP has received since she was a child, that she has nothing to complain about. It is not intentional, but arguing that someone who was ignored by their father and emotionally abused by their mother for their entire childhood was from a normal, stable home is not helpful.[/quote]

How do you know their homes weren’t similar to OP’s?  It is easy to assume other people had it better than you because you don’t know what they have worked through on their own. [/quote]

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