I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

Team OP!

Stay strong.

You did nothing wrong. Your reply text was a little terse, but truthful.

It's not up to OP to smooth things over with the ILs. All the bad feelings are due to DHs poor hosting and him basically throwing her under the bus with his parents.

OP should leave it alone. If ILs bring it up again she can provide some context that they are trying to be more equitable in the division of labor and their son will now be responsible for all hosting/logistics/planning for events with them, and repeat that she's not mad at them at all.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP! The only thing I would have done differently is let my ILs know in advance that DH would be in charge of hosting for this visit. That would have avoided the hurt feelings. They would have known who was supposed to be in charge.

Why would it be OP’s place to communicate with her ILs about a holiday visit when she is actively not hosting? Presumably DH has his own parents’ phone numbers, and could have communicated with them in advance. Communication is part of hosting, and OP was actively not hosting. What about this don’t some of you get? Why would her ILs not have communicated with their own son if they thought something was off during the visit?

I mean, they did. They communicated to him that OP seemed mad and rude. Which I’m sure is right from their perspective. They don’t have any insight into what was really going on.

No, dear. MIL communicated with HER:

“Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!”

And when MIL got a clear answer from her DIL that DIL was not mad at her or at FIL, and that nothing was wrong, she then either text or called her son, apparently. That’s what happened. Instead of taking DIL at her word, MIL then tattled to her son, apparently.

Yes that’s what I’m saying. She did communicate with him that OP seemed mad and was rude.

AFTER they asked their DIL directly if she was mad, and she said no. What more needs to be said? Asked and answered. Apparently they are pushy and if they don’t get the answer they want, they’ll keep digging and make a problem?

Honestly I think it’s projection. MIL would have acted like this if she were mad so she’s assuming that’s what’s going on. DIL is punishing her just as she would have punished if she felt slighted for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone accusing OP of being “passive aggressive” is clearly not onto MIL. Let’s review: MIL isn’t catered to hand and foot as she is clearly used to being in her son’s home. So after the visit, she texts her *DIL* and asks if she’s “mad.” Instead of, you know, picking up the phone and talking to her son if she had any real questions or concerns.

+1

A further indication of how it has gone historically.

OP, what did your DH think about how the visit and meal went?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP! The only thing I would have done differently is let my ILs know in advance that DH would be in charge of hosting for this visit. That would have avoided the hurt feelings. They would have known who was supposed to be in charge.

Why would it be OP’s place to communicate with her ILs about a holiday visit when she is actively not hosting? Presumably DH has his own parents’ phone numbers, and could have communicated with them in advance. Communication is part of hosting, and OP was actively not hosting. What about this don’t some of you get? Why would her ILs not have communicated with their own son if they thought something was off during the visit?

I mean, they did. They communicated to him that OP seemed mad and rude. Which I’m sure is right from their perspective. They don’t have any insight into what was really going on.

No, dear. MIL communicated with HER:

“Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!”

And when MIL got a clear answer from her DIL that DIL was not mad at her or at FIL, and that nothing was wrong, she then either text or called her son, apparently. That’s what happened. Instead of taking DIL at her word, MIL then tattled to her son, apparently.

Yes that’s what I’m saying. She did communicate with him that OP seemed mad and was rude.

AFTER they asked their DIL directly if she was mad, and she said no. What more needs to be said? Asked and answered. Apparently they are pushy and if they don’t get the answer they want, they’ll keep digging and make a problem?

Honestly I think it’s projection. MIL would have acted like this if she were mad so she’s assuming that’s what’s going on. DIL is punishing her just as she would have punished if she felt slighted for some reason.

It is “punishing” exactly no one to host for many years, then communicate with your husband that he needs to step it up and you won’t be doing anything, then to follow through. It is also not a “punishment” when asked a question (are you mad?) to answer it honestly (no, I just wasn’t into hosting and Bill said he would). None of that is punishment.

Maybe you are “projecting” your belief that any woman who isn’t hosting or serving, or is directly communicating without seven layers of subterfuge and flattery, is “punishing” others.

[Anonymous]

Eh! I would never do anything to create ill-will among my relatives or friends just to prove a silly point. Besides, what do I gain by putting my DH down? I married him, didn't I? What does that say about my ability to pick a good spouse?

I have a very straightforward approach. I outsource to the fullest extent if my DH is not willing to help. My cleaning lady will do "projects' for $25 an hour. CHange bedsheets in the guest room? Clean the garage? Set the table and chafing dishes before a party? Set out tables and chairs? Serve drinks and appetizers? She does it all. Of course, I supervise her and am organized about what needs to be done. In fact, when I hire cleaners, I am very clear that I will need help with these kinds of tasks too.

Similarly, DH was dilly-dallying with yard cleanup and mulching and I paid a landscaper to do it for $400. He was aghast - "This is $100 an hour!!"

Uh huh. Sure it is. We could have done this work ourselves for a fraction of the cost but you were not too keen and I do not want to nag.

I am a generally happy person. I just don't see these kinds of things as problems. When money can solve an issue then it is not a problem, it is just an expense. Learn to differentiate between problems and expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh! I would never do anything to create ill-will among my relatives or friends just to prove a silly point. Besides, what do I gain by putting my DH down? I married him, didn't I? What does that say about my ability to pick a good spouse?

I have a very straightforward approach. I outsource to the fullest extent if my DH is not willing to help. My cleaning lady will do "projects' for $25 an hour. CHange bedsheets in the guest room? Clean the garage? Set the table and chafing dishes before a party? Set out tables and chairs? Serve drinks and appetizers? She does it all. Of course, I supervise her and am organized about what needs to be done. In fact, when I hire cleaners, I am very clear that I will need help with these kinds of tasks too.

Similarly, DH was dilly-dallying with yard cleanup and mulching and I paid a landscaper to do it for $400. He was aghast - "This is $100 an hour!!"

Uh huh. Sure it is. We could have done this work ourselves for a fraction of the cost but you were not too keen and I do not want to nag.

I am a generally happy person. I just don't see these kinds of things as problems. When money can solve an issue then it is not a problem, it is just an expense. Learn to differentiate between problems and expenses.

How is it “proving a point” to communicate to DH that you won’t be hosting, and then not host? That’s literally doing what you say you will (or won’t) do.

How is it “putting DH down” to tell him you won’t be hosting, and then not host? How is it “putting DH down” to tell MIL the direct truth, when asked?

[Anonymous]

Your reply to your mother in law was hurtful, there’s just no way around it. You should have been honest about what was going on, but seeing how the visit wasn’t going so well and balls were being dropped, you probably should have hinted about it while they were visiting. There’s no way for a guest to hear that one of the homeowners wasn’t “into hosting” and not feel hurt. If I am visiting your home and especially overnight, I’m assuming I was wanted. You needed to make clear that her visit was wanted, it was simply the hosting duties you delegated to your husband, and I don’t think that came across.

Your husband needs to explain everything to his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh! I would never do anything to create ill-will among my relatives or friends just to prove a silly point. Besides, what do I gain by putting my DH down? I married him, didn't I? What does that say about my ability to pick a good spouse?

I have a very straightforward approach. I outsource to the fullest extent if my DH is not willing to help. My cleaning lady will do "projects' for $25 an hour. CHange bedsheets in the guest room? Clean the garage? Set the table and chafing dishes before a party? Set out tables and chairs? Serve drinks and appetizers? She does it all. Of course, I supervise her and am organized about what needs to be done. In fact, when I hire cleaners, I am very clear that I will need help with these kinds of tasks too.

Similarly, DH was dilly-dallying with yard cleanup and mulching and I paid a landscaper to do it for $400. He was aghast - "This is $100 an hour!!"

Uh huh. Sure it is. We could have done this work ourselves for a fraction of the cost but you were not too keen and I do not want to nag.

I am a generally happy person. I just don't see these kinds of things as problems. When money can solve an issue then it is not a problem, it is just an expense. Learn to differentiate between problems and expenses.

How is it “proving a point” to communicate to DH that you won’t be hosting, and then not host? That’s literally doing what you say you will (or won’t) do.

How is it “putting DH down” to tell him you won’t be hosting, and then not host? How is it “putting DH down” to tell MIL the direct truth, when asked?

PP won’t understand. She’s above it all. She doesn’t have problems like the rest of us plebs do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your reply to your mother in law was hurtful, there’s just no way around it. You should have been honest about what was going on, but seeing how the visit wasn’t going so well and balls were being dropped, you probably should have hinted about it while they were visiting. There’s no way for a guest to hear that one of the homeowners wasn’t “into hosting” and not feel hurt. If I am visiting your home and especially overnight, I’m assuming I was wanted. You needed to make clear that her visit was wanted, it was simply the hosting duties you delegated to your husband, and I don’t think that came across.

Your husband needs to explain everything to his parents.

End thread.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Peeps and chocolate is a balanced meal.

NP. Did you miss the part where they had rotisserie chicken for dinner? They ate a meal. It wasn’t fancy, but it was food. If my kids got Easter candy and regular food for dinner, they wouldn’t be crying themselves to sleep. The only person upset is apparently MIL. Why she didn’t text the son she raised and instead laid her complaints at the feet of DIL is a mystery.

Omg, your reading comprehension is dim. I’m making fun of the person who said OP was ruining Easter for her kids by not providing a good Easter dinner. My point is, she bought candy, which kids would be very happy with for dinner. She’s done her part. (Yes, I saw they had chicken)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

DH would have a time of death tag on his toe with a comment/reaction like that.

You communicated your boundary. He agreed. He failed to abide by it. You need offer no other apologies to him, for sure. Other than to reiterate that you meant what you said and mean it going forward.

You may have a conversation with the MIL at some point and just nicely lay it out. You're tired from being the laboring oar. That's not a reflection on your feelings for them but you just don't want to have to do it every time as it is a lot of work, tiring, you don't get to enjoy it, etc. In this instance their son agreed to X, Y, and Z and I'm sorry that didn't happen. But going forward, you will not be the host/planner anymore for your family. With work and kids, it's too much. I hope you understand.

Then. They understand or they don't.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everything you did until the text message and coffee. Drop the rope with your DH only. Not your ILs. Texting that you didn’t want to host is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your reply to your mother in law was hurtful, there’s just no way around it. You should have been honest about what was going on, but seeing how the visit wasn’t going so well and balls were being dropped, you probably should have hinted about it while they were visiting. There’s no way for a guest to hear that one of the homeowners wasn’t “into hosting” and not feel hurt. If I am visiting your home and especially overnight, I’m assuming I was wanted. You needed to make clear that her visit was wanted, it was simply the hosting duties you delegated to your husband, and I don’t think that came across.

Your husband needs to explain everything to his parents.

Hinted? LOL. I would have told MIL in real time, light-hearted, "sorry, Joe was supp'd to put the sheets on the bed this morning but it was busy around here."

"Sorry, Joe, was responsible for Easter dinner this year. Guess, he'll know to get a reservation earlier next time."

If I known I'm going to get thrown under the bus, I'll bet them to it by showing who really is at fault.

Not sorry.

[Anonymous]

On the coffee stuff - the next time they visit - on the first night of their arrival, I would just say - the coffee stuff is where it is usually is. You know how to work everything and can make it if you're up before me? Then you can answer any questions if they have any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the coffee stuff - the next time they visit - on the first night of their arrival, I would just say - the coffee stuff is where it is usually is. You know how to work everything and can make it if you're up before me? Then you can answer any questions if they have any.

No. That's too much. The never give an inch to the inlaw crowd would surely find an issue with this. I'm not sure why OP didn't just pack up and move to a hotel for the weekend. That might have been more pleasant for everyone.