My friend moved without telling me

[Anonymous]

OP: my very good college friend just suddenly stopped communicating with me. We were very close for years, and then one day just nothing.
She got married, moved, lots of changes… then about 5 years later, began sending me messages trying to reengage. She says she regrets her choice to be absent and hopes I can forgive her.
I have no idea what happened, and I figure she will tell me if / when she needs to. Could have been any number of things related to me, or even not at all related to me or our friendship.

I know we want answers to mysteries like this, and I hope you get them: but it may be years from now, and you might as well be kind and patient with her. Perhaps she’s going through difficult life changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look back at your texts and meet-ups. It’s likely you were always initiating and you weren’t great friends.

OP here. DH and I combed through texts and memories. We both initiated. I'd hosted a Galentines Day party for DD and her friends (including the friend's DD), and then she and her DH hosted DH and me for dinner and during that dinner we made plans to try a new place for brunch in early March, which we did.

Combed through? You sound like a stalker. She clearly doesn’t want to give you explanations, or keep the door open to continue the friendship. Move on!

Yeah, you sound really stupid with that accusation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look back at your texts and meet-ups. It’s likely you were always initiating and you weren’t great friends.

OP here. DH and I combed through texts and memories. We both initiated. I'd hosted a Galentines Day party for DD and her friends (including the friend's DD), and then she and her DH hosted DH and me for dinner and during that dinner we made plans to try a new place for brunch in early March, which we did.

Combed through? You sound like a stalker. She clearly doesn’t want to give you explanations, or keep the door open to continue the friendship. Move on!

NP. It’s stalking to scroll back through your texts with someone? You sound insane

There’s glancing through yourself, and then there’s “combing through” with your husband! What, OP can’t read? She’s too emotionally fragile to scroll through some texts without DH? So bizarre. I can’t imagine asking DH to help me…look through my own phone. Psycho stalker with nothing better to do. Yikes, get a life.

OP here. Just to clarify, DH is friend's with HER DH. He looked through his texts (on his phone) with that guy, while I looked through my texts with my friend (on my phone).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very Ozark-y. Like, one day the Byrdes were living a quiet life in their Chicago suburb, and the next day they were...elsewhere.

And OP I'm sorry for the weirdness and confusion this has caused you and your family. We'd all feel this was strange if we experienced a similar situation.

Except the friend replied to OPs text, so I think it can't be too Ozark-y of a situation. Wit-sec is out.

I'm guessing major financial issues. Friend was too embarassed or private to explain, so she just didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look back at your texts and meet-ups. It’s likely you were always initiating and you weren’t great friends.

OP here. DH and I combed through texts and memories. We both initiated. I'd hosted a Galentines Day party for DD and her friends (including the friend's DD), and then she and her DH hosted DH and me for dinner and during that dinner we made plans to try a new place for brunch in early March, which we did.

Combed through? You sound like a stalker. She clearly doesn’t want to give you explanations, or keep the door open to continue the friendship. Move on!

NP. It’s stalking to scroll back through your texts with someone? You sound insane

There’s glancing through yourself, and then there’s “combing through” with your husband! What, OP can’t read? She’s too emotionally fragile to scroll through some texts without DH? So bizarre. I can’t imagine asking DH to help me…look through my own phone. Psycho stalker with nothing better to do. Yikes, get a life.

OP here. Just to clarify, DH is friend's with HER DH. He looked through his texts (on his phone) with that guy, while I looked through my texts with my friend (on my phone).

OP you did nothing wrong, ignore the nasty, unhinged comments. Everything you've done, every reaction you've had is totally normal and understandable given the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look back at your texts and meet-ups. It’s likely you were always initiating and you weren’t great friends.

OP here. DH and I combed through texts and memories. We both initiated. I'd hosted a Galentines Day party for DD and her friends (including the friend's DD), and then she and her DH hosted DH and me for dinner and during that dinner we made plans to try a new place for brunch in early March, which we did.

Combed through? You sound like a stalker. She clearly doesn’t want to give you explanations, or keep the door open to continue the friendship. Move on!

NP. It’s stalking to scroll back through your texts with someone? You sound insane

There’s glancing through yourself, and then there’s “combing through” with your husband! What, OP can’t read? She’s too emotionally fragile to scroll through some texts without DH? So bizarre. I can’t imagine asking DH to help me…look through my own phone. Psycho stalker with nothing better to do. Yikes, get a life.

Sorry, this is a crazy take on what she said

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very Ozark-y. Like, one day the Byrdes were living a quiet life in their Chicago suburb, and the next day they were...elsewhere.

And OP I'm sorry for the weirdness and confusion this has caused you and your family. We'd all feel this was strange if we experienced a similar situation.

Except the friend replied to OPs text, so I think it can't be too Ozark-y of a situation. Wit-sec is out.

I'm guessing major financial issues. Friend was too embarassed or private to explain, so she just didn't.

Assuming it's really her friend with her phone. I know the odds it isn't are like .00001%, but it's so weird that I'd want to confirm.

[Anonymous]

That's weird OP, I would assume something happened , like job loss or some sort of financial or family situation that hit them out of nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look back at your texts and meet-ups. It’s likely you were always initiating and you weren’t great friends.

OP here. DH and I combed through texts and memories. We both initiated. I'd hosted a Galentines Day party for DD and her friends (including the friend's DD), and then she and her DH hosted DH and me for dinner and during that dinner we made plans to try a new place for brunch in early March, which we did.

Combed through? You sound like a stalker. She clearly doesn’t want to give you explanations, or keep the door open to continue the friendship. Move on!

NP. It’s stalking to scroll back through your texts with someone? You sound insane

There’s glancing through yourself, and then there’s “combing through” with your husband! What, OP can’t read? She’s too emotionally fragile to scroll through some texts without DH? So bizarre. I can’t imagine asking DH to help me…look through my own phone. Psycho stalker with nothing better to do. Yikes, get a life.

OP here. Just to clarify, DH is friend's with HER DH. He looked through his texts (on his phone) with that guy, while I looked through my texts with my friend (on my phone).

Oh, can your DH reach out to her DH? Might get some useful info that way (or get confirmation that something truly bizarre is going on).

[Anonymous]

Is one of them from Wisconsin or do they have any other connection to Wisconsin that you know of? People keep saying family health issue or job loss (which I get), but that really only makes sense if they have Wisconsin roots somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people just drop "friends" whenever they move. It's a weird kind of compartmentalization. OP, I would consider the friendship over and move on. She couldn't have been more clear she doesn't intend to work on maintaining the friendship, which sounds like it was pretty superficial anyway.

Yes, it's called situational friendship. And OP's friend is busy looking for her next one. Sorry, OP, her behavior and baffling and unkind, but it's in your own best interest to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's weird OP, I would assume something happened , like job loss or some sort of financial or family situation that hit them out of nowhere.

NP but we had to move pretty suddenly once and it was traumatic for kids and me. Just too much to process and couldn’t handle answering questions.

[Anonymous]

So sorry. I had this happen before though not quite as dramatic, and it really hurt. Ignore the people acting like you are out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call. Not text. Pick up the phone and call.

This. This move was clearly unplanned, likely embarrassing and hard on your friend. Pick up the phone and check on her. Offer to me them stay with you if they come back for a visit, etc.

Eww no that would come across as very needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I would just go back with "please let me know if you need anything. I know moving can be really stressful and hard". After that, no more. I'm not saying ice her out, but let her reach out to you next - the ball is in her court.

I think this is a good approach. Something definitely seems off, particularly since you saw her regularly. But I'd offer support and leave it in her court.

Did they sell their house? Any mutual friends who know anything?