Reply to How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.[/quote]

This is the correct answer. [/quote]

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum. 
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas. 
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years. 
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young [/quote]
You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

[/quote]

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair. [/quote]

Who said supercede?  OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years.  They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years.  Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly.  Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year.  Who knows.  But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.[/quote]

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that. 
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year. [/quote]

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together.  There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.  [/quote]

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year.  What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill? [/quote]

Actually I thought OP did not care.  And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.[/quote]

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.  [/quote]
They’ve never invited them! How do you disinvite someone you didn’t invite who just showed up?[/quote]

Someone unexpectedly shows up at your house to visit for Christmas.  They are at your door.  You can either invite them in, or tell them they are not invited in.  In this case, it makes more sense for OP or her parents not to wait until the in laws travel thousands of miles cross country to disinvite them.[/quote]

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