How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2. I don't understand this doling out of the christmases. Why can't they both go to both and everyone be together? That is certainly in keeping with the Christmas Spirit. And parents need to understand that times change. This is not their Christmas in their house any more. If they want uninterrupted time alone, they do it at other times of the year.
The end.

Like when Mary and Joseph forced themselves into a crowded inn rather than politely staying out by the manger? Come on. Forcing yourself on people who don't want you is not in keeping with the Christmas spirit at all. They could have asked permission, but they didn't because they wanted to manipulate and use social pressure to get what they want. Rude, rude, rude. Rudeness is not the Christmas spirit. "The end."

The parents dont want them there, but you can't disinvite uninvited people if you don't know they are coming. The OP doesn't want them there either. Time for the DH to act like an adult and speak to his parents, or the OP can do it for them.

The OP has not clarified, despite being asked, what actually happened. Your bolded is speculation. Another possible speculation is that the ILs told everyone ahead of time that they would be in the area and would love to stop by and nobody told them no. It is also VERY reasonable to assume that the ILs had no reason to believe that they would not be welcomed. It is true that ILs did not get affirmatively invited, but there is a lot between that and showing up last minute on a door step.

It also is not at all clear what OP wants. She appears to be just trying to figure out the "right" thing to do (which is entirely dependent on what her and her DH actually want.)

If what they want is to go to OP's parents without the ILs, they should absolutely do that. But I'm not sure why anybody needs to talk to the ILs at all. Just make your plans. No need to make a big deal out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2. I don't understand this doling out of the christmases. Why can't they both go to both and everyone be together? That is certainly in keeping with the Christmas Spirit. And parents need to understand that times change. This is not their Christmas in their house any more. If they want uninterrupted time alone, they do it at other times of the year.
The end.

Like when Mary and Joseph forced themselves into a crowded inn rather than politely staying out by the manger? Come on. Forcing yourself on people who don't want you is not in keeping with the Christmas spirit at all. They could have asked permission, but they didn't because they wanted to manipulate and use social pressure to get what they want. Rude, rude, rude. Rudeness is not the Christmas spirit. "The end."

The parents dont want them there, but you can't disinvite uninvited people if you don't know they are coming. The OP doesn't want them there either. Time for the DH to act like an adult and speak to his parents, or the OP can do it for them.

I’m sure they did ask permission and then OP’s parents said ok (because they felt pressured) but the IL’s thought it was a real invitation. I am absolutely positive they didn’t just knock on the door out of the blue. OP would have said said that if it were the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

^^^ This. Cutting other people out at holiday time is MEAN. I can't imagine even considering this.

Plenty of other times of the year to see the OPs parents solo. Maybe they can even make a tradition of it. Go on vacation together for a week every summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

^^^ This. Cutting other people out at holiday time is MEAN. I can't imagine even considering this.

Plenty of other times of the year to see the OPs parents solo. Maybe they can even make a tradition of it. Go on vacation together for a week every summer.

OP's parents were gracious enough to open their house the one time the IL's just "happened" to be in their area, alone, during the holidays. It's not cutting people out (WTF) to not want to open their doors again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

+1. For all we know, the ILs are the suck-the-air-out-of-the-room types who yammer on and on about themselves, demand all the attention from the grandkids, etc. That’s a no thanks. I wouldn’t want to spend holidays with that type, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

+1. For all we know, the ILs are the suck-the-air-out-of-the-room types who yammer on and on about themselves, demand all the attention from the grandkids, etc. That’s a no thanks. I wouldn’t want to spend holidays with that type, either.

OP likely would have mentioned this if it were the case. OP says nothing of the kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

+1. For all we know, the ILs are the suck-the-air-out-of-the-room types who yammer on and on about themselves, demand all the attention from the grandkids, etc. That’s a no thanks. I wouldn’t want to spend holidays with that type, either.

OP likely would have mentioned this if it were the case. OP says nothing of the kind.

My guess is that OP’s parents are more reserved and possibly somewhat introverted. Maybe they get their energy from being in a situation with a few people in a calm environment. The ILs might be more extroverted and like a lot of happy noise and lots of people around.

One isn’t right or wrong, they’re just different. OP’s parents deserve a holiday with their grandkids that they can fully enjoy just as much as the ILs do, correct?

[Anonymous]

Op - they basically said we know you’re going to be in x state and so we’ve arranged to go on vaca from there after Xmas so we can come join you for Xmas and the day after.
I feel like I’m gonna have to talk to my parents and say we just need to suck it up that they join. It feels too mean to say you can’t come. My feeling is they shouldn’t expect to come - but clearly they do so given that fact I think we prob just need to accept it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - they basically said we know you’re going to be in x state and so we’ve arranged to go on vaca from there after Xmas so we can come join you for Xmas and the day after.
I feel like I’m gonna have to talk to my parents and say we just need to suck it up that they join. It feels too mean to say you can’t come. My feeling is they shouldn’t expect to come - but clearly they do so given that fact I think we prob just need to accept it

Who did they say this to and when did they say it? And how did everybody respond? And if they were there for two days, where did they spend the night?

[Anonymous]

Is this about Christmas 2023? Like, in 10.5 months from now? Tell everyone to chill out and wait - you're not ready to make Christmas plans.

Figure it out with DH, and have each of you be clear with your parents directly. Whether that is sharing Christmas Day and having time with each of the before and after, or telling them you are alternating, or telling them to just deal with it, there is absolutely NO reason you need to deal with this in February unless they both live overseas and work full-time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - they basically said we know you’re going to be in x state and so we’ve arranged to go on vaca from there after Xmas so we can come join you for Xmas and the day after.
I feel like I’m gonna have to talk to my parents and say we just need to suck it up that they join. It feels too mean to say you can’t come. My feeling is they shouldn’t expect to come - but clearly they do so given that fact I think we prob just need to accept it

Why not tell them you want to alternate? How is that mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

To deal with surprise uninvited house guests on Christmas? That seems cruel.

They’re not random people/strangers. You know that.