Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Nope, he's not. She can ask him to do things, and she can do anything herself, but if anyone told me to give up my phone for any reason, I'd be the one walking out. And I'm a woman.

Don't let the door hit your *ss on the way out. And I'm a woman.

DH gave me full phone access for about a year when he cheated. That was about 8 years ago. We're mostly happy and I don't think he's done it again, but I've never let my guard down in 8 years.

+1. Same and laptop. Calls/uses FaceTime- still takes live FaceTime when at gym, etc. For a long time he always took one of the kids when he had to go somewhere. I never asked for it. He did it.

Wow. This makes me sad for you - I'm sorry you aren't able to let your guard down. I don't think I could either but I also don't think I could stay with a cheater. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Nope, he's not. She can ask him to do things, and she can do anything herself, but if anyone told me to give up my phone for any reason, I'd be the one walking out. And I'm a woman.

Don't let the door hit your *ss on the way out. And I'm a woman.

DH gave me full phone access for about a year when he cheated. That was about 8 years ago. We're mostly happy and I don't think he's done it again, but I've never let my guard down in 8 years.

+1. Same and laptop. Calls/uses FaceTime- still takes live FaceTime when at gym, etc. For a long time he always took one of the kids when he had to go somewhere. I never asked for it. He did it.

Wow. This makes me sad for you - I'm sorry you aren't able to let your guard down. I don't think I could either but I also don't think I could stay with a cheater. Hugs.

+1. What a difficult way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Nope, he's not. She can ask him to do things, and she can do anything herself, but if anyone told me to give up my phone for any reason, I'd be the one walking out. And I'm a woman.

Don't let the door hit your *ss on the way out. And I'm a woman.

DH gave me full phone access for about a year when he cheated. That was about 8 years ago. We're mostly happy and I don't think he's done it again, but I've never let my guard down in 8 years.

+1. Same and laptop. Calls/uses FaceTime- still takes live FaceTime when at gym, etc. For a long time he always took one of the kids when he had to go somewhere. I never asked for it. He did it.

Wow. This makes me sad for you - I'm sorry you aren't able to let your guard down. I don't think I could either but I also don't think I could stay with a cheater. Hugs.

+1. What a difficult way to live.

Married cheaters are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Nope, he's not. She can ask him to do things, and she can do anything herself, but if anyone told me to give up my phone for any reason, I'd be the one walking out. And I'm a woman.

Don't let the door hit your *ss on the way out. And I'm a woman.

DH gave me full phone access for about a year when he cheated. That was about 8 years ago. We're mostly happy and I don't think he's done it again, but I've never let my guard down in 8 years.

+1. Same and laptop. Calls/uses FaceTime- still takes live FaceTime when at gym, etc. For a long time he always took one of the kids when he had to go somewhere. I never asked for it. He did it.

Wow. This makes me sad for you - I'm sorry you aren't able to let your guard down. I don't think I could either but I also don't think I could stay with a cheater. Hugs.

+1. What a difficult way to live.

Married cheaters are the worst.

Yes. That’s why I have such difficulty reading from cheaters on this board or “thinking of cheating” because of the lives they ruin and severe lifelong trauma they cause.

[Anonymous]

Continue the vacation as planned.
At home research and locate the best divorce attorney you can afford. End your marriage quickly, quietly and on your terms and your schedule. He keeps nothing, all assets are now yours. He pays all costs for the divorce.

[Anonymous]

PP here. My husband did the same. it is not exactly that you live in terror. The person has to have changed signifcantly enough for you to assess whether likely you are ok and also you know what you will do. The point is the former cheater is being proactive because they are saying I broke your trust and now I am going out of my way to show you you never need to worry again. it is important that they do this and they initiate it. If it is just demanded by the betraying partner as a security measure likely won’t work because always can find a way to cheat. It has to do with the change to being able to have empathy for the spouse you betrayed.

If you have not had this happen to you you have no idea what you would do. You just think you know but you do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continue the vacation as planned.
At home research and locate the best divorce attorney you can afford. End your marriage quickly, quietly and on your terms and your schedule. He keeps nothing, all assets are now yours. He pays all costs for the divorce.

Should she also get a pony?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through this and it was complete hell. I lost 15 pounds, felt extreme anxiety, and cried every day for over a year. I'm a strong, independent person and not only was I shocked by his betrayal but also how visceral and traumatic my reaction was.

Please don't do anything hasty. Take care of yourself, gather evidence, and find 1 or 2 friends who you are discreet and you can confide in. I would not have been able to do this alone.

Also, as much as you want to, please don't believe the story he initially tells you. Pull his credit report and see if there are any credit cards you don't know about where trips and hotels would be charged. My DH's affair partner lived in another country, thousands of miles away and as soon as Covid restrictions were lifted, she came here to see him multiple times during a 4 month period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in the country she lives in or near or on this trip?

Nope 9 hour time difference

New poster.

OP, if I read your initial post right, you have only two days left on this trip before coming home, is that correct? You mention "two more days left." You also note above you're nine hours from home, so, some very long flights especially with kids.

I'm here just to say: With two, now one?, days left, intense emotion running high, and kids to get onto flights and keep contented on flights -- Today, right now, focus solely on getting through each successive hour until you are in your own home. I am NOT saying ignore what you know! I am saying that trying to start processing such a horror (and yes, it's a horror) while this far from home, with kids depending on you to get them back home, with your parents there who might go nuts on your behalf, etc. -- I would focus hard on putting one foot in front of the other hour by hour and getting home.

Someone said to tell your DH to leave immediately and go home himself with excuses about a sick parent or whatever but if he does that, he has to explain that lie later to others; your kids will wonder, maybe even be upset, that dad vanished on them when they're already out of their routines on travel, etc.

Instead, I'd tell DH as coldly and clearly as you can:
"We are on the other side of the world from home. We are due home in X hours.
--From this point until we walk in the door of our own house, you will stop your crying and explaining,
--I will have your phone in MY pocket at all times. If you need to text someone about actual work, you can dictate your text to me and I will type it.
--I will refrain for now, and for now only, from sharing this with my mother or anyone else. Not because I'm giving you any break but because we need to get through the hours until we are home. I will need support of my own to think through this huge betrayal and you don't get to choose what that support looks like, once we're home.
--The minute we are home, I will make an appointment for us both to get STI testing immediately, the next day if possible, a full panel. I'll be driving with you to your testing appointment. If you resist or balk I will take that as admission you suspect you could have an STI, so it's not something up for discussion.
--The second minute we are home, you and I will be busy settling the kids, but as soon as they are asleep that night, we will talk about next steps. I do not believe that you have gone three years without having sex with this woman, based on the intensity of your sexting, and on the fact you travel for work. I have already taken and sent myself screen shots of your texts so I never doubt myself about what I saw.
--Do not interpret my calmness over these next few days of our trip as my being OK with anything. At all. Ever. Even if you were "only" sexting, that is an emotional affair and still an affair. I also can't believe you were only sexting.

Yes, it's a list of orders. Because he does not deserve to be asked, only told.

Yeah, no. You can't control anyone else, you can only control yourself. He's not your prisoner.

For the next few days, while they are on the other side of the world and she has had a nuclear bomb dropped on her?

Yes, he is her prisoner. She sure as f**k can and should "control" his phone for the very few hours left in their trip. If he's not a complete fool, he'll see that, since he's already sobbing and begging, if he wants to make that act convincing, he'll hand over his phone for now. And she should take it and turn it all the way off and leave it that way. The other woman will be texting him and lose her mind that he's not texting her back. Plus: He and the OW won't be as easily able to cook up a tale about how it's "only" sexting. He will sweat. He should sweat. Sure, he'll get it back. But until they're home in the US in two days? Nope, not until then.

Yes, she gets to issue some ultimatums right now. Sorry if you think "you can't control anyone else." In the end you can't. But you missed that the entire post above yours is about the next few days only, and OP getting through each successive HOUR untll they are home. In her shoes I'd tell him if he doesn't hand over his phone (and any other means of communication with the OW like a tablet or whatever), she will take that as his admitting he will not stop texting the woman and wants to divorce OP. He, not OP, blew up this marriage; he can grovel and keep his mouth and his texting fingers to himself for two effing days while they end this trip, try to keep from imploding in front of the kids, and OP gets calm time to think.

Nope, he's not. She can ask him to do things, and she can do anything herself, but if anyone told me to give up my phone for any reason, I'd be the one walking out. And I'm a woman.

Don't let the door hit your *ss on the way out. And I'm a woman.

Oh, there was never a doubt in my mind that you were a woman. You’re one of the wretches on here who acts like she’s lost her damn mind whenever the topic of adultery comes up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue the vacation as planned.
At home research and locate the best divorce attorney you can afford. End your marriage quickly, quietly and on your terms and your schedule. He keeps nothing, all assets are now yours. He pays all costs for the divorce.

Should she also get a pony?

Haha! And a sparkly tiara that reads “I was wronged.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continue the vacation as planned.
At home research and locate the best divorce attorney you can afford. End your marriage quickly, quietly and on your terms and your schedule. He keeps nothing, all assets are now yours. He pays all costs for the divorce.

LOL. If only life worked like this. There would be many well to do divorced women.


OP-Sadly I was in your shoes except my family was staying with us from the other end of the world and my dad was very sick so it was likely going to be my last visit with them. Discovered affair by accident. DH only confessed to what was convenient for him. I didn't tell my parents and muscled through our time together for their sake and that of my children. It was the hardest thing I did. I thought that getting his family on my side would help but it never does. Be prepared for his family to take his side no matter how close you think you are. Get an attorney quick because even promises of an amicable split will turn acrimonious. Mine didn't turn truly acrimonious until 1 year into our separation when he wanted full custody of the children because he wanted to move in with his affair partner. Be careful! This is the beginning of a very painful journey.

[Anonymous]

If he can keep this secret then he's probably messed around with a few others. He probably just didn't keep in touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue the vacation as planned.
At home research and locate the best divorce attorney you can afford. End your marriage quickly, quietly and on your terms and your schedule. He keeps nothing, all assets are now yours. He pays all costs for the divorce.

LOL. If only life worked like this. There would be many well to do divorced women.


OP-Sadly I was in your shoes except my family was staying with us from the other end of the world and my dad was very sick so it was likely going to be my last visit with them. Discovered affair by accident. DH only confessed to what was convenient for him. I didn't tell my parents and muscled through our time together for their sake and that of my children. It was the hardest thing I did. I thought that getting his family on my side would help but it never does. Be prepared for his family to take his side no matter how close you think you are. Get an attorney quick because even promises of an amicable split will turn acrimonious. Mine didn't turn truly acrimonious until 1 year into our separation when he wanted full custody of the children because he wanted to move in with his affair partner. Be careful! This is the beginning of a very painful journey.

Actually I had a close family friend go through a cheating scandal and her husband's ENTIRE family took her side. His mother was furious and his sisters stopped speaking to him. One of his daughters didn't want to speak to him on her death bed. So it really depends but I guess he cheated and had a side baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue the vacation as planned.
At home research and locate the best divorce attorney you can afford. End your marriage quickly, quietly and on your terms and your schedule. He keeps nothing, all assets are now yours. He pays all costs for the divorce.

LOL. If only life worked like this. There would be many well to do divorced women.


OP-Sadly I was in your shoes except my family was staying with us from the other end of the world and my dad was very sick so it was likely going to be my last visit with them. Discovered affair by accident. DH only confessed to what was convenient for him. I didn't tell my parents and muscled through our time together for their sake and that of my children. It was the hardest thing I did. I thought that getting his family on my side would help but it never does. Be prepared for his family to take his side no matter how close you think you are. Get an attorney quick because even promises of an amicable split will turn acrimonious. Mine didn't turn truly acrimonious until 1 year into our separation when he wanted full custody of the children because he wanted to move in with his affair partner. Be careful! This is the beginning of a very painful journey.

This is absolutely right and as it should be. If my DH cheated I'd expect that his family would still always love him and support him. They might think he's a jerk, also think I'm wronged, but he is their SON, BROTHER, UNCLE. He is theirs. I am not. Just like if I cheated I would expect my parents and siblings to support me. They might privately tell me I'm in the wrong, but they would be there for me. I have no doubt about either of those situations.

[Anonymous]

I would consult an attorney and get him to sign a post-nuptial agreement with a cheating clause as soon as possible. It’ll make him think twice and help you protect yourself financially at least.