Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue the vacation as planned.
At home research and locate the best divorce attorney you can afford. End your marriage quickly, quietly and on your terms and your schedule. He keeps nothing, all assets are now yours. He pays all costs for the divorce.

Should she also get a pony?

Seriously. If this is the deal I will set my husband up to cheat.

[Anonymous]

When my ex husband cheated, his family definitely took my side and let him know exactly how they felt about his actions. This is not how I want things to be but to this day they still treat me as family and invite me to all family functions, while some of his siblings have not even met his affair partner that he went on to marry and have a child with. And 8 years have gone by. While going through it, having their support was extremely helpful in getting through what was the worst time of my life. He's repaired the relationship with some family members but it really did cause some irreparable damage and set his now wife up to have a very hard time establishing herself in the family. The worst part about cheaters is their complete inability to see situations for what they are at the expense of others. Good luck OP! No way I would tell your Mom unless you're definitely leaving him. She won't be able to accept or ever look at him the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue the vacation as planned.
At home research and locate the best divorce attorney you can afford. End your marriage quickly, quietly and on your terms and your schedule. He keeps nothing, all assets are now yours. He pays all costs for the divorce.

Should she also get a pony?

That is not how divorce works. No one gets more asked that because they discovered cheating. Still split 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

+1

He says it’s “just texting.” At this point there is no reason to believe he is telling the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. My husband did the same. it is not exactly that you live in terror. The person has to have changed signifcantly enough for you to assess whether likely you are ok and also you know what you will do. The point is the former cheater is being proactive because they are saying I broke your trust and now I am going out of my way to show you you never need to worry again. it is important that they do this and they initiate it. If it is just demanded by the betraying partner as a security measure likely won’t work because always can find a way to cheat. It has to do with the change to being able to have empathy for the spouse you betrayed.

If you have not had this happen to you you have no idea what you would do. You just think you know but you do not.

I posted farther above that for now--in the remaining two days they are on travel outside the country -- she should tell him she needs to be the one with his phone. I'd tell my spouse that if he did not let me keep his switched-off phone on me I'd assume he was texting his affair partner because I can't trust him NOT to.

But I totally agree with you that HE has to initiate giving her full access to everything. Just clarifying that to me, for these few days left on this huge trip, I would want him to give me his phone and/or tablet etc. as a mark that he was committed not to communicate with the other woman while we were trying to get kids back from halfway across the world. But yes, the DH does have to be the one that voluntarily shows the OP everything once they are past these few immensely difficult days.

[Anonymous]

Find out if she's married.

[Anonymous]

As you read the messages did he ever mention you or talk about you to her?

[Anonymous]

PP — Totally agree OP should hold phone until home.

One note of caution. If you read everything you may never be able to recover. It is all PTSD and you are going to have his words in your mind over and over. My dh deleted a lot before I saw everything and I think that might have been ok now 3 plus years later,

I did do a full chronology of every moment and cross examined him because I needed to know basically everything. Which hotels, cities, jewelry, what her husband knew, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me when we were dating and of course it kept going. We had a couple of long talks where he explained that his mother abandoned him ( which is true) and his ex wife cheated on him (which I suspect is true but probably only after she realized he was cheating on her…). Anyway, I tried to wrap my brain around his fear of abandonment and the comfort he derived from knowing he could still attract women. Things were good for about ten years and he cheated now and then but always told me about it and I felt confident that his one night stands didn’t mean anything.

Now, 15 years after we got married, he wants a divorce. He met someone else and is leaving me for her.

There are going to be some people that will suggest you forgive him, you try to see his perspective, you accept his flaws, etc. I would have told you the same thing.

Now my advice is just to end it. The odds are good he is always going to cheat and he will eventually leave you. Leave now and try to heal, get some therapy, focus on making your kids feel secure and hopefully you will find someone who deserves you down the road.

For the next 48 hours do your best to put on a happy face in front of your kids and family - they might as well enjoy the rest of their trip.

Please don't tell me you were selfish enough to have kids. And please tell me you're getting therapy for your obviously terrible self esteem.

Please don't take the advice [more like jabs] of someone who indulges in victim blaming as a hobby.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. Been there, although it was in Nashville and my parents were not there.

Make a list of the numbers 1-48 and cross off one for each hour you get through.

Do not tell his or your relatives unless and until you are ready to end your marriage. That may be now and it may be a year from now but: not until whenever it is. It is a bell that cannot be unrung.

Keep your hands on the kids’ passports, including when you get home.

Do not allow this man to vent or cry or hyperventilate to you.

When you arrive home, print complete copies of your financial statements as of now and make appointments with a lawyer and an individual therapist for you. If he wants couples’ counseling, let him be the one to find it.

[Anonymous]

I'm 8k miles lady and I would say that 8 years out my guard is down.

This may not be helpful to posters who didn't see any signs, but my husband was super off for the six months of the affair. He kept picking fights when he was always conflict averse before. He looked terrible, was overdrinking, and kept complaining about how stressed he was. He had this rule about not outright lying and so we kept having these conversations that didn't make sense. If he was trying to get out of a direct question, his pupils would get big and he'd look like someone trying to hold in a fart, lol. Basically I spent six months trying to put my finger on what was wrong. I was married to affair guy for 6 months. I've known my husband for 25 years.

I think I remember his phone password? IDK. Actually no, I don't think I do. But I could just ask to see it. I guess my take-away is that I am strong. I have always gotten through everything bad that's happened to me. I could get through finding out he cheated again. I'd leave. It would be hard but my whole world doesn't hinge on one person. He could also die tomorrow . . . there are no guarantees in life. You make the best choices you can with the information you have at hand. You can't ever trust a person or a situation 100%, but you can trust yourself and your ability to get through hard things. If he cheats again, maybe I'd find out slightly sooner by being hypervigilant and holding him prisoner now. But that type of relationship would harm me too. I trust that if it happens again, I will find out without having to turn into a super spy.

It's hard to love the really messy bits of your partner, especially when those messy bits caused you trauma. But I don't think it's impossible to see your partner as a whole human who has weaknesses, just like you, who has hurt people he loves, just like you. You can choose forgiveness, even if sometimes it's harder to feel it in your bones than in others. Life is short. This is the marriage I'm choosing, and I'm going to do my part to make it best that it can be. That's all I can do . . . my part. And have boundaries and an exit strategy if the two-way street gets closed down. Affairs are a rude awakening to that reality, but the truth is that we never could control our partners or keep ourselves safe from all harm.

OP, I hope you've been able to eat some and sleep some (but if not, that's very very normal). And I hope you're home or will be soon and you can get into cocoon mode. Please reach out if you need any support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. Been there, although it was in Nashville and my parents were not there.

Make a list of the numbers 1-48 and cross off one for each hour you get through.

Do not tell his or your relatives unless and until you are ready to end your marriage. That may be now and it may be a year from now but: not until whenever it is. It is a bell that cannot be unrung.

Keep your hands on the kids’ passports, including when you get home.

Do not allow this man to vent or cry or hyperventilate to you.

When you arrive home, print complete copies of your financial statements as of now and make appointments with a lawyer and an individual therapist for you. If he wants couples’ counseling, let him be the one to find it.

And: 100% agree that you need a postnup if you are remaining married. And by that I mean for any length of time.

[Anonymous]

PP October 2019 poster here and agree with 8 years person 100%. Dh was in a dark place during the time cheating. I decided to see if he could get out as part of fulfilling my vow of “for better or for worse.” I agree you need to know you can and will leave if need be (kick him out) and first marriage is dead. But you can have a really good secondmarriage as hard as it is to believe right now. I also was so happy before but also overlooked things and did not demand to be treated as well as I have since. Freedom is nothing left to lose and you can set the terms now as much as you want. Your heartbreak, your rules.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone really text/sext for three years straight?? I wouldn’t believe that