Sister recently said our Stepdad sexually abused her

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you for all the replies, even the ones flaming me. The perspective is useful.

My sister has always maintained that it wasn’t rape. I don’t really know the details and didn’t feel right asking my sister about them. She said it was a pattern, many incidents over a period of many years. Our mom used to travel for work and would leave my sister alone with stepdad (and me and our other sibling, but we didn’t know anything was amiss).

Even though my sister is extremely financially successful, she does have a pattern of being a bit of a pot stirrer within the family. For example, she once sent a letter to several family members stating that our mom was financially abusing our grandfather and trying to get everyone on board to take over grandpa’s finances. She also reported our mom to adult protective services for elder abuse. I was not involved in any of this, but it is true that our mom was probably taking advantage of grandpa for many years.

My sister does not really like that I talk to our mom and historically, mom and sister have sometimes been competitive over me and my sibling. A teeny tiny part of me wonders if this isn’t the ultimate card that my sister has to play to get me over to her side and burn the bridge with mom, once and for all.

I’m just explaining why I’m slightly less tenacious about this than I maybe should be.

Regardless, I appreciate the discussion here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean groping and touching? Like naked body parts touching? Or like she interpreted touch over clothing as bad?

Groping is a sexual assault

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for all the replies, even the ones flaming me. The perspective is useful.

My sister has always maintained that it wasn’t rape. I don’t really know the details and didn’t feel right asking my sister about them. She said it was a pattern, many incidents over a period of many years. Our mom used to travel for work and would leave my sister alone with stepdad (and me and our other sibling, but we didn’t know anything was amiss).

Even though my sister is extremely financially successful, she does have a pattern of being a bit of a pot stirrer within the family. For example, she once sent a letter to several family members stating that our mom was financially abusing our grandfather and trying to get everyone on board to take over grandpa’s finances. She also reported our mom to adult protective services for elder abuse. I was not involved in any of this, but it is true that our mom was probably taking advantage of grandpa for many years.

My sister does not really like that I talk to our mom and historically, mom and sister have sometimes been competitive over me and my sibling. A teeny tiny part of me wonders if this isn’t the ultimate card that my sister has to play to get me over to her side and burn the bridge with mom, once and for all.

I’m just explaining why I’m slightly less tenacious about this than I maybe should be.

Regardless, I appreciate the discussion here.

So your reasoning for not believing her is that she once (accurately) accused your mom of elder abuse?

Sorry to say it but you sound like a coward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean groping and touching? Like naked body parts touching? Or like she interpreted touch over clothing as bad?

Groping is a sexual assault

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for all the replies, even the ones flaming me. The perspective is useful.

My sister has always maintained that it wasn’t rape. I don’t really know the details and didn’t feel right asking my sister about them. She said it was a pattern, many incidents over a period of many years. Our mom used to travel for work and would leave my sister alone with stepdad (and me and our other sibling, but we didn’t know anything was amiss).

Even though my sister is extremely financially successful, she does have a pattern of being a bit of a pot stirrer within the family. For example, she once sent a letter to several family members stating that our mom was financially abusing our grandfather and trying to get everyone on board to take over grandpa’s finances. She also reported our mom to adult protective services for elder abuse. I was not involved in any of this, but it is true that our mom was probably taking advantage of grandpa for many years.

My sister does not really like that I talk to our mom and historically, mom and sister have sometimes been competitive over me and my sibling. A teeny tiny part of me wonders if this isn’t the ultimate card that my sister has to play to get me over to her side and burn the bridge with mom, once and for all.

I’m just explaining why I’m slightly less tenacious about this than I maybe should be.

Regardless, I appreciate the discussion here.

If you believe your sister was telling the truth about your grandfather, why are you calling her a pot stirrer? She's someone who calls out abuse and maybe has some anger toward your mother, but I think it's pretty understandable, given the way your mother has clearly failed her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for all the replies, even the ones flaming me. The perspective is useful.

My sister has always maintained that it wasn’t rape. I don’t really know the details and didn’t feel right asking my sister about them. She said it was a pattern, many incidents over a period of many years. Our mom used to travel for work and would leave my sister alone with stepdad (and me and our other sibling, but we didn’t know anything was amiss).

Even though my sister is extremely financially successful, she does have a pattern of being a bit of a pot stirrer within the family. For example, she once sent a letter to several family members stating that our mom was financially abusing our grandfather and trying to get everyone on board to take over grandpa’s finances. She also reported our mom to adult protective services for elder abuse. I was not involved in any of this, but it is true that our mom was probably taking advantage of grandpa for many years.

My sister does not really like that I talk to our mom and historically, mom and sister have sometimes been competitive over me and my sibling. A teeny tiny part of me wonders if this isn’t the ultimate card that my sister has to play to get me over to her side and burn the bridge with mom, once and for all.

I’m just explaining why I’m slightly less tenacious about this than I maybe should be.

Regardless, I appreciate the discussion here.

It sounds like your family is pretty toxic.
Because of that reason alone I would not go vacation with them.

[Anonymous]

You doing mental gymnastics because not spending time with your step dad is too much work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean groping and touching? Like naked body parts touching? Or like she interpreted touch over clothing as bad?

Op here. She said it was things like cuddling and touching each other in bed, without being fully clothed (but not completely naked either). And I guess he “accidentally” exposed himself to her a few times. And made a lot of comments about her being like a “mini-wife” to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean groping and touching? Like naked body parts touching? Or like she interpreted touch over clothing as bad?

Op here. She said it was things like cuddling and touching each other in bed, without being fully clothed (but not completely naked either). And I guess he “accidentally” exposed himself to her a few times. And made a lot of comments about her being like a “mini-wife” to him.

And you don’t believe her? Or you think it’s not a big deal and you want to crowd source it for strangers to confirm that it’s not a big deal?

Here you go: it’s a big deal. It’s sexual abuse. It’s extremely damaging. Why you would ever, ever, ever dream of ever bringing your kids around someone like this is a great mystery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean groping and touching? Like naked body parts touching? Or like she interpreted touch over clothing as bad?

Op here. She said it was things like cuddling and touching each other in bed, without being fully clothed (but not completely naked either). And I guess he “accidentally” exposed himself to her a few times. And made a lot of comments about her being like a “mini-wife” to him.

That is messed up sh!t, OP. Stay away from stepdad.

[Anonymous]

So your plan is to go, take your kids, and be hypervigilant until they’re tweens/early teenagers? You’re going to let them sit on step grandpa’s lap and read stories at Christmas until they’re 9 or so? Or you’re going to tell them they can sit on everyone’s lap but step grandpa? When one of them bonds with him, and goes to him to kiss a scrape and put a bandaid on their knee, you’re going to step in and cause a scene to keep step grandpa from doing a seemingly perfectly normal part of grand parenting, except he’s a child molester who might be grooming your child? You’re going to normalize his presence and teach your kids to respect his authority? You’re going to let them hug him when they say hello and goodbye? What happens when they ask for him to be the one to tuck them into bed? Or when they want grandma and step grandpa, and it’s a little crowded for you and your wife to join? Do you pick those moments to say no thanks, Mom and Mr. Molester, keep your hands off my kids? Or do you go along with the situation to keep the peace?

You know child molesters don’t just decide to act one day and then it’s over don’t you? They groom their victims? That word gets tossed around a lot but have you ever really considered what constitutes grooming? It’s all those little actions that build trust, make you feel secure, and normalize what he wants, the things that make you second guess yourself because he’s such a nice guy. Well yeah he patted her bottom, but that was normal when he was a young man, he probably patted everyone’s bottom from his kids to his secretary to his football teammates. Then you’re not sure what’s really happening so you say you’ll watch more closely, but damn these men are sneaky. The manipulation and mind games are more than a child can navigate, and he’s clearly had practice.

Don’t be more upset with your sister for calling out your parents’ immoral and illegal behavior. Be angry with your parents. Talk to your wife, and please talk to a therapist. That you’re thinking your parents are okay but your sister is a problem and you’re considering feeding your kids to a child molester because he’s not a rapist, just a groper, that all says you don’t have the healthiest perspective of family and responding to problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for all the replies, even the ones flaming me. The perspective is useful.

My sister has always maintained that it wasn’t rape. I don’t really know the details and didn’t feel right asking my sister about them. She said it was a pattern, many incidents over a period of many years. Our mom used to travel for work and would leave my sister alone with stepdad (and me and our other sibling, but we didn’t know anything was amiss).

Even though my sister is extremely financially successful, she does have a pattern of being a bit of a pot stirrer within the family. For example, she once sent a letter to several family members stating that our mom was financially abusing our grandfather and trying to get everyone on board to take over grandpa’s finances. She also reported our mom to adult protective services for elder abuse. I was not involved in any of this, but it is true that our mom was probably taking advantage of grandpa for many years.

My sister does not really like that I talk to our mom and historically, mom and sister have sometimes been competitive over me and my sibling. A teeny tiny part of me wonders if this isn’t the ultimate card that my sister has to play to get me over to her side and burn the bridge with mom, once and for all.

I’m just explaining why I’m slightly less tenacious about this than I maybe should be.

Regardless, I appreciate the discussion here.

She's a pot stirrer because she accurately called out elder abuse and did something about it? She's a physician, so trained to identify it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in my twenties at a family party when I went to say goodbye to a family friend of my parents who was ridiculously drunk.

As I leaned in for the traditional slight hug/feigned kiss on the cheek that is customary in my family, he groped my boob. Not an accident, A double squeeze.

This was at a party with tons of people present. He was so drunk I don't even know if he remembers it.

I never forgot it.

Do not think that you can adequately watch your kids to prevent them from being inappropriately touched.

[Anonymous]

You call your sister a pot stirrer for rightfully identifying elder financial abuse? What does she have to gain from being a successful doctor having to warn you about your stepfather. Get over yourself you are in denial. Does your wife know about this? OP wake up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for all the replies, even the ones flaming me. The perspective is useful.

My sister has always maintained that it wasn’t rape. I don’t really know the details and didn’t feel right asking my sister about them. She said it was a pattern, many incidents over a period of many years. Our mom used to travel for work and would leave my sister alone with stepdad (and me and our other sibling, but we didn’t know anything was amiss).

Even though my sister is extremely financially successful, she does have a pattern of being a bit of a pot stirrer within the family. For example, she once sent a letter to several family members stating that our mom was financially abusing our grandfather and trying to get everyone on board to take over grandpa’s finances. She also reported our mom to adult protective services for elder abuse. I was not involved in any of this, but it is true that our mom was probably taking advantage of grandpa for many years.

My sister does not really like that I talk to our mom and historically, mom and sister have sometimes been competitive over me and my sibling. A teeny tiny part of me wonders if this isn’t the ultimate card that my sister has to play to get me over to her side and burn the bridge with mom, once and for all.

I’m just explaining why I’m slightly less tenacious about this than I maybe should be.

Regardless, I appreciate the discussion here.

If you believe your sister was telling the truth about your grandfather, why are you calling her a pot stirrer? She's someone who calls out abuse and maybe has some anger toward your mother, but I think it's pretty understandable, given the way your mother has clearly failed her.

+1 - how is she a pot stirrer if what she alleged is true? And pretty bad?!

I am very, very interested to hear your wife's perspective here. In my own marriage I am the in-law looking in at a weird backstabbing dynamic created by my MIL against another SIL. I wonder how your wife perceives your sister's actions.