Sister recently said our Stepdad sexually abused her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean groping and touching? Like naked body parts touching? Or like she interpreted touch over clothing as bad?

Op here. She said it was things like cuddling and touching each other in bed, without being fully clothed (but not completely naked either). And I guess he “accidentally” exposed himself to her a few times. And made a lot of comments about her being like a “mini-wife” to him.

Wow. I'm a PP who spoke about abuse from my stepfather, and he said the same thing to me -- that he viewed me as more of a wife than a daughter. Sick stuff.

If/when your own kids find out that you took them to visit an abuser, thereby giving him a pass/looking the other way... what kind of an example do you think that sets for them about how such abusers should be handled?

[Anonymous]

I didn’t realize OP was a man and this all makes more sense now. Not believing a woman. Typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t realize OP was a man and this all makes more sense now. Not believing a woman. Typical.

+1. It also makes sense because often the abuser will target multiple people in the family. OP was excluded from the abuse presumably because he was a boy and stepdad was not attracted to males. I'm curious if the other sibling is a man or woman. If the other sibling is a woman, it is likely stepdad may have targeted her as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you can't get your money back for the vacation shouldn't be a factor at all. I would not take the chance. If your stepdad abused your kids, how could you ever forgive yourself???

Op here. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself! But also, DW and I will both be there and our kids would never be alone with stepdad.

This is a very dumb approach. Sexual abuse is done in a very hidden in plain sight kind of way. Why would you even risk it??

Op here. I mean I really can’t see how my kids would be at risk. They sleep in the same bed or the same room as me and DW when we travel. My stepdad has never been alone with them. Also, my kids are younger and my sister said the abuse didn’t start until she was 13/14. I’m not saying we have to go or that we will, but just trying to see how it really would put my kids at risk.

So you’ve already made up your mind and you just came here to get validation for your choice. So what’s the point of the post again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those don’t exactly seem like reasons to not believe your sister. In fact they make the narrative more plausible to me. But obviously you know more than I do.

I personally wouldn’t risk having my kids around somebody who had been accused of sexual assault of children. It might not be fair but I just couldn’t risk it.

+2 Estrangement is a natural result of not being believed/protected in the face of sexual abuse

Women aligning with their husbands appears to be a far more common response than believing and helping their kids

Denial isn’t just a river in Africa

There is no river in Africa named “Denial.”

Oh my God, dude.

[Anonymous]

As a parent, I don't see how you could enjoy a trip where you were constantly keeping the eye in the back of your head on stepdad at all times.

My husband's parents got divorced when we were adults and she's now on husband #3. For various reasons, we think he's immature, obtuse, and not good at anticipating and respecting boundaries. Do we have any evidence he's ever molested a child? No. Do we have good reason to trust him? No. So we decided together that we would never let our kids be alone with him. It made for some awkward situations as my MIL was anxious for one on one sleepovers, but for goodness' sake this is one of those situations where it is a million times better to be safe than to be sorry.

You say your sister is high drama and unreliable, and yet she's managed to become a doctor (!) and have a stable family of her own. Now imagine that she was just abused and them blamed for it instead. That seems to fit the facts better.

I think you should see a counselor because it's a lot to take in to realize that abuse was happening under your nose and that you allowed the abusers to blame the victim rather than take ownership. And please please avoid situations where your children are around step-dad for long periods of time or without you present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean groping and touching? Like naked body parts touching? Or like she interpreted touch over clothing as bad?

Does it matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister recently told me that our stepdad sexually abused her. She did not provide a lot of details, and I didn’t press her. She said it wasn’t rape, but more like groping and touching. She says our mom knew and would help create opportunities for the abuse to happen. My sister said she wanted me to know because I have my own kids now who are around stepdad and mom.

What are my next steps? I have plans this summer to visit my mom and stepdad with my kids. We are planning to rent a cabin together on a lake. It’s already paid for and arranged. Do I cancel?

I am not totally sure I believe my sister. My sister and mom have had a lot of drama over the years. They’ve been estranged for 10 years now. My sister struggles with depression and anxiety but she has a very successful career as a doctor. She’s married and has her own kids who have never met our mother and stepdad.

Do I talk to my mom about this? What about our other sibling?

I wouldn’t automatically believe your sister. I would still go and watch carefully.

Why wouldn’t you? Watch for what??

Because it’s a big accusation and until proven guilty you can’t assume a person did something horrendous like that.

Uh, no, “Innocent until proven guilty” is for a court of law. Protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean groping and touching? Like naked body parts touching? Or like she interpreted touch over clothing as bad?

Op here. She said it was things like cuddling and touching each other in bed, without being fully clothed (but not completely naked either). And I guess he “accidentally” exposed himself to her a few times. And made a lot of comments about her being like a “mini-wife” to him.

The whole thing is horrible, but this is something no child or teen would make up. They don't have the words for it. This guy is a freaking creep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean groping and touching? Like naked body parts touching? Or like she interpreted touch over clothing as bad?

Does it matter?

Yeah this comment is messed up! A stepdad shouldn’t be touching his stepdaughter over her clothes or not!

[Anonymous]

I think this is a troll.

So, you think your sister is lying?

[Anonymous]

You cancel the trip. Of course your mom and sister have a lot of drama. I would blow this up too. Confront your mother and step-dad. Tell the other sibling.

[Anonymous]

You've clearly been groomed to see you sister as a pot stirrer and trouble maker. Your mother did this with your step father. I don't even know if it was a conscious decision, but rather a survival technique on your mother's part to keep from having to ever address the part she has played in allowing her daughter's abuse just because she cant be without a man.

I hope you're a troll, op. Your words are incredibly disturbing.

[Anonymous]

1. Don’t go, believe your sister. Talk to your wife.

2. If you’re worried about the money, buy a “cancel for any reason“ trip insurance policy. You’re still far enough out from next summer to get a valid policy. But you need to do it now.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP who asked why you hadn't talked to your wife about this. Your timeline isn't adding up.

the post title says - sister recently said..... Which I would consider the last couple of weeks or so

your reasoning behind not asking your wife is that " this all just happened" ( as someone pointed out... so you came to DCUM first?)

and your explanation says " she has always maintained that it was not rape" as if it has been talked about before.

So - this is not new info for you... you are just now thinking about maybe believing your sister or you're a troll?