In-laws are mad that we are inviting others to Christmas dinner. How to resolve this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable for a couple who are traveling from several hours away to have Christmas dinner with their family to wish that it were just their family. Personally, I would have asked them first if we were ok if perfect strangers be invited to attend as well.

If they are there for a few days, how many other meals are the family sharing together already?
Maybe conversation would be lagging by Christmas dinner, making it fun to inject new company.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite the family over any other night in December for hot chocolate, cookie decorating, ornament making, Christmas music, or whatever for a festive neighborly gathering that can be fun for the kids.

Uh, no. OP should not, and will not, rescind an already-extended invitation to Christmas dinner to indulge her MIL’s nasty toddler temper tantrum.

Oh just stop. It wasn't an invitation engraved in stone. Maybe neighbor felt put on the spot at the initial asking. His kids will probably be bored out of their minds anyway.

It was an invitation. It does not need to be "in stone." You just stop. If you don't have the manners to understand that you don't take back a holiday invitation, someone in your upbringing failed you.

When it comes down to it I doubt this will be the hill OP wants to die on with her inlaws. The kids would most likely rather stay home than eat with some random elderly people they have never met. Some of you clearly don’t even have kids. This doesn’t even seem about a good deed anymore, who benefits the most?

Sorry, no, I would never rescind an invitation just to make peace with my in-laws. I don't think the financial status of the family even matters. It's just a neighborly thing to invite others over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite the family over any other night in December for hot chocolate, cookie decorating, ornament making, Christmas music, or whatever for a festive neighborly gathering that can be fun for the kids.

Uh, no. OP should not, and will not, rescind an already-extended invitation to Christmas dinner to indulge her MIL’s nasty toddler temper tantrum.

Oh just stop. It wasn't an invitation engraved in stone. Maybe neighbor felt put on the spot at the initial asking. His kids will probably be bored out of their minds anyway.

It was an invitation. It does not need to be "in stone." You just stop. If you don't have the manners to understand that you don't take back a holiday invitation, someone in your upbringing failed you.

When it comes down to it I doubt this will be the hill OP wants to die on with her inlaws. The kids would most likely rather stay home than eat with some random elderly people they have never met. Some of you clearly don’t even have kids. This doesn’t even seem about a good deed anymore, who benefits the most?

Sorry, no, I would never rescind an invitation just to make peace with my in-laws. I don't think the financial status of the family even matters. It's just a neighborly thing to invite others over.

We get you wouldn't, but none everyone takes a hard line on everything and many actively try to find solutions that makes everyone happy. Which is what I think OP was looking for when she asked about a resolution. Merry Christmas!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable for a couple who are traveling from several hours away to have Christmas dinner with their family to wish that it were just their family. Personally, I would have asked them first if we were ok if perfect strangers be invited to attend as well.

If they are there for a few days, how many other meals are the family sharing together already?
Maybe conversation would be lagging by Christmas dinner, making it fun to inject new company.

Huh?

The in laws are there for several days, so I don't see why they are being so precious about sharing one meal with non-family - they can eat as a family without the neighbors for about 11 other meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said 13 people would be there for dinner. Assuming you and your spouse have two kids, that is four people. Plus OP's parents makes 6 people. Plus OP's in law parents makes 8 people. Let's assume the neighbor dad has two kids. That makes 11 people. Who are the other two people?

Me, DH, my mom, dad, mil, fil, 2 sils, Dh’s cousin, neighbor and his 3 kids.

Besides a 2 hour dinner you get the MIL-FIL staying in your house for days? Subjecting your parents also to them for days? A DC of mine has a hideous MIL, lives locally, plan for anything is now to meet at a restaurant or stop at MIL residence where there is control over time exposed. No over for meals or visits.

Plus guest list could expand if sils or cousins bring some one otherwise alone. We and our adult DC were left off a 30 person open house thing at that MILs so there is no reason to include it for more intimate core nuclear family type stuff at our house or their house. Adult DC went with spouse and got rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although I am fine with everyone celebrating Christmas however they want, our family has a lot of family traditions that we look forward to every year and I would be disappointed if I found out MIL had invited the neighbour family. Obviously her choice but it would change everything about the day for us and the kids. We hang out in PJs which I would not do with strangers and we have lots of just family chat and jokes that would not be appropriate with strangers at the meal. It is a very different social event when people you have never met are present vs family you are comfortable with. We also open gifts throughout the day and since we wouldn’t have gifts for the neighbour family, we wouldn’t do our gift giving as it would be very rude to do in front of others, especially kids. We also play games in the afternoon and those can get very competitive but since we all know each other it is a friendly competitive but I wouldn’t be comfortable playing games with a neighbour family present as our banter could make them very uncomfortable and they would be at a disadvantage. Basically all our traditions would need to be put on hold as they are based on a shared foundation and comfort level with each other and having a family present that we don’t know and they don’t know us would mean those traditions would not happen. I also expect my kids to act differently and I supervise them differently when in the company of new people and adults they have never met vs with grandparents and well known family.

OP has a right to do Christmas as she wishes but I can see why MIL is disappointed if she thought she was coming to spend Christmas with family vs with neighbours she has never met.

Yes, everyone has traditions, including, as others have pointed out, welcoming people to share in their celebrations.
A lot of the descriptions of your family traditions seem very kid-focused, and the OP doesn’t have any kids. Are you suggesting that as adults, things like opening gifts, wearing PJs, playing games, and banter are so essential to some celebrations that altering them to welcome guests — including children — would be problematic for you and your husband?

[Anonymous]

The whole "we have family traditions so no outsiders" is weird to me. Are you doing something illegal? Like what is so precious that sharing your home and meal and "traditions" is so sacred?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although I am fine with everyone celebrating Christmas however they want, our family has a lot of family traditions that we look forward to every year and I would be disappointed if I found out MIL had invited the neighbour family. Obviously her choice but it would change everything about the day for us and the kids. We hang out in PJs which I would not do with strangers and we have lots of just family chat and jokes that would not be appropriate with strangers at the meal. It is a very different social event when people you have never met are present vs family you are comfortable with. We also open gifts throughout the day and since we wouldn’t have gifts for the neighbour family, we wouldn’t do our gift giving as it would be very rude to do in front of others, especially kids. We also play games in the afternoon and those can get very competitive but since we all know each other it is a friendly competitive but I wouldn’t be comfortable playing games with a neighbour family present as our banter could make them very uncomfortable and they would be at a disadvantage. Basically all our traditions would need to be put on hold as they are based on a shared foundation and comfort level with each other and having a family present that we don’t know and they don’t know us would mean those traditions would not happen. I also expect my kids to act differently and I supervise them differently when in the company of new people and adults they have never met vs with grandparents and well known family.

OP has a right to do Christmas as she wishes but I can see why MIL is disappointed if she thought she was coming to spend Christmas with family vs with neighbours she has never met.

It's dinner. They are coming for the Christmas dinner. They are not going to be opening presents the morning of with the family and the op doesn't have kids. A MIL presumably in her 50s or 60s should be able to adjust to include a family friend of her son and DIL who doesn't have anyone to be with. Come on. I know what you're saying, I like having my immediate family traditions too but this isn't like the neighbors are going to be there all day long and this isn't about kids. In this situation, the in-laws should ABSOLUTELY be inclusive, warm, and welcoming. That is the kind thing to do. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Although I am fine with everyone celebrating Christmas however they want, our family has a lot of family traditions that we look forward to every year and I would be disappointed if I found out MIL had invited the neighbour family. Obviously her choice but it would change everything about the day for us and the kids. We hang out in PJs which I would not do with strangers and we have lots of just family chat and jokes that would not be appropriate with strangers at the meal. It is a very different social event when people you have never met are present vs family you are comfortable with. We also open gifts throughout the day and since we wouldn’t have gifts for the neighbour family, we wouldn’t do our gift giving as it would be very rude to do in front of others, especially kids. We also play games in the afternoon and those can get very competitive but since we all know each other it is a friendly competitive but I wouldn’t be comfortable playing games with a neighbour family present as our banter could make them very uncomfortable and they would be at a disadvantage. Basically all our traditions would need to be put on hold as they are based on a shared foundation and comfort level with each other and having a family present that we don’t know and they don’t know us would mean those traditions would not happen. I also expect my kids to act differently and I supervise them differently when in the company of new people and adults they have never met vs with grandparents and well known family.

OP has a right to do Christmas as she wishes but I can see why MIL is disappointed if she thought she was coming to spend Christmas with family vs with neighbours she has never met.

Yes, everyone has traditions, including, as others have pointed out, welcoming people to share in their celebrations.
A lot of the descriptions of your family traditions seem very kid-focused, and the OP doesn’t have any kids. Are you suggesting that as adults, things like opening gifts, wearing PJs, playing games, and banter are so essential to some celebrations that altering them to welcome guests — including children — would be problematic for you and your husband?

Of course, some might have a Christmas tradition of come one, come all but it doesn't seem like that is the case for OP. I am sure if there was a post on here by someone who went to MILs for Christmas but found neighbours there, there would be tons of responses that MIL can hang out with neighbours any day, rather than needing to spend Christmas Day with them as well when family have driven from out of town to visit.

For me, if I found out that MIL/ FIL who we were travelling to for Christmas wanted it to be a neighbour event, we would probably stay home and do our own thing and visit at a better time when we can spend time with our in law's versus our in-laws neighbours. As I said, I like to be able to be comfortable and relaxed on holidays - not on our best behaviour because there are strangers and new families to meet and get to know and include. I have no issue with dinner parties with new people but they take a lot more energy than hanging out with family, and on major holidays, I prefer to hang out with family and be comfortable and relaxed, rather than having joint celebrations up with other families I have never met.

[Anonymous]

Did you make the mistake of telling your inlaws this man is "not well off" and that you buy him groceries? Because it made it seem like a charity case, not a friendship, and now she has an opening to be rude.

That's the only mistake you made though. I'd also lean towards uninviting them if they can not be friendly. Not just polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Although I am fine with everyone celebrating Christmas however they want, our family has a lot of family traditions that we look forward to every year and I would be disappointed if I found out MIL had invited the neighbour family. Obviously her choice but it would change everything about the day for us and the kids. We hang out in PJs which I would not do with strangers and we have lots of just family chat and jokes that would not be appropriate with strangers at the meal. It is a very different social event when people you have never met are present vs family you are comfortable with. We also open gifts throughout the day and since we wouldn’t have gifts for the neighbour family, we wouldn’t do our gift giving as it would be very rude to do in front of others, especially kids. We also play games in the afternoon and those can get very competitive but since we all know each other it is a friendly competitive but I wouldn’t be comfortable playing games with a neighbour family present as our banter could make them very uncomfortable and they would be at a disadvantage. Basically all our traditions would need to be put on hold as they are based on a shared foundation and comfort level with each other and having a family present that we don’t know and they don’t know us would mean those traditions would not happen. I also expect my kids to act differently and I supervise them differently when in the company of new people and adults they have never met vs with grandparents and well known family.

OP has a right to do Christmas as she wishes but I can see why MIL is disappointed if she thought she was coming to spend Christmas with family vs with neighbours she has never met.

It's dinner. They are coming for the Christmas dinner. They are not going to be opening presents the morning of with the family and the op doesn't have kids. A MIL presumably in her 50s or 60s should be able to adjust to include a family friend of her son and DIL who doesn't have anyone to be with. Come on. I know what you're saying, I like having my immediate family traditions too but this isn't like the neighbors are going to be there all day long and this isn't about kids. In this situation, the in-laws should ABSOLUTELY be inclusive, warm, and welcoming. That is the kind thing to do. Full stop.

X1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you make the mistake of telling your inlaws this man is "not well off" and that you buy him groceries? Because it made it seem like a charity case, not a friendship, and now she has an opening to be rude.

That's the only mistake you made though. I'd also lean towards uninviting them if they can not be friendly. Not just polite.

Thank you. This is exactly what I wanted to say; they only know he is a charity case because you said so first yourself. Please don't make that mistake again, it isn't becoming of your otherwise angelic character at all.