Women expecting other women to be in charge of all holidays/logistics/family dynamics

[Anonymous]

About 12 years ago, I started attending DH’s family reunion as a guest; then we were engaged, then married. I’ve been going to this reunion every non-COVID year. About 8 of them were married years.

The week after we got married, I was added to a women-only email group to discuss The Family Reunion. It involved what rental properties to secure, menus, who would bring what, how payments would be divided, etc. I was confused and sent it to my husband, who wrote back to the group and asked to be included as the point of contact.

Apparently, before I came on the scene/before we were married, he was just told by his mom (*who is also married-in and not a blood relative of this family*) what the dates were, what food he should bring, and how much he would owe. So like, he was never treated as an adult participant even when he was an adult who was paying his way. And then after he was married, somehow *I* was deemed as a full planning participant, because I have a vagina.

He was told flat-out when he requested to be added as our nuclear family representative that it was a women-only group, and that I would be receiving the emails.

I marked the emails as spam and haven’t seen a single message since. His mom tries telling me details and I tell her to contact her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About 12 years ago, I started attending DH’s family reunion as a guest; then we were engaged, then married. I’ve been going to this reunion every non-COVID year. About 8 of them were married years.

The week after we got married, I was added to a women-only email group to discuss The Family Reunion. It involved what rental properties to secure, menus, who would bring what, how payments would be divided, etc. I was confused and sent it to my husband, who wrote back to the group and asked to be included as the point of contact.

Apparently, before I came on the scene/before we were married, he was just told by his mom (*who is also married-in and not a blood relative of this family*) what the dates were, what food he should bring, and how much he would owe. So like, he was never treated as an adult participant even when he was an adult who was paying his way. And then after he was married, somehow *I* was deemed as a full planning participant, because I have a vagina.

He was told flat-out when he requested to be added as our nuclear family representative that it was a women-only group, and that I would be receiving the emails.

I marked the emails as spam and haven’t seen a single message since. His mom tries telling me details and I tell her to contact her son.

OMG

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About 12 years ago, I started attending DH’s family reunion as a guest; then we were engaged, then married. I’ve been going to this reunion every non-COVID year. About 8 of them were married years.

The week after we got married, I was added to a women-only email group to discuss The Family Reunion. It involved what rental properties to secure, menus, who would bring what, how payments would be divided, etc. I was confused and sent it to my husband, who wrote back to the group and asked to be included as the point of contact.

Apparently, before I came on the scene/before we were married, he was just told by his mom (*who is also married-in and not a blood relative of this family*) what the dates were, what food he should bring, and how much he would owe. So like, he was never treated as an adult participant even when he was an adult who was paying his way. And then after he was married, somehow *I* was deemed as a full planning participant, because I have a vagina.

He was told flat-out when he requested to be added as our nuclear family representative that it was a women-only group, and that I would be receiving the emails.

I marked the emails as spam and haven’t seen a single message since. His mom tries telling me details and I tell her to contact her son.

Lol, I find this kind of hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About 12 years ago, I started attending DH’s family reunion as a guest; then we were engaged, then married. I’ve been going to this reunion every non-COVID year. About 8 of them were married years.

The week after we got married, I was added to a women-only email group to discuss The Family Reunion. It involved what rental properties to secure, menus, who would bring what, how payments would be divided, etc. I was confused and sent it to my husband, who wrote back to the group and asked to be included as the point of contact.

Apparently, before I came on the scene/before we were married, he was just told by his mom (*who is also married-in and not a blood relative of this family*) what the dates were, what food he should bring, and how much he would owe. So like, he was never treated as an adult participant even when he was an adult who was paying his way. And then after he was married, somehow *I* was deemed as a full planning participant, because I have a vagina.

He was told flat-out when he requested to be added as our nuclear family representative that it was a women-only group, and that I would be receiving the emails.

I marked the emails as spam and haven’t seen a single message since. His mom tries telling me details and I tell her to contact her son.

OMG! This reminds me of the Ladies of the Knights of Columbus did to me after DH and got married! DH's father was big into the K of C, DH was a member but didn't do anything with them (except get life insurance through them). We lived together for 3 years and I heard nothing from The Ladies. We get married and I then get an in the mail a bunch of raffle tickets to sell and instructions on how to record/turn in the money. I was like, WTF! I had no idea who these Ladies were, had had no interactions with them (that I knew about) and was pissed that they just assumed I was going to go along. Not only did I find it incredibly rude a presumptuous, I had no time for it even if I wanted. I was working full time and going to grad school part time. I had 0 time. Oh, and they didn't even get my name right. They assumed I'd taken DH's last name, omitted my last name and inserted DH's. I mailed everything back with a tersely worded response that I was not interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 12 years ago, I started attending DH’s family reunion as a guest; then we were engaged, then married. I’ve been going to this reunion every non-COVID year. About 8 of them were married years.

The week after we got married, I was added to a women-only email group to discuss The Family Reunion. It involved what rental properties to secure, menus, who would bring what, how payments would be divided, etc. I was confused and sent it to my husband, who wrote back to the group and asked to be included as the point of contact.

Apparently, before I came on the scene/before we were married, he was just told by his mom (*who is also married-in and not a blood relative of this family*) what the dates were, what food he should bring, and how much he would owe. So like, he was never treated as an adult participant even when he was an adult who was paying his way. And then after he was married, somehow *I* was deemed as a full planning participant, because I have a vagina.

He was told flat-out when he requested to be added as our nuclear family representative that it was a women-only group, and that I would be receiving the emails.

I marked the emails as spam and haven’t seen a single message since. His mom tries telling me details and I tell her to contact her son.

OMG! This reminds me of the Ladies of the Knights of Columbus did to me after DH and got married! DH's father was big into the K of C, DH was a member but didn't do anything with them (except get life insurance through them). We lived together for 3 years and I heard nothing from The Ladies. We get married and I then get an in the mail a bunch of raffle tickets to sell and instructions on how to record/turn in the money. I was like, WTF! I had no idea who these Ladies were, had had no interactions with them (that I knew about) and was pissed that they just assumed I was going to go along. Not only did I find it incredibly rude a presumptuous, I had no time for it even if I wanted. I was working full time and going to grad school part time. I had 0 time. Oh, and they didn't even get my name right. They assumed I'd taken DH's last name, omitted my last name and inserted DH's. I mailed everything back with a tersely worded response that I was not interested.

I love it. It would be one thing if one of them reached out to you to say hello, introduce herself/tell you a bit about their organization, and *invite* you to join. But clearly they have no interest in you as an individual, just as a raffle-selling extension of your husband. Wow, that’s beyond.

Same deal with PP: they clearly aren’t interested in her as a person, just as someone who can help plan and execute a reunion for…not her family. LOL nope. Try again, 1950s Ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the people who say that if it wasn't for the women the men would just not do any of this and there would be no Thanksgiving.

My husband is making the turkey and gravy. But also just this morning my 13 year old son was talking about how much he is looking forwad to thanksgiving. This year he is making the pumpkin pie.

I have daughters who have dish assignments too, and I ended up doing all the rest of the sides and most of the table set up. But it is a whole family activity to host a bunch of our extended family.

If it was left up to my husband, we would have just about everything that we have planned except perhaps the brussels sprouts.

You don't understand that in the overwhelming majority of American families, especially GenX and older, holidays are considered women's work? Seriously?

Even scarier: you don't understand that people are different than you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much of this is family dependent and I would not take it upon myself to " correct" others dynamics unless I was specifically asked for advice.


You can do whatever works for you and your family.

I will say that not every instance is negative in some cases this is how the women of the family bond and welcome the married ins and how you learn a lot about your new family.

If someone's idea of "bonding" is sending me a list of chores to do and things to buy, predicated on the fact that I have a vagina, thanks but no thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the people who say that if it wasn't for the women the men would just not do any of this and there would be no Thanksgiving.

My husband is making the turkey and gravy. But also just this morning my 13 year old son was talking about how much he is looking forwad to thanksgiving. This year he is making the pumpkin pie.

I have daughters who have dish assignments too, and I ended up doing all the rest of the sides and most of the table set up. But it is a whole family activity to host a bunch of our extended family.

If it was left up to my husband, we would have just about everything that we have planned except perhaps the brussels sprouts.

You don't understand that in the overwhelming majority of American families, especially GenX and older, holidays are considered women's work? Seriously?

Even scarier: you don't understand that people are different than you?

NP. Can you please site your source for the “overwhelming majority of American families…women’s work” statement? I ask as my husband is literally on the way to the grocery store now to get rutabagas and pie crust ingredients—he makes mashed rutabagas, cranberry orange relish, and a pumpkin pie literally from scratch—as in from a pie pumpkin—every year. He also has a list of Christmas dishes that he will make without fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of this is family dependent and I would not take it upon myself to " correct" others dynamics unless I was specifically asked for advice.


You can do whatever works for you and your family.

I will say that not every instance is negative in some cases this is how the women of the family bond and welcome the married ins and how you learn a lot about your new family.

If someone's idea of "bonding" is sending me a list of chores to do and things to buy, predicated on the fact that I have a vagina, thanks but no thanks!

+100. DH’s family tried to “assimilate” me and literally can’t even remember the names of my siblings or a single detail about me as a person. They tried to make me the point person for their holidays and vacations. Nope! You can talk to DH about all that. I’ll show up and will actively watch my kids, but other than that, I’m relaxing and you can get DH to do the dishes on my behalf even though in your family that is “women’s work.” I take care of logistics, food, clean-up and chores when we’re with my family, he does all that with his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the people who say that if it wasn't for the women the men would just not do any of this and there would be no Thanksgiving.

My husband is making the turkey and gravy. But also just this morning my 13 year old son was talking about how much he is looking forwad to thanksgiving. This year he is making the pumpkin pie.

I have daughters who have dish assignments too, and I ended up doing all the rest of the sides and most of the table set up. But it is a whole family activity to host a bunch of our extended family.

If it was left up to my husband, we would have just about everything that we have planned except perhaps the brussels sprouts.

You don't understand that in the overwhelming majority of American families, especially GenX and older, holidays are considered women's work? Seriously?

Even scarier: you don't understand that people are different than you?

NP. Can you please site your source for the “overwhelming majority of American families…women’s work” statement? I ask as my husband is literally on the way to the grocery store now to get rutabagas and pie crust ingredients—he makes mashed rutabagas, cranberry orange relish, and a pumpkin pie literally from scratch—as in from a pie pumpkin—every year. He also has a list of Christmas dishes that he will make without fail.

Slow clap for you and the PPs on this thread who have better husbands than the rest of us. That's really what your comment is about, isn't it?

Asking for a source that holiday planning and execution typically falls to women in American society is just... I have no words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the people who say that if it wasn't for the women the men would just not do any of this and there would be no Thanksgiving.

My husband is making the turkey and gravy. But also just this morning my 13 year old son was talking about how much he is looking forwad to thanksgiving. This year he is making the pumpkin pie.

I have daughters who have dish assignments too, and I ended up doing all the rest of the sides and most of the table set up. But it is a whole family activity to host a bunch of our extended family.

If it was left up to my husband, we would have just about everything that we have planned except perhaps the brussels sprouts.

You don't understand that in the overwhelming majority of American families, especially GenX and older, holidays are considered women's work? Seriously?

Even scarier: you don't understand that people are different than you?

NP. Can you please site your source for the “overwhelming majority of American families…women’s work” statement? I ask as my husband is literally on the way to the grocery store now to get rutabagas and pie crust ingredients—he makes mashed rutabagas, cranberry orange relish, and a pumpkin pie literally from scratch—as in from a pie pumpkin—every year. He also has a list of Christmas dishes that he will make without fail.

Slow clap for you and the PPs on this thread who have better husbands than the rest of us. That's really what your comment is about, isn't it?

Asking for a source that holiday planning and execution typically falls to women in American society is just... I have no words.

Different PP but I actually enjoy cooking; it’s my favorite house hold chore by far. I’d a million times rather cook something delicious (especially if I pick the recipe) than text back and forth with my ILs on logistics. Not saying this is the case for your house but there is no one thing that proves your division of labor is even or even admirable. Anyway some men really like thanksgiving, some don’t, the point is that the cultural narrative says “oh men only have to do things they like and think are important ( and they are “right” about what’s important so their opinion matters more) , but women have to do the things their husband’s family and their husbands think are important and if there’s time they can also do the things they like and think are important but they are HUGE martyrs making work for themselves my god”

[Anonymous]

My husband's family has a golf tournament on Thanksgiving that only the men are invited to. The women cook and stay home with the kids. The first year I went I was a bit shocked that all the men in the family were gone literally all day - like left first thing in the morning and came back drunk a bit before dinnertime. I've tried bringing up the ridiculous sexist division and overall behavior but I think I'm alone in this.
We are going this year after a many year absence. I put on a cute golf outfit yesterday and told my husband I was going to go golf with the men...it was sort of a joke but I'm tempted to really do it. Someone would have to watch my kids though. And I would be really uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the people who say that if it wasn't for the women the men would just not do any of this and there would be no Thanksgiving.

My husband is making the turkey and gravy. But also just this morning my 13 year old son was talking about how much he is looking forwad to thanksgiving. This year he is making the pumpkin pie.

I have daughters who have dish assignments too, and I ended up doing all the rest of the sides and most of the table set up. But it is a whole family activity to host a bunch of our extended family.

If it was left up to my husband, we would have just about everything that we have planned except perhaps the brussels sprouts.

You don't understand that in the overwhelming majority of American families, especially GenX and older, holidays are considered women's work? Seriously?

Even scarier: you don't understand that people are different than you?

NP. Can you please site your source for the “overwhelming majority of American families…women’s work” statement? I ask as my husband is literally on the way to the grocery store now to get rutabagas and pie crust ingredients—he makes mashed rutabagas, cranberry orange relish, and a pumpkin pie literally from scratch—as in from a pie pumpkin—every year. He also has a list of Christmas dishes that he will make without fail.

Slow clap for you and the PPs on this thread who have better husbands than the rest of us. That's really what your comment is about, isn't it?

Asking for a source that holiday planning and execution typically falls to women in American society is just... I have no words.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the people who say that if it wasn't for the women the men would just not do any of this and there would be no Thanksgiving.

My husband is making the turkey and gravy. But also just this morning my 13 year old son was talking about how much he is looking forwad to thanksgiving. This year he is making the pumpkin pie.

I have daughters who have dish assignments too, and I ended up doing all the rest of the sides and most of the table set up. But it is a whole family activity to host a bunch of our extended family.

If it was left up to my husband, we would have just about everything that we have planned except perhaps the brussels sprouts.

You don't understand that in the overwhelming majority of American families, especially GenX and older, holidays are considered women's work? Seriously?

Even scarier: you don't understand that people are different than you?

NP. Can you please site your source for the “overwhelming majority of American families…women’s work” statement? I ask as my husband is literally on the way to the grocery store now to get rutabagas and pie crust ingredients—he makes mashed rutabagas, cranberry orange relish, and a pumpkin pie literally from scratch—as in from a pie pumpkin—every year. He also has a list of Christmas dishes that he will make without fail.

Slow clap for you and the PPs on this thread who have better husbands than the rest of us. That's really what your comment is about, isn't it?

Asking for a source that holiday planning and execution typically falls to women in American society is just... I have no words.

I mean, you’re speaking for all of “American society,” so you must have some type of source for that statement, which you are making as a given statement of fact.

And yes, it is nice that I have a good husband who treats me as an equal partner, models family dynamics as a shared responsibility for our kids, and does the basics to celebrate birthdays, holidays and vacations with his family. Pretty basic stuff, really.

[Anonymous]

Tired of the posters here pretending to be "confused" about the topic while flexing about their gourmet chef husbands. Everyone knows this is a source of generational conflict. Boomer women have no problem with planning, cooking and cleaning up while the men watch football. Millennial women feel differently. Why?
My theory is because families are smaller and more spread out now. In my mom's generation she had her sister, mother, sister-in-law and so on all in the kitchen together, drinking wine and chatting while they did their thing. Now the burden is often on one or two women so the men need to step up.