Women expecting other women to be in charge of all holidays/logistics/family dynamics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what also pisses me off? When Dh punts it back to me. His parents will ask what the plans are for the holiday and he’ll say “let me see what wife is planning.” Or “can you ask wife?” Or when he doesn’t want to do something he’ll say “sounds good! Let me see if it’s okay with wife” and then he makes it sound like it’s my fault that we aren’t doing the activity. I had a come to Jesus conversation with Dh around this, but he just can’t stop.

Uggghhh, that would enrage me, honestly. I’d have not only a come to Jesus with him, but with them: I’d make it clear once and for all that Jim is your point person, and decisions and logistics will be his call. Ugh, that is beyond.

[Anonymous]

This nonsense occasionally comes up in my family. My mother asked me what gift I was buying for my MIL’s birthday. I said “nothing” and she should ask my DH because she is his mother. My mother knows very well that I work longer hours and a more demanding job than my DH, yet still expects me to handle all the emotional and physical labor for the family. She is still baffled that my DH is an equal partner and at times the primary parent. Agree with PPs, we need to fight back and drop the rope, otherwise nothing will ever change and our daughters will have the same expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did none of these older women have jobs? I was born in 1986 and NONE of the women in my family had jobs but I thought we were an anomaly. How exhausting to be trying to work and also be expected to coordinate a gourmet meal (and there better not be any subpar stuffing.)

My mom and my aunts all worked full-time and also handled 100% of holiday planning/cooking/shopping. In my husband’s family, none of the women worked, and they also handled 100%. Either way, the women are doing all of it.

[Anonymous]

What I can’t stand is the mischaracterization that, if I don’t mail gifts to MIL or call SIL and ask what her kids want for Christmas, that “I don’t consider them to be family.” I do absolutely consider them to be family, but here’s what: DH and I divide up all responsibilities and tasks, and it makes perfect sense to divide up family logistics, planning, gifts, etc., as “you do your family of origin, I take care of my family of origin.” It’s a simple division of labor that a lot of posters have deliberately attacked.

[Anonymous]

Valid point, but most women run the household so they do actually schedule the dinner time and what is served.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I can’t stand is the mischaracterization that, if I don’t mail gifts to MIL or call SIL and ask what her kids want for Christmas, that “I don’t consider them to be family.” I do absolutely consider them to be family, but here’s what: DH and I divide up all responsibilities and tasks, and it makes perfect sense to divide up family logistics, planning, gifts, etc., as “you do your family of origin, I take care of my family of origin.” It’s a simple division of labor that a lot of posters have deliberately attacked.

Yeah, I’ve completely stopped doing any of that on my husband’s behalf. No gift buying, no logistical planning about who’s going to be where for what holiday. I deal with my family, he deals with his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I can’t stand is the mischaracterization that, if I don’t mail gifts to MIL or call SIL and ask what her kids want for Christmas, that “I don’t consider them to be family.” I do absolutely consider them to be family, but here’s what: DH and I divide up all responsibilities and tasks, and it makes perfect sense to divide up family logistics, planning, gifts, etc., as “you do your family of origin, I take care of my family of origin.” It’s a simple division of labor that a lot of posters have deliberately attacked.

Yeah, I’ve completely stopped doing any of that on my husband’s behalf. No gift buying, no logistical planning about who’s going to be where for what holiday. I deal with my family, he deals with his.

Same here. Frankly I don't want to know what he is spending on his family. Too much or too little. Buy what you want! No one would ever expect a husband to remember gifts for his MIL or his wife's sister's kids.

[Anonymous]

Fight back. As one PP said—don’t pass the tests along or add husband to a group text — tell them to text him.

[Anonymous]

I’m in my mid 30s and I do this because I’m just too tired to play dumb. Y’all husbands don’t text back or do their fair share of this stuff. I don’t blame you but I’m not gonna waste my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Valid point, but most women run the household so they do actually schedule the dinner time and what is served.

Even if that’s true, the communication issue doesn’t have to go through the woman. If the woman decides that she is going to cook X, Y and Z and serve at 4 p.m., that’s great. HE can communicate to HIS family that that is the plan. And ask them to bring A or B as his wife thinks best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in my mid 30s and I do this because I’m just too tired to play dumb. Y’all husbands don’t text back or do their fair share of this stuff. I don’t blame you but I’m not gonna waste my time.

So you’re going to try to waste my time? I don’t think so. If your brother can’t be bothered to reply to you, take the hint and don’t expect a close family relationship. I’m not your family’s therapist, personal shopper or cruise director.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL and FIL try to do this, but I keep refusing to be the main point of contact.

MIL will text me and only me to ask for dates of visits, menus, gift ideas for the kids, etc. I always add DH to the text chain and say “Thanks, Ted and I will discuss and he’ll be in touch soon!”

Like, she will actually contact me about logistics and what I’m bringing to THEIR family reunion. I add DH to the text chain and say, “DH usually makes a pie, but he’ll let you know what else he is planning to bring! He’ll let you know what dates we can make it.” This is an annual even that has been going on for decades before we married, why the H would I be the main point of contact for the Smith family reunion?!

My MIL does this same BS and I would also add DH to the text. Now she's started to text both me and DH but specifically addresses it to me by name... so obnoxious. I feel like she is just constantly acting like I'm playing puppermaster when she doesn't like something my DH says or that I'm so controlling my DH couldn’t possibly answer anything without my approval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did none of these older women have jobs? I was born in 1986 and NONE of the women in my family had jobs but I thought we were an anomaly. How exhausting to be trying to work and also be expected to coordinate a gourmet meal (and there better not be any subpar stuffing.)

OP here. I was born in 1979 and plenty of my mom’s peers had jobs, including my mom, but it’s like they still have this ingrained homemaking servitude chip embedded in them. My dad does no holiday prep or planning, no meal prep or planning, doesn’t even buy cards and gifts for his own sister. I can recall holidays where my brother was allowed to stay at the table while my sister and I were expected to clear the table. I don’t get it, I really don’t.

I think because if it was left to the majority of men nothing would happen. Seriously. My husband doesn't care about Thanksgiving or Easter dinners. If it were up to him, he would just find someplace that has takeout. Same with special holiday traditions for the kids. I do care about it though. So there it is.

[Anonymous]

My family just goes directly to my husband when they want to talk logistics. A lot of the time I’m not even copied on the text. I guess my years of “forgetting” to check my phone have paid dividends. He also buys all gifts for his family and mine. Total gender role reversal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did none of these older women have jobs? I was born in 1986 and NONE of the women in my family had jobs but I thought we were an anomaly. How exhausting to be trying to work and also be expected to coordinate a gourmet meal (and there better not be any subpar stuffing.)

OP here. I was born in 1979 and plenty of my mom’s peers had jobs, including my mom, but it’s like they still have this ingrained homemaking servitude chip embedded in them. My dad does no holiday prep or planning, no meal prep or planning, doesn’t even buy cards and gifts for his own sister. I can recall holidays where my brother was allowed to stay at the table while my sister and I were expected to clear the table. I don’t get it, I really don’t.

I think because if it was left to the majority of men nothing would happen. Seriously. My husband doesn't care about Thanksgiving or Easter dinners. If it were up to him, he would just find someplace that has takeout. Same with special holiday traditions for the kids. I do care about it though. So there it is.

It's this. I overheard a dad talking at the end of the season sports game yesterday about the coach gift. Another dad asked something about it, and the first dad said something like "dads never sit around and decide that what the coach really needs is a gift." Probably the dad coach didn't care either. But, one of the moms got a text chain going to solicit funds for the coach gift to all the other moms. Women bring this on themselves. They decide things need to happen and then are left to make them happen. When men often don't even care if they happen at all.