Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….[/quote]

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.  [/quote]

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children.  Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves.  By age 8/9, they know what’s going on.  And teens, forget it.  They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling.  Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else.  However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion.  I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details.  Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.[/quote]

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.[/quote]

+1. Very few actual adults in this thread, but this PP is one of them. And note there is no excusing the cheating spouse or anything like that. The “original” fault is entirely beside the point.

Some of you really need to learn to compartmentalize your emotions.  [/quote]

It’s been my observation that People who cheat and get “caught” are extremely self absorbed and therefore lack the ability to compartmentalize. This is why they got caught.

The same inability to self absorption and inability compartmentalize is what leads to ineffective co-parenting post divorce.

If you divorce when the kids are fairly young there is a whole lot of time for the selfish parent to damage their kids with neglectful parenting. Do you think people with serious character flaws (lying, deception and betrayal) make good parents? Seriously people who hurt other people are capable god forbid of hurting their kids too.

Much better to be honest In age appropriate ways otherwise you are teaching your kids that it’s okay to let others treat you badly. Nope let them learn early and often that behavior has consequences.

Sometimes people do just grow apart if that is what happened be honest, but if dad lost his damn mind, sold the minivan and ran off with Trixie the pole dancer with a heart of gold, then they need to know that too. Better they hear it from you, than from cousin Lou, who heard it from Aunt Sally, who heard it from Dad’s confidant Uncle Joe.

Do you think people with these types of character flaws will suddenly become model parents lost divorce. Uh no they don’t. Sooner or later kids need to know and they should hear it from someone who best knows the unique circumstances that they will have to deal with over the years.  Even worse than having your kids think you did something to cause dads crazy behavior is having them think they did. So repeat the truth as early and as often as you need to.

“Daddy has decided that made he likes ladies who wear latex underwear and dance on poles for money. Mommy has a latex allergy, and a sensitivity to nickel. So Daddy divorcing mommy and he is moving out so that he can live with the pole lady.”

Better to be honest, because they need you to be.

[/quote]

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