If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This struck a nerve. I feel very judged by a former close friend for getting divorced. She hasn’t given details, but did admit to being uncomfortable with what l “chose to do” when l asked her what was going on with her decreased level of communication with me, and said she doesn’t have the bandwidth to think about why she’s uncomfortable.

Which tells me I’m not that important to her. She’s rather not think about it and avoid me. I find it very unkind, as we were very close, but now it’s made me not want to be friends with her either. Who needs friends like that?

I do have friends who’ve been very supportive and I consider myself pretty darn functional.

Not letting yourself think about hard things to support a friend - besides being unkind that also seems dysfunctional to me. Emotionally shut down.

She is protecting herself from pain. It hurts less to lose a friend than it would to be reminded of something traumatic in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.

If you are a people pleaser, you also have dysfunctional and toxic traits. It is very likely that you have been drawn to people like this in the past specifically because of your dysfunction. It's not that your former friend were "bad" and you are "good" -- it's that you were like dysfunctional puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly in a toxic puzzle. You are damaged. You have challenges.

I am a former people pleaser who learned to be that way because my parents, and especially my dad, are narcissists. Dysfunction! And yes, that means that as an adult I have gravitated towards relationships with narcissists, and then I play out this same dynamic from my childhood and get frustrated when I get the same results. More dysfunction. It's true these people were dysfunctional and toxic, but SO WAS I. I wasn't setting boundaries and I was investing myself in these relationships, and performing codependence for people who seek it out, even though they weren't serving me.

The point is, it's not exclusively their fault. They are responsible for their behavior, but I am responsible for mine. I can see now that I played a role in these toxic relationships and likely encouraged some of their worst behavior by enabling it. It's not just about them.

Yeah, no. You are using the term "dysfunctional" to include everything.

My friend's "dysfunction" - abusive behavior
My "dysfunction" - not recognizing abusive behavior and trying to support abusive friend

When you dismiss these as being exactly the same - "no good or bad" - you only highlight why everyone around you wants no part of your hot mess.

I am not claiming to be some paragon of perfection, hardly. But this entire thread is about "why aren't people more understanding of my complicated issues?" with zero comprehension that your toxic issues can damage other people who are trying to give you the compassion and understanding you so desperately crave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This struck a nerve. I feel very judged by a former close friend for getting divorced. She hasn’t given details, but did admit to being uncomfortable with what l “chose to do” when l asked her what was going on with her decreased level of communication with me, and said she doesn’t have the bandwidth to think about why she’s uncomfortable.

Which tells me I’m not that important to her. She’s rather not think about it and avoid me. I find it very unkind, as we were very close, but now it’s made me not want to be friends with her either. Who needs friends like that?

I do have friends who’ve been very supportive and I consider myself pretty darn functional.

Not letting yourself think about hard things to support a friend - besides being unkind that also seems dysfunctional to me. Emotionally shut down.

She is protecting herself from pain. It hurts less to lose a friend than it would to be reminded of something traumatic in her life.

Or she thinks you cheated, or she was very close to your ex and is processing that she has to choose. I can see a couple scenarios that have nothing to do with protecting herself emotionally. Either way, sounds like this isn’t a friendship worth maintaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.

If you are a people pleaser, you also have dysfunctional and toxic traits. It is very likely that you have been drawn to people like this in the past specifically because of your dysfunction. It's not that your former friend were "bad" and you are "good" -- it's that you were like dysfunctional puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly in a toxic puzzle. You are damaged. You have challenges.

I am a former people pleaser who learned to be that way because my parents, and especially my dad, are narcissists. Dysfunction! And yes, that means that as an adult I have gravitated towards relationships with narcissists, and then I play out this same dynamic from my childhood and get frustrated when I get the same results. More dysfunction. It's true these people were dysfunctional and toxic, but SO WAS I. I wasn't setting boundaries and I was investing myself in these relationships, and performing codependence for people who seek it out, even though they weren't serving me.

The point is, it's not exclusively their fault. They are responsible for their behavior, but I am responsible for mine. I can see now that I played a role in these toxic relationships and likely encouraged some of their worst behavior by enabling it. It's not just about them.

Yeah, no. You are using the term "dysfunctional" to include everything.

My friend's "dysfunction" - abusive behavior
My "dysfunction" - not recognizing abusive behavior and trying to support abusive friend

When you dismiss these as being exactly the same - "no good or bad" - you only highlight why everyone around you wants no part of your hot mess.

I am not claiming to be some paragon of perfection, hardly. But this entire thread is about "why aren't people more understanding of my complicated issues?" with zero comprehension that your toxic issues can damage other people who are trying to give you the compassion and understanding you so desperately crave.

People pleasing is a toxic, dysfunctional behavior. People pleasers often ignore their own needs in service of others. They do this out of a fear or anxiety that they will not be liked, or that they will be abandoned, if they don’t cater to others needs. You might characterize it as “trying to support” your friend, but a people pleaser is not solely motivated by generosity. People pleasers do what they do out of fear. It is a common behavior to acquire after being neglected as a child, or if you had parents who took their negative emotions out on you. People pleasing is a MALADAPTIVE behavior developed to keep yourself safe.

But then you fall into this pattern and it can be hard to break as an adult. People pleasers often have poor boundaries but in a deceptive way— they will constantly offer their help and support and never ask for any in return, essentially providing themselves as people without boundaries to be used. This can be very appealing to narcissists or others who crave a lot of attention, validation, and emotional support.

In order to stop this dysfunctional behavior, you have to learn to identify it, recognize your role in the patterns, and make other choices. This is not an insult to you or evidence you are a bad person (I am a reformed people pleaser myself) it’s an acknowledgement that these sorts of dysfunctional relationships do not get forced on you out of nowhere. You have played a role. Understanding this is liberating because it enables you to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.

If you are a people pleaser, you also have dysfunctional and toxic traits. It is very likely that you have been drawn to people like this in the past specifically because of your dysfunction. It's not that your former friend were "bad" and you are "good" -- it's that you were like dysfunctional puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly in a toxic puzzle. You are damaged. You have challenges.

I am a former people pleaser who learned to be that way because my parents, and especially my dad, are narcissists. Dysfunction! And yes, that means that as an adult I have gravitated towards relationships with narcissists, and then I play out this same dynamic from my childhood and get frustrated when I get the same results. More dysfunction. It's true these people were dysfunctional and toxic, but SO WAS I. I wasn't setting boundaries and I was investing myself in these relationships, and performing codependence for people who seek it out, even though they weren't serving me.

The point is, it's not exclusively their fault. They are responsible for their behavior, but I am responsible for mine. I can see now that I played a role in these toxic relationships and likely encouraged some of their worst behavior by enabling it. It's not just about them.

Yeah, no. You are using the term "dysfunctional" to include everything.

My friend's "dysfunction" - abusive behavior
My "dysfunction" - not recognizing abusive behavior and trying to support abusive friend

When you dismiss these as being exactly the same - "no good or bad" - you only highlight why everyone around you wants no part of your hot mess.

I am not claiming to be some paragon of perfection, hardly. But this entire thread is about "why aren't people more understanding of my complicated issues?" with zero comprehension that your toxic issues can damage other people who are trying to give you the compassion and understanding you so desperately crave.

DP, but that's not my understanding of the OP's intent. My sense is that the OP wants to know why supposedly functional people are so hostile of and judgmental towards people they perceive to be dysfunctional. I see that kind of thing expressed as using pejorative language: addict, alcoholic, lunatic, etc. It's 2022, you consider yourself empathic and thoughtful, and you're still so uninformed?

It's not about being someone's on-call personal therapist, it's about not proactively being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This struck a nerve. I feel very judged by a former close friend for getting divorced. She hasn’t given details, but did admit to being uncomfortable with what l “chose to do” when l asked her what was going on with her decreased level of communication with me, and said she doesn’t have the bandwidth to think about why she’s uncomfortable.

Which tells me I’m not that important to her. She’s rather not think about it and avoid me. I find it very unkind, as we were very close, but now it’s made me not want to be friends with her either. Who needs friends like that?

I do have friends who’ve been very supportive and I consider myself pretty darn functional.

Not letting yourself think about hard things to support a friend - besides being unkind that also seems dysfunctional to me. Emotionally shut down.

I think she said what she said to avoid having a conversation with you if you're going to be confrontational. It sounds like she knows why she doesn't support your choice and she is preferring to avoid having to tell you why. So drop it. If that means you drop her as a friend, then so be it. I don't see her choice as dysfunctional, I see it as wanting to avoid having a confrontational conversation with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.

If you are a people pleaser, you also have dysfunctional and toxic traits. It is very likely that you have been drawn to people like this in the past specifically because of your dysfunction. It's not that your former friend were "bad" and you are "good" -- it's that you were like dysfunctional puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly in a toxic puzzle. You are damaged. You have challenges.

I am a former people pleaser who learned to be that way because my parents, and especially my dad, are narcissists. Dysfunction! And yes, that means that as an adult I have gravitated towards relationships with narcissists, and then I play out this same dynamic from my childhood and get frustrated when I get the same results. More dysfunction. It's true these people were dysfunctional and toxic, but SO WAS I. I wasn't setting boundaries and I was investing myself in these relationships, and performing codependence for people who seek it out, even though they weren't serving me.

The point is, it's not exclusively their fault. They are responsible for their behavior, but I am responsible for mine. I can see now that I played a role in these toxic relationships and likely encouraged some of their worst behavior by enabling it. It's not just about them.

Yeah, no. You are using the term "dysfunctional" to include everything.

My friend's "dysfunction" - abusive behavior
My "dysfunction" - not recognizing abusive behavior and trying to support abusive friend

When you dismiss these as being exactly the same - "no good or bad" - you only highlight why everyone around you wants no part of your hot mess.

I am not claiming to be some paragon of perfection, hardly. But this entire thread is about "why aren't people more understanding of my complicated issues?" with zero comprehension that your toxic issues can damage other people who are trying to give you the compassion and understanding you so desperately crave.

People pleasing is a toxic, dysfunctional behavior. People pleasers often ignore their own needs in service of others. They do this out of a fear or anxiety that they will not be liked, or that they will be abandoned, if they don’t cater to others needs. You might characterize it as “trying to support” your friend, but a people pleaser is not solely motivated by generosity. People pleasers do what they do out of fear. It is a common behavior to acquire after being neglected as a child, or if you had parents who took their negative emotions out on you. People pleasing is a MALADAPTIVE behavior developed to keep yourself safe.

But then you fall into this pattern and it can be hard to break as an adult. People pleasers often have poor boundaries but in a deceptive way— they will constantly offer their help and support and never ask for any in return, essentially providing themselves as people without boundaries to be used. This can be very appealing to narcissists or others who crave a lot of attention, validation, and emotional support.

In order to stop this dysfunctional behavior, you have to learn to identify it, recognize your role in the patterns, and make other choices. This is not an insult to you or evidence you are a bad person (I am a reformed people pleaser myself) it’s an acknowledgement that these sorts of dysfunctional relationships do not get forced on you out of nowhere. You have played a role. Understanding this is liberating because it enables you to stop.

Yikes. You've read one too many self-help books and now are projecting. People pleasing can simply be the easy way out from situations or people who are overly aggressive or assertive. It doesn't mean that the person is dysfunctional. It can mean that someone is trying to avoid conflict with an aggressor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.

If you are a people pleaser, you also have dysfunctional and toxic traits. It is very likely that you have been drawn to people like this in the past specifically because of your dysfunction. It's not that your former friend were "bad" and you are "good" -- it's that you were like dysfunctional puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly in a toxic puzzle. You are damaged. You have challenges.

I am a former people pleaser who learned to be that way because my parents, and especially my dad, are narcissists. Dysfunction! And yes, that means that as an adult I have gravitated towards relationships with narcissists, and then I play out this same dynamic from my childhood and get frustrated when I get the same results. More dysfunction. It's true these people were dysfunctional and toxic, but SO WAS I. I wasn't setting boundaries and I was investing myself in these relationships, and performing codependence for people who seek it out, even though they weren't serving me.

The point is, it's not exclusively their fault. They are responsible for their behavior, but I am responsible for mine. I can see now that I played a role in these toxic relationships and likely encouraged some of their worst behavior by enabling it. It's not just about them.

Yeah, no. You are using the term "dysfunctional" to include everything.

My friend's "dysfunction" - abusive behavior
My "dysfunction" - not recognizing abusive behavior and trying to support abusive friend

When you dismiss these as being exactly the same - "no good or bad" - you only highlight why everyone around you wants no part of your hot mess.

I am not claiming to be some paragon of perfection, hardly. But this entire thread is about "why aren't people more understanding of my complicated issues?" with zero comprehension that your toxic issues can damage other people who are trying to give you the compassion and understanding you so desperately crave.

People pleasing is a toxic, dysfunctional behavior. People pleasers often ignore their own needs in service of others. They do this out of a fear or anxiety that they will not be liked, or that they will be abandoned, if they don’t cater to others needs. You might characterize it as “trying to support” your friend, but a people pleaser is not solely motivated by generosity. People pleasers do what they do out of fear. It is a common behavior to acquire after being neglected as a child, or if you had parents who took their negative emotions out on you. People pleasing is a MALADAPTIVE behavior developed to keep yourself safe.

But then you fall into this pattern and it can be hard to break as an adult. People pleasers often have poor boundaries but in a deceptive way— they will constantly offer their help and support and never ask for any in return, essentially providing themselves as people without boundaries to be used. This can be very appealing to narcissists or others who crave a lot of attention, validation, and emotional support.

In order to stop this dysfunctional behavior, you have to learn to identify it, recognize your role in the patterns, and make other choices. This is not an insult to you or evidence you are a bad person (I am a reformed people pleaser myself) it’s an acknowledgement that these sorts of dysfunctional relationships do not get forced on you out of nowhere. You have played a role. Understanding this is liberating because it enables you to stop.

LOL. okay. I’m glad you are reformed. You really seized on the fact that I described myself as a people pleaser and seem to be conveniently ignoring my actual point, which was that OP is angry that some people don’t want to put up with her dysfunction.

FWIW, the term “people pleaser” doesn’t *necessarily* mean someone has some hideously MALADAPTIVE behaviors— I use this term interchangeably with “‘middle child syndrome” which I definitely have. While I am indeed in therapy right now to help me navigate my terminal cancer diagnosis, I think my therapist would be surprised at your suggestion that I was raised by a narcissist! I do think the fact that I had a middle school friend who turned out to be seriously mentally ill definitely corrupted my sense of boundaries at time when, like many middle school girls, I was anxious to be liked and willing to go along with a toxic friendship.

Anyway, my bottom line is that I stay far, far away from needy and maladaptive people like OP (and lots of others in this thread) who are quick to condemn anyone who doesn’t want to deal with their toxic issues, no matter what the circumstances. Fortunately they are usually easy to identify by their constant references to how other people should be doing everything differently.

[Anonymous]

I meant to add, not all friends are capable of supporting you in every single way, and that should be ok. As someone with terminal cancer, I’ve found that not all of my friends are comfortable with talking about my diagnosis and some have been surprisingly distant. And that’s okay with me; I have wonderful supportive friends and family and I don’t need everyone to fulfill every need in my life! It’s ok to not be able/willing to help every friend navigate every crisis in their lives. Lord knows I’m sure I could have been a lot more supportive to others when I was younger and had less life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This struck a nerve. I feel very judged by a former close friend for getting divorced. She hasn’t given details, but did admit to being uncomfortable with what l “chose to do” when l asked her what was going on with her decreased level of communication with me, and said she doesn’t have the bandwidth to think about why she’s uncomfortable.

Which tells me I’m not that important to her. She’s rather not think about it and avoid me. I find it very unkind, as we were very close, but now it’s made me not want to be friends with her either. Who needs friends like that?

I do have friends who’ve been very supportive and I consider myself pretty darn functional.

Not letting yourself think about hard things to support a friend - besides being unkind that also seems dysfunctional to me. Emotionally shut down.

I agree with you, PP. I also think inherent in the human condition is "drama" and that drama, whether divorce, infidelity, loss, death, sickness, unemployment, etc, etc - is where friends are a really important source of support. While I would never share my personal life at work, when it comes to my personal circle of friends, I think part of a being a functional person is being available to support people in times of crisis (and also in times of joy and celebration).

I would never shut down a friend who needed a supportive ear or "gray rock" someone who was opening up to me at a time of need. How cruel! Thankfully, I have dear friends who reciprocate. All of us have weathered some hard times over the years and its because we were there for each other and listened, offered a hand, and stepped up that made a difference. This thread makes me appreciate them even more. So many posters have a very superficial view of what being a "functional" or "dysfunctional" person really means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This struck a nerve. I feel very judged by a former close friend for getting divorced. She hasn’t given details, but did admit to being uncomfortable with what l “chose to do” when l asked her what was going on with her decreased level of communication with me, and said she doesn’t have the bandwidth to think about why she’s uncomfortable.

Which tells me I’m not that important to her. She’s rather not think about it and avoid me. I find it very unkind, as we were very close, but now it’s made me not want to be friends with her either. Who needs friends like that?

I do have friends who’ve been very supportive and I consider myself pretty darn functional.

Not letting yourself think about hard things to support a friend - besides being unkind that also seems dysfunctional to me. Emotionally shut down.

I think she said what she said to avoid having a conversation with you if you're going to be confrontational. It sounds like she knows why she doesn't support your choice and she is preferring to avoid having to tell you why. So drop it. If that means you drop her as a friend, then so be it. I don't see her choice as dysfunctional, I see it as wanting to avoid having a confrontational conversation with you.

I did drop it and l wasn’t confrontational. I asked her once what was going on. Personally the friendship was worth it to me to try to find out what was going on and see if l could do anything to help it. So ya l still feel like she was unkind and didn’t care much about the friendship, and that hurt but I’ve moved on. The crap part now is l still see her at stuff with mutual friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This struck a nerve. I feel very judged by a former close friend for getting divorced. She hasn’t given details, but did admit to being uncomfortable with what l “chose to do” when l asked her what was going on with her decreased level of communication with me, and said she doesn’t have the bandwidth to think about why she’s uncomfortable.

Which tells me I’m not that important to her. She’s rather not think about it and avoid me. I find it very unkind, as we were very close, but now it’s made me not want to be friends with her either. Who needs friends like that?

I do have friends who’ve been very supportive and I consider myself pretty darn functional.

Not letting yourself think about hard things to support a friend - besides being unkind that also seems dysfunctional to me. Emotionally shut down.

I agree with you, PP. I also think inherent in the human condition is "drama" and that drama, whether divorce, infidelity, loss, death, sickness, unemployment, etc, etc - is where friends are a really important source of support. While I would never share my personal life at work, when it comes to my personal circle of friends, I think part of a being a functional person is being available to support people in times of crisis (and also in times of joy and celebration).

I would never shut down a friend who needed a supportive ear or "gray rock" someone who was opening up to me at a time of need. How cruel! Thankfully, I have dear friends who reciprocate. All of us have weathered some hard times over the years and its because we were there for each other and listened, offered a hand, and stepped up that made a difference. This thread makes me appreciate them even more. So many posters have a very superficial view of what being a "functional" or "dysfunctional" person really means.

Thanks. I’m the one who divorced and you’ve articulated this very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.

If you are a people pleaser, you also have dysfunctional and toxic traits. It is very likely that you have been drawn to people like this in the past specifically because of your dysfunction. It's not that your former friend were "bad" and you are "good" -- it's that you were like dysfunctional puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly in a toxic puzzle. You are damaged. You have challenges.

I am a former people pleaser who learned to be that way because my parents, and especially my dad, are narcissists. Dysfunction! And yes, that means that as an adult I have gravitated towards relationships with narcissists, and then I play out this same dynamic from my childhood and get frustrated when I get the same results. More dysfunction. It's true these people were dysfunctional and toxic, but SO WAS I. I wasn't setting boundaries and I was investing myself in these relationships, and performing codependence for people who seek it out, even though they weren't serving me.

The point is, it's not exclusively their fault. They are responsible for their behavior, but I am responsible for mine. I can see now that I played a role in these toxic relationships and likely encouraged some of their worst behavior by enabling it. It's not just about them.

Yeah, no. You are using the term "dysfunctional" to include everything.

My friend's "dysfunction" - abusive behavior
My "dysfunction" - not recognizing abusive behavior and trying to support abusive friend

When you dismiss these as being exactly the same - "no good or bad" - you only highlight why everyone around you wants no part of your hot mess.

I am not claiming to be some paragon of perfection, hardly. But this entire thread is about "why aren't people more understanding of my complicated issues?" with zero comprehension that your toxic issues can damage other people who are trying to give you the compassion and understanding you so desperately crave.

People pleasing is a toxic, dysfunctional behavior. People pleasers often ignore their own needs in service of others. They do this out of a fear or anxiety that they will not be liked, or that they will be abandoned, if they don’t cater to others needs. You might characterize it as “trying to support” your friend, but a people pleaser is not solely motivated by generosity. People pleasers do what they do out of fear. It is a common behavior to acquire after being neglected as a child, or if you had parents who took their negative emotions out on you. People pleasing is a MALADAPTIVE behavior developed to keep yourself safe.

But then you fall into this pattern and it can be hard to break as an adult. People pleasers often have poor boundaries but in a deceptive way— they will constantly offer their help and support and never ask for any in return, essentially providing themselves as people without boundaries to be used. This can be very appealing to narcissists or others who crave a lot of attention, validation, and emotional support.

In order to stop this dysfunctional behavior, you have to learn to identify it, recognize your role in the patterns, and make other choices. This is not an insult to you or evidence you are a bad person (I am a reformed people pleaser myself) it’s an acknowledgement that these sorts of dysfunctional relationships do not get forced on you out of nowhere. You have played a role. Understanding this is liberating because it enables you to stop.

Yikes. You've read one too many self-help books and now are projecting. People pleasing can simply be the easy way out from situations or people who are overly aggressive or assertive. It doesn't mean that the person is dysfunctional. It can mean that someone is trying to avoid conflict with an aggressor.

People pleasing is a form of manipulation. It’s not an healthy behavior for you or the person you’re “pleasing”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.

If you are a people pleaser, you also have dysfunctional and toxic traits. It is very likely that you have been drawn to people like this in the past specifically because of your dysfunction. It's not that your former friend were "bad" and you are "good" -- it's that you were like dysfunctional puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly in a toxic puzzle. You are damaged. You have challenges.

I am a former people pleaser who learned to be that way because my parents, and especially my dad, are narcissists. Dysfunction! And yes, that means that as an adult I have gravitated towards relationships with narcissists, and then I play out this same dynamic from my childhood and get frustrated when I get the same results. More dysfunction. It's true these people were dysfunctional and toxic, but SO WAS I. I wasn't setting boundaries and I was investing myself in these relationships, and performing codependence for people who seek it out, even though they weren't serving me.

The point is, it's not exclusively their fault. They are responsible for their behavior, but I am responsible for mine. I can see now that I played a role in these toxic relationships and likely encouraged some of their worst behavior by enabling it. It's not just about them.

Yeah, no. You are using the term "dysfunctional" to include everything.

My friend's "dysfunction" - abusive behavior
My "dysfunction" - not recognizing abusive behavior and trying to support abusive friend

When you dismiss these as being exactly the same - "no good or bad" - you only highlight why everyone around you wants no part of your hot mess.

I am not claiming to be some paragon of perfection, hardly. But this entire thread is about "why aren't people more understanding of my complicated issues?" with zero comprehension that your toxic issues can damage other people who are trying to give you the compassion and understanding you so desperately crave.

People pleasing is a toxic, dysfunctional behavior. People pleasers often ignore their own needs in service of others. They do this out of a fear or anxiety that they will not be liked, or that they will be abandoned, if they don’t cater to others needs. You might characterize it as “trying to support” your friend, but a people pleaser is not solely motivated by generosity. People pleasers do what they do out of fear. It is a common behavior to acquire after being neglected as a child, or if you had parents who took their negative emotions out on you. People pleasing is a MALADAPTIVE behavior developed to keep yourself safe.

But then you fall into this pattern and it can be hard to break as an adult. People pleasers often have poor boundaries but in a deceptive way— they will constantly offer their help and support and never ask for any in return, essentially providing themselves as people without boundaries to be used. This can be very appealing to narcissists or others who crave a lot of attention, validation, and emotional support.

In order to stop this dysfunctional behavior, you have to learn to identify it, recognize your role in the patterns, and make other choices. This is not an insult to you or evidence you are a bad person (I am a reformed people pleaser myself) it’s an acknowledgement that these sorts of dysfunctional relationships do not get forced on you out of nowhere. You have played a role. Understanding this is liberating because it enables you to stop.

Yikes. You've read one too many self-help books and now are projecting. People pleasing can simply be the easy way out from situations or people who are overly aggressive or assertive. It doesn't mean that the person is dysfunctional. It can mean that someone is trying to avoid conflict with an aggressor.

People pleasing is a form of manipulation. It’s not an healthy behavior for you or the person you’re “pleasing”.

Is “people pleasing” in the DSM? Your eagerness to pathologize everyone else’s behavior is telling. This is exactly why people are less than empathetic with those of you who insist on treating your friends and colleagues like your therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.

If you are a people pleaser, you also have dysfunctional and toxic traits. It is very likely that you have been drawn to people like this in the past specifically because of your dysfunction. It's not that your former friend were "bad" and you are "good" -- it's that you were like dysfunctional puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly in a toxic puzzle. You are damaged. You have challenges.

I am a former people pleaser who learned to be that way because my parents, and especially my dad, are narcissists. Dysfunction! And yes, that means that as an adult I have gravitated towards relationships with narcissists, and then I play out this same dynamic from my childhood and get frustrated when I get the same results. More dysfunction. It's true these people were dysfunctional and toxic, but SO WAS I. I wasn't setting boundaries and I was investing myself in these relationships, and performing codependence for people who seek it out, even though they weren't serving me.

The point is, it's not exclusively their fault. They are responsible for their behavior, but I am responsible for mine. I can see now that I played a role in these toxic relationships and likely encouraged some of their worst behavior by enabling it. It's not just about them.

Yeah, no. You are using the term "dysfunctional" to include everything.

My friend's "dysfunction" - abusive behavior
My "dysfunction" - not recognizing abusive behavior and trying to support abusive friend

When you dismiss these as being exactly the same - "no good or bad" - you only highlight why everyone around you wants no part of your hot mess.

I am not claiming to be some paragon of perfection, hardly. But this entire thread is about "why aren't people more understanding of my complicated issues?" with zero comprehension that your toxic issues can damage other people who are trying to give you the compassion and understanding you so desperately crave.

People pleasing is a toxic, dysfunctional behavior. People pleasers often ignore their own needs in service of others. They do this out of a fear or anxiety that they will not be liked, or that they will be abandoned, if they don’t cater to others needs. You might characterize it as “trying to support” your friend, but a people pleaser is not solely motivated by generosity. People pleasers do what they do out of fear. It is a common behavior to acquire after being neglected as a child, or if you had parents who took their negative emotions out on you. People pleasing is a MALADAPTIVE behavior developed to keep yourself safe.

But then you fall into this pattern and it can be hard to break as an adult. People pleasers often have poor boundaries but in a deceptive way— they will constantly offer their help and support and never ask for any in return, essentially providing themselves as people without boundaries to be used. This can be very appealing to narcissists or others who crave a lot of attention, validation, and emotional support.

In order to stop this dysfunctional behavior, you have to learn to identify it, recognize your role in the patterns, and make other choices. This is not an insult to you or evidence you are a bad person (I am a reformed people pleaser myself) it’s an acknowledgement that these sorts of dysfunctional relationships do not get forced on you out of nowhere. You have played a role. Understanding this is liberating because it enables you to stop.

Yikes. You've read one too many self-help books and now are projecting. People pleasing can simply be the easy way out from situations or people who are overly aggressive or assertive. It doesn't mean that the person is dysfunctional. It can mean that someone is trying to avoid conflict with an aggressor.

This is the standard definition and understanding of people pleasers, and it definitely applies if someone describes themself that way while also complaining about a toxic relationship where the other person took and took and never gave back. This is a classic people pleaser dynamic. One of the major I dictators that your people pleasing is a problem is if you find yourself resenting your relationships. It’s an indication that you are bad at setting boundaries and make yourself a doormat, then get mad when people walk all over you.

This stuff is readily available with a quick Google. There are few people who would use “people pleaser” as a compliment anymore.