Reply to If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

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Reply to "If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.[/quote]

If you are a people pleaser, you also have dysfunctional and toxic traits. It is very likely that you have been drawn to people like this in the past specifically because of your dysfunction. It's not that your former friend were "bad" and you are "good" -- it's that you were like dysfunctional puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly in a toxic puzzle. You are damaged. You have challenges.

I am a former people pleaser who learned to be that way because my parents, and especially my dad, are narcissists. Dysfunction! And yes, that means that as an adult I have gravitated towards relationships with narcissists, and then I play out this same dynamic from my childhood and get frustrated when I get the same results. More dysfunction. It's true these people were dysfunctional and toxic, but SO WAS I. I wasn't setting boundaries and I was investing myself in these relationships, and performing codependence for people who seek it out, even though they weren't serving me.

The point is, it's not exclusively their fault. They are responsible for their behavior, but I am responsible for mine. I can see now that I played a role in these toxic relationships and likely encouraged some of their worst behavior by enabling it. It's not just about them.[/quote]

Yeah, no. You are using the term "dysfunctional" to include everything.

My friend's "dysfunction" - abusive behavior
My "dysfunction" - not recognizing abusive behavior and trying to support abusive friend

When you dismiss these as being exactly the same - "no good or bad" - you only highlight why everyone around you wants no part of your hot mess.

I am not claiming to be some paragon of perfection, hardly. But this entire thread is about "why aren't people more understanding of my complicated issues?" with zero comprehension that your toxic issues can damage other people who are trying to give you the compassion and understanding you so desperately crave.[/quote]

People pleasing is a toxic, dysfunctional behavior. People pleasers often ignore their own needs in service of others. They do this out of a fear or anxiety that they will not be liked, or that they will be abandoned, if they don’t cater to others needs. You might characterize it as “trying to support” your friend, but a people pleaser is not solely motivated by generosity. People pleasers do what they do out of fear. It is a common behavior to acquire after being neglected as a child, or if you had parents who took their negative emotions out on you. People pleasing is a MALADAPTIVE behavior developed to keep yourself safe.

But then you fall into this pattern and it can be hard to break as an adult. People pleasers often have poor boundaries but in a deceptive way— they will constantly offer their help and support and never ask for any in return, essentially providing themselves as people without boundaries to be used. This can be very appealing to narcissists or others who crave a lot of attention, validation, and emotional support.

In order to stop this dysfunctional behavior, you have to learn to identify it, recognize your role in the patterns, and make other choices. This is not an insult to you or evidence you are a bad person (I am a reformed people pleaser myself) it’s an acknowledgement that these sorts of dysfunctional relationships do not get forced on you out of nowhere. You have played a role. Understanding this is liberating because it enables you to stop.[/quote]

LOL. okay. I’m glad you are reformed. You really seized on the fact that I described myself as a people pleaser and seem to be conveniently ignoring my actual point, which was that OP is angry that some people don’t want to put up with her dysfunction.

FWIW, the term “people pleaser” doesn’t *necessarily* mean someone has some hideously MALADAPTIVE behaviors— I use this term interchangeably with “‘middle child syndrome” which I definitely have. While I am indeed in therapy right now to help me navigate my terminal cancer diagnosis, I think my therapist would be surprised at your suggestion that I was raised by a narcissist! I do think the fact that I had a middle school friend who turned out to be seriously mentally ill definitely corrupted my sense of boundaries at time when, like many middle school girls, I was anxious to be liked and willing to go along with a toxic friendship.

Anyway, my bottom line is that I stay far, far away from needy and maladaptive people like OP (and lots of others in this thread) who are quick to condemn anyone who doesn’t want to deal with their toxic issues, no matter what the circumstances. Fortunately they are usually easy to identify by their constant references to how other people should be doing everything differently.

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