Grandparent bypassed parent to make plans directly with young child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

I'm going to say this gently and I hope you take it the right way, but your dad doesn't sound like the one who needs a diagnosis and help. Your original OP and your responses here give a strong indication that you need to work on your flexibility and ability to be spontaneous. From what you've already posted you don't have other plans, so what is the big deal here? Just that your dad didn't consult you? The activity is clearly engaging and exciting to your child, you haven't raised any safety concerns for your child or your dad, the activity doesn't interfere with any of your own plans, it is hard to see the downside. Except, oh yeah, the downside is that your feathers are ruffled so now your ruffling everyone else's. You should do some work on your rigidity. Your child is modeling himself after you. Wouldn't it be nice if he were able to be flexible and spontaneous instead of inflexible and rigid?

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

You can LET IT GO. Don't let it bother you.

Or you can become estranged from your loving, if annoying, father, and your child will be kept away from his loving grandfather. that sounds better, right?

You are impressively wrong.

Sure, OP.

[Anonymous]

There‘s middle ground between going along with whatever your dad says all the time, and never speaking to him again and cutting off contact!

How about you explain to your kids that mommy and daddy have the final say about plans/meals etc and sometimes we have to say no even when grandparents said yes? Obviously a 2 year old will not understand this, but a 5 year old will. We have had to tell our kids this before ILs visit because sometimes they will do the same thing or something similar. Like telling the kids we will all go to a baseball game without checking if the team is even in town, or promising we can go to a favorite restaurant that is closed - they get the kids all amped up for something that is impossible and then we have disappointed kids on our hands, which could have been avoided if the grandparents had just run the idea by us first!

[Anonymous]

You were right to be annoyed. It’s likely he will not change but as they get older, the kids will be more understanding.

Mine are young tweens and teens now. The last visit, my mom got them all hyped up with a thrill day long activity. It wasn’t practical at all. Think of day long zip lining where they needed an adult type of active. She wasn’t in physical condition to do it, I had a broken arm, my father was recovering from covid and probably couldn’t anyway at his age. The kids needed an adult to participate. Her solution - no problem- my father or I would be fine to take them. I had to pull the kids aside and explain how none of us were physically able at the moment and please tell their grandma they didn’t want to go to stop the arguing. They totally understand that.

[Anonymous]

it wasn’t actually zip lining. It was something I could not do with a broken arm.

[Anonymous]

You sound worse than your father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it wasn’t actually zip lining. It was something I could not do with a broken arm.

So it wasn't a transportation issue at all? This was you feeling left out of a grandfather/granddaughter activity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it wasn’t actually zip lining. It was something I could not do with a broken arm.

So it wasn't a transportation issue at all? This was you feeling left out of a grandfather/granddaughter activity?

That was not the OP. that was another poster explaining a situation that was similar to OP's and how she handled it.

See, OP, this is why you shouldn't listen to people on this thread who have no clue what it's like to be in a family dynamic like yours, or anything else for that matter. They just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it wasn’t actually zip lining. It was something I could not do with a broken arm.

So it wasn't a transportation issue at all? This was you feeling left out of a grandfather/granddaughter activity?

That was not the OP. that was another poster explaining a situation that was similar to OP's and how she handled it.

See, OP, this is why you shouldn't listen to people on this thread who have no clue what it's like to be in a family dynamic like yours, or anything else for that matter. They just don't get it.

So PP asks a question and you say hey op don't listen to anyone.

You're so logical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

My excuse is that it isn’t necessary. My kids are flexible and can fo with the flow. I’m not an insecure uptight mom who can’t deal with out a strict schedule. Sorry parenting is so hard for you. For at least preschool aged kids which barely describes one of your kids inexperienced mom. You have so much to learn.

Schedules aren't for the parents, duh. Kids need schedules.

I always find these parents who think they're cool for ignoring their children's sleep needs hilarious. yeah - go you for having your kid chronically over tired which is one of the most important things for healthy growth so you can drag them around being a "cool" parent. instead of just prioritizing their needs for 5 years or so out of the 85 other years you can not worry about a 3 year olds sleep needs

Not all kids nap and especially not all preschoolers. And if they are driving somewhere sometime the good old car nap is good enough. There are no infants in this situation. Someday you'll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

OP, feeling better now that you've disappointed your child and your father all at the same time?

You're in charge, ma'am, yes you are. No one's going to push YOU around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, feeling better now that you've disappointed your child and your father all at the same time?

You're in charge, ma'am, yes you are. No one's going to push YOU around.

Too bad OP had to spell it out. Her father sounds like a total jerk, not to mention an immature tool, stomping off when he doesn't get his way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

You can LET IT GO. Don't let it bother you.

Or you can become estranged from your loving, if annoying, father, and your child will be kept away from his loving grandfather. that sounds better, right?

You are impressively wrong.

Sure, OP.

I wrote that. I’m not OP. Feel free to ask Jeff. :roll:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it wasn’t actually zip lining. It was something I could not do with a broken arm.

So it wasn't a transportation issue at all? This was you feeling left out of a grandfather/granddaughter activity?

Oh, my actual Lord. That wasn’t OP. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, feeling better now that you've disappointed your child and your father all at the same time?

You're in charge, ma'am, yes you are. No one's going to push YOU around.

Glad you finally understand. Good for you.