Grandparent bypassed parent to make plans directly with young child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

You are visiting HIM. It’s normal for the host to plan activities for their guests, show them around town and hit the local kid friendly hot spots. You need to let yourself fall into the role of guest when you are in his home.

Nope! Good hosts recognize the needs of their guests, especially small children. If I planned late-night loud parties while my elderly uncle who is ill and needs lots of rest is visiting, am I a good host? Would he be a “bad guest” not to join in carousing at the risk of his health and peace of mind?

Small children do not care that they are “guests,” they still have basic biological needs, and if the hosts cannot be reasonably flexible and cognizant of those needs, they have no business hosting small children and parents of small children. Hotel.

And by the way, even when only hosting adults, good hosts *communicate ideas* for activities to their guests, they do not drag them around on a forced march of what they want to do without taking their guests’ needs and preferences into consideration.

And yet in this case, the child was very excited by grandpa’s plan so obviously he took the child’s interests in mind when he offered it. That’s what good hosts do - think about the options in the area and propose them with the person’s interests in mind. There wasn’t a “need” here that the child wasn’t having met, OP was just worked up about transportation logistics that she wasn’t even willing to address with her dad in a mature, lets-work-this-out mindset. She just shot him looks.

She did t say “interests.” She said “needs.” Reading comprehension much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, feeling better now that you've disappointed your child and your father all at the same time?

You're in charge, ma'am, yes you are. No one's going to push YOU around.

Too bad OP had to spell it out. Her father sounds like a total jerk, not to mention an immature tool, stomping off when he doesn't get his way.

So does his daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

My excuse is that it isn’t necessary. My kids are flexible and can fo with the flow. I’m not an insecure uptight mom who can’t deal with out a strict schedule. Sorry parenting is so hard for you. For at least preschool aged kids which barely describes one of your kids inexperienced mom. You have so much to learn.

Oh, we know. You’re not like The Other Moms. You’re a Cool Mom.

Don’t worry. We all saw Mean Girls too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

Tell them that the ball is in their court: Either they can agree to run ideas or plans by you first, or you won’t be able to visit. It is then THEIR choice whether they see you or communicate with you or not. “Let me know when we’re on the same page about this, and then we can plan our next visit.” If he springs something on you, “Unfortunately, we’re still on the same page, so I need to go. Let me know when we’re on the same page.”

Visits are a bigger investment than that. It’s a plane-ride away, so I can’t just pick up and leave. I feel like my only option is not to have a relationship. My sister also thinks my dad is crazy, so I’m not the only one.

So you flew to see your father and got mad and pouted when he wanted to spend time with his granddaughter so therefore you'll just cut all ties because it's easier than arranging transportation to wherever your dad and kids want to go? That makes total sense, no really, you don't sound unhinged at all.

No, that’s not what happened at all. Read it again, slower, for comprehension this time.

[Anonymous]

As an immigrant child who never had any extended family around and who wished I could have spent time with my grandparents when I was growing up, OP, you sound really petty. If your dad bypassing you to make a plan with his grandchild is something so upsetting to you that you need to flag it as a problem, then I envy your life because it’s a really minor issue that you see as a big problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

My excuse is that it isn’t necessary. My kids are flexible and can fo with the flow. I’m not an insecure uptight mom who can’t deal with out a strict schedule. Sorry parenting is so hard for you. For at least preschool aged kids which barely describes one of your kids inexperienced mom. You have so much to learn.

Oh, we know. You’re not like The Other Moms. You’re a Cool Mom.

Don’t worry. We all saw Mean Girls too.

Lol you’re just a head case not a cool or normal mom. Do you even have kids or do you just troll here giving out ridiculous advice? Because you sound like a complete idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an immigrant child who never had any extended family around and who wished I could have spent time with my grandparents when I was growing up, OP, you sound really petty. If your dad bypassing you to make a plan with his grandchild is something so upsetting to you that you need to flag it as a problem, then I envy your life because it’s a really minor issue that you see as a big problem.

How would you know? You said you have ZERO experience with this -- only some daydream about how great it would be. Your advice is useless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming from someone who had no living grandparents when my kids were growing up, try to appreciate the effort on his part, his enthusiasm for your child and let the little stuff roll off your back.

Oh here we go, “you should be appreciative of your dad even though he constantly undermines you”

OP you are NTA, your dad is an ass. I love my parents and they are enthusiastic doting grandparents but they dont get to make plans with the kids without checking with me first. WTF?! It’s a simple request and for your dad to balk at such a simple request shows he is wants to undermine your authority as a parent. I’m sure he is one of those “I wear the pants” person and no one can disagree with him.

[Anonymous]

You and your dad sound like two sides of the same coin...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

My excuse is that it isn’t necessary. My kids are flexible and can fo with the flow. I’m not an insecure uptight mom who can’t deal with out a strict schedule. Sorry parenting is so hard for you. For at least preschool aged kids which barely describes one of your kids inexperienced mom. You have so much to learn.

Schedules aren't for the parents, duh. Kids need schedules.

I always find these parents who think they're cool for ignoring their children's sleep needs hilarious. yeah - go you for having your kid chronically over tired which is one of the most important things for healthy growth so you can drag them around being a "cool" parent. instead of just prioritizing their needs for 5 years or so out of the 85 other years you can not worry about a 3 year olds sleep needs

Not all kids nap and especially not all preschoolers. And if they are driving somewhere sometime the good old car nap is good enough. There are no infants in this situation. Someday you'll figure it out.

NP. You’ve clearly never read a baby sleep book, or any parenting book. Research has shown again and again the ties between brain development and sleep needs. Just because your child isn’t being given reasonable opportunities to nap and reasonable conditions in which to nap doesn’t mean they “don’t nap,” it means they are unable to nap because you are dragging them around. Sadly, you won’t “someday figure it out,” and your children have already suffered because of it.

[Anonymous]

He is using your child to undermine you, which undermines your relationship with your child. Don't let him do it. Tell you kid now, and keep telling them again and again and again for years, that they have to run things by you first. This is a no-brainer parenting rule anyway. If they want to get in the car with someone else's mom at pickup -- no, they have to run that by their mom first. They want to walk to the corner store with their 7 year old friend -- no, they have to run that by you first. At friend A's house and decides to go to friend B's house for a while -- they have to run that by your first. ETC. Keep reenforcing that because that is parenting 101. When grandpa says they're going to do X, Y or Z -- DC should say, YAY!! Let me ask my mom if that's okay.

Grandfather is a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

You are visiting HIM. It’s normal for the host to plan activities for their guests, show them around town and hit the local kid friendly hot spots. You need to let yourself fall into the role of guest when you are in his home.

Nope! Good hosts recognize the needs of their guests, especially small children. If I planned late-night loud parties while my elderly uncle who is ill and needs lots of rest is visiting, am I a good host? Would he be a “bad guest” not to join in carousing at the risk of his health and peace of mind?

Small children do not care that they are “guests,” they still have basic biological needs, and if the hosts cannot be reasonably flexible and cognizant of those needs, they have no business hosting small children and parents of small children. Hotel.

And by the way, even when only hosting adults, good hosts *communicate ideas* for activities to their guests, they do not drag them around on a forced march of what they want to do without taking their guests’ needs and preferences into consideration.

And yet in this case, the child was very excited by grandpa’s plan so obviously he took the child’s interests in mind when he offered it. That’s what good hosts do - think about the options in the area and propose them with the person’s interests in mind. There wasn’t a “need” here that the child wasn’t having met, OP was just worked up about transportation logistics that she wasn’t even willing to address with her dad in a mature, lets-work-this-out mindset. She just shot him looks.

She did t say “interests.” She said “needs.” Reading comprehension much?

Read my post again. “There wasn’t a need here that the child wasn’t having met.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is using your child to undermine you, which undermines your relationship with your child. Don't let him do it. Tell you kid now, and keep telling them again and again and again for years, that they have to run things by you first. This is a no-brainer parenting rule anyway. If they want to get in the car with someone else's mom at pickup -- no, they have to run that by their mom first. They want to walk to the corner store with their 7 year old friend -- no, they have to run that by you first. At friend A's house and decides to go to friend B's house for a while -- they have to run that by your first. ETC. Keep reenforcing that because that is parenting 101. When grandpa says they're going to do X, Y or Z -- DC should say, YAY!! Let me ask my mom if that's okay.

Grandfather is a jerk.

Grandfather has been called everything from a jerk to an ass on this thread - such an overreaction to a minor instance that can be resolved with some cooperation and conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

My excuse is that it isn’t necessary. My kids are flexible and can fo with the flow. I’m not an insecure uptight mom who can’t deal with out a strict schedule. Sorry parenting is so hard for you. For at least preschool aged kids which barely describes one of your kids inexperienced mom. You have so much to learn.

Schedules aren't for the parents, duh. Kids need schedules.

I always find these parents who think they're cool for ignoring their children's sleep needs hilarious. yeah - go you for having your kid chronically over tired which is one of the most important things for healthy growth so you can drag them around being a "cool" parent. instead of just prioritizing their needs for 5 years or so out of the 85 other years you can not worry about a 3 year olds sleep needs

Not all kids nap and especially not all preschoolers. And if they are driving somewhere sometime the good old car nap is good enough. There are no infants in this situation. Someday you'll figure it out.

NP. You’ve clearly never read a baby sleep book, or any parenting book. Research has shown again and again the ties between brain development and sleep needs. Just because your child isn’t being given reasonable opportunities to nap and reasonable conditions in which to nap doesn’t mean they “don’t nap,” it means they are unable to nap because you are dragging them around. Sadly, you won’t “someday figure it out,” and your children have already suffered because of it.

DP. My cousin never napped once he was over one year old. Never. And his parents tried everything under the sun - he was an only child who wasn’t “dragged around” at all. Most children nap but it’s not the case that every single one does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't conflict with another previously scheduled thing, why don't you just let them go enjoy their time together? You got your point across, right? I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, but not a reason to interfere with them having one.

This, unless he proposed hookers and blow, what’s the big deal? I think it’s nice he’s proactively planning one on one time with his grandkid.

Um, because he’s probably not factoring in things like nap time, eating meals on a semi-schedule, sunscreen, etc. Grandparents can forget that taking care of kids entails more than an idea and the wish for everyone to fall in and behave under any circumstance.

When you're on a vacation or visiting people, the schedule goes out the window.

No, it doesn’t.

For a preschooler? Sure, whatever you say.

NP. DH and I maintained a schedule that allowed normal feeding times and nap schedules for an 8-month-old and a 3.5yo at Yellowstone in August. With around those same ages, we also traveled to the beach, to South Dakota, to a lake cottage in Indiana, and to a family wedding in Detroit. What’s your excuse?

My excuse is that it isn’t necessary. My kids are flexible and can fo with the flow. I’m not an insecure uptight mom who can’t deal with out a strict schedule. Sorry parenting is so hard for you. For at least preschool aged kids which barely describes one of your kids inexperienced mom. You have so much to learn.

Schedules aren't for the parents, duh. Kids need schedules.

I always find these parents who think they're cool for ignoring their children's sleep needs hilarious. yeah - go you for having your kid chronically over tired which is one of the most important things for healthy growth so you can drag them around being a "cool" parent. instead of just prioritizing their needs for 5 years or so out of the 85 other years you can not worry about a 3 year olds sleep needs

Not all kids nap and especially not all preschoolers. And if they are driving somewhere sometime the good old car nap is good enough. There are no infants in this situation. Someday you'll figure it out.

NP. You’ve clearly never read a baby sleep book, or any parenting book. Research has shown again and again the ties between brain development and sleep needs. Just because your child isn’t being given reasonable opportunities to nap and reasonable conditions in which to nap doesn’t mean they “don’t nap,” it means they are unable to nap because you are dragging them around. Sadly, you won’t “someday figure it out,” and your children have already suffered because of it.

Jesus, idiot, we're not talking about babies. Why don't you waddle back to the baby forum to talk about sleep schedules.